TRUTH right here. Every pregnant woman needs to give this to her partner. Every person who knows a man who is about to become a father---yes even if it is not for the first time---needs to print this out and give it to him.
This could save a lot of marriages! Thanks, Zawn, as always.
My third child, I finally got the home birth I had always wanted. The first had failed to progress and the second was meconium so this was my last shot. I'd never dealt with PPD before so I thought I'd be okay.
I remember sitting cold and alone in the bath at home, holding my son, listening to the echoes of him socializing with the midwives in the kitchen. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to be with him. I wanted us to be together with this baby. I wanted someone to hold our son and let me rest. I wanted someone to help me out of that damn tub.
I was back at work within 2 weeks, providing for the whole family, and doing all of the housework. He didn't work, or cook, or clean, or care.
At my worst, I literally collapsed sobbing and begged him to get a job so I could just try to get better. I even did his resume and got him an interview. He ghosted it, never worked fulltime again.
I know it's not hormones. I *know* what causes it.
My ex made me tell my sister she couldn’t stay after our first baby was born because he “wanted it to be just us”, then chose to go straight back to work as soon as I got home from the hospital, leaving me alone with the baby after an emergency caesarean.
Oh, but he paid a local babysitter to check on me, so of course I must have been fine. 🙄
You simply never forget these failures in the postpartum period.
The last section about not being an asshole really had me in tears since my STBXH did nearly every one of them. And your line about how a woman’s treated now will influence how she sees herself for the rest of her life - powerful. I had no idea how true that was until I read it.
I want to post a screenshot from NYT this morning saying women in states that restrict abortion access have higher rates of anxiety and depression than women in other states
I went through two pregnancies with my ex. The first I had placenta previa and was put on bedrest. Ended up attempting a vaginal delivery (mis led by an abusive medical system) and nearly died and went to emergency surgery while my baby also nearly died and remained in NICU for a week. My second pregnancy I had HG (never have I ever endured something as challenging as HG) and a shceduled c section. The creep in abuse from the first pregnancy to the second is insane, I wish I knew more, I wish I didn't brush off signs of his entitlement and selfishness and cruelty from actions in my first pregnancy, but because he didn't tick all the boxes of a shithead it meant I didn't look too closely at the ones he did tick. I will regret that forever. I will never recover from the trauma of those experiences with the additional layer of an emotionally absuive spouse who was supposed to be my support. I hope your work reaches more people and changes their lives before they have to be left picking up the pieces of their mental health while also being the single parent to two wonderful, but very little and challenging children in a world where our 'villages' have been eradicated. Even in saying that, I am more supported by women I have made deep connections with around me now, than I ever was before in marriage.
I have ALWAYS been better supported by my women friends than by any man in my life (except my dad who was way ahead of his time: insisted on and paid for the best education for me, insisted I take opportunities to travel abroad,, and paid for them, etc. cautioned me against "tying [your]self down in marriage before you've even had a chance to fly on your own" [his words]). Dad would say, "you're a smart young lady, why are you dating that dumb guy?" or "He doesn't respect you; he underestimates you; you should break up" and once said to a guy I was dating who was over for dinner at our home, "don't talk to her like she's stupid: she's a lot smarter than you are" and then, when the guy tried to laugh it off, "Well, are you going to apologize to her, or is this dinner over?"). But other than my amazing Dad, who believed in me and my potential as a human being, it has ALWAYS been other women who have supported, respected, helped, listened, understood. Not men.
Men out there, you have many good qualities. I for one generally like men as I generally like all human beings. But after a lifetime of observing you, you just plain need to do better in your relationships and in your home life. Why not step up the game on this side of things? You're not dumb, most of you. I know you can do it. Please do.
My ex insisted on co-sleeping. I stayed awake afraid of him crushing baby because he was so sleep deprived from work (medical residency). However, I later realized (and he admitted to it) it was because HE got more sleep with our baby sleeping next to me despite me getting less sleep. Mind you the time that I was weaning and he had to deal with bedtime in order to wean, he was angry, resentful and threatened divorce. I learned quickly that I couldn’t ask him to do anything he wasn’t doing on his own.
Mind you our baby ended up with a ton of cavities because he bottled fed milk before bed and didn’t clean his teeth and continued to bottled feed through the night. He’s a physician. He knew the guidance but didn’t care.
He also continued to buy fruit snacks for our toddler despite my protest.
Then with 2nd kid, he got me discharged a day early. Later on telling me he was going to be working that day. He also didn’t sleep at the hospital because he didn’t sleep well there. Needless to say, my mom was already to set up with staying with our older son. I cried and cried that first day. Daycare was also calling ME and not my husband when our older son was hitting and popping at pre-k. He was almost 5 years old. They didn’t call him. The pre-k was on site where he worked. They didn’t want to bother him even though they knew I was in the hospital delivering a baby.
Our entire society is set up not support women. They didn’t call my mom. They didn’t call him. They called me, who was in the hospital and just had surgery to deliver our baby.
How I didn’t end up with PPD is beyond my comprehension. I was saved by a great online /community group of other new moms who weren’t supported by society or our partners or families.
Our first child (who turns out to have adhd) never, ever slept as an infant and also couldn’t feed efficiently. And I was trying to breastfeed. So I also never, ever slept.
My husband went back to work a month after baby was born. My mom was visiting for a few days and watching baby (we had no help, local or otherwise). I was in our bedroom and had finally fallen asleep after a month of basically no rest. My first nap as a new mom.
A few minutes later…
THE MAN WALKED INTO OUR DARKENED BEDROOM WEARING HIS HARD SOLED DRESS SHOES KNOWING FULL WELL I WAS NAPPING IN THERE. And had the audacity to be upset with *me* when I got pissed at him for waking me up.
Also, he would “get up with the baby” at night, which meant getting out of bed and going to the bathroom for 30 minutes while baby cried.
Each time I actually thought he was going to attend to the baby, but as the cries turned to screams, I realized that he wasn’t. So I’d get up and nurse and he’d eventually come out of the bathroom and say he’d been about to help, sorry we “couldn’t wait” for him…
Thank you again Zawn. With your permission I will print this article and place it in my waiting room. I am a reproductive psychiatrist and I see plenty of pregnant and postpartum patients who need to read this. I wish your writing was available in a book or magazine with wider circulation because you are telling it like it is! There are plenty of books/articles out there that just perpetuate myths and idealizations of pregnancy and postpartum. Useless. Women need books that validate their experiences and give them practical solutions. Men will not change unless we demand it. Maybe even a book/article for expectant dads?!? As always, I love your work. Right on.
TRUTH right here. Every pregnant woman needs to give this to her partner. Every person who knows a man who is about to become a father---yes even if it is not for the first time---needs to print this out and give it to him.
This could save a lot of marriages! Thanks, Zawn, as always.
My third child, I finally got the home birth I had always wanted. The first had failed to progress and the second was meconium so this was my last shot. I'd never dealt with PPD before so I thought I'd be okay.
I remember sitting cold and alone in the bath at home, holding my son, listening to the echoes of him socializing with the midwives in the kitchen. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to be with him. I wanted us to be together with this baby. I wanted someone to hold our son and let me rest. I wanted someone to help me out of that damn tub.
I was back at work within 2 weeks, providing for the whole family, and doing all of the housework. He didn't work, or cook, or clean, or care.
At my worst, I literally collapsed sobbing and begged him to get a job so I could just try to get better. I even did his resume and got him an interview. He ghosted it, never worked fulltime again.
I know it's not hormones. I *know* what causes it.
I almost lost my life to PPD.
My ex made me tell my sister she couldn’t stay after our first baby was born because he “wanted it to be just us”, then chose to go straight back to work as soon as I got home from the hospital, leaving me alone with the baby after an emergency caesarean.
Oh, but he paid a local babysitter to check on me, so of course I must have been fine. 🙄
You simply never forget these failures in the postpartum period.
The last section about not being an asshole really had me in tears since my STBXH did nearly every one of them. And your line about how a woman’s treated now will influence how she sees herself for the rest of her life - powerful. I had no idea how true that was until I read it.
AND how she sees him. (Or why she divorces him ten years down the road!)
I want to post a screenshot from NYT this morning saying women in states that restrict abortion access have higher rates of anxiety and depression than women in other states
I went through two pregnancies with my ex. The first I had placenta previa and was put on bedrest. Ended up attempting a vaginal delivery (mis led by an abusive medical system) and nearly died and went to emergency surgery while my baby also nearly died and remained in NICU for a week. My second pregnancy I had HG (never have I ever endured something as challenging as HG) and a shceduled c section. The creep in abuse from the first pregnancy to the second is insane, I wish I knew more, I wish I didn't brush off signs of his entitlement and selfishness and cruelty from actions in my first pregnancy, but because he didn't tick all the boxes of a shithead it meant I didn't look too closely at the ones he did tick. I will regret that forever. I will never recover from the trauma of those experiences with the additional layer of an emotionally absuive spouse who was supposed to be my support. I hope your work reaches more people and changes their lives before they have to be left picking up the pieces of their mental health while also being the single parent to two wonderful, but very little and challenging children in a world where our 'villages' have been eradicated. Even in saying that, I am more supported by women I have made deep connections with around me now, than I ever was before in marriage.
I have ALWAYS been better supported by my women friends than by any man in my life (except my dad who was way ahead of his time: insisted on and paid for the best education for me, insisted I take opportunities to travel abroad,, and paid for them, etc. cautioned me against "tying [your]self down in marriage before you've even had a chance to fly on your own" [his words]). Dad would say, "you're a smart young lady, why are you dating that dumb guy?" or "He doesn't respect you; he underestimates you; you should break up" and once said to a guy I was dating who was over for dinner at our home, "don't talk to her like she's stupid: she's a lot smarter than you are" and then, when the guy tried to laugh it off, "Well, are you going to apologize to her, or is this dinner over?"). But other than my amazing Dad, who believed in me and my potential as a human being, it has ALWAYS been other women who have supported, respected, helped, listened, understood. Not men.
Men out there, you have many good qualities. I for one generally like men as I generally like all human beings. But after a lifetime of observing you, you just plain need to do better in your relationships and in your home life. Why not step up the game on this side of things? You're not dumb, most of you. I know you can do it. Please do.
What I would give to have had an experience like this. I’m done having kids and have had to grieve the experience I always wanted but never got
Amen!
My ex insisted on co-sleeping. I stayed awake afraid of him crushing baby because he was so sleep deprived from work (medical residency). However, I later realized (and he admitted to it) it was because HE got more sleep with our baby sleeping next to me despite me getting less sleep. Mind you the time that I was weaning and he had to deal with bedtime in order to wean, he was angry, resentful and threatened divorce. I learned quickly that I couldn’t ask him to do anything he wasn’t doing on his own.
Mind you our baby ended up with a ton of cavities because he bottled fed milk before bed and didn’t clean his teeth and continued to bottled feed through the night. He’s a physician. He knew the guidance but didn’t care.
He also continued to buy fruit snacks for our toddler despite my protest.
Then with 2nd kid, he got me discharged a day early. Later on telling me he was going to be working that day. He also didn’t sleep at the hospital because he didn’t sleep well there. Needless to say, my mom was already to set up with staying with our older son. I cried and cried that first day. Daycare was also calling ME and not my husband when our older son was hitting and popping at pre-k. He was almost 5 years old. They didn’t call him. The pre-k was on site where he worked. They didn’t want to bother him even though they knew I was in the hospital delivering a baby.
Our entire society is set up not support women. They didn’t call my mom. They didn’t call him. They called me, who was in the hospital and just had surgery to deliver our baby.
How I didn’t end up with PPD is beyond my comprehension. I was saved by a great online /community group of other new moms who weren’t supported by society or our partners or families.
Our first child (who turns out to have adhd) never, ever slept as an infant and also couldn’t feed efficiently. And I was trying to breastfeed. So I also never, ever slept.
My husband went back to work a month after baby was born. My mom was visiting for a few days and watching baby (we had no help, local or otherwise). I was in our bedroom and had finally fallen asleep after a month of basically no rest. My first nap as a new mom.
A few minutes later…
THE MAN WALKED INTO OUR DARKENED BEDROOM WEARING HIS HARD SOLED DRESS SHOES KNOWING FULL WELL I WAS NAPPING IN THERE. And had the audacity to be upset with *me* when I got pissed at him for waking me up.
I’m still angry.
Also, he would “get up with the baby” at night, which meant getting out of bed and going to the bathroom for 30 minutes while baby cried.
Each time I actually thought he was going to attend to the baby, but as the cries turned to screams, I realized that he wasn’t. So I’d get up and nurse and he’d eventually come out of the bathroom and say he’d been about to help, sorry we “couldn’t wait” for him…
Thank you again Zawn. With your permission I will print this article and place it in my waiting room. I am a reproductive psychiatrist and I see plenty of pregnant and postpartum patients who need to read this. I wish your writing was available in a book or magazine with wider circulation because you are telling it like it is! There are plenty of books/articles out there that just perpetuate myths and idealizations of pregnancy and postpartum. Useless. Women need books that validate their experiences and give them practical solutions. Men will not change unless we demand it. Maybe even a book/article for expectant dads?!? As always, I love your work. Right on.