What to expect from your controlling parents when you leave an abusive partner
Abusive, high-control parents almost always side with the abuser. Being prepared can make the betrayal less agonizing.
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If you’re leaving an abusive relationship, you might hope that the people who loved you first, and who supposedly love you most, will take your side. And if they are good and loving parents, they will. The reality, though, is that many people were raised in abusive homes—even if they never acknowledged the maltreatment as abusive. These parents are often reluctant to support their daughters against abusers. And tragically, they may even take the abusers side.
Readers have told me about parents who testify against them in court, who tell them they deserve the abuse, who tell their abusers where they live.
When the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally tell you that you deserve abuse, or otherwise attempt to force you to remain in abusive relationship, it can make you feel like you’re the crazy one. Maybe you really are the monster he believes you to be. After all, a cornerstone of abuse—whether from parents or spouses—is convincing you that you are deeply bad, and that you deserve the abuse. The abuse, in this framework, is either a reasonable reaction to your unreasonable behavior or for your own good.
No wonder so many women with abusive parents end up in domestic violence situations. No wonder they tend to stay so much longer. So what’s going on here? And what can you expect from your abusive or highly controlling parents if you leave your relationship?
This is the second installment in a new series, “High control parenting to high control marriages.” Authoritarian parenting and abusive relationships reinforce one another. You can read the first in the series here. In the next few months, I’ll also be covering topics such as:
How authoritarian parenting disrupts the ability to detect abuse
How authoritarian parents keep their kids in abusive relationships
Preventing the next generation of abuse: Protecting your daughter if your spouse is an authoritarian parent
These pieces are bonuses for paid subscribers only, so I hope you’ll consider becoming a paid subscriber. Please also share in the comments if there’s a specific topic you’d like me to cover in more detail! I would also love to hear about your experiences with the abusive parent to abusive husband pipeline.