What men need to know before emailing me

The emails are almost all identical. And they all think they're special. Here's what you need to know if you're a man thinking of contacting me.

Your husbands email me all the time.

They’re exhausting. And the emails are almost all the same. They start out attempting to ingratiate themselves to me, and then pretty quickly escalate to abuse, apparently replicating the cycle they’ve created in their romantic relationships.

If you’re a dude thinking about emailing me to discuss the problems in your relationship or debate feminism, here’s what you need to know first.

I’m not on your side

Most men who contact me seem to do so hoping that I’ll take their side, and that they’ll be able to weaponize this against their wife. “See?” They imagine themselves saying. “Even the feminist writer thinks you’re nuts!”

Yet inevitably, each of them spells out a scenario I’ve already written about.

He’s mistreated her for years and now she won’t fuck him, and this somehow means he’s the victim.

Household labor is still unequal, but he’s already mad that she won’t forgive him in spite of him doing nothing to deserve forgiveness.

He’s emotionally abused her, and is mad that she’s upset about this.

Patriarchy teaches men that they are special, and cultivates a sense of entitlement. These men earnestly believe they are exceptions to the rule because all men are taught to feel this way.

I am a feminist writer. It is delusional to contact me thinking I am going to take your side against your wife, especially if you engage in misogynistic bullshit in your communications with me.

You’re not entitled to my time

One of the common themes I keep encountering with men who reach out is that they: 1) are adamant that they are exceptions to the rule, and that we should have an immediate kinship because they are such good feminists; 2) are absolutely outraged that I would expect them to follow any rules for contacting me, or that I would limit my communication with them.

The belief that you are entitled to speak to a woman just because you want to is a mainstay of patriarchal beliefs. It’s what causes men to catcall women, to demand that they smile, and to become violent when women don’t do what they want. So by demanding access, you are showing exactly why my boundaries are necessary.

Moreover, why would I bend my rules for a perfect stranger. And why would a feminist who writes exclusively about shitty men bend her rules for a man she doesn’t know?

It demonstrates the extreme ability of patriarchy to basically destroy critical thinking in men.

There are women contacting me daily whose lives are in danger, whose husbands want to kill them.

Why should I prioritize some random dude over them?

If you want to show me that you’re a good feminist, then respect my time by:

• not sending me a long, babbling word salad

• not expecting any response at all, let alone a response in a certain time frame

• following my rules for communication, including not asking for free advice in respond to endless paragraphs of text

Expect that I am going to be skeptical of you. And respect that this is because your people are generally assholes.

I can see through your bullshit

Your wife might have fallen for your whining, for your New Age pontificating, and for your endless babbling. That’s probably a big part of the reason she’s following me now.

I’m not going to fall for it. You’re not special. If there’s an unfair division of household labor, inadequate parenting, sexual coercion, or a history of emotional abuse, you are exactly like all the other men, no matter how much you want to separate yourself from them.

And if your primary goal is to convince me that you’re not like all the other men, then you are like 100% of the men who have emailed me before.

It’s true that not all men are abusive. I’m married to one. We have a happy, wonderful life filled with lots of sex and compassion and fun, because he puts in the necessary work. You could have this life too, if you spent less time attempting to separate yourself from other men and more time trying to root out every shred of patriarchy that lingers in your soul.

My experience with good men makes it easier for me to see through the bullshit low value men spew. And what I’ve learned is that good men don’t have to tell me how great they are. They show it. They earn my respect rather than demanding it off the bat.

Low value men want to prove they’re not sexist. Good men know that all men are raised in a sexist society, and unless they actively work on themselves and admit to their shortcomings, they’ll become assholes.

Low value men want to defend themselves to me. Good men want to learn from me (and the women in their lives).

You admit to abuse without even realizing it

A typical email from a man goes something like this: 2,000 words about how much he has suffered, followed by a single sentence about something he has done to his wife that doesn’t even mention the bad deed. “There was a conflict.” “She began sleeping in the living room.” “She became upset with me.”

They never, ever tell me what they did wrong. It’s all vague terms and talking around things.

When you do this, I know that you have something to hide.

Quality men contacting me admitting to their flaws. Low value ones want to pretend they’re brothers in enlightenment. And in so doing, they prove that they understand nothing.

If you want feedback, you should expect to get it

Almost every man who emails me wants feedback on his relationship. And what happens when I give it?

Anger.

Aggression.

Veiled threats.

Or, in the better case, a cordial thank you and a disappearance because he realizes I’m not going to take his side, and doesn’t want to actually learn.

Don’t contact me asking for feedback and expect to get anything other than a takedown of your privilege. That’s what I do. Why would you expect something different?

Your defensiveness proves your misogyny

Men who have done the work of unpacking their own sexism are not defensive. They can admit to wrongdoing and identify what they’re doing differently.

As we say in the south, a hit dog hollers.

Men only get angry about the things I say when they know I’m talking about them. Men who aren’t assholes don’t feel the need to tell me how mean I am for calling out assholes. Men who aren’t like all the other men don’t feel the need to inform me of this fact.

I don’t care if you like me

“Well that’s it, I’ve lost respect for you,” a dozen or so men have told me over the last week after I told them their behavior was unacceptable. Many of them began by buttering me up, telling me how wonderful and brilliant and kind and good I am.

It’s the same cycle they’ve gone through with their partners—love-bombing followed by immediate abuse as soon as she pushes back on anything.

The difference between me and their wives is that I don’t give a fuck.

I don’t write because I want men to like me. The men whose opinions I actually care about love the shit out of me. The rest of y’all can just go ahead and exit the gene pool.

If you email me, I don’t care if you like me, and you’re not going to convince me to like you based on your words alone. And if you can’t accept feedback without having a rage seizure, you’re not sufficiently in control of your emotions to be reaching out.

Honestly, men, probably just don’t email me.

Email me at zawn.liberatingmotherhood@gmail.com