Wow. I really needed to read that!!!! This relates to me on so many levels, but especially the infidelity part. After 25 years of not realising I was in an abusive relationship, I met a man who is the exact opposite of my husband. He was kind, gentle, calm, empathetic, a great listener, willing to learn and grow , incredibly patient and I loved spending time with him. A marriage counsellor called it an “emotional affair”, there was no sex. Of course, it makes me the worlds worst person, often gets brought up at unexpected times, and is the reason my husband is always angry. I’m not sure what his excuse for always being angry BEFORE the affair were! He’s even gone as far as telling our 7 year old son that I had a boyfriend and that’s why he gets angry with him, so Mr 7 often tells me it’s my fault that Dad is angry as well. Now I see it’s just another control tactic. He pushed me to the brink for years and now uses my breaking point to push me further.
Hey, letter writer: I'm going to tell you a little story.
My female partner died of progressive neurological decline and a terminal seizure disorder. As she slowly lost her cognitive abilities, she also lost her "filter." She became wildly impulsive, angry, and verbally abusive. A complete 180 from the person I fell in love with. And of course she knew all my deep, dark secrets as we'd been together for some time. I am still haunted by some of the things she said in her last few months of life.
I had scans, tests, and a top academic neurologist demonstrating to me in no uncertain terms that my partner literally, physically, *neurologically* could not help what she was doing. Obviously she didn't deserve any punishment or retaliation for what she could not help doing.
That never made it hurt any less. It also didn't mean I deserved it, and had she not eventually died I very well might have had to make the difficult decision to leave her and make other arrangements for her care. Her care team helped me with resources in the event we got that far. It was that bad.
So the only question is: What pathetic excuse does your fully functional spouse have? None, that's what. Fuck him. You are being abused and there is NO excuse. Get gone and get your kids out from under this asshole. Everybody deserves better than abuse. EVERYONE.
All very helpful. I'll add, in case the letter writer happens to see this -- leaving can be a very long process. Don't be too hard on yourself if it takes several attempts. Don't think that if you happen to go back once or twice, that means you're consigned to staying for good. Take the time you need to find a way to leave that's as safe and supportive and healing for you as possible. Unfortunately, society doesn't offer much support, but do what you can to find a way to leave that feels safe and right for you. It will be easier to leave for good if you have a plan and new things to look forward to.
Another thing -- his abusive behavior does not reflect badly on you. This is totally about him. It's not because you picked wrongly or you were inviting abuse or any of the other victim-blaming narratives that circulate. If he were with any other woman in the world, he'd likely be the same way. One thing that really helped me understand this was reading a survivor of abuse who wrote, essentially, everyone thinks, oh that would never happen to me. I would never put up with that kind of relationship. And, it's true, you at your best wouldn't. Women often wind up in abusive relationships when they've had some kind of upheaval or loss -- moved to a new place, lost a job, lost a significant person in their support network. Some time after you've had a chance to establish yourself away from this relationship and recover, it can be worth reflecting on your circumstances and whether there was something that put you at risk of entering such a relationship, as a means to empower and protect yourself in the future Please know that you did not do anything to deserve this. As Zawn points out, no one deserves abusive behavior.
In my marriage, it’s been withholding of sex and affection. My son has told me that I’m not affectionate and I reminded him that I try to hug and kiss him every night at bedtime and he pulls away and turns his head. He admitted that he does that and says he’s uncomfortable with affection because he never sees it. It kills me that he’s learned this despite my attempts to be affectionate with him.
Ooo boy, did I need to read this today. I've spent so much time trying to parse out what is my husband and what is his alcoholism, how my situation matches the stories of abuse and how it differs...but it really doesn't matter, does it? He's treating me badly and isn't stopping, and I don't want to live this way. I'm going to reach out to my work's legal employee assistance to start talking options.
I feel for you hard. This is similar to what I went through in my 9 year relationship with my ex-husband. He was so, so nice and sweet to me the vast majority of the time. We were best friends. He was well-loved by everyone. And he used to beat the shit out of me when his anger during an argument escalated past his point of no return. He kicked me in the ribs, punched me in the face, spit on me, threw me into walls, pulled my hair out, slapped me, destroyed all my things, abandoned me in random places as he sped off into the night. I endured all of it. And I never told a single soul. I covered up bruises. I made up stories to explain bruises I couldn't cover. I went to urgent care to make sure my bones weren't broken. I did all of that because he was so, so nice to me and so beloved by my family and friends. This went on for years. We finally divorced after he cheated on me and then gaslit me that it wasn't cheating. That was more than I could endure. And still, I told no one. I got into therapy toward the end and there I finally discovered that I was in an abusive relationship. It took 8 years to figure that out. Because my relationship was "different" than your "typical" abusive relationship. Because he was so, so nice.
Yes yes yes!!! The idea that you don’t need to prove he’s an abuser, or even a very specific defined abuser (narcissistic, etc) is so important! I spent so much mental energy there in order to justify leaving. And all that energy eventually was used against me when I did leave. If you feel this may be your situation, go ahead and leave (maybe not physically, but emotionally in the marriage). If he’s not an abuser and just very emotionally immature (and maybe you are as well), it’s possible that you both can learn new ways of conflict resolution, do self-reflection, break co-dependence, and maybe get back together. But, most of the time what I’ve seen is when we leave the world becomes VERY clear just how abusive he really is. I recommend books by Don Hennessy, Lundy Bancroft, Debbie Mirza, Tina Swithin, Leslie Vernick, Natalie Hoffman, Patricia Evans, and Ross Rosenburg.
I am so confused by this line of questioning. But to be quite blunt and honest, husband and nice is the greatest oxymoron of all times. By socialization and even nature the two shall never truly meet. Women as a sex class are just highly brainwashed, conditioned and even delusional to believe so. By default we are arch enemies. To add- the entire premise of marriage was never created for kindness, it just continues to be propagated as such. Marriage and its origin were established as an institution to pawn off girls of the female sex for servitude along with exploitation in lieu of ‘care’ to, for and by the male sex. Women of and within androcentrism continue this illogical fallacy. I think once we truly understand the beginnings and are told evidence based truths as a collective, we can make better decisions and navigation strategically within the paradigm of marriages.
Hey darling letter writer, when I read your words ‘Except when I make him mad’. I knew. I knew you’d abandoned yourself to take responsibility for his feelings. You didn’t ‘make’ him mad. You did something and he chose to get mad about it. He could have also then reflected on his feelings, acknowledged he was feeling mad & triggered about something and asked to talk with you to figure it out, or taken a walk, or talked to a friend or any number of healthy ways to work through big feelings. But no, he chose to act like a toddler and blame his feelings on someone else, and you got the brunt of it. Been there sister. None of us think our relationship is abusive in the beginning. The media just portrays a very narrow violent definition. And if we’re not being hit like that, we just think we’re in love with a complicated man. Until you realise your soul is dying. And you can’t go on another day. And hopefully you find the strength to haul yourself out, even while he tries to pull you back in tempting you with apologies and charm and promises that it will be different this time. But you are strong. And you can smile and say “Yes, it will be different this time. I will be free”. x
Such an important article. Every woman should read it and continue reading until she can identify clearly what it abuse.
It takes time to peel the layers of societal conditioning off our eyes but it’s worth it.
Another book I found helpful is ‘Why does he do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft.
Wow. I really needed to read that!!!! This relates to me on so many levels, but especially the infidelity part. After 25 years of not realising I was in an abusive relationship, I met a man who is the exact opposite of my husband. He was kind, gentle, calm, empathetic, a great listener, willing to learn and grow , incredibly patient and I loved spending time with him. A marriage counsellor called it an “emotional affair”, there was no sex. Of course, it makes me the worlds worst person, often gets brought up at unexpected times, and is the reason my husband is always angry. I’m not sure what his excuse for always being angry BEFORE the affair were! He’s even gone as far as telling our 7 year old son that I had a boyfriend and that’s why he gets angry with him, so Mr 7 often tells me it’s my fault that Dad is angry as well. Now I see it’s just another control tactic. He pushed me to the brink for years and now uses my breaking point to push me further.
Hey, letter writer: I'm going to tell you a little story.
My female partner died of progressive neurological decline and a terminal seizure disorder. As she slowly lost her cognitive abilities, she also lost her "filter." She became wildly impulsive, angry, and verbally abusive. A complete 180 from the person I fell in love with. And of course she knew all my deep, dark secrets as we'd been together for some time. I am still haunted by some of the things she said in her last few months of life.
I had scans, tests, and a top academic neurologist demonstrating to me in no uncertain terms that my partner literally, physically, *neurologically* could not help what she was doing. Obviously she didn't deserve any punishment or retaliation for what she could not help doing.
That never made it hurt any less. It also didn't mean I deserved it, and had she not eventually died I very well might have had to make the difficult decision to leave her and make other arrangements for her care. Her care team helped me with resources in the event we got that far. It was that bad.
So the only question is: What pathetic excuse does your fully functional spouse have? None, that's what. Fuck him. You are being abused and there is NO excuse. Get gone and get your kids out from under this asshole. Everybody deserves better than abuse. EVERYONE.
All very helpful. I'll add, in case the letter writer happens to see this -- leaving can be a very long process. Don't be too hard on yourself if it takes several attempts. Don't think that if you happen to go back once or twice, that means you're consigned to staying for good. Take the time you need to find a way to leave that's as safe and supportive and healing for you as possible. Unfortunately, society doesn't offer much support, but do what you can to find a way to leave that feels safe and right for you. It will be easier to leave for good if you have a plan and new things to look forward to.
Another thing -- his abusive behavior does not reflect badly on you. This is totally about him. It's not because you picked wrongly or you were inviting abuse or any of the other victim-blaming narratives that circulate. If he were with any other woman in the world, he'd likely be the same way. One thing that really helped me understand this was reading a survivor of abuse who wrote, essentially, everyone thinks, oh that would never happen to me. I would never put up with that kind of relationship. And, it's true, you at your best wouldn't. Women often wind up in abusive relationships when they've had some kind of upheaval or loss -- moved to a new place, lost a job, lost a significant person in their support network. Some time after you've had a chance to establish yourself away from this relationship and recover, it can be worth reflecting on your circumstances and whether there was something that put you at risk of entering such a relationship, as a means to empower and protect yourself in the future Please know that you did not do anything to deserve this. As Zawn points out, no one deserves abusive behavior.
In my marriage, it’s been withholding of sex and affection. My son has told me that I’m not affectionate and I reminded him that I try to hug and kiss him every night at bedtime and he pulls away and turns his head. He admitted that he does that and says he’s uncomfortable with affection because he never sees it. It kills me that he’s learned this despite my attempts to be affectionate with him.
Ooo boy, did I need to read this today. I've spent so much time trying to parse out what is my husband and what is his alcoholism, how my situation matches the stories of abuse and how it differs...but it really doesn't matter, does it? He's treating me badly and isn't stopping, and I don't want to live this way. I'm going to reach out to my work's legal employee assistance to start talking options.
I feel for you hard. This is similar to what I went through in my 9 year relationship with my ex-husband. He was so, so nice and sweet to me the vast majority of the time. We were best friends. He was well-loved by everyone. And he used to beat the shit out of me when his anger during an argument escalated past his point of no return. He kicked me in the ribs, punched me in the face, spit on me, threw me into walls, pulled my hair out, slapped me, destroyed all my things, abandoned me in random places as he sped off into the night. I endured all of it. And I never told a single soul. I covered up bruises. I made up stories to explain bruises I couldn't cover. I went to urgent care to make sure my bones weren't broken. I did all of that because he was so, so nice to me and so beloved by my family and friends. This went on for years. We finally divorced after he cheated on me and then gaslit me that it wasn't cheating. That was more than I could endure. And still, I told no one. I got into therapy toward the end and there I finally discovered that I was in an abusive relationship. It took 8 years to figure that out. Because my relationship was "different" than your "typical" abusive relationship. Because he was so, so nice.
Yes yes yes!!! The idea that you don’t need to prove he’s an abuser, or even a very specific defined abuser (narcissistic, etc) is so important! I spent so much mental energy there in order to justify leaving. And all that energy eventually was used against me when I did leave. If you feel this may be your situation, go ahead and leave (maybe not physically, but emotionally in the marriage). If he’s not an abuser and just very emotionally immature (and maybe you are as well), it’s possible that you both can learn new ways of conflict resolution, do self-reflection, break co-dependence, and maybe get back together. But, most of the time what I’ve seen is when we leave the world becomes VERY clear just how abusive he really is. I recommend books by Don Hennessy, Lundy Bancroft, Debbie Mirza, Tina Swithin, Leslie Vernick, Natalie Hoffman, Patricia Evans, and Ross Rosenburg.
I am so confused by this line of questioning. But to be quite blunt and honest, husband and nice is the greatest oxymoron of all times. By socialization and even nature the two shall never truly meet. Women as a sex class are just highly brainwashed, conditioned and even delusional to believe so. By default we are arch enemies. To add- the entire premise of marriage was never created for kindness, it just continues to be propagated as such. Marriage and its origin were established as an institution to pawn off girls of the female sex for servitude along with exploitation in lieu of ‘care’ to, for and by the male sex. Women of and within androcentrism continue this illogical fallacy. I think once we truly understand the beginnings and are told evidence based truths as a collective, we can make better decisions and navigation strategically within the paradigm of marriages.
Hey darling letter writer, when I read your words ‘Except when I make him mad’. I knew. I knew you’d abandoned yourself to take responsibility for his feelings. You didn’t ‘make’ him mad. You did something and he chose to get mad about it. He could have also then reflected on his feelings, acknowledged he was feeling mad & triggered about something and asked to talk with you to figure it out, or taken a walk, or talked to a friend or any number of healthy ways to work through big feelings. But no, he chose to act like a toddler and blame his feelings on someone else, and you got the brunt of it. Been there sister. None of us think our relationship is abusive in the beginning. The media just portrays a very narrow violent definition. And if we’re not being hit like that, we just think we’re in love with a complicated man. Until you realise your soul is dying. And you can’t go on another day. And hopefully you find the strength to haul yourself out, even while he tries to pull you back in tempting you with apologies and charm and promises that it will be different this time. But you are strong. And you can smile and say “Yes, it will be different this time. I will be free”. x