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What dad privilege looks like during the holidays
A male privilege checklist just for the holiday season!
This is an edited and updated version of an older piece. Even if you’ve seen it before, I hope you’ll find something new to enjoy/rage about.
The season of mothers doing everything, being told it’s unnecessary busy work, being guilted about not focusing on “what really matters” enough, and simultaneously worrying that the holidays are not special enough all while their partners nap holidays are here.
Once again, patriarchy is here to present women with spectacularly abusive messaging:
You don’t really need to do all that labor! Your presence is present enough. Your kids won’t care if the house is clean! (But CPS will care, because someone has to clean, lest roaches arrive; kids actually do want presents, and the emotional labor mothers do around the holidays is valuable and helps maintain and build community and family connections). But also, you’re not doing enough. Are you making the holidays really special? Where are your pretty photos? Make sure to do everything without spending too much money or inconveniencing anyone or ever, ever suggesting that it is all anything but pure fucking joy.
Oh frabjous day. Another season of pure maternal bliss. Many mothers resolve every year to truly enjoy this holiday season, to not let the stress control them, to enjoy every minute. But then the holiday double bind kicks of a cycle of blame and shame that’s anathema to joy.
The holiday double bind works like this: everyone tells you your work is worthless, and actually, isn’t even work—at least, it wouldn’t feel like work if you were a better mother. Everyone also expects you to do the work without complaining, because they can’t stand to acknowledge that your work exists, and matters. So you’re told to celebrate and enjoy every moment and stop worrying about gifts and decorations, while also being expected not to enjoy a single moment because gifts and decorations are mandatory; you just have to pretend they’re not.
It’s exhausting to type, let alone live. No wonder so many mothers end up feeling ashamed, alone, and judged in the leadup to the holidays.
But the stress mothers feel during the holidays is not an individual problem. It is a societal failing that stems from the tendency to foist all unpleasant labor onto women, and to then pretend either that that labor doesn’t exist or doesn’t matter.
Men are the beneficiaries of this labor. And as a result, they enjoy a myriad of privileges during the holidays, most of which they ever notice.
If you’re a father, here are a few of the privileges that are likely yours for the taking:
I can show up to every holiday celebration in a bad mood, and someone else will do all the emotional labor of maintaining connections for me.
I don’t feel pressure to be beautiful around the holidays.
I have never worried that having children has negatively affected how I look in my holiday attire.
My kids will get presents even if I don’t buy, select, or wrap them.
I can dismiss much of the work my partner does as unnecessary. This is because she consistently does it, so I have never had to confront the consequences of not doing it.
If the holidays aren’t sufficiently magical, no one will blame me.
I won’t buy anything for my extended family, and will expect my partner to do it. If she doesn’t, I’ll get angry with her for refusing to do something I also refused to do.
I will complain about the stress of the holidays while I sit and relax and my partner frantically wraps presents.
No one will consider it abusive that my partner works on the holiday project all day, that I get to relax for much of the time she does this, and that at the end of the day, I will expect her to want to have [likely low quality] sex with me.
Even if my partner has just had a baby, surgery, or a major trauma in her life, I will still expect her to do the majority of the work of the holidays.
I have never thought about teacher gifts.
I do not have a holiday to-do list.
I will not cook any of the holiday meals.
My workload does not significantly increase around the holidays.
If we go on a vacation, I will show up for it, but will not plan it, pack for it, or get the children ready.
My partner will ensure we have pictures of our family at the holidays.
I do not buy holiday clothing for my children.
No one will blame me if the holidays are not sufficiently magical.
We always attend various holiday events, but I don’t have to plan any of them.
I do not arrange childcare when my children are out of school during the holidays.
I do not put away or organize my children’s holiday gifts.
I can pretend that I don’t notice or care about the holiday labor my partner does.
Very few people will consider it a problem that I do not participate equitably in the holidays.
I can tell myself my partner does all the holiday work because she enjoys it, rather than admitting that she does it because I don’t.
If my kids misbehave at the holidays, no one will blame me.
No matter what I do with my kids or where I go, people will praise me for being a good dad. My partner’s mothering will never be enough.
I will not thank my partner for the work she does, but I will expect her to thank me.
My partner will have to ask me multiple times to do the few holiday tasks she has outsourced to me.
I will get angry at my partner when she asks me to take on more of the holiday load.
Even if I get divorced, my partner will continue to take on a disproportionate share of the holiday load—perhaps even more than before—allowing me to be the fun parent.
“But what about women?” I can hear many guys whining. Don’t they realize that we have to (gasp!) put batteries in things and mow the grass? Those short, fleeting tasks are definitely comparable to the endless labor women do all day, every day!
Shut the fuck up, bro.
If you’re a woman, here’s the only privilege you are likely to enjoy at the holiday season:
I have the privilege of not assembling the holiday toys. But I will have to remind my partner to do it, buy the toys, and clean up the mess he makes. I’ll also have to pretend that our workload is equal, listen to his endless complaints about assembling the toys, and probably have to suffer through a holiday bad mood.
Every time I publish a list of male privileges, men email me to cite the one or two things that don’t apply to them, completely ignorant of the massive weight of the many privileges they do enjoy. The nature of privilege is that you can often give some privileges up; it’s just that if you don’t, no one will judge you. And if you do anything at all that a woman is normally expected to do, you will be lavished with praise.
So rather than getting angry at women for calling out male privilege, maybe spend some time thinking about how enraging it is to watch men enjoy this privilege, then pretend they don’t. They fact that something is a widespread, documented social phenomenon is not a personal attack. It does not mean you’re a bad person. If you deny it’s existence, though? That does make you a bad person.
Readers: What else can you think of to add to this list?
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If you look at photos of my kids when they were little, you would think they had no mom at all. If I saw my ex doing something cute with the kids--opening the presents, cutting the cake, playing in the snow---I would immediately grab my camera. This was before smartphones. I would print the pictures out and put them in albums and make extra copies for his parents. My ex never did the same for me. I feel so sad when I look at their old albums, I really have only a handful of pictures with my babies.
Dad privilege: Being featured in candid shots with the kids
💯 💯 💯... I just unsubscribed from a Substack because the writer, a dad, said he was going to offer to help his wife decorate for Christmas this year. Wow. Make sure you announce your massive gesture of largesse to the world, you blind privileged asshat. 🤮