Feminist Advice Friday: How to respond to mom-shaming

A reader grapples with one of the most common challenges of motherhood

A reader asks…

What’s your advice for responding to mom-shaming. I get a lot of it from my family, who thinks I’m weird for not spanking/parenting gently/breastfeeding/basically everything I do. There’s also a subtle current of mom shaming in the wider world. Passive aggressive facebook posts from friends, weird comments at my kid’s daycare, that sort of thing.

I try my best to cite why my choices are evidence-based and to give the benefit of the doubt, but it’s honestly exhausting and I’m just over being made to feel like a bad mother for what I feel is actually really good mothering. Thoughts?

My answer:

Motherhood (n): 1. A state in which no matter what you’re doing, you’re doing it wrong. 2. The state of being public property subject to public judgment at all times.

Being made to feel like a bad mother for what is actually good mothering is a great summation of mom shaming. You spend time and effort, and often money, to be the best possible mom you can. And rather than having your efforts recognized, the people in your life denigrate you for them. Mom-shaming is not an accident. It exists as a tool of control. Being a bad mother is just about the worst thing you can be in a patriarchal society. So if you spend all of your time avoiding this label, defending your choices, fearing that you might suck as a mom, it distracts you from pushing back against the cultural forces that want to keep mothers overwhelmed, unhappy, and feeling inadequate.

Mom shaming is an extremely common motherhood experience to which nearly all mothers are subjected. In marginalized communities, it can even criminalize motherhood, such as when authorities call CPS over differences of parenting opinion, such as when and whether to cosleep, breastfeed, etc.

You cannot parent your way out of mom-shaming. Because in a misogynistic society, mothers are not people. They’re public property subject to public condemnation. No matter what they’re doing, someone will think it’s wrong. And paradoxically, even though we think we collectively own mothers, we do not think we collectively own responsibility for their well-being or support.

Understanding the function of mom-shaming is critical to pushing back. Because once you see it for what it is, you understand that the shaming isn’t about your specific choices, but about the patriarchal mandate to make all mothers, and all women, feel inadequate.

Mom-shaming is so pervasive, and often so subtle, that you might not recognize it every time it occurs. You may just walk away from an interaction feeling worse about yourself, only to realize days or even weeks later that that was the goal. Step two after understanding the role of mom-shaming is learning to identify it in all its ugly forms.

My experience is that mom-shaming comes in a couple of flavors:

1. “It’s easy for me. Why can’t it be easy for you?!” This typically comes from other women, and can be the most infuriating form. Another mother might tell you that her kids nurse easily and sleep through the night, that she lost all the baby weight, that she certainly doesn’t feel mom guilt. Why is it so hard for you? What’s wrong with you?

2. Professional mom-shaming. This is when experts shame mothers for reasonable parenting decisions. You breastfed as long as your doctor told you to, so your baby has cavities. Your child has a speech delay so you must not talk to them enough. If you don’t sleep train your baby, you’re dooming them to be a sociopath.

3. “I’m just concerned!” A common tactic from friends and family, this type of mom-shaming masquerades as concern for you or your baby. “I just want to see you get a good night’s sleep! Why won’t you sleep train?” “I just want to ensure little Johnny respects boundaries, so you need to spank him.” It’s the most exhausting form, too, because people feel entitled to assert their opinions even when those opinions have no basis in fact. And that means they’re unlikely to change their minds in response to evidence.

4. Overt aggression. This is when someone overtly criticizes your parenting. Why are you still breastfeeding? How dare you give your baby a bottle? Only bad mothers work! This is the least common form of mom-shaming, but can still be incredibly painful.

So what now?

I’ve developed my own formula for managing mom-shaming over the years, and I’ve found it works pretty well. Here are the rules:

1. Never argue or defend your parenting. When you do this, you are creating the illusion that you and the other party are equals, and that you are open to discussing your parenting choices, or even having your mind changed. You shouldn’t be. You’re the parent. You make the decisions. And arguing is unlikely to change the other person’s mind anyway. Instead, shut it down and redirect with a simple script. “I’m not interested in debating my parenting decisions. Let’s talk about something else.”

2. Be prepared to escalate quickly. Mom-shaming is an extremely aggressive act. You do yourself and other mothers a great service if you make the price very high. If the other person does not quickly stop, you might hint at your own judgments. “I’m sure you’d rather us not trade insults and judgments back and forth.”

3. Ignore. If the mom-shaming continues, pretend as if you cannot hear the person. The idea here is to offer no reward, no feedback, absolutely no incentive to keep up with the behavior. If you know the other person is trying to hurt you, I suggest immediately skipping to this step.

4. Draw a boundary. If the other person persists in shaming you, it’s time to get very clear about your boundaries. The specific boundary will depend on the context. Some examples: “Mom, I love you, but if you continue to criticize my parenting, I’m going to ask you to leave.” “Sister, I’m so glad you love my daughter, but if you cannot respect my parenting choices, she cannot visit you unattended.” “Friend, I love that you love my child. But mom-shaming is harmful, not helpful. If you continue criticizing my parenting, I am going to need to limit contact with you.” The cardinal rule of boundaries is that they exist for you, not the person against whom you are enforcing the boundary. A boundary is something you build. It’s a specific change in behavior to protect yourself. So be prepared for the other person not to respect your boundaries, and to follow up on your promise.

5. Name the behavior. In many situations, you may not have the ability to stop talking to the person or ask them to leave. This is common in workplaces. When this happens, instead name and label the behavior, then move on. “You sure have taken an interest in my parenting! Judging mothers is not helpful to them, and I don’t like it. It’s weird that you keep persisting. Please stop.” At work, a certain flavor of mom-shaming may be a type of gender discrimination, so if it continues, consider consulting your HR department.

Readers, what strategies have you developed? Any exceptionally helpful zingers in your back pocket?

I publish #feministadvicefriday every Friday(ish) here and on Facebook. You can submit your own question to zawn.villines@gmail.com, by messaging my Facebook page, or anonymously by using my site’s contact form.