The 3 biggest sexual mistakes men make with women--and how to fix them
Don't listen to other men, who have no idea what women want. Listen to women.
Men! Are you tired of your partner declining sex, or giving it only a halfhearted effort? You’re not alone. Many heterosexual men report that their women partners lose interest in sex, especially as the relationship progresses and children come along.
And what do most of these men do when this happens? They turn to other men seeking advice—brothers and fathers and friends, all of whom likely have had precisely zero success resolving this issue. Sometimes they get radicalized and turn to the manosphere, where they can get advice from wannabe, alleged, and confirmed rapists on getting women to consent to sex.
Their advice, of course, does not work. The men to whom men turn when their partners lose interest blame women, and attribute lack of desire to pseudoscientific bullshit. They’re not reliable sources on what women want, because they’re not women. And often, the advice they give just alienates women more.
I have a better solution: Listen to women.
When I surveyed women on their experiences with sex, sexual desire, and sexual communication. They were very clear about what they wanted. According to my data, here are the six biggest sexual mistakes men make—the most common reasons women lose interest in sex—and what you can do right now to fix them:
Ignoring a Partner’s Exhaustion, and Being Lazy Around the House
83% of women I surveyed cited being tired as a deterrent to sex. Taken in conjunction with my other survey data, which shows that men are often relaxing while women work themselves to the bone tending to children, working, and cleaning, it seems clear that men are a key reason women are tired. Sixty-four percent of my survey respondents said their partner’s refusal to do a fair share of household labor was the main reason they don’t want to have sex.
Do you really think that your partner wants to have sex with the person who is responsible for her fatigue? With the person who will happily play video game while she does everything else? Most women do not want to have sex with children. Exhausting manbabies are not sexy.
Find a way to relieve your partner’s fatigue. Offer sex worth having, and then watch her libido return. In my survey, 64% of women said the best thing their partners could do to increase their sexual interest was to do more around the house.
Being Mean to Your Partner
In my survey, most men tried to get their partners to have sex by guilting them and sulking. These are not sexy behaviors. Your partner does not owe you sex. If you don’t earn it by being a worthwhile sexual partner, you’re not getting it. Yet survey after survey continues to show that men are just outright mean to their partners.
They ignore them on Mother’s Day and their birthdays. They call them names. They undermine their parenting. They mock their emotions, demean their ambitions, and make life miserable with bad moods.
And then they wonder why their partners don’t want to have sex.
Nothing would make me more interested in sex.
Sixty-three percent of women said they are chronically angry with their partners, and most of that group said the main reason for this anger is that their partners are mean. 52% of my survey respondents said their partner being mean to them deters them from having sex, and nearly 100% of that group said they would have more sex with their partner if their partner was nicer.
Being Bad at Sex
Women don’t want to have bad sex.
They have the capacity to, in theory, have limitless orgasms. For women, sex can be a transcendent experience that can last for hours. So why would any woman want some dude to painfully ram her for a few seconds, then roll over and start snoring? 42% of my survey respondents said that the sex with their partners is bad, and 62% said that if their partners worked harder to seduce them, they’d be willing to have more sex.
But men aren’t listening, because my survey also found that women, on average, rate their sexual satisfaction a 2.2 on a scale of 1-10, and they estimate that they orgasm only half the time. Fourteen percent say they never orgasm, and 27% say they orgasm less than 20% of the time.
Why would women want to participate in this kind of sex?
So Why Aren’t Men Listening to Women?
It seems obvious enough that, if men want more sex, they should listen to the people they claim to want it from. But they don’t. They turn to Andrew Tate and Kevin Samuels, to their bros whose only sex is from a cam girl, or to their friend whose partner hasn’t wanted to fuck him in 20 years.
The solutions to getting women more interested in sex are obvious. Men who want their partners to want them can usually do so, if they’re willing to put in the work.
It’s the work that is the problem.
Men are indoctrinated from birth to believe that they shouldn’t have to sacrifice for women, and that merely showing up with a dick is all that is necessary to convince a woman to give them what they want.
No wonder so many of them are so angry that women expect things from them.
No wonder so many of them would rather spend their time listening to Andrew Tate than put in a little work and actually get laid.
The men who are unwilling to change for their partners aren’t actually interested in sex at all. They’re interested in sexual abuse—in pestering, guilting, and demeaning their partners until they give in.
More tips straight from my previous relationships with AMAB people:
--Stop taking every single time we touch as an invitation to sex. Cuddling, holding your hand, putting my head on your shoulder, coming up behind you for a hug, none of these are invitations to sex. My breasts are not there for you to grab as you walk by unless I've made it VERY clear that that turns me on (it doesn't).
--Stop treating us like masturbation sleeves with a brain stem. Cis men don't know how to have sex. What they KNOW how to do is to paw at their partner's body until she has no choice but to get wet (since that's a reflex, not a sign we're into it), then shove his penis into her until he cums. If you can't image having sex without putting your dick into some orifice, then you are not only bad at sex, you have no idea how to have it in the first place. And if you make her do this regularly and she shuts down, that's called r-a-p-e. Yes, you. You did that.
--Stop treating your partner's orgasm as your personal victory. If your partner doesn't cum from penetration or your half-hearted oral, find a better way. If your partner cums from toys, enjoy that with her. If your partner doesn't multi-orgasm, do not, under ANY circumstances, attempt to "train" her to do so without her express permission. Success at sex is your partner feeling safe, heard, sexy, turned on (both in her body AND her mind) and satisfied--however that happens for her.
--Stop waking up your partner demanding that she satisfy your morning wood, either directly or through the above method of just pawing at her until she finally rolls over and opens her legs in defeat. You will not die if you don't get off. Her body doesn't belong to you. Fuck. Off.
--For fuck's sake, shower and brush your teeth first. Groom your dick if your partner likes it that way. Groom your ass if you expect her to eat you there (don't lie; you know some of you do and that's perfectly okay). Have sex with your partner even if her legs are like carpets but she has basic hygiene. She does not owe you extras if you don't do them too.
Whew! I feel better.
This article needs to be on Fatherly and some men's magazines. Full stop. 👏👏👏👏