5 things young women considering marriage need to know to protect themselves

Marriage is almost always a bad deal for women. Here's how to protect yourself.

Jun 08, 2023

If you’re a young woman considering getting married or having children with a man, there’s something I desperately need you to know:

Society wants you to judge, dislike, and disapprove of mothers. This is because you will not listen to mothers if you see yourself as fundamentally different from them.

But friend, I need you to know that we mothers are a diverse bunch. And we’re a lot like you. The only difference is that most mothers are trapped in absolutely horrible marriages that are destroying their lives. You can protect yourself from meeting the same fate if, and only if, you’re willing to heed the lessons of the mothers who came before you.

The average marriage is absolutely awful

I’ve spent the last several years writing about the horrible circumstances in which most married woman find themselves. The typical marriage between men and women looks something like this:

The woman does 90% of the household labor, 90% of parenting, almost all of the emotional and mental labor, and almost all of any other unpaid work, whether or not she works outside of the home.
The man does nothing, or almost nothing, to show his appreciation for her. He doesn’t celebrate Mother’s Day or birthdays. He doesn’t thank her or acknowledge her work.
Sex is unsatisfying, painful, or without consent. The man demands sex no matter how little effort he puts in, and punishes the woman with bad moods or worse when she doesn’t give in.
There’s no romance, and usually no love. A woman can labor for days, give birth to a man’s baby, care for that baby perfectly, and he’ll still degrade her. She’ll become more and more isolated the longer she is with him.
Most of society will take the man’s side, because patriarchy is all about gaslighting women.
As a result of all of this, the woman has zero free time. Her health may suffer. She may not have time to exercise, get therapy, or even sleep. This is, of course, by design. Exhausted women don’t have the energy to leave, to organize with other women for change, or to fight back.

Don’t believe me? Listen to the thousands of women I’ve surveyed about their marriages instead:

And lest you think the problem is the formalized commitment, most of these surveys looked at women who remained unmarried to long-term partners. The problem isn’t marriage, per se. It’s unbreakable commitments to men—and specifically, having children. Once you have a child with a man, you are permanently bound to him in one way or another, if he wants you to be.

Leaving is dangerous

A lot of young women tell themselves that if things don’t work out, they’ll just leave. That’s all fine and good until you have children—and if your partner isn’t abusive.

For most women, though, leaving is extraordinarily dangerous. Violent men are more likely to escalate the violence in the weeks following a woman’s departure. And if you have kids with a man, you can never fully leave. He can weaponize the family court system against you for years to come—maybe even take your children. Don’t count on bias in favor of women. The data actually show that family courts are biased against mothers, and that the more abusive your partner is, the more likely he is to: a) use the family court to abuse you; and b) win.

If leaving is your solution to a problematic relationship, if the possibility of leaving is what you use to assuage your anxiety about marrying a less-than-ideal man, please listen to me: It will never be easier to leave than it is right now. It will get harder after marriage and after you own property together. It will get exponentially harder to leave after kids.

There is nothing that should outweigh this consideration. Not a pending wedding. Not angry guests. Not disappointing your family. The pain of being trapped in a bad marriage is immeasurable, and it is worth the inconvenience of canceling to have a shot at a better tomorrow.

Having a good marriage takes lots of planning

One of the biggest mistakes I see young women make is believing that, if the guy is “nice” and good, he will be a good husband.

The demands of married life and fatherhood are exhausting, and require much more than dating does. So if he falls short with dating, he’s definitely going to be inadequate in marriage.

But more to the point: All men are indoctrinated into patriarchal thinking. And all women are indoctrinated into the belief that they deserve less than men. This is fundamental to patriarchy. It doesn’t mean that all men are misogynist, nor that all women are victims. It does mean that without active, conscious, ongoing self-examination, misogyny is inevitable in a relationship between men and women.

So if a man has not actively worked on his misogyny, it’s going to eventually become apparent, and it’s going to get worse. You will not luck your way into an equitable relationship. This is something you have to plan. It takes many, many conversations to 1) assess whether your partner is willing to have such a relationship; 2) determine the dynamics of such a relationship; 3) evaluate the extent to which you and your partner can change, adapt, and work out problems together.

At the very minimum, you need to discuss all of the following with him many, many times before committing to children or marriage:

Division of labor, including how you will divide labor if you become pregnant, give birth, get ill, etc.
Parenting style, including how he feels about spanking, discipline, etc.
His willingness to educate himself. Does he intend to parent by intuition? If so, that is a really bad sign. Or is he going to learn about how to parent, how to divide labor, how to be a good spouse.
The ways marriage disadvantages women. If he thinks marriage is bad for men, then he is going to act that way. And that means expecting you to give up more than he does, since he’s doing you the “favor” of marrying you.

There’s a simple rule that all of this reduces to: If there is anything at all you are afraid to talk to him about (the future, commitment, your needs, sexuality, parenting, whatever), or anything he refuses to talk about, run far, far away.

If he’s not a feminist, he’s not worth it

In my twenties, I had a lot of friends whose boyfriends spent a lot of time in strip clubs, making a big show of checking out other women, and dodging commitment. These men were often dismissive to their partners, obsessed with what their bros thought, and skeptical of—or outright hostile to—women.

The pipeline from that type of behavior to the type of behavior that imprisons women in shitty marriages is undeniable. These women all thought their partners would change. They didn’t.

While it’s certainly possible for a man to pretend to be a feminist and end up as a bad spouse, what’s much more common is for a man to not be a feminist, and to then become progressively more and more misogynistic in marriage.

I recommend reading these two pieces to get a better feel for how to sniff out misogynists:

Some of the most important things to look for include:

He shares household labor with you equitably. If he doesn’t now, he never will.
He’s not hostile to feminism.
He doesn’t talk over you, mansplain to you, or condescend to you.
He doesn’t try to involve you in a pursuit-based relationship, where you’re always more committed and invested than him.
He shows an ongoing willingness to sacrifice for you, even when there is no immediate reward.
He understands how to make women orgasm, and sex is not all about him.
He does not make vulgar or rude comments about women’s bodies; he’s not put off by pregnancy, birth, periods, or vaginas. Men who don’t like women’s bodies don’t like women.

Things only get worse

People present their best selves early in a relationship. Whoever he is now is very likely the best person he will ever be. Once he’s in a relationship with you, and especially once he’s married and has kids with you, he has almost no incentive to change because you are trapped.

So look at the person you have today. Is that someone who’s going to be a good partner? Are you with someone who is willing to do things for you even if there’s no reward? Who truly believes in equality? If not, you’re on the road to a horrible marriage just like most other women have.

People deserve an opportunity to grow, evolve, learn, and change. But no one deserves to use your one and only precious life as a teachable moment. You should not settle for anything less than an exceptionally good relationship. Leave now. Single life is better than life with an abusive, entitled, mean-spirited manbaby. Value yourself enough to recognize that.

The only way we will ever change the state of marriage, the only hope we ever have for a better future for our daughters, is for women to come together and proclaim, “Enough!” We must refuse to marry, commit to, sleep with, involve ourselves with sexist, lazy men. A man who doesn’t do his fair share, who isn’t committed to becoming a good parent, who doesn’t care about women’s well-being, who isn’t an exceptionally good sexual partner is fundamentally unfuckable, and definitely unmarriageable.

You owe it to yourself to reject men like this. And you owe it to all the women who come after you, too. Because only be rejecting shitty men is there any possibility that they will ever change.

Liberating Motherhood

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