Chronic grumpiness: How men use bad moods to control their partners (paid subscriber bonus)

When you never learn to control your emotions, you expect everyone else to manage them for you--and can extract a lot of free labor in the process.

This is part of a series of bonus content for paid subscribers in which I address some of the weapons men use to deflect blame and avoid accountability. Previous pieces in this series have included:

• The weapons sexist men use: “I’m just joking!”

• The weapons sexist men use in fights: “We just have different standards!”

• The weapons sexist men use in fights: Blaming women for their reactions to bad behavior

• The weapons men use in fights: “You’re never satisfied with anything!”

• The arguments sexist men use in fights—and what they really mean

• The most important tool men use to maintain household labor inequality

• The weapons men use in fights: “You’re so controlling! Stop policing me!”

You can find the whole series here.

If you believe the way men behave, they’re deeply unhappy and angry most of the time—at least they are when moodiness is unlikely to affect their well-being.

Somehow, most men manage to act normal at work, around friends, around people whose opinion they care about. But over and over again, readers tell me about men whose moodiness erodes the well-being of an entire family, destroys every vacation, and makes it impossible for anyone to ever relax.

The bad moods come in two basic flavors:

1. The hostile, aggressive version: The aggressive man reacts swiftly and angrily when he does not get his way. He may smash things, call his partner names, or sulk for days. His bad mood can make the entire household feel anxious and uncertain.

2. The pathetic, demanding version: The pathetic man constantly puts his misery on display, demanding endless emotional support from his partner for even the smallest slights. He offers no emotional support in return—and if she demands it, he may become aggressive. His bad mood makes an entire household feel like they can’t enjoy themselves.

We all have mood swings from time to time. Emotionally healthy people, though, feel generally responsible for their behavior and their moods, and endeavor to control both.

Entitled manbabies blame everyone else, and demand they all suffer through their moodiness. This can look like:

• giving the silent treatment whenever he doesn’t get his way

• spending days sulking after a minor fight

• taking work disputes out on the family

• ruining every vacation or holiday with a bad mood

• doing nothing to help with presents, parties, or other major undertakings, then sulking when the event arrives

• reacting to everything anyone else says with hostility and derision

• making no effort to be pleasant

• valuing his own time and needs over everyone else’s

• expecting effort and affection from others that he never offers, and for which he never shows gratitude

• a sense of entitlement

So why do so many men do this? And why is it so effective? To understand this, you must first understand that most men are never taught that they must make others comfortable by regulating their emotions.