I quiet quit my marriage around the beginning of 2022. I didn't have a term for it then, but I grieved the fact that my marriage of 12 years was just never going to meet my needs. For a number of reasons, I've only just now been able to work on an exit plan. We go through these cycles, though, of him wanting to try all of a sudden, and with that, asking for sex. I cannot bring myself to have sex with him anymore, and I go through this whole mental shit show when he does this, like a mini grieving cycle all over again. That, for me, has been the absolute worst part of quiet quitting. Seeing that he's capable of being a responsible human, but only for sex. Not for me. Not because his wife is drowning in responsibilities and can't even step away from the kids for an hour to feel human.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. What you're feeling is valid and totally understandable. I hope your exit goes as smoothly as possible and you live the rest of your life as happy as possible.
Being coerced and pressured into sex is still rape even if you don’t say no...maybe not in a court of law but the fear and threat of violence if you say no is still not consent. Do what you need to survive but you are not obligated to have sex with anyone
Ugh, the sex thing. I stopped finding my former partner desirable because he was doing nothing to help me around our house...not even the bare minimum. The last time we had sex it was not great. After that, I just couldn’t anymore. Just started turning him down every night. Then, of course, his ego was bruised. He whined about feeling inadequate because I kept turning him down, and “he needs to feel desired, otherwise he feels insecure in our relationship.”
DUDE.
What about MY needs. I need a partner to connect with on an emotional level in order to want sex. How can I do that when I’m TIRED of doing everything and trying to get you to help me? I felt like his mother, always asking and reminding. The fact he couldn’t see that was a nail in the coffin. The final nail was when he complained to another woman that he wasn’t getting laid because I had chosen celibacy. 😑 I didn’t choose celibacy. I just chose not to fuck HIM anymore.
There are directions in the confirmation email you should have received. You can also search for liberating Motherhood on Facebook. Lmk if you need help!
Thank you for this piece. I’ve recently subscribed and joined the private group. And I hear a lot of women talk about quiet quitting.
But let me tell you, it’s no fun. Not one bit of it. I quiet quit before I followed you, before I knew what the term was. I only knew that, as the end drew nigh, that it was time to stop putting love and energy into a home, when no other adult who resided there gave two fucks about it.
But in the end, I was left with a home that I’d neglected, because I was so damn sick of being the only one who cared about it....and the neglect only served to fuel my depression once the split happened. It’s a strange thing, being vilified in letting it go, because no one else gives a fuck, but also being depressed because you loved it, you’re a homemaker at heart, and your home is your solace against the world....but you let it go to the point of embarrassment. None of those make sense together. It creates an environment that is unbearable, but the insufferableness of it unrecognizable until finally out.
Quiet quitting is no fun. But to make it at least somewhat bearable, have a plan to leave.
For many women, home is our solace and that is why we desire to make it comfortable and appealing to our eyes. We are stuck in for extensive hours of the day, we cannot just leave whenever we want especially when we have a partner who doesn’t respect us or value our time. Even in healthy and equitable relationships, most woman do not feel safe to just leave to do whatever we want, whenever we want. So if you find nice clean home is what makes YOU feel safe and not stressed out, don’t feel bad about it.
There was absolutely nothing about my house that was safe or comfortable. It didn’t matter if it was clean or not. I’m not quite sure I understand your comment. I think I’m missing something. And admittedly, I haven’t had coffee yet.
Absolutely in many abusive homes, their homes are not safe. But for some people, especially women, outside the home isn’t safe either. Some of us may live in communities with high crime. Some may have disabilities where the outside doesn’t make it safe for us to maneuver. Some of us are people of color or are from another marginalized group and don’t live in safe and accepting communities. In these cases, home maybe more safe than the outside world for us.
Ok, thanks for that. And you are absolutely correct. If my comment intimated that, I absolutely apologize.
Yes, domestic violence is such a nuanced thing. And those that ignore the intersectionality of poverty or community violence or race or disability and domestic violence are completely missing the mark. Per this article, Black women had the second highest increase in the homicide rate in 2019 and 2020. I can only imagine that it got worse with covid. https://amp.theguardian.com/world/2022/jun/25/homicide-violence-against-black-women-us
I worked in homeless services for years, and helped out the police department with their annual homeless survey last year. It was my first time helping with the survey. I was assigned to women in shelters. And when the survey was finished, and the person who’d created the survey asked for feedback, I tried to push about the fact that we really to create more equitable data collection. That those however many questions don’t tell the story of why these intersectionally marginalized women were homeless. It didn’t give an accurate representation of the Black woman who technically has an apartment in the city that she pays for, but because of a sexual assault that she reported to the police, she can’t go home. So she had to pack up her younger brothers and flee to a shelter 6 hours away. It doesn’t tell the story of the Intellectually Disabled woman who was evicted because she kept receiving code enforcement notices on her door, but she had few literacy skills and no one to help her access that information.
I know that I have immense privilege, despite my current circumstances (homeless after leaving an abusive marriage). And I also recognize that one of the reasons I stayed longer than I should have, is because I have a disabled kid. But it eventually got to the point that this option for us was safer than staying. That the costs for us, especially the kids, had gotten to the point and they were far outweighing the benefits.
Anyway, thanks for your comment. I appreciate you opening up this conversation.
I quiet quit my marriage around the beginning of 2022. I didn't have a term for it then, but I grieved the fact that my marriage of 12 years was just never going to meet my needs. For a number of reasons, I've only just now been able to work on an exit plan. We go through these cycles, though, of him wanting to try all of a sudden, and with that, asking for sex. I cannot bring myself to have sex with him anymore, and I go through this whole mental shit show when he does this, like a mini grieving cycle all over again. That, for me, has been the absolute worst part of quiet quitting. Seeing that he's capable of being a responsible human, but only for sex. Not for me. Not because his wife is drowning in responsibilities and can't even step away from the kids for an hour to feel human.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. What you're feeling is valid and totally understandable. I hope your exit goes as smoothly as possible and you live the rest of your life as happy as possible.
I appreciate that so much, thank you ❤️
Question I have been wondering about: what do you recommend/what have people tried in terms of sex if you're quiet quitting? 😬
For me, I would say it's not worth it and your husband does not deserve it.
Being coerced and pressured into sex is still rape even if you don’t say no...maybe not in a court of law but the fear and threat of violence if you say no is still not consent. Do what you need to survive but you are not obligated to have sex with anyone
Ugh, the sex thing. I stopped finding my former partner desirable because he was doing nothing to help me around our house...not even the bare minimum. The last time we had sex it was not great. After that, I just couldn’t anymore. Just started turning him down every night. Then, of course, his ego was bruised. He whined about feeling inadequate because I kept turning him down, and “he needs to feel desired, otherwise he feels insecure in our relationship.”
DUDE.
What about MY needs. I need a partner to connect with on an emotional level in order to want sex. How can I do that when I’m TIRED of doing everything and trying to get you to help me? I felt like his mother, always asking and reminding. The fact he couldn’t see that was a nail in the coffin. The final nail was when he complained to another woman that he wasn’t getting laid because I had chosen celibacy. 😑 I didn’t choose celibacy. I just chose not to fuck HIM anymore.
Hello, I am a new subscriber, how can I join the facebook support group? Thank you!
There are directions in the confirmation email you should have received. You can also search for liberating Motherhood on Facebook. Lmk if you need help!
Thank you for your fast response, I submitted a request to join, my facebook name is Marion Teller.
I actually only see this weird doula lady's page...I admit I am very bad at this...
Can you paste the link you are seeing/clicking?
I'm just searching for Liberating Motherhood on facebook's search bar
If you're a paid subscriber you should have gotten a confirmation email. The link is in there.
I thought I was. I get all the paid content. Must have missed the email.
Thank you for this piece. I’ve recently subscribed and joined the private group. And I hear a lot of women talk about quiet quitting.
But let me tell you, it’s no fun. Not one bit of it. I quiet quit before I followed you, before I knew what the term was. I only knew that, as the end drew nigh, that it was time to stop putting love and energy into a home, when no other adult who resided there gave two fucks about it.
But in the end, I was left with a home that I’d neglected, because I was so damn sick of being the only one who cared about it....and the neglect only served to fuel my depression once the split happened. It’s a strange thing, being vilified in letting it go, because no one else gives a fuck, but also being depressed because you loved it, you’re a homemaker at heart, and your home is your solace against the world....but you let it go to the point of embarrassment. None of those make sense together. It creates an environment that is unbearable, but the insufferableness of it unrecognizable until finally out.
Quiet quitting is no fun. But to make it at least somewhat bearable, have a plan to leave.
For many women, home is our solace and that is why we desire to make it comfortable and appealing to our eyes. We are stuck in for extensive hours of the day, we cannot just leave whenever we want especially when we have a partner who doesn’t respect us or value our time. Even in healthy and equitable relationships, most woman do not feel safe to just leave to do whatever we want, whenever we want. So if you find nice clean home is what makes YOU feel safe and not stressed out, don’t feel bad about it.
There was absolutely nothing about my house that was safe or comfortable. It didn’t matter if it was clean or not. I’m not quite sure I understand your comment. I think I’m missing something. And admittedly, I haven’t had coffee yet.
Absolutely in many abusive homes, their homes are not safe. But for some people, especially women, outside the home isn’t safe either. Some of us may live in communities with high crime. Some may have disabilities where the outside doesn’t make it safe for us to maneuver. Some of us are people of color or are from another marginalized group and don’t live in safe and accepting communities. In these cases, home maybe more safe than the outside world for us.
Ok, thanks for that. And you are absolutely correct. If my comment intimated that, I absolutely apologize.
Yes, domestic violence is such a nuanced thing. And those that ignore the intersectionality of poverty or community violence or race or disability and domestic violence are completely missing the mark. Per this article, Black women had the second highest increase in the homicide rate in 2019 and 2020. I can only imagine that it got worse with covid. https://amp.theguardian.com/world/2022/jun/25/homicide-violence-against-black-women-us
And this one, Black women are at higher risk of homicide than any other race of women. It’s shocking. https://ourtimepress.com/black-women-at-higher-risk-of-homicide-than-any-other-race-of-women/?amp=1
I worked in homeless services for years, and helped out the police department with their annual homeless survey last year. It was my first time helping with the survey. I was assigned to women in shelters. And when the survey was finished, and the person who’d created the survey asked for feedback, I tried to push about the fact that we really to create more equitable data collection. That those however many questions don’t tell the story of why these intersectionally marginalized women were homeless. It didn’t give an accurate representation of the Black woman who technically has an apartment in the city that she pays for, but because of a sexual assault that she reported to the police, she can’t go home. So she had to pack up her younger brothers and flee to a shelter 6 hours away. It doesn’t tell the story of the Intellectually Disabled woman who was evicted because she kept receiving code enforcement notices on her door, but she had few literacy skills and no one to help her access that information.
I know that I have immense privilege, despite my current circumstances (homeless after leaving an abusive marriage). And I also recognize that one of the reasons I stayed longer than I should have, is because I have a disabled kid. But it eventually got to the point that this option for us was safer than staying. That the costs for us, especially the kids, had gotten to the point and they were far outweighing the benefits.
Anyway, thanks for your comment. I appreciate you opening up this conversation.