"That she is unique for thinking that motherhood is spiritually and intellectually stimulating, and that people judge her for this belief. The reality is that they judge her for the same reason they judge all mothers: Because she is a mother, and because we love to pretend that motherhood is easy and requires no intelligence." WOW. Yes! Yes to everything you said.
So many of us white women have this knee-jerk impulse to exceptionalize ourselves. "I'm not like those other mothers who complain; I'm one of the good ones" sounds so similar to "But I'm a good white woman! I'm not like the others!" We don't understand how to find strength in the insights we gain from understanding that we are part of a system. And think that we will find strength/safety in being exceptional. It's interesting.
As a white women, I cannot stand that white woman mentality. —What you quoted was such a powerful push back from Zawn and I also YES'd it too as I read it.
It is these powerful articles you've written which ring in all the issues that opened my eyes to my motherhood (and marriage) through becoming a reader of yours.
This piece is fantastic.
My dad, who is a changed version of the partner he was to my mom when they were raising us and my husband (stbxh) recently said the same exact —sentence— to me. I was having separate conversations with each of them two days apart. What were we chatting about? My complaints about my motherhood and the unbelievable amount of labor on my shoulders.
The areas within the article where you —lay out the inequality, political, sexist, mysogynist, patriarchal facts— around our motherhood— align with exactly how I feel. I actually wrote up an email after those conversations with my dad and stbxh and included my mother and sent the email to all 3 of them. What you've shared here with this piece is what I wrote about in my email. I have never been able to articulate my feelings and my worth until I started reading your work. It was in my *brain* but precise and clearly laid out language and terms are what really helps assist us women to —talk about it— and demand change. Thank you again for just being who you are Zawn and what you do as your profession. You speak right to our souls, you honor validating nothing short of our truths, wants, needs and the deserving of having lives as women, mothers, non-mothers and our future generations.
I think the piece misses the mark because it doesn’t go far enough in questioning WHY women feel they must choose between loving being mothers and complaining about how mothers are burdened. (Answer: patriarchy is built upon women’s unpaid labor, so we need to keep women doing it, quietly.)
However, is it possible you’re misunderstanding what she’s saying? I read her post and I didn’t see, “I’m not like other mothers, I actually like my kids.” I saw her reflecting on how in her own circles, she knows there’s a lot of difficulties mothers face, including interpersonal with their own children, and she fears being tone-deaf and upsetting them. She’s talking about the vibe she feels where being positive about motherhood seems frowned upon.
I’ve been in mom groups where the group conformity is very high and I found myself instantly rejected by disagreeing with, “I look at my kids and just wish I could experience childhood again.” They had no compassion for me when I said that I’d had a childhood I would not repeat for any sum and preferred being an adult with autonomy. They iced me out because I had not agreed on the thing “all the women in the group are agreeing with right now.” It was very weird. Luckily I found other people, but I’ve been in that situation of feeling like people get mad if I don’t have the same positive or negative feeling then have. I homeschool and know that I’d get the same treatment if I disagreed with the many, many parents I know who go on at length about how they can’t wait for their kids to go back to school because it’s so hard being with them. (I’m not referring to the people saying they are looking forward to a more even keel school schedule vs piecing together camps and childcare all summer. I’m talking about the ones who specifically complain about spending time with their kids on long weekends, breaks, etc. It’s pretty common.)
Here’s an excerpt from her article that I think supports my belief that she’s not trying to “unlike those other mothers….”
“The relational piece is the most immediate. When a close friend admits to me that she is struggling with motherhood, the feeling tends to come coated with a heavy dose of physical and emotional exhaustion, shame, maybe even regret. For so long, motherhood was locked up in easy metaphors of goodliness and saintliness. To deviate from this one-note portrayal and refuse to meet unrealistic expectations, to not want to be endlessly giving and enthusiastic about it, was, in this formula, to be a bad person. Ambivalence about either one’s children, or about how motherhood changes the way one can experience the world, was not seen as a healthy part of a huge life undertaking, but a sign that one was not dedicated enough. Even though we have let go of these simplified and unrealistic definitions of a “good mom,” particularly in online discourse, those old-fashioned notions can still get under the skin for those having a hard time. To be in that state, and to hear that I am loving motherhood—a matter of personal disposition as much as it is luck in having children with milder temperaments—might, very understandably, only make things worse.“
She needs to learn to validate the person talking to her like this so they can work through those heavy feelings minus the shame, and she’s right to not tell them how great it’s going for her right that second. But it’s valid for her to write about how in particular circles, she feels it’s never her turn to talk about her joy in motherhood.
"That she is unique for thinking that motherhood is spiritually and intellectually stimulating, and that people judge her for this belief. The reality is that they judge her for the same reason they judge all mothers: Because she is a mother, and because we love to pretend that motherhood is easy and requires no intelligence." WOW. Yes! Yes to everything you said.
So many of us white women have this knee-jerk impulse to exceptionalize ourselves. "I'm not like those other mothers who complain; I'm one of the good ones" sounds so similar to "But I'm a good white woman! I'm not like the others!" We don't understand how to find strength in the insights we gain from understanding that we are part of a system. And think that we will find strength/safety in being exceptional. It's interesting.
PS: Boy Mom by Ruth Whippman is getting a fair amount of attention and if you ever read it, I'd love to know your take.
As a white women, I cannot stand that white woman mentality. —What you quoted was such a powerful push back from Zawn and I also YES'd it too as I read it.
🖤
It is these powerful articles you've written which ring in all the issues that opened my eyes to my motherhood (and marriage) through becoming a reader of yours.
This piece is fantastic.
My dad, who is a changed version of the partner he was to my mom when they were raising us and my husband (stbxh) recently said the same exact —sentence— to me. I was having separate conversations with each of them two days apart. What were we chatting about? My complaints about my motherhood and the unbelievable amount of labor on my shoulders.
The areas within the article where you —lay out the inequality, political, sexist, mysogynist, patriarchal facts— around our motherhood— align with exactly how I feel. I actually wrote up an email after those conversations with my dad and stbxh and included my mother and sent the email to all 3 of them. What you've shared here with this piece is what I wrote about in my email. I have never been able to articulate my feelings and my worth until I started reading your work. It was in my *brain* but precise and clearly laid out language and terms are what really helps assist us women to —talk about it— and demand change. Thank you again for just being who you are Zawn and what you do as your profession. You speak right to our souls, you honor validating nothing short of our truths, wants, needs and the deserving of having lives as women, mothers, non-mothers and our future generations.
I think the piece misses the mark because it doesn’t go far enough in questioning WHY women feel they must choose between loving being mothers and complaining about how mothers are burdened. (Answer: patriarchy is built upon women’s unpaid labor, so we need to keep women doing it, quietly.)
However, is it possible you’re misunderstanding what she’s saying? I read her post and I didn’t see, “I’m not like other mothers, I actually like my kids.” I saw her reflecting on how in her own circles, she knows there’s a lot of difficulties mothers face, including interpersonal with their own children, and she fears being tone-deaf and upsetting them. She’s talking about the vibe she feels where being positive about motherhood seems frowned upon.
I’ve been in mom groups where the group conformity is very high and I found myself instantly rejected by disagreeing with, “I look at my kids and just wish I could experience childhood again.” They had no compassion for me when I said that I’d had a childhood I would not repeat for any sum and preferred being an adult with autonomy. They iced me out because I had not agreed on the thing “all the women in the group are agreeing with right now.” It was very weird. Luckily I found other people, but I’ve been in that situation of feeling like people get mad if I don’t have the same positive or negative feeling then have. I homeschool and know that I’d get the same treatment if I disagreed with the many, many parents I know who go on at length about how they can’t wait for their kids to go back to school because it’s so hard being with them. (I’m not referring to the people saying they are looking forward to a more even keel school schedule vs piecing together camps and childcare all summer. I’m talking about the ones who specifically complain about spending time with their kids on long weekends, breaks, etc. It’s pretty common.)
Here’s an excerpt from her article that I think supports my belief that she’s not trying to “unlike those other mothers….”
“The relational piece is the most immediate. When a close friend admits to me that she is struggling with motherhood, the feeling tends to come coated with a heavy dose of physical and emotional exhaustion, shame, maybe even regret. For so long, motherhood was locked up in easy metaphors of goodliness and saintliness. To deviate from this one-note portrayal and refuse to meet unrealistic expectations, to not want to be endlessly giving and enthusiastic about it, was, in this formula, to be a bad person. Ambivalence about either one’s children, or about how motherhood changes the way one can experience the world, was not seen as a healthy part of a huge life undertaking, but a sign that one was not dedicated enough. Even though we have let go of these simplified and unrealistic definitions of a “good mom,” particularly in online discourse, those old-fashioned notions can still get under the skin for those having a hard time. To be in that state, and to hear that I am loving motherhood—a matter of personal disposition as much as it is luck in having children with milder temperaments—might, very understandably, only make things worse.“
She needs to learn to validate the person talking to her like this so they can work through those heavy feelings minus the shame, and she’s right to not tell them how great it’s going for her right that second. But it’s valid for her to write about how in particular circles, she feels it’s never her turn to talk about her joy in motherhood.
Thank you for writing about this