There's a reason I'm met with condescension and derision every time I advocate for my kids. Chances are it happens to you, too. Plus, 5 ways to be less sexist toward mothers.
That really sucks, and I am sorry the school was not more sensitive to why you might not be on the same page as your ex. I'm weighing if / when I may have to disclose that to my kid's school and just dreading it, wondering if it's even worth trying to
Every situation is so different. As zawn said you need to consider the all the implications eg if you have any way it could be used against you. It just sort of popped out when we were talking because i felt so shit about her comparing our relationship to others and i felt like I needed to justify myself. Which I shouldn't have to. But also she is treating my kid like she is annoying for the sake of it, not because she's being shuffled between two houses and has a child form of ptsd. Infuriating to have her treat me like a hysterical weirdo who can't even coparent.
This is incredibly relatable. I have an autistic son who is cognitively impaired. He also has schizophrenia. He believes that he has superhuman intelligence, strength and healing powers. One of the ways that this manifests is that he states "facts" that he believes to be true, but are not. (ie. Jupiter is made of helium and plutonium, styrofoam becomes plasma when heated to 150 degrees, etc.). His psychologist questioned me HEAVILY about his cognitive impairment diagnosis, because he saw my son as highly gifted. (I couldn't switch psychologists as my son was living in a residential therapeutic home and others didn't feel capable.). Anyway, it took me almost a year to convince this psychologist to just take a moment to look into the "facts" that my son shared with him.
I recently attempted to get access to my 15 yo daughter’s educational records (her dad has sole custody). As a parent, I am legally entitled to my child’s education records under FERPA (1974 law) unless that right has specifically been terminated or revoked. If that right has been specifically terminated or revoked there will be a legal document stating that explicitly. My rights to the records have not been terminated or revoked.
The first email I sent to the high school guidance counselor (goes by last name here so the counselor has seen my two oldest struggle and drop out in prior years) I did not identify who my student was, but she was super responsive “sure- we can meet right away- who’s your student?”
As soon as I told her my student’s name, she promptly ignored me and my follow up emails. Being mama bear (we are biologically programmed to protect our young but not recognized under patriarchy), I was able to set up a meeting with the principal. (Ex had quite the smear campaign as abusers do). For an hour I explained domestic violence in my family and that I was concerned that my academically gifted children are dropping out before they finish their freshman year. Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, but THREE high school dropouts is a huge red flag. The entire time the principal was dismissive of me- looking at the clock repeatedly, feigned no knowledge of my daughter, he didn’t know her, she’s not a student there, no record of her. So I asked him to look up the records of her two older brothers who I had records for (the first two dropouts). He said nope- nothing. The man is LITERALLY LYING TO MY FACE.
He excuses himself for a minute and then comes back and says “aha I have a document that says legally I do not have to give you any records.!” I kindly asked him to get legal counsel or the superintendent’s office on a call because unless those exact words exist, as a default parents are entitled to their kids school records. He hurried me out of his office and said he’d circle back.
Imagine my surprise when he called back an hour later and told me I was in fact, correct. All of the schools had been “bullied” by the ex to believe I was not entitled to my legal rights. All the schools had been illegally refusing my records requests for THREE YEARS, all at the skilled manipulation of an abuser (even worse that my ex works for the Catholic Church- who the hell is taking LEGAL ADVICE FROM THE CATHOLICS IN 2023?!?!). The elementary school contacted me immediately (I was taking my time- one school at a time- because being denied your legal rights repeatedly takes a huge emotional toll)- word was out that as a parent, I am entitled to my child’s educational records.
Maddening that this mother’s legal rights were denied by THREE SCHOOLS all on the word or an abusive man. No calls to head office or legal counsel, just the skilled manipulation of an abusive white guy in a tie.
I was able to get the records- three high school dropouts down, three more to come. He enrolls them in homeschool so there’s “nothing” the school can do according to the school. The Beata Kowalski case against Johns Hopkins case is going on right down the road from these schools- the slightest suspicion of child abuse, mandated reporters are mandated to report. Seems like the principal, when he’s signing the truancy letters and sees my kids last name again, wouldn’t that be the time to call cps? Why are these kids who are in pre-ib and designated cademically gifted in their educational records (my other daughter is ten and her records state this) going to high school just to drop out once the truancy notice goes out freshman year. There is a pattern, but these people in 2023 are completely unaware of parental rights in the case of divorce and schools. Shouldn’t all schools be vested in ending domestic violence and ensuring these children’s education?
Oh, and even though I credit the principal for calling me back (I guess he kind had to unless he wanted to continue to BREAK THE LAW), he never apologized. I cannot imagine ANY parent getting treated the way I did in 2023.
Meanwhile my 10 and 16 yo daughters are isolated- in a home with three adult men and two teenaged brothers. If the school was going to report, they would have done it years ago. So disheartening there is no recourse.
I have to disagree with you on one thing. Everyone feels like they have to chime in and know more about the child I live with. Male or female, childless or parents, educator or not. I agree with the reasoning, "mothering is easy so the mother is obviously doing it wrong", misogynist idiocy. I don't want my children to be given sugary cookies and yogurt every day for the mid afternoon snack. I'm a control freak. It's irrelevant that there is a scientific consensus on the effect of sugar in dental health, obesity, type II diabetes and so forth. I'm overbearing.
On a side note, nowadays the advice I give to soon to be parents, apart from recommendations on my favorite books, is that every child is unique and that what worked for one might not work for the other so, when other parents give advice, their are looking into their own reality and their own children, not working for you says nothing about you or your parenting.
I'm not sure I understand what you disagree with. Can you clarify? This definitely crosses all gender lines. It's not just men doing it. It's still misogyny perpetuating it. And I feel you so hard on the sugar thing. I have had this fight over and over.
Thank you, jfcccc. My ex’s childless girlfriend has gone around telling people she doesn’t understand why I don’t just get a job to actually support my kids. Um. I support my kids the way I decide which is best. Which is to be home with them.
Also 2 weeks ago we had a shit show (heh) in that my kids had worms. I sent a notification to my ex, let him know plan and course of action, and that I was treating and what he had to do (wash sheets, vacuum, hand washing, morning showers, no sugar, bonus get probiotics etc.)
I spent 4 hours researching how best to tackle and then additional time drafting organized information to him, while also tackling cleaning everything in my house. I have the kids 5-6 days a week.
He condescendingly asked me “what pinworm medicine will you be using? Probiotics can help in preventing pinworms but it isn’t going to do anything significant to fight them”.
As if I don’t know how to read lmao. I also at no point previously claimed that probiotics were a treatment for pinworms. I pointed that out, and that I had spent hours on this, and that he could ask me what my treatment plan was. He did not.
He then later asked me what over the counter medicine I gave them because he didn’t want them to get two doses. I told him I did not consent to him dosing them. He then told me that he “understood that I had problems with the medical community” but that he “couldn’t in good conscience ignore his rEsPonSiBiLiTy (emphasis added 💀) when [my] medical opinion opposes the consensus of the medical community”. I pushed back again, he didn’t reply, and then my kids informed me the next day that he gave them the medicine, so he dosed them without fully confirming that I hadn’t, or informing me that he did.
While also claiming that *I* was the recklessly endangering parent 🔪🔪🔪
I wish that people (men in particular) who are frustrated that more women are not becoming wives and mothers would take 5-10 minutes and evaluate what they think about mothers in real life. Imagine your own mother, the mother of your kids, your sister if she’s a mother, mothers you see in your neighborhood, at the grocery store, at the doctor’s office, in restaurants, on airplanes. Do you like them? Do you think they’re smart, successful people? Do you admire them and want to be like them? If they make a remark about something they seem to think is important, do you care or do you dismiss it as “b*tching and moaning”? Do you ever think a mother you know in real life is right about *anything*? Do you think of the mothers in your life (perhaps not your own) as sexy, attractive, fun? Do you think they work hard? Do you think the things they do are important, or petty and trivial? Because a lot of people like and even revere the concept of motherhood, but degrade the reality. And girls very very quickly pick up on it and remember it when the time comes. Many women do not become mothers because they see it as a raw deal. If you don’t admire, respect or even like mothers (in real life) and find them annoying, petty, boring, hysterical, banal, ugly and stupid, why on Earth do you think a young woman would want to become one?
That really sucks, and I am sorry the school was not more sensitive to why you might not be on the same page as your ex. I'm weighing if / when I may have to disclose that to my kid's school and just dreading it, wondering if it's even worth trying to
Every situation is so different. As zawn said you need to consider the all the implications eg if you have any way it could be used against you. It just sort of popped out when we were talking because i felt so shit about her comparing our relationship to others and i felt like I needed to justify myself. Which I shouldn't have to. But also she is treating my kid like she is annoying for the sake of it, not because she's being shuffled between two houses and has a child form of ptsd. Infuriating to have her treat me like a hysterical weirdo who can't even coparent.
That is infuriating and really disappointing that she's not more sympathetic to what your child is going through.
This is incredibly relatable. I have an autistic son who is cognitively impaired. He also has schizophrenia. He believes that he has superhuman intelligence, strength and healing powers. One of the ways that this manifests is that he states "facts" that he believes to be true, but are not. (ie. Jupiter is made of helium and plutonium, styrofoam becomes plasma when heated to 150 degrees, etc.). His psychologist questioned me HEAVILY about his cognitive impairment diagnosis, because he saw my son as highly gifted. (I couldn't switch psychologists as my son was living in a residential therapeutic home and others didn't feel capable.). Anyway, it took me almost a year to convince this psychologist to just take a moment to look into the "facts" that my son shared with him.
This also sort of reminds me of the dynamic whereby if a male confidently asserts anything, folks assume it must be true.
Amen.
Could not agree more!
I recently attempted to get access to my 15 yo daughter’s educational records (her dad has sole custody). As a parent, I am legally entitled to my child’s education records under FERPA (1974 law) unless that right has specifically been terminated or revoked. If that right has been specifically terminated or revoked there will be a legal document stating that explicitly. My rights to the records have not been terminated or revoked.
The first email I sent to the high school guidance counselor (goes by last name here so the counselor has seen my two oldest struggle and drop out in prior years) I did not identify who my student was, but she was super responsive “sure- we can meet right away- who’s your student?”
As soon as I told her my student’s name, she promptly ignored me and my follow up emails. Being mama bear (we are biologically programmed to protect our young but not recognized under patriarchy), I was able to set up a meeting with the principal. (Ex had quite the smear campaign as abusers do). For an hour I explained domestic violence in my family and that I was concerned that my academically gifted children are dropping out before they finish their freshman year. Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, but THREE high school dropouts is a huge red flag. The entire time the principal was dismissive of me- looking at the clock repeatedly, feigned no knowledge of my daughter, he didn’t know her, she’s not a student there, no record of her. So I asked him to look up the records of her two older brothers who I had records for (the first two dropouts). He said nope- nothing. The man is LITERALLY LYING TO MY FACE.
He excuses himself for a minute and then comes back and says “aha I have a document that says legally I do not have to give you any records.!” I kindly asked him to get legal counsel or the superintendent’s office on a call because unless those exact words exist, as a default parents are entitled to their kids school records. He hurried me out of his office and said he’d circle back.
Imagine my surprise when he called back an hour later and told me I was in fact, correct. All of the schools had been “bullied” by the ex to believe I was not entitled to my legal rights. All the schools had been illegally refusing my records requests for THREE YEARS, all at the skilled manipulation of an abuser (even worse that my ex works for the Catholic Church- who the hell is taking LEGAL ADVICE FROM THE CATHOLICS IN 2023?!?!). The elementary school contacted me immediately (I was taking my time- one school at a time- because being denied your legal rights repeatedly takes a huge emotional toll)- word was out that as a parent, I am entitled to my child’s educational records.
Maddening that this mother’s legal rights were denied by THREE SCHOOLS all on the word or an abusive man. No calls to head office or legal counsel, just the skilled manipulation of an abusive white guy in a tie.
I was able to get the records- three high school dropouts down, three more to come. He enrolls them in homeschool so there’s “nothing” the school can do according to the school. The Beata Kowalski case against Johns Hopkins case is going on right down the road from these schools- the slightest suspicion of child abuse, mandated reporters are mandated to report. Seems like the principal, when he’s signing the truancy letters and sees my kids last name again, wouldn’t that be the time to call cps? Why are these kids who are in pre-ib and designated cademically gifted in their educational records (my other daughter is ten and her records state this) going to high school just to drop out once the truancy notice goes out freshman year. There is a pattern, but these people in 2023 are completely unaware of parental rights in the case of divorce and schools. Shouldn’t all schools be vested in ending domestic violence and ensuring these children’s education?
Oh, and even though I credit the principal for calling me back (I guess he kind had to unless he wanted to continue to BREAK THE LAW), he never apologized. I cannot imagine ANY parent getting treated the way I did in 2023.
Meanwhile my 10 and 16 yo daughters are isolated- in a home with three adult men and two teenaged brothers. If the school was going to report, they would have done it years ago. So disheartening there is no recourse.
I have to disagree with you on one thing. Everyone feels like they have to chime in and know more about the child I live with. Male or female, childless or parents, educator or not. I agree with the reasoning, "mothering is easy so the mother is obviously doing it wrong", misogynist idiocy. I don't want my children to be given sugary cookies and yogurt every day for the mid afternoon snack. I'm a control freak. It's irrelevant that there is a scientific consensus on the effect of sugar in dental health, obesity, type II diabetes and so forth. I'm overbearing.
On a side note, nowadays the advice I give to soon to be parents, apart from recommendations on my favorite books, is that every child is unique and that what worked for one might not work for the other so, when other parents give advice, their are looking into their own reality and their own children, not working for you says nothing about you or your parenting.
I'm not sure I understand what you disagree with. Can you clarify? This definitely crosses all gender lines. It's not just men doing it. It's still misogyny perpetuating it. And I feel you so hard on the sugar thing. I have had this fight over and over.
From the post it sounded like you were saying the "It's mainly men doing it." and its everyone. Apparently I misread.
Thank you, jfcccc. My ex’s childless girlfriend has gone around telling people she doesn’t understand why I don’t just get a job to actually support my kids. Um. I support my kids the way I decide which is best. Which is to be home with them.
Also 2 weeks ago we had a shit show (heh) in that my kids had worms. I sent a notification to my ex, let him know plan and course of action, and that I was treating and what he had to do (wash sheets, vacuum, hand washing, morning showers, no sugar, bonus get probiotics etc.)
I spent 4 hours researching how best to tackle and then additional time drafting organized information to him, while also tackling cleaning everything in my house. I have the kids 5-6 days a week.
He condescendingly asked me “what pinworm medicine will you be using? Probiotics can help in preventing pinworms but it isn’t going to do anything significant to fight them”.
As if I don’t know how to read lmao. I also at no point previously claimed that probiotics were a treatment for pinworms. I pointed that out, and that I had spent hours on this, and that he could ask me what my treatment plan was. He did not.
He then later asked me what over the counter medicine I gave them because he didn’t want them to get two doses. I told him I did not consent to him dosing them. He then told me that he “understood that I had problems with the medical community” but that he “couldn’t in good conscience ignore his rEsPonSiBiLiTy (emphasis added 💀) when [my] medical opinion opposes the consensus of the medical community”. I pushed back again, he didn’t reply, and then my kids informed me the next day that he gave them the medicine, so he dosed them without fully confirming that I hadn’t, or informing me that he did.
While also claiming that *I* was the recklessly endangering parent 🔪🔪🔪
"Behind every frazzled mom is a dad not doing shit (and often, actively undermining her). Ask where the fuck that motherfucker is."
We need this on a bumper sticker!!!
I wish that people (men in particular) who are frustrated that more women are not becoming wives and mothers would take 5-10 minutes and evaluate what they think about mothers in real life. Imagine your own mother, the mother of your kids, your sister if she’s a mother, mothers you see in your neighborhood, at the grocery store, at the doctor’s office, in restaurants, on airplanes. Do you like them? Do you think they’re smart, successful people? Do you admire them and want to be like them? If they make a remark about something they seem to think is important, do you care or do you dismiss it as “b*tching and moaning”? Do you ever think a mother you know in real life is right about *anything*? Do you think of the mothers in your life (perhaps not your own) as sexy, attractive, fun? Do you think they work hard? Do you think the things they do are important, or petty and trivial? Because a lot of people like and even revere the concept of motherhood, but degrade the reality. And girls very very quickly pick up on it and remember it when the time comes. Many women do not become mothers because they see it as a raw deal. If you don’t admire, respect or even like mothers (in real life) and find them annoying, petty, boring, hysterical, banal, ugly and stupid, why on Earth do you think a young woman would want to become one?