Questions to ask to screen a couples counselor
Choosing the right couples counselor may influence everything that comes next.
Therapy can, in the right situation, transform your relationship. But therapists are neither immune to social conditioning nor experts on the totality of the human condition. And often, the most unqualified therapists overestimate their expertise. Most of my readers report that couples counseling made their relationship problems worse, and provided their abusive or unkind partner with additional material to weaponize against them.
So it’s important to proceed with caution, to trust your gut, and to only go to couples counseling when you believe you have a solvable problem. Your therapist cannot make your partner stop abusing you, or change their fundamental values. If that’s what you’re looking for, it’s time to build your exit plan instead.
Why I picked these questions
It’s easy to ask a therapist if she’s a feminist, or if she thinks men and women are equal. The answer to this question is obvious and easy, and provides no actual insight about what you can expect in treatment.
Instead, I believe in asking open-ended questions that encourage a therapist to tell you what you can expect in therapy. It’s important to frame the question in a way that does not give away the answer you’re hoping for; the goal here is to find out who the therapist is, not tell them how you want them to be.
Planning your initial consultation
Therapists’ time is valuable. The good ones are overworked, severely underpaid, and overwhelmed by the constant trauma of helping people in crisis. It’s important not to expect free treatment, or to take up a lot of their time without paying them.
Instead, you should schedule an initial consultation and use that time to talk generally about your concerns, and ask a few questions. If the therapist offers a free brief consultation, then limit yourself to less than 15 minutes, and pick two or three questions that are most relevant to your situation.
Questions to ask
What do you feel is the main factor causing domestic labor inequality? Here, you’re looking for signs that the clinician understands that this is a power dynamic, not something that is the victim’s fault. It’s also a red flag if the provider is dismissive of the seriousness of this issue, talks about gender roles, or suggests that one gender is better at certain tasks than others.
Do you think that men need sex to feel loved, or that sex is a love language? This is a great way to assess whether the therapist is likely to endorse sexual coercion as acceptable, or to tell you that you must have sex with your partner to get your basic needs met. Listen carefully to how they answer this question.
What do you see as the goal of couples counseling? The goal should be for each individual member of the couple to determine what they need, and whether the relationship works for them. It should not be to keep them together. If the goal is staying together, then that may mean the therapist pressures one party (usually the woman) to ignore her needs in service of a relationship.
What do you do if there is abuse in a relationship? Therapy is not safe when there is abuse. Any therapist who continues the therapeutic relationship when there is significant abuse is unethical. Instead, the therapist may elect to see only one party, recommend that both parties seek individual counseling, or require that the abuser enter a batterer’s program as a condition of continued therapy. The therapist should also report any abuse against children, and be willing to provide testimony about any other abuse in the relationship.
What do you consider abuse in a relationship? If the therapist only regards physical abuse—or worse, severe physical abuse—as abusive, they are unqualified. Look for a nuanced answer that includes sexual, emotional, and financial abuse, too.
What do you think of polarity theory? This is a disease that has rapidly infected the world of coaching, and is now making its way into therapy, too. It’s gender essentialism—and the oppression it necessarily entails—wrapped up as spirituality. Neither has any place in therapy, and a therapist who believes in this nonsense will absolutely replicate patriarchal constructs in therapy. I write more about this here.
Do you incorporate any spiritual or alternative healing modalities into care? The correct answer is no. A therapist should never impose their value system on their clients. Instead, the therapist’s job is to help clients articulate their values then live in accordance with them. So talking about those values is fine, but telling a client what they “should” do based on energy theory, Christianity, New Age healing, or any other practice is completely unethical. Talking about manifestation, male and female divinity or energy, and similar spiritual theories is also a red flag.
What role do you think neurodivergence plays in relationship problems? Look for signs that the therapist will dismiss bad behavior because of neurodivergence. Neurodivergence is real, but it does not give anyone a free pass to mistreat anyone else.
How do you assess success? Good therapy assesses progress and success according to the goals you outline in treatment. A therapist who does not have a strategy for assessing this does not have any way to assess whether treatment is working.
What specific treatment approaches do you use? Look for a coherent approach to treatment. Sitting around talking about feelings forever isn’t going to cut it. Then research the evidence base for each approach the therapist identifies. Be sure to Google each approach + “feminist critique” to look for misogynistic red flags.
What are your thoughts on sexism in heterosexual relationships? A therapist should be able to identify specific details about how sexism influences romantic relationships. They must also clearly state that it is normally a factor—not that sexism is rare, and definitely not that sexism flows in both directions.
What do you do when couples disagree about the main problems in a relationship? This disagreement over what is wrong is often the main relationship problem, and a good therapist should have a process for mediating.
How do you see your role as therapist? A therapist should not impose their values, nor sit passively by while you both emote. Listen carefully to what this person is offering. Is this what you need? Remember that no therapist can compel your spouse to change their behavior.
Do you think all feelings are valid? Or do you think some emotions are problematic and require expert insight? A therapist who thinks all feelings have equal validity will treat his misogyny as equal to your legitimate needs.
How would you respond to a subpoena? This is a question about how seriously your therapist takes your privacy. A subpoena is relatively easy to get. A therapist who will unquestioningly hand over all your information is not safe. Seek someone who will fight the subpoena or seek legal counsel.
Readers, do you have other questions you suggest? If I think they’re especially helpful, I may add them to this list!
These are fantastic questions! 🙌🙌
I think it would be great to have some similar questions for dating - some of these could be easily tweaked.