All the random topics you wanted me to discuss!
Here's a mishmash of topics readers asked me to write about that were too long for a comment, but too short for their own newsletter.
This is the keyboard my husband got me, and the place from which I’m always writing.
I’ve done a couple of AMAs over the last month, as well as a subscriber chat in which I asked my readers to tell me what they most want to hear me talk about. I got a number of questions that I didn’t feel I could write a whole newsletter on, but that warranted more than just a comment. So here they are!
If your question is not here, it means I’m working on incorporating it into an upcoming standalone post, so sit tight. Also, I got so many ideas for content that’s in my wheelhouse (plants! tortoises! planning!) but not necessarily on-point for this newsletter, that I’ll probably do some bonus newsletters. This way you’ll still get your regular dose of feminist content, plus some more stuff. So if you see more of me in your inbox, that’s why. This won’t be a permanent increase in the pace of things, just a short-term bonus.
I'd like to hear your thoughts on educating all the other men in my family about inequity in elder care.
You can’t.
My mom’s partner and I, along with some of her friends, spent about two years caring for her together when she was dying from dementia. And we dealt with all sort of criticism from people who had no idea 1) how much effort was involved; 2) what quality dementia care looks like; 3) how much we were doing. It was profoundly awful, and I’m deeply empathetic with anyone who has these struggles.
But ultimately, it’s a lot like household labor. People who don’t want to see it never will.
I do have two suggestions to offer, both of which are imperfect, and neither of which is likely to fully resolve the problem:
Keep a log for a week or two of everything you do, and how long it takes. Give it to your family members, and ask them which tasks they’d like to take off your plate.
If someone critiques your caregiving, thank them for volunteering to help. Then give them an assignment. As my husband always says, the best way to get people to shut up is to expect them to actually work.
What you think your home life/relationship would look like if you hadn’t put in the effort before marrying your husband?
Well, first of all, I wouldn’t have married my husband. I would have married the first guy who stuck around and showed some interest. Because a big part of the work was valuing myself enough to be willing to be single, and enough to be willing to insist upon getting what I need from my relationships.
But if I had still run across my husband, I think our marriage would have been better than average, because my husband is a feminist who sees women as fully human. Without ongoing discussions of mutual needs, though, it is impossible to expect a good relationship. My husband and I talked hundreds of times about parenting, sex, division of labor, money, the future, values, everything. Had we not done that, our marriage would not be what it is, and I might very well be just as trapped as so many of my readers.
You absolutely will not have an equal, good relationship if you do not invest significant early labor into 1) investigating the ability of your partner to provide equality; 2) identifying and developing strategies for meeting your mutual needs.
I'm interested in the intersection of anti-fat bias/diet culture + neurodivergence + healthism + patriarchy with all the terrible advice people give to mothers in online forums about controlling their kids' diets
This is a huge topic that I could write about for a long time, because I am neurodivergent and have one definitely neurodivergent and a second likely neurodivergent child.
I think this cultural trend capitalizes on the fact that, yes, obviously, to an extent, the food we eat matters. And I do think it sometimes matters more for neurodivergent children (bear with me! I’m not about to tell you to put your kid on a diet, I promise!). For example, a child with anxiety is going to have worse anxiety when they are hungry, when their routine is disrupted, etc. Kids need regular mealtimes, a comforting meal routine, to not eat nothing but sweets, and to eat a variety of nourishing foods.
Diet culture takes this obvious insight, wraps it up with fatphobia, and warps it.
It’s awful, because neurodivergent kids often have unique nutritional issues. They will eat only a few safe foods, or they respond poorly to change, or they have demand avoidance and panic like hell when someone tries to control them.
So what happens is something like this: Parent tries to excessively control the child’s food. Child gets worse and panics. Parent tries to control child’s food more. It’s a terrible and abusive cycle that sets kids up for eating disorders. And it draws heavily on fatphobia, of course.
For readers interested in evidence-based child nutrition, I recommend these sources:
A feminist view on foster care and the child welfare system
I could say so much. My mom spent her life in the child welfare system. She was an early advocate for family reunification. She believed that parents usually lose custody because of poverty, and that most abusive parents can learn to do better. She also saw the many abuses children suffered in foster care, and knew that wealthy families typically get away with abusing their children.
The child welfare and foster care system has so many tensions:
A certain level of poverty becomes a form of abuse, but why would we take away a child instead of fixing the family’s poverty?
Children need their parents, and separating them from their parents is inherently traumatic. But also, some parents are awful.
We do not have good standards for separation, a good understanding of real abuse indicators, or a well-resourced child welfare system.
Our child welfare system is racist, culturally incompetent, classist, and often staffed by people with deeply held biases.
We have not resolved these tensions well. It’s a mess. I don’t know the solutions, but I know that what we have right now is not working.
I am engaged with a new baby and happy but things could be a little more equitable. It’s hard because I am taking 1 year off paid to raise bub (this is common here in Australia - the length of time) but struggling with what is a fair split of labour given I’m “working at home” raising our child if that makes sense. I don’t mind doing household labour, but should I give up more for my partner?
If you’re wondering if you should “give up more” for your partner, the answer is a resounding no. A good relationship expands your opportunities rather than snuffing them out. Your partner should not be asking—directly or indirectly—for you to give things up for them, especially when you have already made the immense sacrifice of facing death to bring life into the world.
If you’re asking if you should do all of the household labor just because you’re staying home, the answer is also no. I cover this in more detail in this Feminist Advice Friday.
A feminist view on policing and its role in society
Police should be there to protect women from abusers. Instead, they’re more likely to be the abusers.
My husband is a civil rights attorney whose practice is devoted to suing cops who abuse/kill people. I have several family members in jail, all of whom have suffered immense trauma.
I also have a family member whom I love dearly, but whom I’m also glad is in jail, because it was the only way to remove the immense threat he poses to society (and to me).
Policing doesn’t keep people safe. I have called the police many times in dangerous circumstances—such as when there was a prowler in my yard, and when a man threatened me outside my house. I have never gotten help from them.
I have never had a positive interaction with a police officer, even as a white upper middle class lady.
I am horrified that no one seems to care about the conditions of jails and prisons. We could turn them into beautiful places where people actually get rehabilitated for roughly the same price we are paying now.
And while I aspire to be a prison abolitionist, I am not. Because I have had too many interactions with the above-referenced family member who has long posed a serious threat. And because I have talked to too many women for whom literally the only way they could be safe is by putting their partners in prison.
So I want to see police do their jobs. I want to see jails and prisons used less, and used well, in a way that helps and protects people rather than destroying them.
There are a lot of ways that could happen.
But we’re not, culturally, taking any of the steps that will get us closer.
Are gnats just a product of plants?
Not necessarily, but often. A few gnats aren’t going to do any harm, and it’s a waste of your time to do a lot to try to get rid of them. I’ve found that putting a few carnivorous plants out helps immensely.
With a real gnat problem, soak in neem oil or repot then soak again.
I’m in my 40s now and since my divorce 7 years ago I have not met one man I could have a relationship with. This leaves me with bring the sole contributor financially and I’m scared. I’d like to know how I can support myself going forward
It is a travesty that we have come to a point where a person can work hard and still be unable to support a family on a single income. This is one of the many ways patriarchy traps women. Nevertheless, you are doing the right thing by refusing to give in.
It’s easy to focus on how much easier life would be with a partner. Consider, though, that partnership makes life worse for most women, especially if they settle. And ending a bad partnership can cost you immensely.
I don’t know how you can best support yourself. That depends on your skills, training, history, and so much more. But I want to reassure you that a partner is NOT the path to financial security, and I hope you’ll be able to find a path that works for you.
I would LOVE to know what paper planners you use! I am a ‘paper planner’ too and haven’t been able to find the perfect one.
I have a complicated system, and I’ll talk more about it in an upcoming post on neurodivergent planning, but here’s a basic rundown:
I customize my own inserts from Agendio. I use a monthly calendar, a weekly to-do list, a weekly deadline calendar (this will work for lots of people who have project-based work), and a daily calendar.
My planner binders are almost always from Franklin Covey. I’ve also bought some custom stuff from Sunday Leathercraft.
I use lots of sticky notes to keep track of ideas and random thoughts, stick them in my planner, and then put them someplace more permanent (usually the below notebook) at the end of each week.
I use a separate notebook for keeping track of writing ideas, Substack stuff, notes on my Liberating Motherhood support group, etc. I won’t use it if it’s not appealing and pretty. My notebook is from Foxy Fix, which is now out of business, but secondhand notebooks are easy to find. I get planner clips on Etsy, and I use notebook inserts that use Tomoe River paper, because I prefer to write on that style of paper. This is what it looks like:
I don’t plan if it’s not pretty! So I spend about an hour each month decorating my pages for the upcoming month. Here’s an example of what some of my decorated pages look like:
Would love to read more about (non)violent communication. And on intimacy vs coercive intimacy.
Well, someone just accused me of “violent communication” for muting her until she apologized for racist comments in my Facebook group, sooooo…
I will probably write about this in more detail later, but a few principles I follow:
Nonviolent communication does not mean “nice” communication that pleases everyone. To communicate nonviolently, for example, you must ban racist speech in groups you control, must call out abusive behavior when you see it, etc.
Nonviolent communication is direct, because direct communication is 1) more effective; 2) more inclusive of neurodivergent people. I’ve written more about this here.
Nonviolent communication is not passive-aggressive. You must be clear about where a person stands.
Don’t attribute motives where doing so is unnecessary. Talk about behaviors.
Know that criticism is hard, and that people deserve love and support whenever possible.
Now that I’ve started on this list, I’ve realized I really need to turn this into a full post, so I will do that soon!
I’m really interested in personality types and cognitive functions, especially with a lot of new brain science that’s come out lately
You won’t like my answer. I think the notion of a personality type is bullshit, that personality tests are often steeped in racism and sexism, and that the “new” brain science is the same old pseudoscience repackaged as something better. I do not believe in “types” of people, and I do not believe that spending time categorizing people into types is useful. It’s much better to get to know actual people.
What do you think of sex work, strip clubs, Hooters, etc.?
I think this work is like any other job in a racist, sexist, capitalist patriarchy—often very exploitative and profoundly dangerous, but one of many roles people fill to survive.
I am unapologetically pro-sex worker, and believe sex workers need a place at every feminist table. I think we can question whether these jobs would exist (or exist in their current incarnation) in a healthy society while still affirming the right of sex workers to chart their own course, determine their own destiny, and lobby for their rights.
I used to be really anti-sex work (though never anti-sex worker; I was always a big supporter of sex worker unions and such).
Then I had the opportunity, in college, to work for several years in the legal department of a large group of strip clubs. Strip clubs are often under attack, and those attacks frequently target protected speech in a way that could harm other minorities. So I got to do lots of really interesting work. Here are my observations:
I never encountered a single man who regularly patronized any of the clubs who was not also absolute scum. Every patron I ever met would gleefully rape or abuse a woman if given half the chance, saw women as less than human, as objects, and unworthy of meaningful connection. Every married man I ever met who went to strip clubs was abusive.
I have never encountered a strip club at which there were not numerous policies and practices in place that abused the strippers, exploited them, and put them in danger (though this is much like any other company that exploits its workers). Every club owner, manager, etc. spoke about strippers like they weren’t even human.
At the same time, there were many people who genuinely cared about the strippers—just in a way you might care about pets. And they cared about them FAR MORE than the government officials trying to shut the clubs down.
Every single policy or law designed to shut down strip clubs in the name of protecting women made the lives of the workers worse, without exception.
Every single policy or law designed to shut down strip clubs also ended up harming at least one other minority group. For example, in one case, a city ended up accidentally banning public breastfeeding.
So I oppose strip club bans and speech restrictions. I support measures led by strippers to assert their rights and unionize. And I think men who patronize strip clubs are universally monsters.
What are some alternatives to marriage for people who want close connections, to not be alone, and to have kids?
My husband and I were just talking last night about how we hope our daughters are able to shack up with their best friends. The devaluation of all non-sexual relationships is the kernel from which the notion that you are “alone” without a romantic partner springs. You can have partners whom you do not have sex with, and there is no rule that you have to have only one partner, either. Some alternatives that I think will be stabler and better for most women include:
Single motherhood by choice. Get pregnant with donor sperm, then do it on your own, your own way. Trade childcare with other women. Move closer to your parents or your sister. Join a single mothers by choice group.
Partnership with a friend. Your partner doesn’t have to be someone you sleep with. You can even non-romantically marry your best friend to make sharing resources easier.
Political lesbianism. Sexuality is fluid, and if yours is at all fluid, consider forming a partnership with another woman. Alternatively, there’s also non-romantic lesbianism: forming an intense and loving partnership with someone whom you are not sexually attracted to.
Partnership with several friends. Pooled resources=more resources. Why not buy a house and draw up a contract with a couple of dearly beloved friends, then spend life together?
There are tons of ways to do things, and forcing women to give their all to men who take everything is literally the worst way.
I’m a single Mum by choice. As a lesbian I was always going to have to go down this path, but I had hoped I’d meet someone first.
When I was 36 I decided I didn’t want to wait any longer, and the pandemic was a great perspective shaper. Now I have a 2 year old and I couldn’t imagine life without him. While it’s certainly been a juggle, I find my (straight) married friends complain more about their husbands than their kids. I belong to an online solo Mums group which has been invaluable, and we often talk about buying a big block of houses and living near each other.
I won’t lie, I find that as a solo Mum other people believe they can give you all of the unsolicited advice in the world, even policing my choices (whether its “wise” to have another, what school he should go to, how i parent) but if nothing else it’s given me the confidence to stand up to others and be firm in my decisions.
Thanks Zawn, as always ☺️
Policing is a very complex issue for me as a trans person. I'm very clear that I'm the exact demographic that police culture is taught to hate with a passion. I'm "deviant" and that makes me automatically "suspect." But when I'm at work, I am not out as trans and that means that police just see a nurse who they automatically place in the "trust" column. Being in the ER where I regularly interact with police who bring in patients for Fit for Confinement (that is, seeing if someone is medically stable enough to be placed in jail/prison) and who I have dealt with in the course of caring for sexual assault victims is even more complicated.
I depend on them for my safety, and yet they can be the biggest obstacle possible to keeping my patients safe. Police will intentionally attempt to trip up sexual assault victims so their account looks "inconsistent" and they don't have to file a report. Some are on an obvious power trip and will rile up an anxious or angry patient just to feel like a big shot while I have to deal with the fallout. And yet: So many of those angry, violent, out of control patients will NOT listen to someone they perceive as a woman and the only way to keep people safe is to bring in the cops. I don't want police to die in the line of duty; who wants people to die just for showing up to work? But I also hate how they glorify each other as some kind of societal martyr when there are usually MANY privileges working simultaneously in their lives.
I want to say ACAB (and I truly believe in the ethos), but it's not safe on many levels.