In my experience, they also behave as if it is the women who want the children, so therefore it's all on the wives to handle all that kid stuff. "YOU wanted kids!" I have often heard said. Oddly, when I went into my marriages and told them up front I had decided not having children would be best for me for a variety of reasons(some medical), they all chimed in how glad they were, but then every.single.one. of them, excepting this last one of 20 years, pressured me to have a baby and SO DID their families. I had multiple miscarriages, which all shone the light on the treatment I could expect had any of those made it to a full term baby.
I ended up being a step mother to one precious little girl beginning at age 2, but she seemingly had a great mom and I signed up for every other weekend, a few days at the holidays, and a couple of weeks in the summer. Instead, I ended up being a full time mother and did all the things mentioned in your article while both bio parents lived the life of single people partying, going on beach or golf trips with friends, etc... I guess they could sense I was the kind of person who wouldn't allow a child to suffer emotionally or go without.
STILL though, the men DO generally want children, but a specific KIND of a child; Most certainly they want a boy(a straight, man's man boy who likes sports and fishing) and expect you to, "keep trying", until you fucking get one. They want a healthy child too. If they don't get one then they do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL to care for a special needs child and somehow, the feeling shines through that this child is 100% YOUR responsibility, for some inexplicable reason. It's like if you give birth to any being that is other than what they want, it's all on you like stink on shit. Even a "perfect" child doesn't get the paternal parenting he deserves, hardly ever.
My own father, as well as husband #4, who was the only father in my hodge-podge of husbands, did not know anything at all about their children; NADA. My father didn't know anything at all about MY MOTHER who he married in 1962. She was rushed to the ER once with chest pains and I met him there in the ER. The nurse was doing the intake and I had to answer the following questions:
Blood Type
Birth date(he didn't know the year)
Allergies(she had one potentially deadly one)
Medications she was on(NOPE!. She had been on insulin for 15 years and a few others)
AND SO ON.
They do not know and they do not care. It is just that simple, and worse, when they are called out on it they don't seem to mind, AT ALL. My Step Daughter's father wasn't able to answer basic questions about her health, medications, etc...either when she broke her arm on a playground when she was 6. It wouldn't have mattered though because he couldn't be located until she was about to be discharged anyway because he was on a golf trip.
They don't care and it's a difficult thing to digest, but it's 100% true with VERY few exceptions I have heard about, but have never seen in person.
Another one to add to the list: I don’t have to worry about my health. My partner will take care of the doctor’s appointments, my lab tests and medications. I don’t research about the best diets/treatments for my age and condition and still will eat as healthy as possible. I don’t do the grocery shopping and the fridge and pantry are always full. If I get sick, my partner will take care of me and if I have a terminal disease I don’t have to be worried about abandonment because it’s very likely that she will stay until death tore us apart. (I think they are not “Dad” privileges per se but I wanted to reflect on that too).
“I can laugh and joke about the moods of my teenagers being hard work secure in the knowledge that someone else is doing the emotional labour of making sure it is just a phase and not something going very wrong.”
“If I need a nap, someone else will care for my children while I do that”.
I *just* saw this out in the wild at the library - the father was snoring on the couch in the kids’ area while the mother chased toddlers around and tried to engage them in quiet activities and stop them disturbing other patrons.
I will never have to worry about taking maternity leave and being away from my job/career for extended periods of time.
I will never have to worry about loss of job skills and falling behind in career growth and my development of skills within my job, due to the fact that I’ve had to have so much time away from my position.
Or the risk of being made redundant whilst on maternity leave.
Or how I will balance the work/life load once I do go back to work.
I will never have to struggle with prioritizing a work out for my mental health because someone else will look after my kids for me.
"I never have to spend time on the phone sorting out issues related to our homes continual functioning; bank errors, utility bill errors, online return requests and dropping off packages for items that did not work out for my home, myself, and and my children, making repair appointments, etc.. I never have to buy myself new clothes that I need if I don't want to, but I still always have or get what I need. I never have to help my children with their homework unless I want to because someone else will help them. I don't know the names of my children's friends or their friend's parents. I never need to be the point of contact for my child's coach. I never have to worry about keeping a list of crucial information about my partner, children, or even myself, such as health insurance numbers. I will never be criticized if my children are tired at school or events for staying up to late in my care, I will never be criticized if my child acts out. I will never be criticized for allowing my children to have too much screen time when in my care. I will never be criticized if our family home is a mess."
If I want a divorce and we have kids, it’s fine because I have a good reason and/or a new better woman appliance. If my spouse wants a divorce she is crazy and selfish and will ruin the kids lives forever. If she found a better man, she’s even worse.
All of this is true, unfortunately.
In my experience, they also behave as if it is the women who want the children, so therefore it's all on the wives to handle all that kid stuff. "YOU wanted kids!" I have often heard said. Oddly, when I went into my marriages and told them up front I had decided not having children would be best for me for a variety of reasons(some medical), they all chimed in how glad they were, but then every.single.one. of them, excepting this last one of 20 years, pressured me to have a baby and SO DID their families. I had multiple miscarriages, which all shone the light on the treatment I could expect had any of those made it to a full term baby.
I ended up being a step mother to one precious little girl beginning at age 2, but she seemingly had a great mom and I signed up for every other weekend, a few days at the holidays, and a couple of weeks in the summer. Instead, I ended up being a full time mother and did all the things mentioned in your article while both bio parents lived the life of single people partying, going on beach or golf trips with friends, etc... I guess they could sense I was the kind of person who wouldn't allow a child to suffer emotionally or go without.
STILL though, the men DO generally want children, but a specific KIND of a child; Most certainly they want a boy(a straight, man's man boy who likes sports and fishing) and expect you to, "keep trying", until you fucking get one. They want a healthy child too. If they don't get one then they do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL to care for a special needs child and somehow, the feeling shines through that this child is 100% YOUR responsibility, for some inexplicable reason. It's like if you give birth to any being that is other than what they want, it's all on you like stink on shit. Even a "perfect" child doesn't get the paternal parenting he deserves, hardly ever.
My own father, as well as husband #4, who was the only father in my hodge-podge of husbands, did not know anything at all about their children; NADA. My father didn't know anything at all about MY MOTHER who he married in 1962. She was rushed to the ER once with chest pains and I met him there in the ER. The nurse was doing the intake and I had to answer the following questions:
Blood Type
Birth date(he didn't know the year)
Allergies(she had one potentially deadly one)
Medications she was on(NOPE!. She had been on insulin for 15 years and a few others)
AND SO ON.
They do not know and they do not care. It is just that simple, and worse, when they are called out on it they don't seem to mind, AT ALL. My Step Daughter's father wasn't able to answer basic questions about her health, medications, etc...either when she broke her arm on a playground when she was 6. It wouldn't have mattered though because he couldn't be located until she was about to be discharged anyway because he was on a golf trip.
They don't care and it's a difficult thing to digest, but it's 100% true with VERY few exceptions I have heard about, but have never seen in person.
This!!! 🎯🎯🎯
"Unfixable and unfuckable" I love it! So true!
Thank you for this list. Somehow, he still gets into my head. Reading this reaffirms just how good the piece of shit has it.
I wish you so much self compassion, self accompaniment and self friendliness so that you develop the courage to act in your best interests.
Another one to add to the list: I don’t have to worry about my health. My partner will take care of the doctor’s appointments, my lab tests and medications. I don’t research about the best diets/treatments for my age and condition and still will eat as healthy as possible. I don’t do the grocery shopping and the fridge and pantry are always full. If I get sick, my partner will take care of me and if I have a terminal disease I don’t have to be worried about abandonment because it’s very likely that she will stay until death tore us apart. (I think they are not “Dad” privileges per se but I wanted to reflect on that too).
“I can laugh and joke about the moods of my teenagers being hard work secure in the knowledge that someone else is doing the emotional labour of making sure it is just a phase and not something going very wrong.”
💯
“If I need a nap, someone else will care for my children while I do that”.
I *just* saw this out in the wild at the library - the father was snoring on the couch in the kids’ area while the mother chased toddlers around and tried to engage them in quiet activities and stop them disturbing other patrons.
I will never have to worry about taking maternity leave and being away from my job/career for extended periods of time.
I will never have to worry about loss of job skills and falling behind in career growth and my development of skills within my job, due to the fact that I’ve had to have so much time away from my position.
Or the risk of being made redundant whilst on maternity leave.
Or how I will balance the work/life load once I do go back to work.
I will never have to struggle with prioritizing a work out for my mental health because someone else will look after my kids for me.
"I never have to spend time on the phone sorting out issues related to our homes continual functioning; bank errors, utility bill errors, online return requests and dropping off packages for items that did not work out for my home, myself, and and my children, making repair appointments, etc.. I never have to buy myself new clothes that I need if I don't want to, but I still always have or get what I need. I never have to help my children with their homework unless I want to because someone else will help them. I don't know the names of my children's friends or their friend's parents. I never need to be the point of contact for my child's coach. I never have to worry about keeping a list of crucial information about my partner, children, or even myself, such as health insurance numbers. I will never be criticized if my children are tired at school or events for staying up to late in my care, I will never be criticized if my child acts out. I will never be criticized for allowing my children to have too much screen time when in my care. I will never be criticized if our family home is a mess."
If I want a divorce and we have kids, it’s fine because I have a good reason and/or a new better woman appliance. If my spouse wants a divorce she is crazy and selfish and will ruin the kids lives forever. If she found a better man, she’s even worse.