Building your exit plan: The ultimate guide to quiet quitting

Quiet quitting isn't a permanent solution. It's a way to get from here to there.

A little over a year ago, I urged people to quiet quit their marriages when nothing else works but they’re not yet able to leave. This, though, compels the question: what comes next? And what exactly should people be doing as they’re quiet quitting?

Quiet quitting should not be a permanent state. It’s also not an act of revenge. It’s a chance to preserve as much of your energy as possible to prepare to leave. I tell people all the time to think about their exit plan. What exactly does this mean, though?

Critical to exit planning is having an actual plan. This seems obvious enough, but when you’re in the throes of an abusive or destructive relationship, it can be difficult to step outside of the chaos and look to the future. Before you know it, you’ve wasted another decade or two and are no closer to an escape.

Your plan is the best gift you can give yourself. It sets you up for the earliest possible escape, but it also offers something else: it assures you that this is temporary, that this is not all life has to offer you, that you are more than this. In the worst moments, it can keep you pressing on, secure in the knowledge that you have a path to better.

Every marriage is different. Every person is different, and it is impossible to address every conceivable scenario. In general, though, here’s how your exit plan should proceed.

Make sure you’re really ready to do this

The purpose of quiet quitting is not to save your marriage or change your partner’s behavior. It’s to preserve as much of your well-being as you can as you work to exit the marriage. You should only quiet quit your marriage if you are sure it can’t be saved. And the truth is, if you’re even contemplating quiet quitting, your marriage is likely unsalvageable, since women get so much pressure to keep trying at all costs.

Quiet quitting techniques would be at best mean and at worst abusive in a marriage you hoped to save. That’s because relationships require commitment and reciprocity; quiet quitting involves abandoning both.

You can still have feelings for your soon-to-be-ex. You can want him to change, grieve the marriage, and wish things were different. These are completely normal reactions. But you can no longer waste your precious energy, sacrificing endless hours of your one and only life, trying to convince him to care or change.

Quiet quitting means turning the page to a chapter where you understand that it’s not going to get better, and that his opinions no longer need to matter. Quiet quitting is about prioritizing yourself over the relationship—and ultimately, sacrificing the relationship in service of your future.

Identify the reason you can’t leave yet—then work to change it

Women are socialized from birth to over-value romantic relationships, and to view a broken marriage as a sign of profound failure. Many women reflexively believe they can’t or shouldn’t leave, that leaving is breaking up the family, or that leaving will be devastating.

These are positions women are socialized to have, and they keep you trapped.

Now that you’ve decided your relationship is unsalvageable, it’s time to identify the specific reason or reasons you aren’t leaving yet. Are you worried about child custody? Are you financially dependent? Does leaving feel physically unsafe?

Sacrificing your entire life to a bad relationship is not an option. Nor is biding your time on an uncertain timeline, in the hopes things will someday get better, or that an answer will reveal itself.

You deserve better, and you deserve it as soon as possible.

So start making a list of the things you need to have in place to leave. Maybe your kids need to be of age, or old enough to fend for themselves, or to assert their wishes in a custody dispute. Maybe you need to go back to work, or to have sufficient savings, or to have an adequate support system.

Whatever it is, it’s time to list it out, then break up how you’re going to get there into actionable goals.

But first, you need a reality check from an actual expert who can tell you what’s most likely to transpire when you finally do leave.

Get high-quality legal advice

The Internet is filled with horror stories about terrible divorces, as well as well-meaning advice about what you absolutely must do. The truth, though, is that what happens to someone in another state or country has little bearing on what will happen to you, because laws vary greatly from region to region. And even in the same area, with the same laws, two people can get very different outcomes based on highly specific individual facts—as well, frankly, as the bias of the judge, guardian ad litem, and other decisionmakers in their case.

This means that you have literally no idea what is likely to happen, nor how the law applies in your case until you have sought high quality legal advice from several competent sources. You need, at minimum, two opinions.

Remember that lawyers are like any other professional; some work harder and are better at their jobs than others. So seek out someone who has experience with and a track record in cases like yours. You need someone who knows how to present the facts of your case in a way that is likely to win.

Seeking legal advice early in the process is absolutely critical, and here’s why: it allows you to better plan your exit. You might, for example, learn that it is very important to begin documenting your spouse’s assets, or to report abuse to a third party, or to document your contributions to the family. The time to do this is when you’re still in the marriage.

What you learn from your lawyer may also affect your timeline. Perhaps it’s very unlikely your partner will get joint custody, freeing you to leave sooner. Or maybe 50/50 is always the default where you live.

If you cannot afford a lawyer, you need to do everything you can to raise funds. Know also that many organizations offer free or low cost legal services. And, you’re only seeking a consultation at this point. Many lawyers offer free consultations, and even when they don’t, a consultation is more affordable than hiring for a full suite of legal services.

You owe it to yourself, your kids, and your future to seek competent legal advice—not to rely on horror stories or unwarranted promises you find online. Paying for legal advice is like paying for medical care. It’s something you need, and you must prioritize it, even if it takes a year or a credit card to afford it.

Document everything

If there is abuse, financial exploitation, or any other issue that could become relevant when you split—or that you could use as leverage when negotiating your split—now is the time to document it.

It is especially important to document abuse, and to seek help for it. Because if your partner abuses you or your kids for years and you only mention it after leaving, you look vindictive. Instead, get the kids in therapy and seek help for the abuse. Tell a doctor. Tell a friend. Take pictures.

Perhaps most importantly, contact a DV advocacy organization for guidance and help. Some orgs are better than others, so it’s best to contact multiple groups.

I have a comprehensive resource guide for women planning to leave here.

Build your timeline

Armed with a little legal knowledge and an honest understanding of your reason for staying, you can begin building your timeline for departure. Break things down into actionable, clear, specific goals. For example, if you need to earn more money, you might start with applying to a certification program, or writing a resume, or working part-time. Establish a timeline for each of these actions. The goal here is to be able to connect the small actions you undertake each day to the ultimate end: getting out. When you have a clear and specific plan, it’s easier to sustain your motivation over the long-term.

I write more about planning to leave and using your resources here.

Become an expert at grey rocking

Misogynist men use fighting as a way to steal their partners’ time and keep them in a constant state of fight or flight. When you’re still trying to resolve problems in the relationship, the uncertainty and chaos these fights create lasts well past the end of the argument.

Grey rocking is a way for you to set boundaries even if your partner ignores them, and to spend less time on pointless, fruitless fighting.

The idea is to make arguing with you as uninteresting and unrewarding as possible by giving as little as you can and investing nothing in these arguments. This way, even if your partner insists on continuing these fights, they don’t leave you in a permanent state of emotional turmoil.

Some general principles to adopt include:

• Stop defending yourself and trying to convince him you’re right. You can just respond to his long diatribes with, “ok,” or even not respond at all. The one exception to this rule is if he makes a serious allegation in writing—say, that you hit your child or stole from someone. Say clearly and specifically: “That’s not true, and you know it’s not true, and I would never do that,” but don’t get into a long back and forth. You can end the discussion by saying, “That’s not true and I’m not going to keep arguing with you about something that is not true.” Pretend someone else is reading—because someday they might be.

• Be clear and direct when you have to communicate. No beating around the bush or passive aggression. “John is out of school at three. Will you pick him up?” Then disengage if he tries to pull you into anything else.

• Ignore his guilt trips and self-loathing and other assorted bullshit. If he threatens self-harm, take the threat seriously but do not take it upon yourself to “fix” him. Instead, contact the appropriate resource for your area—the police, a crisis line, 988 in the United States.

• Know that he is going to say and do mean things and try to make you feel awful. Responding will make you feel worse. You do not have to listen. You do not have to respond. You do not have to read every text. Eventually, he may view your lack of complaints and engagement as a sign that things are improving—remember, abusive men view women as appliances and think we shouldn't have feelings. So he might become nicer.

• Do not rely on him for any form of emotional support. He’s the obnoxious intruder you unfortunately have to live with for now, nothing more.

• Grey rocking is not the silent treatment. It is the minimum level of socially acceptable engagement. It’s how you might engage with a stranger or friendly acquaintance. The idea is to reduce conflict, not punish him.

• Remember always that engagement rewards his abuse. Resist the temptation to defend yourself, comfort him, justify yourself, or anything else. He’s an abuser. He deserves nothing.

Build in as much comfort and support as you can

Quiet quitting should free up some of your time to enjoy the life you have now, even if things are imperfect or frequently awful. Eliminate as much unnecessary work as possible. Quit having sex with your spouse and use that time to sleep or pursue a hobby. Stop doing date nights or other activities that bring you no joy. Stop doing your partner’s laundry or other chores that won’t harm you to quit. Clear as much time-stealing clutter from your life.

Then look around to how you can maximize your comfort in your current situation:

• How can you maintain a home that feels good to you with as little effort as possible? If your spouse trashes the house, could you stop cleaning it all up and focus on building a sanctuary you can easily clean and escape to?

• What can you do to get more childcare so you can spend more time with yourself and pursue your dreams?

• How can you do something you love every day?

• What can you do to focus on building more relationships outside of the marriage?

• Can you improve your health?

• What can you do to cultivate resilience and detachment? Don’t go to couples therapy. Focus on yourself in individual counseling instead.

Develop an emergency exit plan

In an ideal world, you’ll take all the time you need to make the safest and most graceful exit possible.

But what if he starts hitting you or your kids? What if he files for divorce and it’s go time? What if he loses his job and you no longer gain financial security from staying with him? What if he, or the situation, gets worse?

Your emergency plan should come first, so that you can leave on a dime if you need to. I write more about that here, but some things to consider include:

• Is there a place you can go immediately, such as a safe hotel or a friend’s house? Can you trust at least one other person?

• Can you access emergency short-term money, such as through a credit card? If not, what can you do to change that? Many women start stashing gift cards or small bits of cash every time they shop for groceries.

• Do you have a go bag for you and your children?

• Do you have a quick plan for getting out with your kids? Abusers can turn their abuse to the kids, even if they’ve never done so before, so never leave without the children.

• Do you have contact information for local advocates and shelters?

• Can you decouple your finances from his, so that you can use your money without being traced by him?

Readers, what helped you the most in your exit planning? What tips can you offer?

Editing to add: This is by no means a comprehensive guide to managing or leaving an abusive relationship. This is about quiet quitting. Learn more about leaving an abusive relationship here, here, and here.