Ouch. I knew that already, but it's still rough to see it baldly in print like that. I'm gratified to know that at least my instincts were right. Thank you for your honesty.
Abuse does not have to be physical. Both of you deserve to live up to your full potential, and to experience real love. I hope you will find a way out.
Very likely, it changed after he knew he’d “tied you down” in a serious relationship.
This happened with me too - it was downright scary how becoming serious was such a sudden cue for him to stop being considerate and become an entitled child demanding this and that from his new second mommy.
They do it like it’s not supposed to be so bleeding obvious this romantic “consideration” was all a fake performance to begin with.
He didn’t take care of me after I had our son and as a result I came down with terrifyingly horrible PPD. He literally watched me drowning and doing it all and wouldn’t help with the baby. Now he wants me to “stop focusing on the past and move forward so we can have ANOTHER baby”. He also disregards my sexual boundaries constantly. I’m always the last to get in bed and once I do here he comes sliding over to my side to disturb the little sleep I do get because obviously his needs are more important than mine. So annoying!!
I would add; he refuses to discuss financial matters with you, and/or limits your access to money. This is disrespectful and inequitable and means he doesn’t love you enough to value your input and opinion.
I would also add: be deliberately buys you embarrassing or suggestive gifts that give direct hints that he doesn’t like you, your personality or your body. Example: buying you a vacuum cleaner, weight loss books or an exercise machine you did not ask for.
Also; arranges major projects without your input, like booking holidays, buying a new car etc.. disregard and disrespect for your opinion and input = No love
When you fight he makes low ball comments like, get out of my house, you’re crazy, PND isn’t real you’re just lazy.
I have so many more but I guess they all come under the umbrella of disrespect and invalidation.
He uses the phrases "but you didn't ask/tell me" or worse yet "you didn't remind me" - but he has a million excuses if you prove that you did ask/tell/remind ("you know I'm forgetful" yet he can keep every detail of two D&D campaigns in his head & he never forgets anything work-related or anything you said 10 years ago).
He has the audacity to scream at you that your parents' abuse & your previous husband's disloyalty, including bigamy & two children by another woman, were not only your fault but desired by you so you could "score points." No idea what that means, especially as he is the ultimate injustice collector & can remember all your inadequacies from the day you met, but "forget" his own -- including the day they happen.
“Start with tell them then that a whole lot of men hate their partners.” I wish someone would have told me how many hateful/abusive men are out there! It’s downright terrifying, especially when they are the covert type who don’t show their true colors until you’re invested in the relationship. Every girl/woman needs to know the odds and plan accordingly as much as is humanly possible.
YES! Fully agree. Once you see it, you don't unsee it, but looking for it would save so many women. Also, I realized my son was influenced by my ex and he acts like he hates women, too. :(
That has to be heartbreaking as a mother but I am so proud of you for knowing/acknowledging it…so many moms just sweep it under the rug and that inky perpetuates the problem! You probably already know this but it’s not your fault…your ex and the patriarchy influences are so, so strong.
I know your content focuses on cis and heteronormative relationships. Looking forward one day to content focusing on transmen. Would you consider writing on that topic one day? Thanks!
What do you want me to write about trans men? And you just accused me of centering men in my work, so why would you want me to write about anything? If there's something you want to read about trans men, I suggest you write it.
I realised he didn't love me when we had a baby together. I was waking every hour of the night to baby, while he slept all night if he wanted to, and I would would sleep when the baby slept (in 40-60 minute cycles). I was a sleep deprived mess. He claimed I was neglecting him and he "needs sex to feel loved". I told him I need sleep to be alive. Cue the sulking, the aggression, and mights of pestering. I gave in. It physically and emotionally hurt. It was a pump and dump. I said it had hurt and wasn't up for sex next time he asked, reminding him I needed sleep. So he said he would accept a blow job. Then it became hand jobs when I started refusing bjs. You get the drift. I now haven't had intimacy with him for 4 years because my body wants to run away when he asks. This same guy was also happy to pat me on the back and tell me he hopes I feel better, then go to work regardless, when I was delirious, twice, with mastitis, and still having to care for our baby alone.
Plenty more of these examples. I am so awake now and damn I am not able to leave yet.
When he does buy you gifts, it's something you've never expressed interest in or actually would like. He doesn't know any of your medical information. He doesn't know your family's or kids' birthdays.
Ouch. I knew that already, but it's still rough to see it baldly in print like that. I'm gratified to know that at least my instincts were right. Thank you for your honesty.
I felt the same way reading it. It’s so hard to read one after another while you check each box.
Abuse does not have to be physical. Both of you deserve to live up to your full potential, and to experience real love. I hope you will find a way out.
Thank you. I have hope, too.
I think what I wrestle with is how and when it changed. He used to do all this. Then... he didn't.
Same!!
Very likely, it changed after he knew he’d “tied you down” in a serious relationship.
This happened with me too - it was downright scary how becoming serious was such a sudden cue for him to stop being considerate and become an entitled child demanding this and that from his new second mommy.
They do it like it’s not supposed to be so bleeding obvious this romantic “consideration” was all a fake performance to begin with.
He didn’t take care of me after I had our son and as a result I came down with terrifyingly horrible PPD. He literally watched me drowning and doing it all and wouldn’t help with the baby. Now he wants me to “stop focusing on the past and move forward so we can have ANOTHER baby”. He also disregards my sexual boundaries constantly. I’m always the last to get in bed and once I do here he comes sliding over to my side to disturb the little sleep I do get because obviously his needs are more important than mine. So annoying!!
Annoying is not the word. It's cruel.
I would add; he refuses to discuss financial matters with you, and/or limits your access to money. This is disrespectful and inequitable and means he doesn’t love you enough to value your input and opinion.
I would also add: be deliberately buys you embarrassing or suggestive gifts that give direct hints that he doesn’t like you, your personality or your body. Example: buying you a vacuum cleaner, weight loss books or an exercise machine you did not ask for.
Also; arranges major projects without your input, like booking holidays, buying a new car etc.. disregard and disrespect for your opinion and input = No love
When you fight he makes low ball comments like, get out of my house, you’re crazy, PND isn’t real you’re just lazy.
I have so many more but I guess they all come under the umbrella of disrespect and invalidation.
He uses the phrases "but you didn't ask/tell me" or worse yet "you didn't remind me" - but he has a million excuses if you prove that you did ask/tell/remind ("you know I'm forgetful" yet he can keep every detail of two D&D campaigns in his head & he never forgets anything work-related or anything you said 10 years ago).
He has the audacity to scream at you that your parents' abuse & your previous husband's disloyalty, including bigamy & two children by another woman, were not only your fault but desired by you so you could "score points." No idea what that means, especially as he is the ultimate injustice collector & can remember all your inadequacies from the day you met, but "forget" his own -- including the day they happen.
“Start with tell them then that a whole lot of men hate their partners.” I wish someone would have told me how many hateful/abusive men are out there! It’s downright terrifying, especially when they are the covert type who don’t show their true colors until you’re invested in the relationship. Every girl/woman needs to know the odds and plan accordingly as much as is humanly possible.
YES! Fully agree. Once you see it, you don't unsee it, but looking for it would save so many women. Also, I realized my son was influenced by my ex and he acts like he hates women, too. :(
That has to be heartbreaking as a mother but I am so proud of you for knowing/acknowledging it…so many moms just sweep it under the rug and that inky perpetuates the problem! You probably already know this but it’s not your fault…your ex and the patriarchy influences are so, so strong.
The line "The existence of the clitoris is widespread knowledge. " makes my heart sing!
Funny you say not all women have clitorises but don't say not all men have penises. More centering of men!
What are you on about?
I know your content focuses on cis and heteronormative relationships. Looking forward one day to content focusing on transmen. Would you consider writing on that topic one day? Thanks!
What do you want me to write about trans men? And you just accused me of centering men in my work, so why would you want me to write about anything? If there's something you want to read about trans men, I suggest you write it.
Substack is open to all writers. Maybe you could start one that focuses on topics you enjoy reading and writing about
I realised he didn't love me when we had a baby together. I was waking every hour of the night to baby, while he slept all night if he wanted to, and I would would sleep when the baby slept (in 40-60 minute cycles). I was a sleep deprived mess. He claimed I was neglecting him and he "needs sex to feel loved". I told him I need sleep to be alive. Cue the sulking, the aggression, and mights of pestering. I gave in. It physically and emotionally hurt. It was a pump and dump. I said it had hurt and wasn't up for sex next time he asked, reminding him I needed sleep. So he said he would accept a blow job. Then it became hand jobs when I started refusing bjs. You get the drift. I now haven't had intimacy with him for 4 years because my body wants to run away when he asks. This same guy was also happy to pat me on the back and tell me he hopes I feel better, then go to work regardless, when I was delirious, twice, with mastitis, and still having to care for our baby alone.
Plenty more of these examples. I am so awake now and damn I am not able to leave yet.
When he does buy you gifts, it's something you've never expressed interest in or actually would like. He doesn't know any of your medical information. He doesn't know your family's or kids' birthdays.