The Dad Privilege Checklist
There are so many things that dads never have to think about, and never have to feel guilty for not considering.
It’s been nearly three years since I first published the dad privilege checklist, so I thought it would be useful to edit and update this popular post. I hope you love it!
The painful truth about motherhood in a patriarchy is this: Motherhood is mandatory, and no matter how hard you try, someone will still think you’re doing it wrong. Fatherhood is always optional.
Being a mother is a radically different experience from being a father. Almost all fathers can slack off, confident in the knowledge that someone else will do the work for them. And almost all mothers know that no one will even notice or care how much work they’re doing—let alone acknowledge how intellectually and emotionally challenging it is. For dads, parenting is a less conflicted experience. When they show up, they can enjoy it more. And when they don’t, they experience far fewer consequences than mothers.
Men who aspire to more equity should consider how their privilege shows up in their parenting—and how this parenting models extremely unhealthy relationships to the next generation.
Mothers may find that considering this list helps them understand why it all feels so unmanageable.
Perhaps most importantly, if a man denigrates the incredible work women do, as outlined on this list, or if he thinks that a few tasks here and there or a paycheck cancel all this work out, it’s important to know that he’s unfixable and unfuckable.
I hope folks reading this will consider the fact that privilege is different from oppression. Even feminist men enjoy significant male privilege, including as fathers. In my own marriage, my husband and I equitably split parenting, but he still gets all the praise. While you can give up some privilege (the privilege to get away with not doing your kids’ laundry, for example), some privileges persist no matter what you do. Reflecting on these privileged, on the way patriarchy gives you extra goodies even if you don’t want them and actively avoid them, can help men become better allies with a more astute understanding of the role of patriarchy in their lives.
Consider which of these privileges you or the men in your lives have. It’s probably most of them:
I will be praised for just showing up, even when my partner would be criticized for doing the same things.
Even if my relationship is equitable and I am an involved father, I will be praised for all I do, and my partner will be criticized for not doing enough.
I know that someone else will register my children for school.
I know that someone else will know the signs of developmental disabilities and mental health issues in my children.
If I experience any stress at all while my partner is recovering from giving birth, people will tell her to do more for me. No one will ever tell me to do more for her, no matter how much she does or how little I do.
My partner will be judged for my parenting shortcomings.
I don’t have to worry about school supplies because someone else will do it for me.
I can leave the house and, without me giving my spouse instructions, they will care for my children properly and ensure the house is clean.
There is not an entire movement devoted to the claim that my decision to have children lowers my worth.
There is no widespread social discussion of how gross and weird my body is now that I have kids.
I do not have to endanger my life and risk trauma and injury to have children.
If we are not able to have biological children, my partner will do most of the work to help us adopt or foster a child. If we are able to have biological children, my partner will do most of the work of managing our fertility.
Someone else organizes my kids’ clothes, switches them out when the seasons change, and buys replacements.
Someone else usually makes my dinner.
Even if I never prepare or shop for a meal, my kids will still eat.
My basic hygiene needs are not treated as indulgent luxuries.
It is not a family crisis when I leave for a few hours.
No matter how much my partner does, society will never tell me that I am asking too much.
People do not make negative assumptions about my intellect or personality based on my status as a parent.
Someone else organizes my kids’ toys, donates or sells old toys, and replaces them with new toys.
Someone who is not me breastfeeds our baby.
Someone else gets up in the middle of the night with our children.
If I work, I am able to use my paid job as an excuse not to do things around the house.
Even if my partner works, I will use my paid job as an excuse not to do things around the house.
People often praise me for my parenting, even though my partner does more of the parenting work.
I criticize gifts for family members or my children that I did not plan, buy, or wrap for being too expensive, inappropriate, or otherwise the wrong choice.
If I show up in public with my children, I will be praised for being an excellent dad, or for giving mom a “break.”
I have never been shamed by a stranger for my parenting style.
If my kids are wearing inappropriate clothing—too small, too big, wrong season—no one will criticize me.
No one has ever blamed my parenting decisions on my hormones.
No one has ever blamed my emotions on my hormones.
If I have surgery or a medical crisis, someone else will take care of my children while I recover.
If I mistreat my partner or my children, it will be taken far less seriously than if my partner did the same.
Even if I murder my entire family, the media will likely frame the story as one of a “good dad” who “snapped.”
No matter how many foolish, abusive, or dangerous parenting mistakes I make, people will still label me a good father for trying.
Even if I have almost no involvement with my children, I will have a good chance of getting some variety of joint custody of them if my partner and I split up.
No matter how much I benefit from my partner’s free labor, society will not expect me to compensate her for that labor. If we split up, even in the unlikely event she is awarded significant child support and alimony, I will not be expected to fully and fairly compensate her for the market value of her work.
My partner cleaned or cooked during the 6 weeks after they gave birth to our child.
My partner got less sleep than I did in the 6 weeks during which she recovered from our child’s birth.
When my partner was giving birth, I slept for a portion of the time that they were awake and in labor.
I am not expected to entertain visitors.
If we go to an event or have company, I do not have to watch my kids, and they will still be safe because someone else will do it.
I have the luxury of believing things usually work out, and never considering that’s because someone else is doing the invisible work of ensuring they work out.
I do not help my children write thank-you notes or send presents to relatives, yet they still get sent.
I have never planned birthday party games.
I have never decorated for a birthday party.
My children attend summer camp or other summer activities, but I do not research those camps or register my child for them.
I do not pack my children for a trip, but they always have clothes.
When my family takes a vacation, the only thing I have to do is pack my own possessions and load the car.
I do not plan, make, or buy my children’s Halloween costumes, yet they always have them.
I do not know the specific age at which my child hit the following developmental milestones: walking, saying their first word, crawling, letter identification.
I have never made a birthday party invitation.
I do not know all of my children’s current clothing and shoe sizes.
I do not regularly pack a going away or day bag for my children when we go on a family outing.
When we go on a family outing, I do not plan the logistics, transportation, meals, etc.
I have never served on a school committee.
I have never chaperoned a field trip.
I have never packed a diaper bag.
I do not typically buy presents for our extended family, yet they still get presents.
I do not wrap the holiday presents.
My extended family gets holiday cards from our kids, but I do not make those cards.
We do family photos, but I do not schedule them.
I do not select and plan and buy outfits for family photos.
We send holiday cards, but I do not order them, design them, or mail them.
I don’t have to worry about doctor’s appointments for my kids, because someone else will make them.
I don’t have to worry about dentist appointments for my kids, because someone else will make them.
If I have to work or go on an outing, someone else will plan childcare.
Someone else will research and hire childcare.
Someone else will manage and pay our childcare provider.
Even if I don’t buy any presents for my kids’ birthdays, they will still get presents, because my partner or ex-partner will do it.
I don’t plan my kids’ birthday parties, but they still happen.
Someone else plans our family’s vacations and holiday events.
Even if I never schedule a playdate, my children will still get to see their friends on playdates.
If I am not around, my partner will maintain my children’s schedule and routine.
I don’t read parenting books, message boards, or information about child development.
My house will still be reasonably clean, even if I do not clean it.
If my child needs disability accommodations, no one will blame this on my anxiety.
If my child needs therapy of any kind, someone else will research and hire the therapist.
Someone else will RSVP for birthday parties or other events on behalf of my child.
I have not read books or websites about current practices in child nutrition.
I do not know the developmental milestones for my child’s age.
Even if I don’t pack my child’s school lunch, they’ll still eat.
I often relax while my spouse does chores around the house.
I do not typically book repair people to manage repairs around the home.
I do not thank my partner for the tasks they do around the house.
If I don’t notice the tasks my partner does around the house, no one will criticize me.
I do not maintain my children’s routines, diets, or schedules when my partner is away and I must care for them.
If I travel out of town, I can be confident that I will come home to a relatively clean house.
Someone else makes sure my dry clean-only clothes get washed.
I don’t plan or facilitate time with our extended family, but we still see them.
If I do a task incorrectly, people will tell my partner to praise me for trying.
I get to pretend that rare tasks, like changing the oil, take up as much time as the hundreds of tasks outlined above.
I do not do my own laundry.
I do not know where all of my children’s toys go.
I do not know where the clothing of every member of the house goes.
If I clean a portion of the house, I will leave a pile of items that I either do not want to put away, or that I do not know where to put. My partner will put them away.
I do not have to worry about planning educational outings for my children. Even if I never research events in my area, my partner will ensure we have something to do every weekend.
I complain about being tired when my partner has been up with the baby.
I have never discussed with my partner how giving birth psychologically affected them.
I have asked my partner to have sex when they were in pain after giving birth.
Someone will take flattering pictures of me with my kids, even if I don't ask them.
I will never have to teach my partner basic childcare or safety.
I will never have to make a parenting or household labor to-do list for my partner.
My partner does their household chores without being asked or taught.
My partner gets my children ready on time, and dressed in seasonally and occasionally appropriate clothes without being asked.
If we have a family event, my partner will dress and groom themselves appropriately without being asked.
I do not have to facilitate my partner's grooming or teach them how to groom themselves.
I feel entitled to become angry and resentful when my partner asks me to do household labor.
I don’t ever have to think about these privileges.
No matter how much my partner suffers, I will never conclude that it would be fair for me to do more than her. If she has a miscarriage, I'll still be able to count on her to run the household. If she has surgery or gives birth, she will continue to care for our kids. If her parents die, she will continue to do more to care for me than I do to care for her. If our child dies, she will be the one to plan their funeral. And very likely, I will offer her no emotional support through any of these challenges, and society will not judge me for my failure to do so.
Readers: What’s your dad privilege score? What privileges did I miss? I may add them to the list.
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All of this is true, unfortunately.
In my experience, they also behave as if it is the women who want the children, so therefore it's all on the wives to handle all that kid stuff. "YOU wanted kids!" I have often heard said. Oddly, when I went into my marriages and told them up front I had decided not having children would be best for me for a variety of reasons(some medical), they all chimed in how glad they were, but then every.single.one. of them, excepting this last one of 20 years, pressured me to have a baby and SO DID their families. I had multiple miscarriages, which all shone the light on the treatment I could expect had any of those made it to a full term baby.
I ended up being a step mother to one precious little girl beginning at age 2, but she seemingly had a great mom and I signed up for every other weekend, a few days at the holidays, and a couple of weeks in the summer. Instead, I ended up being a full time mother and did all the things mentioned in your article while both bio parents lived the life of single people partying, going on beach or golf trips with friends, etc... I guess they could sense I was the kind of person who wouldn't allow a child to suffer emotionally or go without.
STILL though, the men DO generally want children, but a specific KIND of a child; Most certainly they want a boy(a straight, man's man boy who likes sports and fishing) and expect you to, "keep trying", until you fucking get one. They want a healthy child too. If they don't get one then they do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL to care for a special needs child and somehow, the feeling shines through that this child is 100% YOUR responsibility, for some inexplicable reason. It's like if you give birth to any being that is other than what they want, it's all on you like stink on shit. Even a "perfect" child doesn't get the paternal parenting he deserves, hardly ever.
My own father, as well as husband #4, who was the only father in my hodge-podge of husbands, did not know anything at all about their children; NADA. My father didn't know anything at all about MY MOTHER who he married in 1962. She was rushed to the ER once with chest pains and I met him there in the ER. The nurse was doing the intake and I had to answer the following questions:
Blood Type
Birth date(he didn't know the year)
Allergies(she had one potentially deadly one)
Medications she was on(NOPE!. She had been on insulin for 15 years and a few others)
AND SO ON.
They do not know and they do not care. It is just that simple, and worse, when they are called out on it they don't seem to mind, AT ALL. My Step Daughter's father wasn't able to answer basic questions about her health, medications, etc...either when she broke her arm on a playground when she was 6. It wouldn't have mattered though because he couldn't be located until she was about to be discharged anyway because he was on a golf trip.
They don't care and it's a difficult thing to digest, but it's 100% true with VERY few exceptions I have heard about, but have never seen in person.
“I can laugh and joke about the moods of my teenagers being hard work secure in the knowledge that someone else is doing the emotional labour of making sure it is just a phase and not something going very wrong.”