An open letter to the angry men on my page

For all the men who are Big Mad that a woman suggests their partners should have orgasms, a life, and sleep.

Dear Jonathan,

You’re not all named Jonathan, of course, but you might as well be. Because each of you thinks you are contributing something truly novel and innovative. Something that will really make me think, if I can manage to make it through your text wall of insults and typos. Ultimately, though, you’re all the same. And maybe that’s the problem. Perhaps the reason you’re on a feminist page yelling at women instead of enjoying a happy life with a fulfilled woman who loves you or a single life in a meaningful career or a life filled with adventure or any other kind of life that does not involve having an emotional meltdown on the Internet is that you share one thing in common with all the men on my page: you are unable to control your emotions about women.

So here, Jonathan or Bubba or Rich or whatever your name is today, is a generic response to the totally generic human that is you.

You tell me that marriage is bad for men. As evidence, you cite the following:

• Women initiate 80% of divorces.

• Women get child support and alimony when they leave.

• Women get child custody.

Never one to be limited by the facts, you ignore the fact that most men don’t seek custody because 20% abandon all of their children. And that child support is the bare minimum, and almost always a pittance. But sure, maybe these statistics are bad for men. Maybe men are suffering. You know what these statistics show, then?

That divorce is bad for men. So maybe, bro, you should have listened to me when I said that marriage is great for men and shitty for women. Maybe you should have worked a little harder to deserve to stay married. Maybe if your wife left you it’s your own goddamn fault.

I know this is hard to believe in a world that consistently treats men like precious snowflakes, but I’m going to tell you this for your own good: Not everything bad that happens in your life means you’re a victim. In fact, quite a lot of it is your own fault. You have no problem telling women this—blaming us for getting raped or getting paid less or whatever. So maybe apply the same standards to yourself.

What did you do, or fail to do, to end up in the situation you find yourself in? Start there.

Divorced dudes angry about child support are of course far from the only people who come onto my page to scream.

But wait, you tell me. You’re not one of those dudes! You’re not even married, let alone divorced! You love women! Cherish them! You’re just here to tell me what I can do to make my message a little clearer. If I would just be less negative. If I would just be nicer. Why can’t I make a page praising good men? Why do I have to be so alienating? Don’t we need men? Don’t we want men to take our side?

Not if those men are so defensive and insecure that when we talk about bad men, they think we’re talking about them. Because of course, if you get defensive about something that’s addressed to some men, then you’re one of the some men. You’re not one of the good guys.

So shut the fuck up. Maybe start your own page speaking nicely to men and praising them for all the good they do. Oh, you don’t want to do that? Then why the fuck should I?

You don’t hate women, you say. Just me. And you’re just dropping by to wish me luck dying single and alone with my cats.

I’m going to speak

very

slowly

I know this is difficult to understand for a subpar dude who’s spent his whole life thinking that women will do anything to spend time with him.

but

here

goes

Dying alone is way better than spending your life with a shitty man.

And cats at least manage to clean themselves—more than I can say for many men.

What’s that, you say? It’s not all men? Yeah, we know that. But it is 100% of the men who derail a conversation about oppression to remind us that the real victims are men, and to admonish us that it’s not all men. So it is definitely you. Shut up and go read this.

Wait, wait, you say. You’re not one of those #notallmen assholes. But you want to make sure I know that it’s not just men! Women can be mean, too! And BTW, why are we being so gender essentialist?

We can’t solve problems if we don’t properly name them. So yes, of course women can be terrible, too. Men get abused, too. But every statistic ever shows us that it is disproportionately men abusing women, disproportionately men buying their free time with their partner’s labor, disproportionately men making marriage absolutely miserable.

It’s not gender essentialist to call things what they are. It is, however, sexist to act like gender doesn’t influence our daily lives. Stop lecturing women about their own experiences. Shut up, listen, and learn or get the hell off of my page.

Another popular character is the man whose wife tags him in my posts, who then threatens me (or hits on me; sometimes both) via DM.

It’s hard to be a bro whose wife publicly calls him out for being shit. A normal, emotionally balanced person who is not like the men I call out on my page would pause and reflect.

But bros, you tell on yourselves.

When you get angry about women wanting orgasms and good sex, you make it clear you’re not capable of delivering these things.

When you prattle on about how women should be in charge of the children and household because you work (never mind the fact that, in 67.3% of cases, she does too), you’re telling us that when she leaves your sorry fucking ass, she deserves to get full custody and a hefty child support payment. After all, you work and your job is to pay up—not help with the kids.

When you get angry about a woman saying marriage is bad for women, what do you think that says? Do you think maybe it suggests you’re worried that you won’t be able to get married if more women wake up? Of course you do. Otherwise, if you really believed marriage was harmful, you would be overjoyed—not irate—that a woman agrees.

And then there are the Alpha males—all of whom seem to be single and underemployed, in spite of this Alpha status. Somehow you’re so Alpha that the world has refused to acknowledge your greatness, right? So Alpha that you have to continually remind the world what it owes you? So Alpha that you have to tell women you’re an Alpha and threaten them to get what you want?

Do I have it right?

I thought being an Alpha was about being so strong and dominant that women just naturally give you what you want. I thought being an Alpha was so clear that you’d never have to tell people about your Alpha status.

(We won’t even get into the fact that being an Alpha is not actually a thing, because I know your brain will explode).

But no, there’s a whole world of bros who are super jazzed up about being Alphas because they have…

*checks notes*

A job?

Congratulations, bro. Welcome to adulthood, where everyone has to have a job.

I guess we’re all Alphas. I guess I’m an Alpha.

Get on your knees, bitch.

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