I don’t know how or where to ask about this, but I have a lot of acquaintances that post photos on social media for “Father Daughter Dances”. I’m uneasy about this but also not sure how to articulate my discomfort.
I struggle with this one, too! There's nothing *inherently* harmful about it, I guess. But it is mega heteronormative, pushes girls into adult norms, and just feels icky to me.
To me it feels icky because it perpetuates the notion that girls are at best “daddy’s girl” 🤢 or at worst the actual property of their father. Until they are handed over to their husband (literally, if they are married in a traditional ceremony).
I am lifting my consciousness regarding how I manage my daughters relationship with her brother, and my relationship with him. This is also an opportunity for accidentally teaching our daughters to accept bad treatment from men. My son is mapping certain behaviours from his father and I need to ensure I don't allow that to infiltrate my home and impact my daughter, though I am not sure I am doing a good job of it. (Eg. he dominates the gaming console, despite it being both of theirs... Dad is screen addicted, though not into gaming, and uses it to 'withdraw'... son does the same on the console. Also mapping the male domination of the remote etc.)
So I am driving home after dinner after reading this hours earlier and as usual thinking it’s a great piece, but as expected it still places so much responsibility on the women and the up and coming women to know how to navigate boys and men and all their fuckery.
You are completely right. And I wish that things were different. But the reality is that men have shown a profound unwillingness to change. So all we can do is protect ourselves. And I think that mostly reduces to socializing girls to not be so obsessed with boys.
Teach girls that they are ALLOWED to end any relationship for any reason. Don't give them the "well you've gotta try to work it out" or "maybe you all have different Communication Styles" or "Love Languages" garbage. They didn't need a jury of their peers and an entire bullet point list with evidence showing why they should get IN a relationship, and they don't need those things to get OUT of it, either. There's no such thing as "not a good enough reason" to end a relationship. If one person does not want to be in that relationship anymore, then it is ended. Whether it's because of abuse or because you found out he wants to drink water straight outta the bathroom tap or because you don't like him wearing shoes in your house and he keeps refusing to take them off. Maybe you just woke up one day and couldn't stand the way he smells. Whatever. You're ALLOWED to just not be in that relationship anymore. Any time. For any reason. Without needing anyone else's approval.
"jury of their peers" made me laugh out loud. This is absolutely how most women I know feel about their relationships... That they must prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the man their with will never fulfill them, or they have to keep trying.
"And when leaving is not possible, they need clear instruction that the environment in which they are being raised is not ideal. If you’re stuck in a relationship you can’t leave, please find alternative relationship role models for your child."
Would you please be able to do a whole post on this? 🙏🏿
I second this! I know my kids have not gotten an ideal example of relationships and I get stuck on the idea that you should never ever criticize your child's other parent. But what if the other parent hasn't been a good partner, and you want them to understand that is not normal or ok or required?
I see a lot of the praising especially online, singing his praises on father's day with beautiful pictures of him and the kids but on mother's day just posting about how grateful she is to be a mother without a single picture to post of herself with her child. All the while he doesn't say or do a thing for her.
I back this article 100%! Thank you for equipping us to teach our girls to spot abuse and be self-sufficient human beings. There is one aspect, though, that I feel is limited, and would love clarification on whether I understood correctly or not: the "beauty myth garbage" point you made.
I come from a different experience and upbringing as a Black woman, where this beauty affirmation was essential to our blackness because we're conditioned to believe Black women are not beautiful, from the crown of our head to the physical features of our face and the physiology of our bodies. In our household, I teach my son (and any future child I may have--especially a girl) that black is beautiful. Black women are beautiful. I've grown heavily insecure and made fun of because my lips, nose, hair, and skin did not fit Eurocentric standards. I received backhanded compliments like, "Oh, you're 'pretty' . . . for a dark girl." I'm pretty/beautiful, period point blank. And there's empowerment in this teaching. And there's a subset group of this princess culture that the Black community has for their girls because we're indoctrinated with images of only white women being princesses and queens--it's the response that Black women are princesses and queens too.
This is so tough and complex! You have to think and research about not only misogyny but about race, just to live your life, which you would prefer to live without having to research how to unpack all the stuff about misogyny and about race.. This is the hidden tax - the only way to start to reverse the oppression is for you to do all this thinking and research on all the complex stuff about it and how to interact with it, while white men have to do no research on any of this unless they want to, and I as a white women only need to research misogyny and not race. I aim to support as many issues as I can simply by getting informed and repeating the basics to people, including on race, which I really don't know much about. I'm so sorry you and your daughters have to endure so much dismissal of your inherent beauty. I am new to this group, but thank you (and all others on this thread) for pointing out and engaging with so many difficult questions in this area. I look forward to learning more.
I don’t know how or where to ask about this, but I have a lot of acquaintances that post photos on social media for “Father Daughter Dances”. I’m uneasy about this but also not sure how to articulate my discomfort.
I struggle with this one, too! There's nothing *inherently* harmful about it, I guess. But it is mega heteronormative, pushes girls into adult norms, and just feels icky to me.
Yes, perhaps it could be called something different. It leaves me feeling icky too. I appreciate the perspective and validation.
To me it feels icky because it perpetuates the notion that girls are at best “daddy’s girl” 🤢 or at worst the actual property of their father. Until they are handed over to their husband (literally, if they are married in a traditional ceremony).
I am lifting my consciousness regarding how I manage my daughters relationship with her brother, and my relationship with him. This is also an opportunity for accidentally teaching our daughters to accept bad treatment from men. My son is mapping certain behaviours from his father and I need to ensure I don't allow that to infiltrate my home and impact my daughter, though I am not sure I am doing a good job of it. (Eg. he dominates the gaming console, despite it being both of theirs... Dad is screen addicted, though not into gaming, and uses it to 'withdraw'... son does the same on the console. Also mapping the male domination of the remote etc.)
Empathizing with this!
So I am driving home after dinner after reading this hours earlier and as usual thinking it’s a great piece, but as expected it still places so much responsibility on the women and the up and coming women to know how to navigate boys and men and all their fuckery.
You are completely right. And I wish that things were different. But the reality is that men have shown a profound unwillingness to change. So all we can do is protect ourselves. And I think that mostly reduces to socializing girls to not be so obsessed with boys.
Teach girls that they are ALLOWED to end any relationship for any reason. Don't give them the "well you've gotta try to work it out" or "maybe you all have different Communication Styles" or "Love Languages" garbage. They didn't need a jury of their peers and an entire bullet point list with evidence showing why they should get IN a relationship, and they don't need those things to get OUT of it, either. There's no such thing as "not a good enough reason" to end a relationship. If one person does not want to be in that relationship anymore, then it is ended. Whether it's because of abuse or because you found out he wants to drink water straight outta the bathroom tap or because you don't like him wearing shoes in your house and he keeps refusing to take them off. Maybe you just woke up one day and couldn't stand the way he smells. Whatever. You're ALLOWED to just not be in that relationship anymore. Any time. For any reason. Without needing anyone else's approval.
"jury of their peers" made me laugh out loud. This is absolutely how most women I know feel about their relationships... That they must prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the man their with will never fulfill them, or they have to keep trying.
"And when leaving is not possible, they need clear instruction that the environment in which they are being raised is not ideal. If you’re stuck in a relationship you can’t leave, please find alternative relationship role models for your child."
Would you please be able to do a whole post on this? 🙏🏿
I second this! I know my kids have not gotten an ideal example of relationships and I get stuck on the idea that you should never ever criticize your child's other parent. But what if the other parent hasn't been a good partner, and you want them to understand that is not normal or ok or required?
I see a lot of the praising especially online, singing his praises on father's day with beautiful pictures of him and the kids but on mother's day just posting about how grateful she is to be a mother without a single picture to post of herself with her child. All the while he doesn't say or do a thing for her.
I back this article 100%! Thank you for equipping us to teach our girls to spot abuse and be self-sufficient human beings. There is one aspect, though, that I feel is limited, and would love clarification on whether I understood correctly or not: the "beauty myth garbage" point you made.
I come from a different experience and upbringing as a Black woman, where this beauty affirmation was essential to our blackness because we're conditioned to believe Black women are not beautiful, from the crown of our head to the physical features of our face and the physiology of our bodies. In our household, I teach my son (and any future child I may have--especially a girl) that black is beautiful. Black women are beautiful. I've grown heavily insecure and made fun of because my lips, nose, hair, and skin did not fit Eurocentric standards. I received backhanded compliments like, "Oh, you're 'pretty' . . . for a dark girl." I'm pretty/beautiful, period point blank. And there's empowerment in this teaching. And there's a subset group of this princess culture that the Black community has for their girls because we're indoctrinated with images of only white women being princesses and queens--it's the response that Black women are princesses and queens too.
This is so tough and complex! You have to think and research about not only misogyny but about race, just to live your life, which you would prefer to live without having to research how to unpack all the stuff about misogyny and about race.. This is the hidden tax - the only way to start to reverse the oppression is for you to do all this thinking and research on all the complex stuff about it and how to interact with it, while white men have to do no research on any of this unless they want to, and I as a white women only need to research misogyny and not race. I aim to support as many issues as I can simply by getting informed and repeating the basics to people, including on race, which I really don't know much about. I'm so sorry you and your daughters have to endure so much dismissal of your inherent beauty. I am new to this group, but thank you (and all others on this thread) for pointing out and engaging with so many difficult questions in this area. I look forward to learning more.
Zawn talks about this a bit in her recent article on teaching girls body image!