Such great questions! Thanks for continuing to protect and advocate for us women in the best ways you can, Zawn. I wish I had this years ago when we saw our first (and only) couple's counseller! Would've helped so so much. Saving for future reference 😌
Wonderful :) Something I'd be interested to know (although not necessarily as a question for a therapist), what determines crossing the line between 1. a person's treatment of a partner being unacceptable requiring change if the relationship is to continue but with the potential of their learning through appropriate couples therapy to see their behavior and commit to changing it, and 2. abuse that means any attempt at couples therapy at that point in time is inappropriate even if the person says they are committed to following the lead of the therapist and taking responsibility for their behavior and their part in the relationship?
These are excellent questions! I asked similar ones to filter in my therapist, she was my couples therapist but I kept her in the break -up. They can be applied to solo therapy too if you are a feminist and need a feminist therapist.
Genuinely curious if you have watched the show Couples Therapy and what you think of Dr. Orna Guralnik. I have some opinions but considering that many folks will base what they know of couples therapy off of this show, I would love your take, Zawn.
What about attachment theory, Zawn? Do you think it’s generally a good thing or a bad thing if therapists are trained in attachment theory-informed styles of couple therapy like Emotionally Focused Therapy? What questions to ask to screen such therapists to ensure they don’t reinforce sexist stuff?
I appreciate that EFT taught me that attachment needs like wanting to be seen, nurtured, listened to, cared for, and empathised with, are normal, as is wanting the partner to be reliable, responsive, consistent and engaged. My ex had told me all these needs were childish and that I just needed to love myself and stop wanting him to meet any of the needs.
The weird thing about EFT though is that if the man is “avoidant”, EFT therapists focus on starting with empathising with him, to get the delicate manly flower to open up, to empathise with his feelings of “inadequacy” and numbness and paralysis when he feels “criticised” and “attacked” by his (usually anxious) female partner. The aim is to get the female partner to empathise with HIS NEEDS FIRST, and only then will he be in a position to listen to hers (never mind she’s been doing exactly that for years). He “never had anyone to rely on” and therefore feels “SO afraid” of loss of the relationship that he turns away from her when she raises issues, to avoid facing the vulnerability of losing her…the theory goes. So him ignoring and ghosting her is cast as “understandable” and the EFT therapist talks about how it takes two to tango - both contribute to the “circular dance” of pursuit-distance apparently.
Reading books like “Hold me tight” by Sue Johnson is very emotional but I can’t help but wonder if this therapy *actually* has an 80% success rate like the book suggests, given it reinforces sexist behaviour by pretending sexism isn’t happening at all and that it’s all just insecure attachment issues.
Great article, though I don't 100% agree (as a retired licensed counselor and divorcee/victim who had records subpoened) with all of it. For example, (1) I'd say it's the job of a person's attorney to fight a subpoena, not the job of a counselor. The counselor should follow the law. (2) Talking about religion is important in some cases of counseling. For example, if a person is deeply religious, religion is part of their language. Using that language and knowing where their religion supports health and where it does not is important. If this knowledge is research (vs personal opinion) based, this is very constructive.
I do like the questions and especially your feedback. Masculine/feminine roles are BS and harmful and should be abandoned. It's about what serves personal health and what doesn't, not about what serves gender roles and pushing someone (male or female) into a box. That's ridiculous and incredibly harmful. Imagine someone telling a sensitive, caring man to step more into his masculine who lovingly cares for his children, home, and spouse (as we all should) - just as icky.
These are fantastic questions! 🙌🙌
I think it would be great to have some similar questions for dating - some of these could be easily tweaked.
I do have a list of green flags here: https://zawn.substack.com/p/relationship-green-flags-how-i-chose
Most men just lie in response to questions, so we have to look at behavior instead.
Such great questions! Thanks for continuing to protect and advocate for us women in the best ways you can, Zawn. I wish I had this years ago when we saw our first (and only) couple's counseller! Would've helped so so much. Saving for future reference 😌
Wonderful :) Something I'd be interested to know (although not necessarily as a question for a therapist), what determines crossing the line between 1. a person's treatment of a partner being unacceptable requiring change if the relationship is to continue but with the potential of their learning through appropriate couples therapy to see their behavior and commit to changing it, and 2. abuse that means any attempt at couples therapy at that point in time is inappropriate even if the person says they are committed to following the lead of the therapist and taking responsibility for their behavior and their part in the relationship?
Katrina, I really love this question, and I have a lot of thoughts. Would it be ok with you if I reformulated this as a Feminist Advice Friday column?
Hi Zawn, just saw this, yes, please do so, thanks :)
These are excellent questions! I asked similar ones to filter in my therapist, she was my couples therapist but I kept her in the break -up. They can be applied to solo therapy too if you are a feminist and need a feminist therapist.
Genuinely curious if you have watched the show Couples Therapy and what you think of Dr. Orna Guralnik. I have some opinions but considering that many folks will base what they know of couples therapy off of this show, I would love your take, Zawn.
I don't watch tv!
What about attachment theory, Zawn? Do you think it’s generally a good thing or a bad thing if therapists are trained in attachment theory-informed styles of couple therapy like Emotionally Focused Therapy? What questions to ask to screen such therapists to ensure they don’t reinforce sexist stuff?
I appreciate that EFT taught me that attachment needs like wanting to be seen, nurtured, listened to, cared for, and empathised with, are normal, as is wanting the partner to be reliable, responsive, consistent and engaged. My ex had told me all these needs were childish and that I just needed to love myself and stop wanting him to meet any of the needs.
The weird thing about EFT though is that if the man is “avoidant”, EFT therapists focus on starting with empathising with him, to get the delicate manly flower to open up, to empathise with his feelings of “inadequacy” and numbness and paralysis when he feels “criticised” and “attacked” by his (usually anxious) female partner. The aim is to get the female partner to empathise with HIS NEEDS FIRST, and only then will he be in a position to listen to hers (never mind she’s been doing exactly that for years). He “never had anyone to rely on” and therefore feels “SO afraid” of loss of the relationship that he turns away from her when she raises issues, to avoid facing the vulnerability of losing her…the theory goes. So him ignoring and ghosting her is cast as “understandable” and the EFT therapist talks about how it takes two to tango - both contribute to the “circular dance” of pursuit-distance apparently.
Reading books like “Hold me tight” by Sue Johnson is very emotional but I can’t help but wonder if this therapy *actually* has an 80% success rate like the book suggests, given it reinforces sexist behaviour by pretending sexism isn’t happening at all and that it’s all just insecure attachment issues.
Great article, though I don't 100% agree (as a retired licensed counselor and divorcee/victim who had records subpoened) with all of it. For example, (1) I'd say it's the job of a person's attorney to fight a subpoena, not the job of a counselor. The counselor should follow the law. (2) Talking about religion is important in some cases of counseling. For example, if a person is deeply religious, religion is part of their language. Using that language and knowing where their religion supports health and where it does not is important. If this knowledge is research (vs personal opinion) based, this is very constructive.
I do like the questions and especially your feedback. Masculine/feminine roles are BS and harmful and should be abandoned. It's about what serves personal health and what doesn't, not about what serves gender roles and pushing someone (male or female) into a box. That's ridiculous and incredibly harmful. Imagine someone telling a sensitive, caring man to step more into his masculine who lovingly cares for his children, home, and spouse (as we all should) - just as icky.