Feminist Advice Friday: How do I help my appearance-obsessed preteen?
Stopping a spiral of image obsession and self-loathing in an adolescent
A reader asks…
My daughter is becoming increasingly obsessed with her appearance, spending hours getting ready, and then hating the result. How can I help this not totally consume her?
My answer
If you’re a mom confronting appearance issues in younger children and reading this column for advice, I recommend starting with this piece I wrote last year, Raising a Daughter With a Healthy Body Image in an Appearance-Obsessed World. I also address managing other people’s comments about your child’s appearance in this column.
Preteens, though, are their own people. They’re differentiating. They’re becoming their own people. They’re less inclined to listen to their mothers. And they’ve already likely had a lot of exposure to beauty culture.
This is so hard, especially if you’ve already devoted significant energy to helping her feel good about her body. It’s easy to feel like all of your effort has been wasted, and that can cause some behaviors that make this cycle worse. You might feel that nothing you have done worked, and so you give up. Or you may lash out at your daughter because you’re tired of the endless whining about her appearance.
Don’t do that.
Realize also, though, that your feelings matter. This is a challenging thing for a mother to be confronted with, especially a feminist mother who understands how profoundly damaging an appearance obsession can be.
So start by managing your own feelings. Some things I want you to remind yourself of include:
Who your daughter is now is not necessarily who she will be as an adult, or even a year from now. Adolescence is all about trying on identities.
Remember that it is normal for teenagers to want to impress their peers. Your daughter has a brand new body she’s never had before. She’s experimenting to see what it can do. Let her.
Many healthy adult feminist women started out as adolescents obsessed with their appearance (myself included).
Many different people influence our kids, and your child’s views on her appearance are not a reflection of your parenting. And even if they were, it is never too late to do better.
Your child is not “ruined.” A lot of parents get caught up in the notion that it’s too late to fix a particular problem. Children are not works of art. They are, like all of us, dynamic works in progress. They are always changing.
Your primary goal must be not to project your feelings onto your daughter, or give her even the slightest hint that you are upset or worried about her body image.
Now, onto your daughter. Let’s talk about what you can do to help her.
First, remember that you are not her only influence. What can you do to incorporate other positive influences into her life? Can she spend more time with women who have positive views on their bodies? Is there a local feminist bookstore you can hang out at? The goal should not be to force it, but to give her a chance to get the right information from someone other than you.
I also want you to avoid doing anything at all that could be perceived as trying to control her or her body. For many girls, what seems like “appearance obsession” is really just a power struggle, and an attempt to differentiate themselves from their mothers.
Don’t ban makeup, or criticize her makeup. Joyfully buy her the items that are in your budget, and offer help if she wants it.
Don’t limit her clothing to the clothes you like. Don’t tell her her clothes are too revealing or sexy. Not only does this sexualize her; it challenges her to wear even more stuff you hate.
Don’t criticize her fashion choices. The younger generation has always worn stuff their parents hate. This is a sign of creativity. Let her be creative.
Help her fit in. Don’t ban shaving her legs, or getting an adult haircut, or anything else that involves her body. Critical to body image is the understanding that her body belongs to her, and she gets to do what she wants with it. Many mothers make the mistake of making their children pariahs by not allowing them to shave, or not buying them the shoes they want, or otherwise resisting them doing grown-up things. Don’t do this. To reject social norms, she first has to have the opportunity to conform to them.
And perhaps most importantly of all, do not comment on her appearance. She is not interested in what you think at this stage in her life. And making her appearance a topic of conversation only makes it more relevant to her life, compounding the obsession.
Instead, give her attention for everything else. Praise her liberally. Love her unconditionally. These are things you will never regret doing.
Readers, any advice?
This article aligns well with the advice in the book “Raising girls who like themselves”. I’m so grateful to be learning this approach while my daughter is just a bub!
I especially like the thoughts (1) to understand that your children aren’t “ruined” (2) that you aren’t their only influence. I have an 18 1/2 year old son and 15 year old daughter and it’s been a journey! I believe they were born their own little people with their own personalities and while I’ve certainly had lots of influence it’s probably always a little less than I thought. I’ve consistently chosen relationship over rule (opposite of how my ex parented). And while my kids aren’t perfect, we are a close tight and emotionally safe 3-person little family.