Problem with men in therapy is they instantly size up the situation and realize a) no one in the arrangement has the threat potential / fortitude to make him change what he’s doing and b) therapy is a goldmine of emotional manipulation tools and opportunities he can take advantage of to advance his interests and maintain his superior position in the marriage hierarchy.
When men step into the therapy room they enter a world that’s inverted to what they normally experience. In a man’s daily experience, vulnerability and victimization are bad things that lower his status. Victimizing and exploiting his wife is proof that he’s really a man, that he’s superior. Other men congratulate him with envy, acceptance and recognition of his masculinity. Men will do just about anything to avoid revealing their actual vulnerabilities and victimizations. Every time women “open up” about being victimized by men and our emotional vulnerabilities, far from feeling bad for us, they feel affirmed in their superior position. “We do *that* to them, and they can’t / won’t do anything to stop us!”
But in the therapy room, victimization and vulnerability are valued and can *raise* men’s status. The therapist (9/10 the therapist is female) isn’t interested in status hierarchies and power, but in sharing feelings, which is the basis of female friendships. The man quickly realizes he can be put in the superior position in the hierarchy by revealing hurt and aggrieved feelings. The therapist sees the male revealing vulnerabilities as an attempt to bond and repair the relationship (because that’s what women do) instead of outmaneuvering the wife for dominance.
When the wife doesn’t relent in her requests, because no amount of revealing feelings can substitute for the man taking on household or childcare tasks, she (ironically) is seen as the one who is showing inappropriate domination and control. Getting out of actually doing the thing is seen as a reward the wife owes the husband in return for him “opening up.”
She’ll be supplied with various apologetic, supplicating “appropriate” ways to make her requests, not realizing the more she asks, no matter how nicely, the more she entrenches herself in the role of “nagging domineering wife.”
And even the husband doesn’t jump in revealing his ADHD, family history of alcoholism, feelings of inadequacy at work or home etc as a strategy to stay on top, he will relish in his wife revealing her own insecurities and vulnerabilities and store those to use and abuse in later status battles.
Wow. Thank you again for putting the thing in to words. This is my experience exactly. Thank you for reminding for of the myriad tiny ways by which my ex used to abuse me and our relationship. We started therapy 12 months into our relationship (red flag right there) at my suggestion because I was frustrated he wouldn’t do half the vacuuming. I was doing everything else but I guess in hindsight the vacuuming was the only thing I could visibly see that wasn’t equal. The inequality was exacerbated by the fact that I’d entered the relationship with a one-year old child. So I just kept doing the work, and my ex was happy to ride my coat tails. (Oh my gosh I just read that back, am crying now. What asshole would come into a new mum’s life and not help and allow her to do all the work while he played with the toddler and pretended he was dad of the year). He wouldn’t do the vacuuming because he was tired from his demanding job as a new teacher. Regardless of the fact that I was working and looking after my son, and we’d moved in together in a place that was closer to the school where he was teaching but meant an extra hour commute for me each day to get my son to his daycare so I could work. It all seems so clear now, but I was younger then and didn’t know any better. The therapy just put a band-aid on a gaping wound and extended a situation full of frustration and self-doubt. It would be five more years and another baby before I left him. But thank goodness I got out. It’s a hard grind being a single mum. But the freedom is delicious.
This just knocked me on my ass. Finally summoned the courage to ask my husband to read Fair Play with me as we recommitted to weekly couples’ counseling. 💔
My husband is a physician and repeatedly tells me “I do more than any other husband I know” to gaslight my complaints. Nevermind that I was the only spouse working FT in the department. Then came the physical abuse... I filed for divorce but agreed to go to therapy after he said he would when I finally filed. I’d been asking him to go for 1.5 years before. My intention is to go because it’s cheaper to pay a therapist to hash these issues out with you than it is a lawyer. He already moved out and expects to just come and go from the house when he feels like it will spend time with the children. He’s made no plans to actually make a home with him and the children.
We started couples’ therapy when we had backed ourselves into a corner communication-wise and needed someone to help us out. We dumped our therapist on the third session when my husband just straight up forgot (no excuses--felt awful) and our therapist BLAMED ME and told me to make sure to schedule future sessions at a time that worked for him.
“Why bother, when you can just move the fuck on?” A-fuck’n-men! So very thankful for my therapist who got us both in the room one time and after hearing us both for about 30 minutes said “you two need to be in individual therapy”. I was still uneducated at the time what that meant, but years and lots of education later l now understand the abuse was THAT clear. Thank you for your amazingly clear writing about situations that people try to act like are complicated.
Problem with men in therapy is they instantly size up the situation and realize a) no one in the arrangement has the threat potential / fortitude to make him change what he’s doing and b) therapy is a goldmine of emotional manipulation tools and opportunities he can take advantage of to advance his interests and maintain his superior position in the marriage hierarchy.
When men step into the therapy room they enter a world that’s inverted to what they normally experience. In a man’s daily experience, vulnerability and victimization are bad things that lower his status. Victimizing and exploiting his wife is proof that he’s really a man, that he’s superior. Other men congratulate him with envy, acceptance and recognition of his masculinity. Men will do just about anything to avoid revealing their actual vulnerabilities and victimizations. Every time women “open up” about being victimized by men and our emotional vulnerabilities, far from feeling bad for us, they feel affirmed in their superior position. “We do *that* to them, and they can’t / won’t do anything to stop us!”
But in the therapy room, victimization and vulnerability are valued and can *raise* men’s status. The therapist (9/10 the therapist is female) isn’t interested in status hierarchies and power, but in sharing feelings, which is the basis of female friendships. The man quickly realizes he can be put in the superior position in the hierarchy by revealing hurt and aggrieved feelings. The therapist sees the male revealing vulnerabilities as an attempt to bond and repair the relationship (because that’s what women do) instead of outmaneuvering the wife for dominance.
When the wife doesn’t relent in her requests, because no amount of revealing feelings can substitute for the man taking on household or childcare tasks, she (ironically) is seen as the one who is showing inappropriate domination and control. Getting out of actually doing the thing is seen as a reward the wife owes the husband in return for him “opening up.”
She’ll be supplied with various apologetic, supplicating “appropriate” ways to make her requests, not realizing the more she asks, no matter how nicely, the more she entrenches herself in the role of “nagging domineering wife.”
And even the husband doesn’t jump in revealing his ADHD, family history of alcoholism, feelings of inadequacy at work or home etc as a strategy to stay on top, he will relish in his wife revealing her own insecurities and vulnerabilities and store those to use and abuse in later status battles.
Stop telling men to go to therapy.
Wow. Thank you again for putting the thing in to words. This is my experience exactly. Thank you for reminding for of the myriad tiny ways by which my ex used to abuse me and our relationship. We started therapy 12 months into our relationship (red flag right there) at my suggestion because I was frustrated he wouldn’t do half the vacuuming. I was doing everything else but I guess in hindsight the vacuuming was the only thing I could visibly see that wasn’t equal. The inequality was exacerbated by the fact that I’d entered the relationship with a one-year old child. So I just kept doing the work, and my ex was happy to ride my coat tails. (Oh my gosh I just read that back, am crying now. What asshole would come into a new mum’s life and not help and allow her to do all the work while he played with the toddler and pretended he was dad of the year). He wouldn’t do the vacuuming because he was tired from his demanding job as a new teacher. Regardless of the fact that I was working and looking after my son, and we’d moved in together in a place that was closer to the school where he was teaching but meant an extra hour commute for me each day to get my son to his daycare so I could work. It all seems so clear now, but I was younger then and didn’t know any better. The therapy just put a band-aid on a gaping wound and extended a situation full of frustration and self-doubt. It would be five more years and another baby before I left him. But thank goodness I got out. It’s a hard grind being a single mum. But the freedom is delicious.
This just knocked me on my ass. Finally summoned the courage to ask my husband to read Fair Play with me as we recommitted to weekly couples’ counseling. 💔
My husband is a physician and repeatedly tells me “I do more than any other husband I know” to gaslight my complaints. Nevermind that I was the only spouse working FT in the department. Then came the physical abuse... I filed for divorce but agreed to go to therapy after he said he would when I finally filed. I’d been asking him to go for 1.5 years before. My intention is to go because it’s cheaper to pay a therapist to hash these issues out with you than it is a lawyer. He already moved out and expects to just come and go from the house when he feels like it will spend time with the children. He’s made no plans to actually make a home with him and the children.
We started couples’ therapy when we had backed ourselves into a corner communication-wise and needed someone to help us out. We dumped our therapist on the third session when my husband just straight up forgot (no excuses--felt awful) and our therapist BLAMED ME and told me to make sure to schedule future sessions at a time that worked for him.
“Why bother, when you can just move the fuck on?” A-fuck’n-men! So very thankful for my therapist who got us both in the room one time and after hearing us both for about 30 minutes said “you two need to be in individual therapy”. I was still uneducated at the time what that meant, but years and lots of education later l now understand the abuse was THAT clear. Thank you for your amazingly clear writing about situations that people try to act like are complicated.