Feminist Advice Friday: Can my husband still be abusive if he's really nice most of the time?

He tells me that I push him over the edge, and that's why he explodes.

A reader asks…

My relationship is probably not like most of the abusive relationships you talk about. My husband is really, really nice. We split things somewhat equally. He’s gentle and good with the kids. He apologizes when he’s wrong, listens to my feelings, provides me with love and support.

Except when I make him mad. And then it’s like a switch gets flipped. Every few months, he becomes really verbally abusive, and he’s slapped me a couple times. He calls me names. He takes advantage of all my vulnerabilities to say the most hurtful, wounding possible things. He also breaks things. I’m scared he might kill me when this happens.

I don’t know how to reconcile this with how nice he is most of the time, and when he is like this, he tells me it’s because I’ve emotionally abused him to the breaking point.

My Answer

One of the most interesting things about doing this work is that every single woman who writes to me thinks that her relationship is not like the other relationships I write about. These are women who read my work enough to feel comfortable writing to me. So they likely agree with me about a lot.

They know what I think—and still, they can’t fully see themselves in the abusive relationships I talk about. Because they’ve grown up in a society that tells them women deserve and can expect a certain amount of abuse if they step out of line. And because the person who is supposed to love her most has devoted himself to convincing her that she deserves mistreatment.

One of the things we’ve done a really bad job, culturally, of talking about is this: one of the main reasons women stay with abusers is that they love them. And not all abusers set out deliberately to undermine and harm their victims. This doesn’t negate the impact of the abuse. Abusers do not need to intentionally be monsters to hurt others. Indeed, this is one of the many reasons it’s so harmful to label everyone who behaves abusively as a “narcissist,” or to devote so much time vilifying abusers. Doing this negates the fact that abuse is normalized in our culture, and that even well-intentioned people can behave abusively.

These are some entry-level things anyone working with abuse survivors needs to understand, but maybe they’re beside the point for this question:

Reader, what you have outlined is the classic cycle of abuse. Abusers are almost never abusive all the time. In fact, one of the main ways abusers control their victims is by being kind to them. You walk away from an episode of abuse to a partner who’s so very loving, and wonder if you misremembered the whole thing, or if maybe you did something to deserve it.

But you didn’t, because no one deserves abuse. Even if you were an absolutely terrible spouse you would not deserve to have your most significant vulnerabilities weaponized against you.

Fundamental to the cycle of abuse is the notion that the abuse victim deserves it. Almost no one ever sets out deliberately to abuse another person. Almost no one wakes up and says, “Hey, I feel like exploiting someone and destroying their sense of self for no reason today. Can’t wait!” Instead, what happens is the abuser believes that some behaviors warrant brutal treatment. This belief—that extremely bad behavior by another person should suspend the normal rules of human interaction—is the belief that all abusive people share in common. Because it is the belief that enables abuse. All you have to do is find something “terrible” the other person has done. And in a patriarchal society, a large group of men believe that anything women do that’s not completely subservient and male-centered is terrible.

It’s why you hear so many men claim that infidelity warrants abuse, or that infidelity is abuse. Because then they can abuse their partners if they accuse them of infidelity. It’s why so many men view the mere act of trying to resolve a problem by clearly articulating it as a form of emotional abuse. Because in patriarchal socialization, women aren’t allowed to demand things of men, and men certainly aren’t required to make sacrifices for women.

What about this thing where he claims you’re abusive and push him over the edge? Well, that’s part of this cycle I’m talking about. He has to justify his abuse somehow, so that he can still feel like a good person. And the easiest way to do that is by convincing you both that you’re the real abuser.

If you were abusive yourself—many abusers, after all, try to convince their partners that they are the real abusers—then that would be even more reason to get out of this relationship. So whether you’re a great partner or a terrible one, it’s time to leave.

I’m not going to claim that he can’t change. People can and do change. But it’s his business whether or not he does. Abusers do not change when they’re in an actively abusive relationship, because there is no incentive to change.

The only hope for change is to get out. And it’s the only way to reduce the risk that the abuse escalates and he one day actually kills you.

You deserve better because everyone does. You do not have to be perfect to deserve not being abused. Being a living being is enough to deserve not being abused.

Readers, what do you think?

Edit: I’ve gotten some great feedback from readers. Christi reminds me to remind everyone that the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the target of the abuse leaves, so it is important to have a safety plan.

Another helpful note is in the comments, but I didn’t want it to go unseen: “I can’t recommend Don Hennessy’s books enough for this type of thing. He’s the only researcher I’ve found who focuses on the *sexual* lives of these relationships- which is often where the abuse shows up first, and is often the entire reason or purpose for these men’s behavior everywhere else. Wives are focused on everything else in the relationship but it’s all about ensuring he’s fully colonized a female body that will always be sexually accessible, but with none of the “inconveniences” that a fully ensouled female body would usually impose on him as the conditions of a relationship.”