The cycle of emotional abuse

Why emotional abuse is so effective as a tool of control--and is often even more damaging than physical abuse

In my last survey on women’s postpartum experiences, 52% of women reported experiencing some form of abuse in the fragile postpartum period. In an earlier survey, about half of women reported experiencing various forms of emotional abuse and psychological terror in their marriages.

Emotional abuse is the norm in heterosexual marriages. Yet many women don’t recognize the abuse for what it is, thanks to society’s ongoing gaslighting and loved one’s insistence that this is just the way men are.

Research shows that emotional abuse may actually be more harmful than physical violence, including to the children who witness it. And this form of abuse is highly effective at enforcing male dominance. Women in emotionally abusive relationships are more likely to stay, more likely to comply, and less likely to leave or to recognize the abuse for what it is. Maybe that’s why so many men deploy it to control their partners.

Understanding the cycle of emotional abuse can help you understand why it’s so effective—and perhaps even see your marriage for the emotionally abusive prison it actually is.

The basic cycle of abuse

Abuse almost always follows a predictable cycle:

1. Tension begins building. You can feel that your partner is angry, and things in the relationship are getting worse.

2. Your partner abuses you. This, for him, releases the tension. He feels calmer and, of course, doesn’t care how you feel.

3. Reconciliation. Your partner tries to win you back. He’ll often apologize, but try to find some way to justify the abuse. He snapped. You broke him. Whatever.

4. Calm. Things will be calm for a while. There may be a honeymoon period during which he is especially kind, causing you to believe that maybe he’s not actually abusive at all. Maybe it really is your fault.

Why victims of emotional abuse so often think it’s their fault

Emotional abuse follows the same cycle, but with one important distinction:

Society does not recognize emotional abuse as abuse. So the victim might not either. And even if she does, the people in her life will try to convince her that it’s really not that bad.

As a result, the abuse cycle with emotional abuse displays different characteristics. During the reconciliation period, it may actually be the abuse victim who begs for forgiveness. Here’s why.

After an act of abuse, he may not apologize. Instead, he may frame it as the inevitable result of all the terrible things she’s done to him. Because he has torn her down, she will begin to question herself. Maybe she actually deserves it. Maybe she’s the abusive one. Because she loves him, she will begin to panic that he might leave. And then she will be the one to apologize.

With each cycle, his emotional abuse will get worse. This tears down her sense of self, and causes her to question her own reality. Maybe what he’s doing is normal. Or maybe she’s just so unbelievably awful that she deserves it. Over time, she’ll accept more and more abuse. And with each cycle, she’ll do more and more to apologize to him for her own abuse, to win him back after each act of emotional violence. She’s constantly trying to prove her value to him, empowering him to abuse her even more, and distracting her to see his abuse for what it is.

This is exactly what he wants.

Because the guiltier she feels, the more she will do for him. More household labor. More parenting. More fawning. More sex. Less questioning. This arrangement can work for men for decades, allowing them to control their spouse, destroy her sense of self, and extract whatever they want from the relationship without ever laying a hand on her.

It’s incredibly effective, and this is why the most intelligent men may never become physically violent.

Why emotional abuse predicts physical violence

Physical violence almost always begins with emotional abuse, because emotional abuse is a way of testing how she might respond to violence. It steadily tears her down, making her less likely to fight back.

Another phenomenon unfolds with emotional abuse, too. If the woman ultimately recognizes she is being abused, if she tries to disrupt the cycle by not apologizing, if she leaves, then he may become physically violent.

Abusive men who see that their favorite abuse tactic no longer works tend to escalate to even worse abuse.

And when he hits her, she will have had years of conditioning suggesting she deserves it. She may have even confessed to being a “bad wife,” or told loved ones she’s the abusive one. She may have begged and pleaded with him to stay many times, in front of an audience, again suggesting that she’s the one who wants the relationship and he’s the victim.

So she’ll think she deserves the violence—and if she doesn’t, others will.

She’s been primed to accept violence, and once it starts, it almost always escalates.

If you are in any type of abusive relationship, know that there is nothing you can do to deserve abuse or to cause another person to become abusive.

Do whatever you can to get out.