The family constitution: A tool to counteract inequality in your relationship

Is it really that he doesn't know how to help? Or is he just gaslighting you?

There are only three potential explanations for household labor inequality:

1. Your partner can’t contribute equally. This might happen to someone undergoing chemotherapy or with a severe mobility impairment.

2. Your partner won’t contribute equally because they don’t want to. This is by far the most common reason. Men are raised to feel entitled to women’s work, and women are raised to believe that men’s time is more valuable than their own.

3. There is disagreement about what work needs to be done or who should do it.

Number three is the least common reason for household labor inequality, but men and society gaslight women into believing it’s the most common. “Just make a list of the things he needs to do!” they tell us. As if men don’t know children need food and it’s women’s job to teach men how to be competent adults.

I have a simple tool that will help you determine whether the problem is that your partner won’t do his fair share because he doesn’t think he should have to, or if it really is that you two haven’t mutually agreed about what needs doing: the family constitution.

Not only will this document memorialize the tasks your family needs to do; it also establishes expectations about emotional support, fighting, and more. It’s a great complement to this tool I made, which will help you assess how unequal things are right now.

Why do you need a family constitution? Well, if you were entering into a business arrangement with someone else, you’d have a contract. A marriage/partnership is a business arrangement for life, that affects every single aspect of your existence. A constitution helps you discuss your expectations. And if you’re not yet married, it can help you identify major incompatibilities. Some other reasons to draft a constitution:

• It forces you to think about the unstated assumption in your relationship, and to make your needs explicit.

• It is a powerful antidote to gaslighting. If you agree that you should be splitting chores 50/50 when your partner isn’t at work, then he doesn’t get to later claim that his job means he doesn’t have to do anything.

• It makes clear that you’re both required to give in your relationship. If you decide that one partner being sick means that the other partner has to take care of them, it’s easy to call your spouse out when he refuses to cook next time you have the flu.

• It can help you identify why household inequality exists in the first place. If you have jointly identified your expectations, but the inequality continues, then you know that: a) your partner has agreed he is capable of meeting these expectations; b) he knows what the expectations are; c) he’s still refusing to meet them. This means it’s a choice.

• If your partner refuses to work with you on a family constitution, you know he’s not serious about honoring one another’s needs or setting expectations.

So how do you draft a constitution? The rest of this post is for paid subscribers. However, I know not everyone can pay, and that this kind of information is important. So it will become available to unpaid subscribers in 2 weeks. Subscribe now to get access!

How to Draft Your Family Constitution

You’ll need a couple hours to work on your constitution. Try scheduling a little time each night when the kids are sleeping. Or make it a date. Hire a baby-sitter, rent a hotel room, eat some delicious food, and hammer out the details of your relationship. This works best if it’s fun, and if you do it at a time when you’re both feeling reasonably optimistic about the relationship.

A constitution is a living document. This means you’ll need to revisit it. This poses a great opportunity to talk about your relationship, re-evaluate needs, and make necessary changes. I recommend revisiting the constitution at least twice a year at first. Anniversaries and half-anniversaries are a good opportunity to do this.

Every relationship is different. You should think carefully about each partner’s needs, and supplement my suggestions —or delete them entirely—based on the unique realities of your relationship.

At minimum, most relationships will need sections addressing all of the following. The more detail and specificity you can provide, the better.

Sexual fidelity

Get specific about what being faithful to your partner means.

• Is your relationship monogamous?

• What counts as cheating? Does it have to involve sex? What about pornography, cyber sex, and emotional infidelity?

• If you are not monogamous, what are your rules around other partners?

Sex

Sexual consent should be at the core of every healthy relationship. This means it’s impossible to agree to specific types of sex or sexual frequencies ahead of time. But you can talk about your mutual understanding of sex, sexual goals, and other general principles.

• What counts as sex? What do each of you define as good sex? Do both partners need to orgasm?

• What does each partner need out of sex? This is especially important for women to identify, since most cannot orgasm from intercourse alone.

• Are there specific sexual acts you want to try? What about sex acts that are on your forbidden list?

• Are you trying to have a baby, avoiding having a baby, or neither avoiding nor trying?

• Who is in charge of birth control? What about fertility management if you’re trying to get pregnant?

Division of household labor

This is where you talk about general principles for the division of labor. I suggest using this tool to help you. It identifies common household chores, and determines who is currently tending to them so you can assess the level of current inequality in your relationship.

Some general principles to discuss:

• What do you consider equality? Is it both partners getting the same amount of sleep? The same amount of free time?

• If one partner is the primary caretaker for children, how will you equitably divide duties?

Parenting style

Disputes over parenting style can be catastrophic. You simply cannot stay with someone who wants to hit your children or psychologically abuse them. Some questions to discuss include:

• How do we discipline our kids? What specific methods do we use?

• What does our family routine look like?

• What values are we raising our kids with?

• How do we handle food and nutrition? Screen time? Bedtime?

• If there is a disagreement over parenting, how will we resolve it?

• Can we mutually agree that we will never speak negatively about one another to our children?

• What are the things we agree never to say or do to our kids?

• What are the things that are most important to us in our daily parenting? For example, do we intend to read to our kids each day?

• Do we agree that we are both equally responsible for parenting?

• What specific duties will each of us handle daily?

Goals for the future

We all have things we’re working toward. This is where you discuss specific goals and how you’re working toward them. Keep this to realistic medium- and long-term goals, not unrealistic pipe dreams. For example, are you saving to buy a house? Hoping to get a pet? Seeking a promotion at work? Work together on a plan to achieve these dreams. In a partnership, you both work toward one another’s goals.

Rules for fighting and conflict resolution

How will you handle conflict? Some rules for fighting should be universal:

• No name-calling

• No yelling or threats

• No breaking things

• No stonewalling

Additionally, the goal of each fight should be to resolve the underlying issue, not to win, and not to disappear things. But what specifically would you like to do to manage conflict? Every couple has its own needs. For example, if you both feel anxious about fighting, you could mutually agree that you will endeavor to offer reassurance and love during a fight. Fights are hard; this section is aspirational. But by talking about how you want to fight before it happens, you may make arguments more loving.

Special needs of each partner/love languages

Everyone has their own special needs that might seem unusual. In a good partnership, these needs are honored and valued—not demeaned.

Here’s the challenge: In most heterosexual relationships, the man’s needs take center stage and end up being used as an excuse, while the woman’s needs go ignored.

So you each get to name a few things you need that might not otherwise be obvious. For instance, you might need a day alone every 3 months. He might want you to regularly remind him of the reasons you love him. You both might need lots of reassurance about the relationship. Make these needs explicit, and it becomes easier to ensure they never again go unmet.

Gifts

Gifts are a huge sticking point in many heterosexual marriages. Women are taught to give. Men are taught to take. So women often make the holidays special and get nothing in return.

Make your gift expectations very specific:

• Do you both want gifts? Be honest.

• What specific holidays do each of you expect gifts for?

• What are some gifts you like? For example, my husband always gets me jewelry for Mother’s Day.

• What is your general budget for gifts? If one partner makes significantly more and you don’t share finances, that partner should be spending significantly more on gifts.

Special occasions

How do you want to handle special occasions? Get really specific:

• Which holidays does your family celebrate?

• How do you celebrate them?

• How will you split the work of holiday celebrations?

• If there is a disagreement about holidays, how will you resolve it?

Family traditions and customs

This part can be fun. Every family has traditions. What are some that you would like to start? Are there family traditions you don’t like? Family traditions you want to preserve? Spend some time thinking about what matters most to your family, then put it in the constitution.

Managing extended family

Spoiler alert: your spouse and your kids come first. If either partner initiates disputes between you, your kids, or your extended family, that’s a big problem. Address extended family explicitly:

• How will you handle disputes with extended family?

• How much time will you spend with extended family?

• What help and support will you offer to extended family?

Readers: Do you have questions about writing a constitution? Is there additional information you think I should add? Feel free to list it in the comments!