What is your advice for a child who refuses to go to school? Feminist Advice Friday
A reader's child is terrified of school. It's disrupting everything, and she can't quit working.
A reader asks…
My kindergartner is incredibly anxious and socially awkward, and has recently started refusing to go to school. Screaming, crying, panic attacks. It’s awful. The advice I read online is just ridiculous. Stupid scripts that don’t work, reminders to “set boundaries,” as if I don’t know that, the implication that this is somehow my fault.
I remember reading somewhere that you had dealt with this with your child, and I think we share parenting values. I’m desperate. I have to work. I cannot homeschool this child, but I also don’t want to traumatize her. What can I do?
My answer
Oh, I’m so sorry. This is an incredibly brutal experience. People who haven’t been through it truly do not understand how it comes to dominate your entire life. I write in more detail about that here.
One of the problems is that parenting experts seem to think school refusal—a phobic reaction to school from a child who is utterly terrified—is the same thing as just not wanting to go to school sometimes. It’s not.
Here’s a sample script I see used online all the time:
“Something about going to school is feeling tricky today! I believe you. It’s hard to go to school sometimes. But I know you’re going to have a good day. Do you want to wear your blue shoes or your red shoes?”
The experts, of course, leave out the part where you have to carry your child to the car as they violently fight you, the sobbing on the way to school, the all-night panic attacks about going to school the next day, and the fact that your child is not going to have a great day because they’re going to cry the whole time they’re at school.
But even for kids with less severe school refusal, these scripts are really harmful, and I advise parents to ditch them. Let’s take a closer look at that ridiculous script:
“Something about going to school is feeling tricky today!”
“Tricky” is not a word most kids would use to characterize immense anxiety and sadness about going to school. This is dismissive and demeaning. And critically, the parent does not ask what the something is. Baked into this script is the belief that, no matter what the child’s reason is for refusing to go to school, it’s trivial and not a valid reason to miss school.
“I believe you.”
The implication here is that someone might not believe the child. Why would we insert this doubt?
“It’s hard to go to school sometimes.”
Here again, the parent is discounting the child’s emotions. Why is it hard? Why is there no curiosity about what is happening to the child? If the child has a serious issue at school, this language implies that it’s normal for the child to be miserable at school, and that they just have to suffer through it.
“But I know you’re going to have a good day.”
This is straight-up gaslighting. No one can guarantee a good day. And for kids with serious anxiety or school refusal, it’s almost guaranteed that the child is NOT going to have a good day. Promising that the child will have a good day erodes trust.
“Do you want to wear your blue shoes or your red shoes?”
It’s great to give a kid choices, but to a child in serious distress, these sorts of choices are meaningless.
What’s most problematic in this script, though, is something that’s not even explicitly there. It’s the assumption that the treatment for school refusal is to go to school.
Kids need to go to school for so many reasons. Their parents have to work. They need structure and socialization. They need to learn. They need to prepare for the future.
But your child does not need to go to school today, or at this very second.
In the moment, it’s easy to catastrophize. School becomes the solution to all of these needs, and not going to school, even for a day, begins to feel like a sign that you and your child’s lives are both doomed forever.
When your kindergartner is screaming and refusing to go to school, you’re picturing all the work you can’t get done. Worried you’ll have to quit your job. Angry that people will tell you to homeschool and that there’s no other choice. You’re frustrated that she can’t just do it, worried about her future, worried she can’t make friends, worried she’ll never be able to separate, on and on…
It’s awful. And it makes it really hard to deal with what’s happening in the moment.
So let me just reassure you: What is happening today is not necessarily what will be happening next month or next year. School refusal now means nothing about your child in the future, or you as a parent. Remind yourself of this as often as you need to, because this is tough and you’re going to need to face it with a clear head.
Here’s the most important thing to know about school refusal:
You can only treat school refusal by addressing the reason for the school refusal. Until you do that, forcing your child to go to school will make things worse. And even the right accommodations—a shorter day, attending with your child, supports at school—will only manage the problem. They won’t treat it.
There are no shortcuts here. This is truly one of the most difficult parenting challenges our kids can present us with because it affects an entire family’s life. But you’re going to have to get comfortable with the fact that this is not going to be solved overnight.
It absolutely begins with a good therapist. Ideally someone who specializes in school refusal, and who takes children’s feelings seriously. Don’t see someone who thinks kids are manipulative, that their emotions aren’t important, or that punishments are ever appropriate here. You may need to experiment. But once you find a great therapist, they can be life-changing. Your therapist can help you uncover the unique challenges your child is facing, then develop a plan to manage them. It is very unlikely you will fix this without therapy.
Every child is different, but there are some hard and fast rules for dealing with school refusal. Here are the most important insights I’ve gained over the last year or so:
Can’t, not won’t. Your child knows she’s supposed to go to school. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but kids generally really are doing the best they can. When you’re talking about panic attacks and screaming meltdowns, you’re not dealing with manipulation. You’re dealing with a child who truly can’t do this. They’re not refusing school. They lack the skills to manage school (for now). This is a disability (hopefully a temporary one), not a choice.
Trust is key. Your child needs to be able to trust what you say about school (and about everything). Do not lie to them, no matter how convenient doing so may be. For example, don’t stop a panic attack by telling them they don’t have to go to school tomorrow, and then making them go anyway. Once you tell them something is going to be the case, it has to be the case. For many children, the belief that they cannot trust their parents—to tell them the truth about school, to “rescue” them when necessary, to advocate for them—is at the core of school refusal.
Shame is an issue. Kids who have anxiety also tend to have anxiety about anxiety. They see that they can’t do something other kids can. They feel ashamed. And this shame then intensifies the anxiety. It is an extremely vicious cycle. Do all you can to mitigate shame. Don’t needlessly bring up the anxiety. Don’t allow anyone to shame, punish, or pressure your child. Celebrate successes. Ignore failures.
Understand the anxiety cycle. When our bodies are in a state of panic, and then we don’t do the thing we are panicking about, our brains learn the lesson that the feared thing is dangerous, and that panic helps us avoid it. So panic tends to get worse over time. For this reason, it is so very important to prevent your child from panicking. And if your child gets to the point of panic and then you avoid the source of the panic, you’re actually making the problem worse. This doesn’t mean you make a terrified child go to school necessarily; it does mean you don’t draw a hard line of “You have to go to school today” and then back down. And if you have to, a small exposure—walking into the classroom, going to the parking lot, whatever your child can handle—is better than no exposure at all, in most cases.
The solution begins not with your child, but with getting the school on board. Because no matter how much work you to with your child, if someone at school shames/punishes/mistreats your child, you’ll lose most of the progress.
You may have to pick a big fight. You may need a lawyer. This may be a lot of work. But the sooner you get it under control, the better. So talk with your child’s therapist, get some legal advice about your rights—in most cases your child is going to qualify for disability accommodations—and then work with the team at school to develop a plan.
For most kids, treating school refusal begins with reducing pressure. Right now, your child is in a state of chronic fight or flight. She cannot think. That’s why she can’t make progress, and why this is so disruptive to your entire family. She is in constant fear, and you have to reduce the fear.
This means reducing the pressure. No more threats and rewards. Stop talking about it for a week. If you need to pull her out of school for a week, then I’m sorry. You have to. Call grandma/a baby-sitter/a friend and get some quality childcare. This is your reset to develop your plan and give her a break.
As you move through this process, low demand is going to be key. I didn’t believe this at first. I thought I needed to incentivize my daughter and push her. Over time, though, I learned that this is not linear and that incentives do not work. Your child will move as quickly as they can, as long as you do not rush them. If they feel rushed, they will regress, because pressure equals loss of control, which triggers anxiety.
Continue working on the underlying issue, not the behavior. And eventually, the behavior will fall into place (as long as school is a truly safe place).
This is hard. There are no surefire recipes. The people who tell you specific plans or simple scripts will resolve this don’t know what they’re talking about.
Kindergarten is not vital. If her kindergarten year is inconsistent and fucked up, so be it. This is about playing the long game, establishing trust, and getting her back on track. She will catch up academically. Prioritize the emotions, and the underlying reasons for this.
You can do this. Trust yourself to know and advocate for your child.
Also, read Dr. Naomi Fisher, who has revolutionized my thinking and helped my family thrive in the face of school refusal.
I know that this is somewhat tangential, but where has this insistence that small children are manipulative come from? And has it gotten worse, or is it just me feeling that way? I recently spoke with a parent who was claiming that their 6-month-old was manipulative for vomiting and have been completely bewildered by the thought process ever since.
Probably the best article on this hands down that I have ever read. Thank you.