Maybe it's time to quiet quit your marriage

If you can't leave your abusive husband, if nothing works to change things, consider emotionally checking out instead.

One of the most frustrating things about the work I do is that the oppressive nature of marriage is a political problem. Without political solutions—fairer family courts, a world that values maternal labor, access to quality legal representation in divorce, paid parental leave, universal healthcare, equal pay—knowledge is not enough. Women stuck in bad marriages with bad men can’t easily leave, and sometimes can’t leave at all.

This is why it’s so important to educate young women about how damaging marriage can be, and why they should never ignore the red flags. Even if you’re lucky enough to be in a good marriage, your husband could change. And then, an entire society will support him in mistreating you because we don’t think women’s time, work, or suffering matter. Marriage is a huge gamble for all women, and the younger generation needs to know this.

But what about the women already trapped? What if you can’t leave, or if you know your kids won’t be safe with your spouse, or finances mean it’s impossible to live apart?

When your husband is committed to extracting free labor from you, when he’s emotionally abusive, when he doesn’t value your time, couples counseling is unlikely to help (but it will waste a lot of time and money that you could spend on living a better life). And Fair Play is beside the point if he fundamentally thinks you should have to work harder than him. You could spend more time chasing your tail. You could listen to the liars who tell you if you just try harder it will get better. Or you could admit defeat and find a way to live a better life even when your marriage sucks.

Quiet quit your marriage. Leave emotionally without leaving physically.

Here’s how it can change your life: Women are socialized from birth to give more than they get, and to accept less than they deserve. Even when a marriage isn’t working, even when it’s abusive, even when they’re woke to the oppressive realities of marriage, women still keep trying. They still wonder if the problem might really be them, if they might really deserve the shitty treatment they’re getting.

It’s time to stop letting that asshole you so unfortunately live with control you, guilt you, and make you think you deserve his bullshit.

Give yourself the gift of giving up

If you don’t have to spend so much time and energy trying to please that asshole you’re stuck living with, you’ll have a lot more time to do what you want. And you’ll be less affected by his emotional terrorism, too.

The best part? Your asshole husband probably isn’t even going to notice that you’ve quiet quit your marriage. Men are socialized not to care about women’s emotions, not to feel much sense of obligation, not to work on their relationships. So if you stop sharing your emotions, stop reaching out, stop trying to meaningfully connect, he may not even realize it.

Fuck that guy. Focus on you. It’s time to quiet quit this disaster you’re stuck in.

How to emotionally disentangle from your spouse

The hardest part of quiet quitting is going to be emotionally detaching. Unequal relationships are inherently abusive, and usually weaponize emotional abuse to extract free labor from the woman. Your husband probably tells you you’re a bad mom if you don’t do it all, guilts you for asking for help, or throws a fit if you have him take the kids so you can relax. Maybe on top of that he criticizes your appearance, your friendships, your voice. Perhaps he tells you you’re crazy or tries to make you think you’re the abusive one.

This is painful shit from someone who is supposed to love you. Quiet quitting requires reframing his abuse so that it doesn’t cut so deeply. This is so hard. People can be traumatized even by abuse from strangers. So if you’re struggling to emotionally disconnect, don’t feel bad.

Here’s what I want you to do: I want you to think of someone or something who, no matter how aggressively they insulted you, it wouldn’t affect you at all. Perhaps it would even be funny. I like to think of a squawking parrot, and maybe you should, too. After all, that’s really all your husband is: an emotionally incompetent buffoon parroting the shit patriarchy has told him to say, without ever even thinking about it.

So find a way to roll your eyes and even laugh at that squawking parrot, and his simpleminded ways. He doesn’t deserve your pain.

Strategies for quiet quitting your marriage

In every marriage, quiet quitting is going to look different. An upper middle class stay at home mom, for example, may be able to secretly hire childcare without Johnny Lazy every noticing. But a struggling working class family may not have this luxury. A mom who works outside of the home has more opportunities for independence and friendship, while a SAHM may have to get more creative.

Here are some tips to get started:

• Do not reward your husband’s tantrums, guilt, or pettiness. Do not allow him to guilt you into anything. The goal here is to completely eliminate the rewards he gets for emotionally abusing you, because you no longer care about his approval.

• Get as much support with your kids as possible. Take your mom up on her offer of help. Trade childcare with a neighbor. Pay a childcare provider. Do whatever you can to carve out some time to yourself, so you can better enjoy your children.

• Cultivate mindfulness with your kids. It’s easy to let resentment against your husband seep in, especially if your spouse tries to undermine your relationships or authority with your kids. But remind yourself that, though it’s unfair that you have to do the heavy lifting, you get the luxury of a deep relationship with these amazing little people. When you’re both on your deathbed, you’ll have a lifetime of care and love to reflect on. All he’ll have is the fact that he retained power over a wife he didn’t love.

• Prioritize your own well-being. You do not have to spend your life doing kid activities. Your kids will learn just as much going to the plant store or your favorite coffee shop with you as they will going to the children’s museum. If you don’t have childcare, take your kids with you to do the things you enjoy.

• Suck as much joy out of life as your schedule allows. If you need more time with friends, try planning a recurring playdate with a friend who has kids. Join a club. Do something you love after bedtime. Your husband can steal a lot of your time and life, but don’t let him steal it all.

• Reframe your marriage as a job. When you have a foolish boss you hate, you can still humor them, and even interact with them in a friendly, productive way. Somehow, knowing it’s fake helps. Try the same approach with your husband. You don’t have to be mean. Just emotionally uninvested.

• Stop saying yes to sex you don’t want, if you can safely do so. Ignore his guilt trips. Remind yourself that if he were more fuckable, he’d get more sex. You do not owe him sex, and if he actually cared about you or about sex, he’d get better at your relationship.

• Reframe household labor. It’s fucking bullshit that he won’t do it. But when you’re tending to the home, remind yourself that you are making your home livable for yourself and your children. This is worthwhile, and it matters, even if your husband is too selfish to give a shit.

• Match his effort. It’s pretty hard for him to argue that you should do things he’s unwilling to (though he’ll definitely try!). If he doesn’t get you presents, don’t get him presents.

• Stop taking him on family vacations. He ruins them anyway.

• Build relationships with friends and family as if your life and well-being depends on it. A spouse doesn’t protect you from loneliness. A rich variety of meaningful relationships will.

• Stop covering for him. Don’t get gifts for his family. Don’t remind him of medical appointments. Let him fall on his selfish face.

And finally, a word of encouragement: if you’re considering quiet quitting your marriage, consider leaving instead. Men will do anything to maintain access to a servant who gives them sex, so a lot of them make idle, baseless threats. Your shitty ass husband is not your lawyer. Don’t take legal advice from someone whose goal is to undermine your well-being and best interests. Don’t believe him that everything being in his name, being a stay at home mom, or making less money automatically mean you’ll be fucked in divorce. For the love of everything, please talk to a divorce attorney. Please do not make decisions based on fear, without knowing what is likely to happen.

The overwhelming majority of women are happier after divorce, with women twice as likely as men to say that divorce greatly improved their lives. The most common feelings men report after divorce are betrayal, suicidal ideation, confusion, and devastation. Women feel relieved, liberated, and happy.

Consider leaving. Even if you can’t do it now, begin making your plan.

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