That's so heartbreaking, and I'm so sorry for what you had to go through. I know i have reached the conclusion, I'll never marry. The risk is just too great for women, under our current system. Not that it's easy to leave relationships once their are feelings involved, but still, far easier to leave a relationship where you're not legally bound
It pisses me off that it takes women leaving and divorcing for some to step up. I dated a guy in my early 20s who had the best dad. He was disabled but was able to manage a couple of rental proprieties to help bring in money still. I found out a year into the relationship that his father had a family before in another country and was estranged from them. It crushed me that even he wasn’t great at one point in his life.
Exactly, once there are children and the courts are involved, YOU can leave but you cannot take your kids with you. Leaving is so dangerous. Mine was clearly awful before kids, took us a few years to have them, I debated about leaving but I didn’t understand that it wasn’t stress or me causing him to be angry, it was abuse. Marriage is indentured servitude
Yep, I thought stress for a while until I realised it was abuse. Like you, my ex husband did at least 50% of everything until we had a baby. I think there was sone deterioration in his behaviour after marriage (together 4 years prior) and a big deterioration with pregnancy and particularly after out baby who was born two years post marriage).
Same--and my ex-wife was a trans woman. Every message I got from the queer community was that she would magically be "better" because she was a woman. Nope. She pulled every abusive male tactic in the book. Totaled my car, stole money from me, proclaimed she was "dominant" as an excuse to never give me any space, pushed me for sex, refused to hold down a job and told me I could simply work more hours. I finally filed for divorce when she punched the wall next to my head and proclaimed it wasn't that bad because she hadn't actually hit me. Aside from her gender, it was no different from every cis man who'd ever hurt me.
I came to the conclusion that male socialization and patriarchy is so powerful it even cuts across gender lines. If you are seen as male in our society, you will be told in every possible way that you are better than those who are seen as female, no matter what. And if you're not careful, you will internalize that and terrorize those around you that you consider "inferior."
I will not be beholden to that kind of domestic terrorism ever again. Never.
Kristen, I so relate. I was with my ex from 16, married at 19, children at 30. I thought I chose well. He had heart surgery at 43, became abusive (including abusing alcohol, which had never before been an issue) and we are divorcing at 46. I never knew someone could change like that! My daughters are 16 and 14, and I share your sentiment that I hope they never legally marry. I am thankful for what I have learned, and will protect myself going forward. If I ever date again, no legal marriage, for sure----and I am never depending on someone financially again----lessons learned!!
That's so heartbreaking, and I'm so sorry for what you had to go through. I know i have reached the conclusion, I'll never marry. The risk is just too great for women, under our current system. Not that it's easy to leave relationships once their are feelings involved, but still, far easier to leave a relationship where you're not legally bound
It pisses me off that it takes women leaving and divorcing for some to step up. I dated a guy in my early 20s who had the best dad. He was disabled but was able to manage a couple of rental proprieties to help bring in money still. I found out a year into the relationship that his father had a family before in another country and was estranged from them. It crushed me that even he wasn’t great at one point in his life.
Exactly, once there are children and the courts are involved, YOU can leave but you cannot take your kids with you. Leaving is so dangerous. Mine was clearly awful before kids, took us a few years to have them, I debated about leaving but I didn’t understand that it wasn’t stress or me causing him to be angry, it was abuse. Marriage is indentured servitude
Yep, I thought stress for a while until I realised it was abuse. Like you, my ex husband did at least 50% of everything until we had a baby. I think there was sone deterioration in his behaviour after marriage (together 4 years prior) and a big deterioration with pregnancy and particularly after out baby who was born two years post marriage).
Same--and my ex-wife was a trans woman. Every message I got from the queer community was that she would magically be "better" because she was a woman. Nope. She pulled every abusive male tactic in the book. Totaled my car, stole money from me, proclaimed she was "dominant" as an excuse to never give me any space, pushed me for sex, refused to hold down a job and told me I could simply work more hours. I finally filed for divorce when she punched the wall next to my head and proclaimed it wasn't that bad because she hadn't actually hit me. Aside from her gender, it was no different from every cis man who'd ever hurt me.
I came to the conclusion that male socialization and patriarchy is so powerful it even cuts across gender lines. If you are seen as male in our society, you will be told in every possible way that you are better than those who are seen as female, no matter what. And if you're not careful, you will internalize that and terrorize those around you that you consider "inferior."
I will not be beholden to that kind of domestic terrorism ever again. Never.
This is a very interesting phenomenon and I would be very interested to hear about other trans women’s treatment of their female partners.
Kristen, I so relate. I was with my ex from 16, married at 19, children at 30. I thought I chose well. He had heart surgery at 43, became abusive (including abusing alcohol, which had never before been an issue) and we are divorcing at 46. I never knew someone could change like that! My daughters are 16 and 14, and I share your sentiment that I hope they never legally marry. I am thankful for what I have learned, and will protect myself going forward. If I ever date again, no legal marriage, for sure----and I am never depending on someone financially again----lessons learned!!