Feminist Advice Friday: Do you have any advice for gentle, feminist parenting?

Raising a generation of feminists requires a gentle, nonviolent approach. A reader wonders how to get it right.

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A reader asks…

Do you have any advice for gentle, non-violent parenting, and for breaking generational cycles?

My answer

Some caveats about parenting advice

I got this question a while ago, and I sat on it. That’s because, every time I write specific parenting advice, I get an onslaught of anger from my readers. In a patriarchal society, parenting advice is necessarily directed at mothers, since all the evidence shows that the majority of men just aren’t going to step up and do the work. After all, men get called good dads for literally doing nothing, while women can devote every spare moment to parenting and still meet nothing but criticism.

Parenting advice can therefore feel like criticism. And it adds to the already unfair burden mothers face. Non-violent parenting, authoritative parenting, attachment/gentle parenting…whatever you want to call it, it requires a lot of work and self-control. It’s not fair that this burden falls nearly exclusively to mothers—and that in many houses, mothers must actively counter their partners’ objectively terrible parenting.

But we cannot ignore the fact that there are better and worse ways to parent. Our children did not ask to be born. And while the burden they place on us may be unfair, we must rise to it as much as we can.

Non-violent parenting is feminist parenting because it teaches children that coercion, threats, violence, and shame are not normal. It is one of the most important things we can do to protect our children, to raise feminist children, and to make abusive relationships unappealing.

So yes. Non-violent parenting demands more of mothers because of the sexist society in which we live. It’s not fair. And we need to start calling fathers who do not practice this type of parenting bad fathers, rather than acting as if they just have different standards. Still, we must try.

I think it’s also worth emphasizing that we need to get better about acknowledging that parenting is hard work, and that there are right ways and wrong ways to do it. Culturally, we like to pretend everything women do is easy and instinctive, especially parenting. We need to acknowledge that this kind of parenting is fucking hard. In so doing, we honor the incredible intelligence, emotional control, and growth mindset mothers display.

So what can we do to get gentle parenting right?

My views on gentle parenting

I generally dislike the way gentle parenting has been marketed. We used to call it authoritative parenting—parenting that his high on control and high on warmth. And a lot of indigenous folks have emphasized that this type of parenting is really just a modern take on indigenous parenting. It’s not new. It’s not a trend. It’s not permissive. But the popularization and commodification of this approach to parenting has diluted much of its message and made parents feel as if they must limit themselves to specific scripts and rules rather than broad principles. Here are the principles I think are most important.

Mastering self-control

Gentle parenting begins within. It’s about knowing your own triggers, and gaining more patience and emotional control. Children know our buttons, and they will push them. I have found Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting to be extraordinarily helpful for controlling my own emotions. Raising Good Humans is also really excellent.

Understanding kids’ brains

Gentle parenting also requires you to understand how kids’ brains actually work. Kids are not tiny adults. They are not manipulative. They are not punishment/reward machines. In the early years, kids are desperate for two things: connection and opportunities to learn through experience. I urge you to learn as much as you can about kids’ brain development. Here are some good resources to choose from, for various levels—from academic texts to entry-level pop-sci guides:

• Child Development and the Brain

• The Cultural Nature of Human Development

• The Whole-Brain Child

• What’s Going on in There?

Knowing why kids do things

Good parenting begins with seeing things from your kid’s perspective—and not attaching adult motives to kids. I promise you your child is not trying to be hurtful. They’re just trying to function in a world that can be really hard on kids.

Kids really only behave “badly” for a few reasons:

• Because they cannot behave differently. For example, your six-month-old does not have the ability to deal with her fears, and your toddler does not know how to express frustration except by having a tantrum. Your scared six-year-old cannot calm herself down.

• Because they are dysregulated. This really reduces to being unable to behave differently, too. Hungry, tired, or fearful kids regress. They lose the ability to follow rules. You have to solve the underlying problem before the behavior can change.

• Because your discipline is making things worse. Kids hit back when parents spank them. When parents yell at them, they yell back. When they’re left alone to cry, they cry longer and harder. Ask yourself: Am I punishing a child who is already upset? What behavior am I teaching right now?

• Because your child wants to know if the boundaries are really there. Kids do test boundaries. But not because they want to be punished. They want to know if they can trust you. So when your older child who understands the rules and who has the ability to control her behavior (not a little kid, and not a kid who is currently dysregulated) throws her food on the floor right after you tell her not to, you have to enforce the boundary. “We’re going to put up the plate until you’re ready to stop throwing food.”

• Because they have a higher priority. Your child may know that lying is wrong, but if they are desperate for peer acceptance, they’ll lie anyway, and punishing them won’t change that. That’s because they care more about what their peers think than doing the right thing or avoiding punishment. Instead, you have to identify their higher priority and help them find a better way to manage it. For example, if your teenager sneaks out to see her boyfriend, is there a safer way for her to see her boyfriend without leaving in the middle of the night?

An ounce of prevention

Ninety percent of good parenting is preventing the circumstances that cause bad behavior. It’s about establishing strong routines, including a predictable daily schedule (yes, really everyone needs one), ensuring kids are fed and well-rested and emotionally supported, and properly preparing them for things that you know are going to be hard.

The other ten percent is about teaching them the skills they need to manage when things go awry. In other words, when the routine falls apart or your child is anxious, what skills can they lean on to cope? This teaching must come primarily from modeling, but also from direct instruction.

Notice that I didn’t mention rewards or punishment, because neither is necessary. Even if you feel you must use them from time to time, they are the least important aspect of parenting. If you’re punishing the same thing over and over, punishments are not working. If you keep offering rewards but your child isn’t doing the desired behavior more frequently, then rewards aren’t working either.

Establishing a schedule

Kids need to know what to expect from their daily lives. They need consistent meals at consistent times, a regular bedtime, and a predictable daily routine. A schedule is absolutely a key, non-negotiable part of parenthood. It will make your life better, too, because the flow of the day will be more intuitive. Everyone’s roles will be clearer, too, making it easier to detect household chore inequality.

A schedule does not mean a rut. You can have free time each day, and schedule in adventures and outings. But you cannot fly by the seat of your pants each day and expect your child to roll with it. That’s doubly true if you have a child with any type of neurodivergence.

Recognizing that childhood is hard

Being a kid is hard. People tell you what to do. They don’t tell you why you have to do things. Doctors and dentists do things that hurt you, and you don’t get a choice. you have to follow someone else’s schedule. If you get sad, someone may yell at you.

So talk about how easy childhood is does not resonate with kids. Parents need to get inside their kids’ minds, and understand that having no control over your world is really, really hard.

Can you give your kids control?

Cleaning, riding in the car, running errands…these are things that offer rewards to adults because they help you build a comfortable life. They’re not rewarding to kids. So while I usually suggest avoiding rewards, I hope you’ll consider what you can do to make these tasks more rewarding. Maybe your child gets to watch their favorite show while they clean. Maybe you have a cool box of toys kids can only play with in the car. Maybe you unveil the new coloring book while running errands.

Ditching the parenting scripts

So many gentle parenting sites give parents scripts. But you’re not supposed to literally repeat these. Many are incredibly condescending. Imagine saying to your partner, “I can see you’re feeling frustrated. It’s ok to be frustrated but it’s not ok to hit.”

No.

These scripts show you one way to empathize but that method has to evolve with your child’s age and needs. Watch your child. Observe what they need. And perhaps most importantly, ask them. There is incredible power in talking about a meltdown after the fact, and asking for feedback on what you can do to better support your kid.

Building boundaries to build trust

Enforcing boundaries can feel hard, and even mean.

It’s only mean if you’re mean about it. Mean would be screaming at your crying child that they have to get in the car and you’ve had enough of this shit. Or telling them if they don’t get in the car right now you’re taking away their toy. Or expressing constant exasperation and annoyance.

But it’s not mean to make them get in the car when it’s time to go. Enforcing boundaries shows that you are a person who can be trusted. This is incredibly important for your long-term relationship. It also shows your child that the world is a predictable place. And perhaps most importantly, it relieves your child of the burden of being the decision-maker. If a child knows he can get out of something by throwing a tantrum, then he always feels uncertainty, always feels pressure to control things and make decisions.

Be gentle and kind. “I know this is hard. We’re going to do everything we can to make it fun once we get in the car, and I want to help you.”

Then give a choice: “Do you want to get in on your own, or do I need to help you?”

You’re probably going to have to “help.” And let’s be real that that means forcing them in as gently as possible without violence or threats. But this is what being a parent sometimes requires.

Always offering emotional connection

No matter how out of control your child is, you should always offer—but never force—emotional connection. This includes kind words of reassurance, praise for even modest steps in the right direction, and a loving hug.

Never reject a child who is asking for help, love, or a hug, or they may never ask again.

It is ok to hold and love a child who is screaming at you; and in fact, doing so may be the fastest route to ending the screaming.

Collaborative problem-solving instead of immediate compliance

Almost a year ago now, my daughter started refusing to go to school. It was a real challenge to my parenting, because homeschooling is not possible for us. We needed to work. She needed to go to school. And we were starting to get a lot of judgment and hostility from, well, everyone. I felt a lot of pressure to just make her do it. Because the cultural message is that good parents can gain compliance.

When we feel pressure to make our kids comply, we’re at high risk of parenting ineffectively, with shame and even violence. And tragically, the wider culture may praise us for this, because most people only care about the short-term with kids; most people just want to see kids who are “well-behaved,” and never consider the long-term implications of doing whatever it takes to gain compliance.

Instead, we parents need to collaborate with our kids just as we would with our spouses and friends: We have this problem. How can we solve it? Be curious and empathetic, and understand that problems aren’t solved overnight. Don’t give into cultural pressure, because steadily working together models the skills your child will need for the rest of their life.

Correcting harm

No one can parent perfectly. Your kids need to see you fuck up, so they can see you repair things. They need to see that people have emotional reactions to their behavior. You do not have to be perfect.

You do have to apologize. A real apology. Not “I’m sorry if…”

Also, remember that mom guilt serves no purpose. If you make a mistake, move on. If you struggle with guilt, I’ve covered it more extensively here:

Mom guilt is a conspiracy

How to respond to mom-shaming

Parenting books and resources I recommend

• The Mamademics Facebook page is exceptional. Gentle parenting necessarily requires teaching children to be gentle and justice-oriented with other people. You cannot be a feminist who is not also an antiracist. She does a great job with antiracist parenting, and has a ton of other parenting resources.

• I strongly recommend Dr. Naomi Fisher’s Think Again. It pushes back a lot on some mainstream parenting advice (including some attachment/gentle parenting). Dr. Fisher has truly revolutionized my understanding of parenting, and helped me weather a lot of parenting storms. If you read only one resource I recommend here, choose her.

• The Untigering Facebook page targets former “tiger moms,” but is really applicable to everyone, with a ton of great parenting resources, as well as advice for managing your own emotions.

• Busy kids are well-behaved kids. The Busy Toddler helps you keep them busy on a budget.

• Big Little Feelings offers a ton of resources on its comprehensive website, as well as an amazing Instagram page where you can gain a deeper understanding of kids’ emotional needs.

• Kids Eat in Color can help you end food struggles and ensure your child is a healthy, balanced eater.

• The Ellyn Satter Institute explains what the research actually says about food, and offers some simple and actionable principles for healthy eating.

• I love these books:

  • Woke Parenting

  • The Truth About Girls and Boys: Challenging Toxic Stereotypes About Our Children

  • Einstein Never Used Flashcards

  • Raising Antiracist Children

  • Changing Our Minds

  • The Explosive Child (your child doesn’t have to have behavioral issues for this to be helpful)

I’ve written more specifically about breaking cycles of generational trauma here.