Thank you for writing this and about grief. I have had intense grief these last few years and it’s opened my heart in major ways. What I do when a friend is feeling deep grief, is I go to their house and make them a nice cup of tea. And I just sit with them. If, at some point, there is an opening, I may do their dishes or clean their toilet. After my great-uncle’s memorial hoards of people descended on his home. My great-aunt had a lot of talking and listening to do. I just took it upon myself to keep running that dishwasher, emptying it, loading it, and running it again. I must have done that 7 times. But it was a practical thing I could do so that the closer family members could truly grieve the loss of their dad and spouse.
Thank you. People have thanked me much later - like months later. (One of my cousins did thank me for getting those dishes moving at that time.) It means something to people to not have to do the daily grind when they can’t even breathe because there’s a hole in their heart. 💔
My ex died 5 months after our divorce. The loss of friends was STAGGERING. No support. It has irrevocably damaged my view of human beings. From the horrors of my ex husband's behavior to the complete failure of all but three friends to be supportive, I have really lost faith in people. Not sure how to build that back up because I can't unsee reality. I'm at a point where I just feel like the only safe thing is to rely only on myself and never anyone else. Just gotta keep earning money so I can pay for my support (cleaning people, therapists, lawyers, organizer, babysitters). When you pay money, you can rely on people, but my life experience says you can't if there isn't a clear quid pro quo.
The worst thing someone said to me after my dad died was along the lines of how I must be relieved he wasn't suffering anymore. Don't ever presume that someone is relieved that someone they love is dead. If they talk about it that way, you can validate their feelings. But don't go there first!! My dad was young and had kids still at home--nobody was ready, including him.
The second worse thing was two friends who simply never responded to my email about my dad's death. I gave it a month and reached out, asking what was up, because it was painful to have that go unresponded to. Both of them replied, apologizing, and explaining that they had dad issues that made it hard to navigate. The relationships recovered. I have reached out to two estranged friends to offer condolences/had them do the same, because that's how big of a deal it is to lose someone close. Literally had a former friend who ghosted me attend my dad's funeral and say, "I'm so, so sorry," as she hugged me while we walked the casket to the hearse. It meant a lot to me, despite the relationship being done.
Also, after my son was stillborn, the same friend who'd made the comment about being relieved about my dad told me that I'd be sad for a few weeks. He meant this in a "It's totally fine that it will take you a while to feel ok again. You will probably be sad for multiple weeks even." It was kind of eye-opening, realizing how deep his own trauma runs that he measures sad feelings after losing a child in weeks. I couldn't even be mad because it was so clearly the result of his own brokenness of a profoundly neglectful childhood. Anyway, I think it's best not to suggest to anyone the likely or proper timeline for how long they will grieve.
I deal with many acutely grieving people in my job. I always ask people: "What was your favorite thing about them?" It gently nudges them towards happy memories without toxic positivity. It usually encourages healthy catharsis and builds rapport.
I am not a fan of the implicit ranking people often make for grief. The adage I've read many times that "There is no word for a parent who has lost a child because it's just that bad" really rubs me the wrong way. Because when the love of my life died, there was nothing. Zero cultural scripts. No one knows what to say when a 21-year-old dies and their partner is left to face 60+ years without them. There are support groups for grieving parents, but there were none for me. There are still none, as far as I know. Yet I am simply told: "You'll find someone else." Nobody would dare say to a parent: "You can just have another."
We lost my Dad two weeks ago, and I’ve heard every one of those platitudes already. I knew they were coming, it was the same when my brother passed a few years ago. “He lived a good life” is another. Yeah he did, but it’s no easier to lose a loved one no matter what age they are.
Thanks for articulating the feeling when people say “I’m here if you need anything” or “what can I do”. My twin sister and I have been doing everything we can for Mum, the older 3 sisters have been very flaky and wrapped up in their own grief. My Mum passed out and ended up in hospital a week after Dad died, so my twin and I were juggling funeral arrangements, care of Mum and my toddler, household upkeep, working remotely, and contacting the 50+ places that needed to know about Dads passing. I felt like I was losing my mind, not even being able to stop and just grieve.
My best friend is one of those unicorns who just knows exactly what to say and do. She brought over dinner and snacks, and just sat with us. A few days later she took us to the movies (asked first) for a break.
Overall people have been very kind and well meaning, but when it comes to practical support it’s very much lacking.
Thank you for writing this and about grief. I have had intense grief these last few years and it’s opened my heart in major ways. What I do when a friend is feeling deep grief, is I go to their house and make them a nice cup of tea. And I just sit with them. If, at some point, there is an opening, I may do their dishes or clean their toilet. After my great-uncle’s memorial hoards of people descended on his home. My great-aunt had a lot of talking and listening to do. I just took it upon myself to keep running that dishwasher, emptying it, loading it, and running it again. I must have done that 7 times. But it was a practical thing I could do so that the closer family members could truly grieve the loss of their dad and spouse.
That's a great example of something thoughtful and unobtrusive that one can do in a situation like that.
Thank you. People have thanked me much later - like months later. (One of my cousins did thank me for getting those dishes moving at that time.) It means something to people to not have to do the daily grind when they can’t even breathe because there’s a hole in their heart. 💔
My ex died 5 months after our divorce. The loss of friends was STAGGERING. No support. It has irrevocably damaged my view of human beings. From the horrors of my ex husband's behavior to the complete failure of all but three friends to be supportive, I have really lost faith in people. Not sure how to build that back up because I can't unsee reality. I'm at a point where I just feel like the only safe thing is to rely only on myself and never anyone else. Just gotta keep earning money so I can pay for my support (cleaning people, therapists, lawyers, organizer, babysitters). When you pay money, you can rely on people, but my life experience says you can't if there isn't a clear quid pro quo.
The worst thing someone said to me after my dad died was along the lines of how I must be relieved he wasn't suffering anymore. Don't ever presume that someone is relieved that someone they love is dead. If they talk about it that way, you can validate their feelings. But don't go there first!! My dad was young and had kids still at home--nobody was ready, including him.
The second worse thing was two friends who simply never responded to my email about my dad's death. I gave it a month and reached out, asking what was up, because it was painful to have that go unresponded to. Both of them replied, apologizing, and explaining that they had dad issues that made it hard to navigate. The relationships recovered. I have reached out to two estranged friends to offer condolences/had them do the same, because that's how big of a deal it is to lose someone close. Literally had a former friend who ghosted me attend my dad's funeral and say, "I'm so, so sorry," as she hugged me while we walked the casket to the hearse. It meant a lot to me, despite the relationship being done.
Also, after my son was stillborn, the same friend who'd made the comment about being relieved about my dad told me that I'd be sad for a few weeks. He meant this in a "It's totally fine that it will take you a while to feel ok again. You will probably be sad for multiple weeks even." It was kind of eye-opening, realizing how deep his own trauma runs that he measures sad feelings after losing a child in weeks. I couldn't even be mad because it was so clearly the result of his own brokenness of a profoundly neglectful childhood. Anyway, I think it's best not to suggest to anyone the likely or proper timeline for how long they will grieve.
I deal with many acutely grieving people in my job. I always ask people: "What was your favorite thing about them?" It gently nudges them towards happy memories without toxic positivity. It usually encourages healthy catharsis and builds rapport.
I am not a fan of the implicit ranking people often make for grief. The adage I've read many times that "There is no word for a parent who has lost a child because it's just that bad" really rubs me the wrong way. Because when the love of my life died, there was nothing. Zero cultural scripts. No one knows what to say when a 21-year-old dies and their partner is left to face 60+ years without them. There are support groups for grieving parents, but there were none for me. There are still none, as far as I know. Yet I am simply told: "You'll find someone else." Nobody would dare say to a parent: "You can just have another."
We lost my Dad two weeks ago, and I’ve heard every one of those platitudes already. I knew they were coming, it was the same when my brother passed a few years ago. “He lived a good life” is another. Yeah he did, but it’s no easier to lose a loved one no matter what age they are.
Thanks for articulating the feeling when people say “I’m here if you need anything” or “what can I do”. My twin sister and I have been doing everything we can for Mum, the older 3 sisters have been very flaky and wrapped up in their own grief. My Mum passed out and ended up in hospital a week after Dad died, so my twin and I were juggling funeral arrangements, care of Mum and my toddler, household upkeep, working remotely, and contacting the 50+ places that needed to know about Dads passing. I felt like I was losing my mind, not even being able to stop and just grieve.
My best friend is one of those unicorns who just knows exactly what to say and do. She brought over dinner and snacks, and just sat with us. A few days later she took us to the movies (asked first) for a break.
Overall people have been very kind and well meaning, but when it comes to practical support it’s very much lacking.