It can be daunting to try to detach in so many ways - emotionally, financially, sexually, physically etc - and can feel deeply lonely. After all, this was the person you thought you’d spend your life with, share your hopes and dreams and sorrows and joys with, who would lift you up when you were down and cheer you on when you were up.
In addition to these tips I would add that investing deeply in other social connections (female friendships or even just finding a supportive community at work or school etc) makes it a lot easier to detach from douchebags. We all still have emotional, relational and social needs and finding other ways to meet them was a must for me. It helped me stop craving intimacy and equality in a relationship that was never going to fulfil those needs.
That said you do need to choose your friends very wisely in this vulnerable time - I gravitated towards women who were empathic and supportive of my decisions and who showed me that it was ok to expect more, who affirmed my sanity, who didn’t gaslight me or throw toxic positivity at me or tell me I just needed to do more self-care and have more bubble baths, and who could hold space for me when I was having a hard day. My therapist didn’t really help tbh and I didn’t feel like 1-hour-a-week was enough by way of social support, and my mental health recovered amazingly when I really focused on intentionally deepening my female friendships.
Great ideas! May I also add that 12 step meetings (online amd local) are often full of supportive people. There are 12 step programmes for just about any and everything. And they're free of charge (just voluntary donation).
PLEASE if you are considering an "exit plan" of any sort: GET PROFESSIONAL ADVISEMENT & DIRECT ONGOING ASSISTANCE from a DOMESTIC VIOLENCE GROUP OR CENTER. I appreciate this post, but if anyone is in this position, they must get help with professionals TRAINED in DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. They can help abuse victims manage finances, relationships, trauma triggers, PTSD, and more even while they are still having to live in an abusive situation.
Zawn, The title of this post set off major alarm bells for me. There is no "Ultimate Guide" to this. There is only an Individual Guide, which can be built carefully with professional advisement. Women, mothers, and children are in unsafe situations. When we begin talking about abuse, financial abuse, psychological abuse, control and emotional abuse, these things make victims actually unsafe. An abusive partner can harm you financially without you knowing it, can do a number on your psychological wellbeing and these are delicate matters involving short AND long-term safety.
Therefore, what is needed, is for each individual to find their own pathway, but it is SAFEST to do so with professional advisement. Your unique pathway is yours, and yours alone. Only you know what your intuition is saying, but the professionals can help you uncover that voice slowly and with support--that THIS can reveal your best path forward, and your timeline. You can actually make a real plan...to start saving money discreetly, & setting up a very strong plan to get out! They can help you see some of the pitfalls before you hit them--and this can be so critical in someone successfully using an exit plan with as little damage as possible. There is usually damage, but professional assistance is so helpful.
In my experience and what I've witnessed of others, lawyers are also not a "first" to lean heavily on--they are extremely expensive. Rather, turning to a DV resource is best for those "quiet quitting" or actually PLANNING to leave an abusive marriage because they offer cost-effective and usually free, direct, ongoing assistance to walk survivors through the very complex process of what their INDIVIDUAL "leaving" looks like, even if that involves "staying." Attorneys can help for some advice, but if "quiet quitting" or "leaving" is not something you want to spent lavish thousands (or tens of thousands) on like it's free air, you would want to build slowly up to that point of talking to an attorney. Getting some hourly legal advice can help, but maybe not "hiring" or retaining a lawyer for a long while is best. There may be groups, workshops or other avenues to expose yourself to legal advice, but not in an expensive 1-1 setting. (Remember that the system is not set up to help victims, but really, it screws victims--so trying to exhaust all free and low-cost resources over time is a great plan.)
Working with people who understand and are trained in the very unique circumstances of the abuse you are living with is essential. Attorneys and many other well-meaning professionals do not always see what these folks do. Additionally, find a therapist, maybe a few to bring your kids to as well, start quietly educating your kids about the ups and downs of their situation, watch TV shows with them that celebrate good relationships, talk to them about love and treating people well. Show them and make them participate in good helping of each other, read and for yourself as you are "planning:" explore everything you can get your hands on (private FB groups, websites, blogs like this one, articles, academic studies, podcasts...everything!) and then you will be educating yourself all about domestic violence and abuse--so you'll be "planning" all along but will be gathering momentum as you go. When you have more knowledge, you will be much more prepared to work with the lawyers and other professionals to achieve what you want.
Lastly, a few recommendations: Tina Swithin's work and groups are helpful. Sometimes re-traumatizing, but great for seeing the crappy real picture of family court AND talking to other women in this situation. Carol Lambert's book about Controlling Partners is a helpful starting point. Anything Lundy Bancroft has written is validating and helpful, though sad. He is a saint. Getting involved with authors, books, podcasts, apps, and private online groups that resonate with you will help you gather info, read about other people's stories, and strategize. For some, coaches are very, very helpful and much more cost-effective than starting with an attorney.
This is great advice, but this is a guide to quiet quitting, not leaving an abusive relationship. You can find a bunch of resources on that particular topic in previous posts. I'm sorry you don't like the headline.
Zawn, I apologize for being reactive. It was concerning to me to see conflation of abuse and quiet quitting within your post: "Critical to exit planning is having an actual plan. This seems obvious enough, but when you’re in the throes of an abusive or destructive relationship, it can be difficult to step outside of the chaos and look to the future." I do see you talking in the post, several times, about abuse or what to do if you are "in an abusive relationship."
I hope this all helps women who decide to "stay" to feel normalized and not like shitty humans. This entire system is complex and unfair to women and mothers--and it is so important that women feel empowered in what they are choosing. Your post is full of empowering advice to help women develop a plan for their future.
You have nothing to apologize for! The truth is that none of these issues can possibly be covered in a single work--even a book--because there is SO much nuance and complexity. I can only hope that I cover most of it, or at least the main considerations, over time.
Thank you for this fantastic article. If I had known better, in 2018 when I finally realized the marriage was irritrievably broken, this would have been a fantastic guide for me.
The only thing I would add is this:
Go to your local library and talk with the librarian. Not “someone who works there,” but the actual Librarian. Ask them, “Are you a Librarian?” If they are, they will immediately say “yes.” If they hesitate, they are not, but should quickly point you to the correct person.
Librarians are trained to find any kind of information for anyone. If you need help finding services in your state / town / county / neighborhood, they will help you find those. Any kind of services - lawyers, banking, childcare, food, housing, shelters, job programs. Everything.
Take advantage of your local library. There is also a book there that I read the day I realized I was done - it’s called “How To Know When It’s Time To Go.” I sat at my library one evening when what’s-his-name was passed out from too much alcohol, again (and my kids were young teens and fine alone), and the entire book - every page - told me, “it’s time to go.”
In addition, you can set up a new email and only access it at the library so if your phone has been cloned, you can still have email that is private. You can email yourself all kinds of things like dates, timelines, phone numbers, notes, information.
Your local library is free. They want to help the community. Ever since the dawn of the Internet, libraries are going down in demand. Librarians want to help their local community. It’s what they went to school for. And it’s free.
Also, what judge is going to get mad at you, if your phone is tracked, for going to the library. None. 😆 it’s a safe space to rest.
I would add that if it is safe and manageable for you to do so, keep an informal diary (not for court or legal purposes like the type Zawn talks about) about your feelings during this time. Just write whatever you are feeling. It can help to look back on those entries, whether you're still in the relationship or not, and see things a little bit from a distance to counteract whatever gaslighting you're getting at the time. I wrote one single screed when I was in an abusive relationship that I read to my therapist years later who was like "Jesus Christ yes that is textbook abuse" and it was extremely validating.
I use the Daylio app to record my mood, activities, and a brief note about the day. Now if I search for my ex's name most of the notes are of how he was a dick to me and it's really good to read back on them all together and go "oh yeah, that was shit"
These are all very good (with the added bit that if a woman flees without her kids, it can bite her in the ass come custody time as it can be flagged as abandonment -- so you're definitely spot on to recommend leaving with the kids after DV).
My biggest piece of advice is set a timeline and then expect that to be cut in half. I thought I had years to get my things in order based on how reliably lazy and exploitative my STBX was. The kids were young, I started to go back to school, I let ex do whatever he wanted. I thought the quiet quitting would help, but it turned out that my ex got off on the fights and power struggles. That's when he started abusing the kids. Altogether it took 10 months from me gradually quiet quitting to PPO.
It can be daunting to try to detach in so many ways - emotionally, financially, sexually, physically etc - and can feel deeply lonely. After all, this was the person you thought you’d spend your life with, share your hopes and dreams and sorrows and joys with, who would lift you up when you were down and cheer you on when you were up.
In addition to these tips I would add that investing deeply in other social connections (female friendships or even just finding a supportive community at work or school etc) makes it a lot easier to detach from douchebags. We all still have emotional, relational and social needs and finding other ways to meet them was a must for me. It helped me stop craving intimacy and equality in a relationship that was never going to fulfil those needs.
That said you do need to choose your friends very wisely in this vulnerable time - I gravitated towards women who were empathic and supportive of my decisions and who showed me that it was ok to expect more, who affirmed my sanity, who didn’t gaslight me or throw toxic positivity at me or tell me I just needed to do more self-care and have more bubble baths, and who could hold space for me when I was having a hard day. My therapist didn’t really help tbh and I didn’t feel like 1-hour-a-week was enough by way of social support, and my mental health recovered amazingly when I really focused on intentionally deepening my female friendships.
Great ideas! May I also add that 12 step meetings (online amd local) are often full of supportive people. There are 12 step programmes for just about any and everything. And they're free of charge (just voluntary donation).
PLEASE if you are considering an "exit plan" of any sort: GET PROFESSIONAL ADVISEMENT & DIRECT ONGOING ASSISTANCE from a DOMESTIC VIOLENCE GROUP OR CENTER. I appreciate this post, but if anyone is in this position, they must get help with professionals TRAINED in DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. They can help abuse victims manage finances, relationships, trauma triggers, PTSD, and more even while they are still having to live in an abusive situation.
Zawn, The title of this post set off major alarm bells for me. There is no "Ultimate Guide" to this. There is only an Individual Guide, which can be built carefully with professional advisement. Women, mothers, and children are in unsafe situations. When we begin talking about abuse, financial abuse, psychological abuse, control and emotional abuse, these things make victims actually unsafe. An abusive partner can harm you financially without you knowing it, can do a number on your psychological wellbeing and these are delicate matters involving short AND long-term safety.
Therefore, what is needed, is for each individual to find their own pathway, but it is SAFEST to do so with professional advisement. Your unique pathway is yours, and yours alone. Only you know what your intuition is saying, but the professionals can help you uncover that voice slowly and with support--that THIS can reveal your best path forward, and your timeline. You can actually make a real plan...to start saving money discreetly, & setting up a very strong plan to get out! They can help you see some of the pitfalls before you hit them--and this can be so critical in someone successfully using an exit plan with as little damage as possible. There is usually damage, but professional assistance is so helpful.
In my experience and what I've witnessed of others, lawyers are also not a "first" to lean heavily on--they are extremely expensive. Rather, turning to a DV resource is best for those "quiet quitting" or actually PLANNING to leave an abusive marriage because they offer cost-effective and usually free, direct, ongoing assistance to walk survivors through the very complex process of what their INDIVIDUAL "leaving" looks like, even if that involves "staying." Attorneys can help for some advice, but if "quiet quitting" or "leaving" is not something you want to spent lavish thousands (or tens of thousands) on like it's free air, you would want to build slowly up to that point of talking to an attorney. Getting some hourly legal advice can help, but maybe not "hiring" or retaining a lawyer for a long while is best. There may be groups, workshops or other avenues to expose yourself to legal advice, but not in an expensive 1-1 setting. (Remember that the system is not set up to help victims, but really, it screws victims--so trying to exhaust all free and low-cost resources over time is a great plan.)
Working with people who understand and are trained in the very unique circumstances of the abuse you are living with is essential. Attorneys and many other well-meaning professionals do not always see what these folks do. Additionally, find a therapist, maybe a few to bring your kids to as well, start quietly educating your kids about the ups and downs of their situation, watch TV shows with them that celebrate good relationships, talk to them about love and treating people well. Show them and make them participate in good helping of each other, read and for yourself as you are "planning:" explore everything you can get your hands on (private FB groups, websites, blogs like this one, articles, academic studies, podcasts...everything!) and then you will be educating yourself all about domestic violence and abuse--so you'll be "planning" all along but will be gathering momentum as you go. When you have more knowledge, you will be much more prepared to work with the lawyers and other professionals to achieve what you want.
Lastly, a few recommendations: Tina Swithin's work and groups are helpful. Sometimes re-traumatizing, but great for seeing the crappy real picture of family court AND talking to other women in this situation. Carol Lambert's book about Controlling Partners is a helpful starting point. Anything Lundy Bancroft has written is validating and helpful, though sad. He is a saint. Getting involved with authors, books, podcasts, apps, and private online groups that resonate with you will help you gather info, read about other people's stories, and strategize. For some, coaches are very, very helpful and much more cost-effective than starting with an attorney.
Good luck and so much love, mamas & women.
This is great advice, but this is a guide to quiet quitting, not leaving an abusive relationship. You can find a bunch of resources on that particular topic in previous posts. I'm sorry you don't like the headline.
Zawn, I apologize for being reactive. It was concerning to me to see conflation of abuse and quiet quitting within your post: "Critical to exit planning is having an actual plan. This seems obvious enough, but when you’re in the throes of an abusive or destructive relationship, it can be difficult to step outside of the chaos and look to the future." I do see you talking in the post, several times, about abuse or what to do if you are "in an abusive relationship."
I feel your post is talking about both (quiet quitting and exiting abuse) and thankfully, you did document that and you linked a great article about leaving abuse: https://zawn.substack.com/p/resources-for-women-in-crisis-escaping?utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email
I hope this all helps women who decide to "stay" to feel normalized and not like shitty humans. This entire system is complex and unfair to women and mothers--and it is so important that women feel empowered in what they are choosing. Your post is full of empowering advice to help women develop a plan for their future.
Thank you!
You have nothing to apologize for! The truth is that none of these issues can possibly be covered in a single work--even a book--because there is SO much nuance and complexity. I can only hope that I cover most of it, or at least the main considerations, over time.
Thank you for this fantastic article. If I had known better, in 2018 when I finally realized the marriage was irritrievably broken, this would have been a fantastic guide for me.
The only thing I would add is this:
Go to your local library and talk with the librarian. Not “someone who works there,” but the actual Librarian. Ask them, “Are you a Librarian?” If they are, they will immediately say “yes.” If they hesitate, they are not, but should quickly point you to the correct person.
Librarians are trained to find any kind of information for anyone. If you need help finding services in your state / town / county / neighborhood, they will help you find those. Any kind of services - lawyers, banking, childcare, food, housing, shelters, job programs. Everything.
Take advantage of your local library. There is also a book there that I read the day I realized I was done - it’s called “How To Know When It’s Time To Go.” I sat at my library one evening when what’s-his-name was passed out from too much alcohol, again (and my kids were young teens and fine alone), and the entire book - every page - told me, “it’s time to go.”
In addition, you can set up a new email and only access it at the library so if your phone has been cloned, you can still have email that is private. You can email yourself all kinds of things like dates, timelines, phone numbers, notes, information.
Your local library is free. They want to help the community. Ever since the dawn of the Internet, libraries are going down in demand. Librarians want to help their local community. It’s what they went to school for. And it’s free.
Also, what judge is going to get mad at you, if your phone is tracked, for going to the library. None. 😆 it’s a safe space to rest.
I love so much your comment about the library and librarians, Thank you for that.
I would add that if it is safe and manageable for you to do so, keep an informal diary (not for court or legal purposes like the type Zawn talks about) about your feelings during this time. Just write whatever you are feeling. It can help to look back on those entries, whether you're still in the relationship or not, and see things a little bit from a distance to counteract whatever gaslighting you're getting at the time. I wrote one single screed when I was in an abusive relationship that I read to my therapist years later who was like "Jesus Christ yes that is textbook abuse" and it was extremely validating.
I use the Daylio app to record my mood, activities, and a brief note about the day. Now if I search for my ex's name most of the notes are of how he was a dick to me and it's really good to read back on them all together and go "oh yeah, that was shit"
These are all very good (with the added bit that if a woman flees without her kids, it can bite her in the ass come custody time as it can be flagged as abandonment -- so you're definitely spot on to recommend leaving with the kids after DV).
My biggest piece of advice is set a timeline and then expect that to be cut in half. I thought I had years to get my things in order based on how reliably lazy and exploitative my STBX was. The kids were young, I started to go back to school, I let ex do whatever he wanted. I thought the quiet quitting would help, but it turned out that my ex got off on the fights and power struggles. That's when he started abusing the kids. Altogether it took 10 months from me gradually quiet quitting to PPO.