Resources for raising feminist children
An incomplete guide to parenting for anti-racism, feminism, anti-ableism, and beyond
Overwhelmingly, the most common question I get from readers is about how we raise the next generation to avoid the oppressive norms their parents and ancestors both faced and created.
Oppressive norms are social constructs. Society created them and society can dismantle them. That starts with raising the next generation free of the garbage their parents were indoctrinated into from birth.
Raising your child, especially your daughter, as a feminist is one of the very best gifts you can give. It sets your child up for success, for kindness, for better relationships. It gives them more time to enjoy their lives, because they don’t have to devote so much energy to deconstructing bullshit. It makes them less vulnerable to bullshit ranging from gendered marketing to the superficial charm of abusers.
It also requires immense courage, because you’ll be continuously pushing back on a culture that wants to indoctrinate your child into the horror.
This is not a complete guide. I welcome feedback and additional resources, and will continue to update this post as readers chime in. So please add your own resources in the comments!
My own tips for feminist parenting
There are loads of great guides for feminist parenting out there. So I’m not going to write an exhaustive one (right now). I do, however, find that I disagree with some mainstream feminist parenting advice, and that I see some recurrent themes pop up among the feminist parents I know. So here are a few of my own unique tips that might be a bit different from what you hear elsewhere:
Avoid literature and other materials that have “girls/boys can do that, too!” messages. The subtle implication of these works is that it is noteworthy and surprising that girls and boys can do the same things. So for very young children, this material actually introduces sexism rather than combating it. Instead, focus on diverse material: books that show boys being nurturing and loving (without commenting that doing so is somehow noteworthy), shows that depict girls as adventurous and strong (without adding “even though they’re girls!” or “girls can do it too!”).
Don’t make gender an important part of daily life. Especially in early childhood, kids constantly look for binaries. Introducing one gives children a reason to notice and seek difference, and may inadvertently support sexism. Begin talking about gender once children do, and even then, keep gender political rather than practical.
Avoid literature that tries to reclaim problematic bullshit. For example, introducing an adventurous princess is still introducing the concept of princesses, and usually also involves introducing the problematic notions associated with princesses as a contrast to the newer, reclaimed version. So here again, you’re just introducing your kid to sexist concepts you could have completely avoided.
Don’t romanticize heterosexual marriage, and don’t unnecessarily introduce the concept. Get real about it. Explain that it is a risky venture that ends in pain for most people who participate. Be the parent who counters the socialization girls get to accept marriage and princess culture.
Don’t draw attention to gender differences, whether they’re gender conforming or not. For example, if your daughter is into cars, don’t talk about how special it is that she’s a girl who likes cars. If she’s into dresses, don’t call her a girly girl. All this does is reinforce gender differences, encourage conformity, and ultimately, encourage women’s subordination.
Don’t treat your son like a potential predator. Feminism means raising girls and boys in the same way. So while your son absolutely needs to learn about male privilege, and his moral obligation to push back against abuse, he does not need to be punished harshly for every error. Viewing him through the lens of misogyny projects misogyny onto him, and can actually make him more sexist as a way of rebelling against you. Kids act like assholes sometimes; when they’re little, they’re acting like assholes because that’s what kids do, not because he’s a future rapist.
Talk to your kids about what healthy relationships look like, and do your best to model those relationships—especially in your relationships with your kids.
Please accept your child’s gender, whatever they say it is, every day, even if it changes from day to day. And in a similar vein, please don’t decide your child is trans (or a “tomboy” or anything else) because they like things that don’t conform with your vision for their gender. Don’t impose any gender roles on your kid, even if you’re trying to be inclusive.
Feminist parenting books
Same difference: How gender myths are hurting our relationships, our children, and our jobs
The truth about girls and boys: Challenging toxic stereotypes about our children
Parenting for liberation: A guide for raising Black children
Thank you for sharing these ideas and resources! ❤️
I’m so grateful that you compiled these resources. Sifting through what’s quality and what isn’t is such an exhausting chore. Much appreciated!