I think she is a good very basic introduction, but she relies very heavily on simplistic scripts that can be problematic for some kids, and which often feel condescending. And she doesn't have much to offer for neurodivergent kids
I think a lot of Janet’s work is great and can be helpful, but in my experience some of her advice is not aligned with the needs of children. She pretty much advocates parents stick with their boundaries confidently--and then all will be good (but kids’ brains don’t work like that). She has blog posts supporting de facto CIO.
"in many houses, mothers must actively counter their partners’ objectively terrible parenting."
Whew, this one right here! It is so hard for me personally to un-learn the abusive reactions I experienced from my parents as a child, but now I am parenting differently from how I was raised AND having to do damage control because their father just refuses to learn the first parenting skill. We even bought the Big Little Feelings course and he watched 8 minutes of one video and said he already knew everything and acted like it was the most common knowledge.... yet he has never implemented one of their strategies one single time. And a therapist friend of ours tried to teach him 123 Magic and he completely screwed up the counting cues so our kids are unresponsive to this method that I had working before he messed it all up.
Also, I am "criticizing" him and "grading" him when I have always and will continue to call BS on his lack of parenting skills.
Thank you for this. As an early educator as well as a mother who is mothering alongside two less thoughtful coparents, this validates a lot of what I have observed to be true over time. I often counsel the teachers who work for me to recognize how difficult group care is for children--how difficult CHILDHOOD is for children--these small people who may be in a classroom after only being alive for 15 months. They almost never hear me.
It is heartbreaking to me, the things I hear educators say. These are often women who have no children of their own yet, but they have already absorbed the cultural ideals that say that only babies need comfort items or cry, that compliance is necessary and mandatory at all time, that children are hitting or biting because they WANT to hurt others.
It is very hard to parent or teach alongside people who cannot have empathy for children. I am a stepmother, and I have spent a decade now trying to wheedle, cajole, model for and convince my partner that commanding fear is not the same as commanding respect; that children learn when the world is predictable and safe, and that rewards and punishments don't set our deep values.
I appreciate you sharing resources very much. Thanks for all the work you do.
To be honest: I think we also need to be real about the fact that having a child does *not* automatically make one an expert on parenting, and that this whole "If you're not a mother, get out of my face" is an understandable backlash against the relentless criticism AND it's a hurtful policing and re-enforcement of children as objects.
I don't have children. Not yet. I am infertile after Pelvic Inflammatory Disease due to years of abuse and trafficking. My doctors have given me the treatment I need to maybe one day have kids of my own. I want to be a parent and my abusers have stolen it from me, maybe forever (it's unclear at this point if IVF will work for me; there are no guarantees).
And yet: I am a trained pediatric nurse. I have taken Human Development courses. I have cared for medically fragile children of all ages and stages. And STILL I am policed when I tell a parent that hitting their child for crying during an IV insertion is not appropriate. That crying is a normal response for a 5-year-old undergoing a painful procedure and sedation, understanding, empathy, and kindness are necessary. All because I don't have children. I am punished both ways and it's extremely, profoundly hurtful. Every day I am reminded of what I am not allowed to have and what abusers are allowed to have by default. If I am lucky enough to get the gift of parenthood, I want to put in the work to do my absolute best. And that does take work, and study, and therapy even before I EVER get pregnant, because that's what it takes.
I don't mean to make this about me, but that's what comes up for me around these topics.
How beautiful. If you do have children, they will benefit greatly from all your inner work and learning. I am sorry for your trauma and these current hurtful and dismissive comments too. x
Thank you for standing up for the children and educating their parents. You are allowed to voice your opinions and thoughts no matter if you have kids or not. May you find peace, healing and ease.
I have to add Rest, Play, Grow by Deborah Macnamara to your list of exceptional books. This one is revolutionary. It helps people understand the why behind kids’ emotions and behavior, as well as brain development. This makes it so that you don’t need to rely on scripts.
I love all of this, especially from a child rights’ perspective. I was raised in an abusive dynamic where ‘god’ was used to justify full ownership and control over children. My needs and wants didn’t matter at all and I would be yelled at for expressing any of them. I was isolated from the world, denied an education (as I was a girl, I was to grow up and be a wife and a mother- and why would she need to do anything more than read and write??). This all left me incredibly lonely, seriously anxious, and without any skills needed to function in the world. It’s taken me a long time to undo all of that - but at 36 I have, and welcomed my daughter into the world I’d built last November. It’s a world of stability, emotional regulation, and a respectful and peaceful family. This is my feminist motivation for raising her in a non violent way- by respecting her rights and wants now, I can teach her that her wants and needs matter, reducing the risk that she will be walked all over by the patriarchy as she gets older.
I would also love to hear your take. It’s supposedly based on indigenous parenting approaches. The book stipulates that chores and doing adult things *are* rewarding for kids. The books approach to shared household responsibility alleviated the burden of mothers.
Are you at all familiar with Janet Lansbury's work? What are your thoughts on her approach to "gentle parenting"
I think she is a good very basic introduction, but she relies very heavily on simplistic scripts that can be problematic for some kids, and which often feel condescending. And she doesn't have much to offer for neurodivergent kids
I think a lot of Janet’s work is great and can be helpful, but in my experience some of her advice is not aligned with the needs of children. She pretty much advocates parents stick with their boundaries confidently--and then all will be good (but kids’ brains don’t work like that). She has blog posts supporting de facto CIO.
"in many houses, mothers must actively counter their partners’ objectively terrible parenting."
Whew, this one right here! It is so hard for me personally to un-learn the abusive reactions I experienced from my parents as a child, but now I am parenting differently from how I was raised AND having to do damage control because their father just refuses to learn the first parenting skill. We even bought the Big Little Feelings course and he watched 8 minutes of one video and said he already knew everything and acted like it was the most common knowledge.... yet he has never implemented one of their strategies one single time. And a therapist friend of ours tried to teach him 123 Magic and he completely screwed up the counting cues so our kids are unresponsive to this method that I had working before he messed it all up.
Also, I am "criticizing" him and "grading" him when I have always and will continue to call BS on his lack of parenting skills.
Thank you for this. As an early educator as well as a mother who is mothering alongside two less thoughtful coparents, this validates a lot of what I have observed to be true over time. I often counsel the teachers who work for me to recognize how difficult group care is for children--how difficult CHILDHOOD is for children--these small people who may be in a classroom after only being alive for 15 months. They almost never hear me.
It is heartbreaking to me, the things I hear educators say. These are often women who have no children of their own yet, but they have already absorbed the cultural ideals that say that only babies need comfort items or cry, that compliance is necessary and mandatory at all time, that children are hitting or biting because they WANT to hurt others.
It is very hard to parent or teach alongside people who cannot have empathy for children. I am a stepmother, and I have spent a decade now trying to wheedle, cajole, model for and convince my partner that commanding fear is not the same as commanding respect; that children learn when the world is predictable and safe, and that rewards and punishments don't set our deep values.
I appreciate you sharing resources very much. Thanks for all the work you do.
Thank you for pushing back on these scripts. The world needs more early educators like you, and more exceptional stepmothers, too <3
To be honest: I think we also need to be real about the fact that having a child does *not* automatically make one an expert on parenting, and that this whole "If you're not a mother, get out of my face" is an understandable backlash against the relentless criticism AND it's a hurtful policing and re-enforcement of children as objects.
I don't have children. Not yet. I am infertile after Pelvic Inflammatory Disease due to years of abuse and trafficking. My doctors have given me the treatment I need to maybe one day have kids of my own. I want to be a parent and my abusers have stolen it from me, maybe forever (it's unclear at this point if IVF will work for me; there are no guarantees).
And yet: I am a trained pediatric nurse. I have taken Human Development courses. I have cared for medically fragile children of all ages and stages. And STILL I am policed when I tell a parent that hitting their child for crying during an IV insertion is not appropriate. That crying is a normal response for a 5-year-old undergoing a painful procedure and sedation, understanding, empathy, and kindness are necessary. All because I don't have children. I am punished both ways and it's extremely, profoundly hurtful. Every day I am reminded of what I am not allowed to have and what abusers are allowed to have by default. If I am lucky enough to get the gift of parenthood, I want to put in the work to do my absolute best. And that does take work, and study, and therapy even before I EVER get pregnant, because that's what it takes.
I don't mean to make this about me, but that's what comes up for me around these topics.
How beautiful. If you do have children, they will benefit greatly from all your inner work and learning. I am sorry for your trauma and these current hurtful and dismissive comments too. x
Thank you for standing up for the children and educating their parents. You are allowed to voice your opinions and thoughts no matter if you have kids or not. May you find peace, healing and ease.
I really love Jessica Milburn @responsive_parenting on Instagram. I’ve learned so much from following her.
I have to add Rest, Play, Grow by Deborah Macnamara to your list of exceptional books. This one is revolutionary. It helps people understand the why behind kids’ emotions and behavior, as well as brain development. This makes it so that you don’t need to rely on scripts.
I love all of this, especially from a child rights’ perspective. I was raised in an abusive dynamic where ‘god’ was used to justify full ownership and control over children. My needs and wants didn’t matter at all and I would be yelled at for expressing any of them. I was isolated from the world, denied an education (as I was a girl, I was to grow up and be a wife and a mother- and why would she need to do anything more than read and write??). This all left me incredibly lonely, seriously anxious, and without any skills needed to function in the world. It’s taken me a long time to undo all of that - but at 36 I have, and welcomed my daughter into the world I’d built last November. It’s a world of stability, emotional regulation, and a respectful and peaceful family. This is my feminist motivation for raising her in a non violent way- by respecting her rights and wants now, I can teach her that her wants and needs matter, reducing the risk that she will be walked all over by the patriarchy as she gets older.
Are you familiar with Hunt, Gather, Parent by Michaeleen Doucleff? I would love to know your opinion on that one.
I would also love to hear your take. It’s supposedly based on indigenous parenting approaches. The book stipulates that chores and doing adult things *are* rewarding for kids. The books approach to shared household responsibility alleviated the burden of mothers.
Being a mother is hard. Mothering is hard. Such hard work!
My children are young adults and teenagers now - it has been a long journey and it doesn't stop.
They are beautiful people. So worth it!
Great work Zawn! I absolutely love the extensive resources you provide here (and I’m so happy to have my favorites and more all in one place 😬).
If you have any additional thoughts on (gentle) parenting with an abusive partner or co-parent, I’d be very interested to read more about it.