A male reader wonders why his wife won't let him explain feminism to her, and insists that his high intelligence makes him unable to communicate with her in the way she prefers.
May 4, 2023·edited May 4, 2023Liked by Zawn Villines
The second I read, "The numerous facets of the trans conversation" I knew this jackoff was not communicating in good faith. I'm trans. Fuck him. He's just another privileged man who thinks we are all DESPERATE to hear his many reasons why we should be exterminated.
Get out, letter writer. Kick his ass to the curb. Yes, the whole man. His kind do NOT change without some drastic shift in their lifestyle, and that means losing his mother-wife so he is forced to grow up.
I want to think this wife doesn't exist and this is all some neckbeard's weird way to get off, but unfortunately I am married to a man who isn't dissimilar sounding to this guy. When we were young and in college, I got taken in for this sort of discourse -- now a mom of 3 in my 30s, I can't think of someone more obtuse or exhausting.
I think you're right on the money with your thoughts on ND; my husband is a diagnosed (but willfully untreated) ADHD-er, and very likely somewhere on the spectrum. There is something inherent in the rigidity and tangential nature of this guy's nonsense that rings familiar.
The talking in nonsensical circles to the point of brain fog for the recipient is not a tactic I've ever seen deployed in good faith. It's almost as if someone is trying really hard to hide what he's really saying.🤔
Also ditto to Jennifer, that was a hellacious red flag.
I dated a guy like this for a (very short) time, and the vagueness is INTENTIONAL and purposeful. They do it so they can claim innocence when you actually read their intentions correctly. Then they'll cry foul, act like you're victimizing them and accusing them of things they didn't *aCktChUaLlY* say.
I am raising two 'highly intelligent' 'alternatively educated basement nerds(D&D style)' and am married to man who is extremely successful in one of the 'nerdy elite' careers this guy mentioned. No one in my family has an easy or intuitive way with communication, much less conversational niceties.
All this to say that I am pretty practiced at parsing meaning and intention from the very people he is identifying himself with.
My 9-year-old can speak more intelligibly and empathically on topics like feminism and transness. My 9-year-old has a better understanding of their privilege and how it impacts their knowledge (or lack thereof) on issues affecting people with less privilege.
This is unbelievably sad. His wife deserves better. His daughters deserve better.
May 4, 2023·edited May 4, 2023Liked by Zawn Villines
I am a lawyer. I put that right in front because it is my literal job that I went to 7 years of college for to decipher and comprehend esoteric and often detail-laden arguments in writing. It is also my job to WRITE comprehensive arguments about esoteric bits of law and string them together in a way that makes sense to further my argument and position.
I. Cannot. Even. Tell. What you are trying to "communicate." I don't know what the topic of these "debates" or "conversations" is. I don't know what your position on the topic is. I don't know why you are trying to have the conversation or what happens if you do. I don't know anything other than that you seem to think very highly of yourself while also apparently believing that brains stop developing in high school.
But I can tell you this. Your wife DOES NOT WANT to "debate" feminism or the existence of trans people or anthropology. She especially doesn't want to debate those things with some guy who, absent any formal education in those subjects or in debate, has declared himself an "expert" and just makes vague statements about whatever "epiphany" he just had regarding them. She especially doesn't want to decode whatever the fuck you meant by your example regarding feminism and entertainment. I don't either, so I won't even be trying to figure out the point. You're wrong because you are just making shit up to argue about and then acting like you're doing her a FAVOR by "educating" her in these fields. In which you have no education or experience.
You are atrocious at communicating. And whether you know it consciously or not, always looking for a "debate" in your household and relationship is acting in bad faith. Not everyone wants to argue with you. Most people don't find it fun or edifying to argue with someone about random scientific or political concepts, especially when the person starting the "debate" has already declared himself an expert and The Winner.
The last guy I dated tried to do this shit at me about "physics." By which he definitely meant "a Fringe YouTube Channel I watched." He wanted me to "agree" that there's Loads Of Evidence to suggest we all live in a Matrix-like simulation. When I wouldn't entertain that "debate," he got all broody and mad at me for "not engaging in a discussion." The thing is, I did not want to have that discussion, there is no point to that discussion, and it would change my daily life exactly none if I were living in a "realistic simulation," which is probably not the case and likely not supported by any actual evidence gathered by real physicists. However, what WOULD happen if I decided to have that "discussion" is that it would last for DAYS and he'd never admit that his rectally-sourced opinion from some YouTuber wasn't equivalent to (or better than) any information shared by actual physicists whose entire life's work is figuring out the nature of the universe. He heard a thing he thought was "interesting," and he wanted an argument. That's it. He's not Extra Smart because he Noticed. He's just some fucking guy who spent his day eating snacks and watching YouTube. And I don't have to debate him or care about the subject at all.
Your wife doesn't want to argue with you. She doesn't HAVE TO argue with you or have a "friendly debate" about her life's experiences, or present you with "sufficient proof" that you are wrong while you move the goalposts. And she is FRUSTRATED by you continuing to shoehorn your random YouTube word salad opinions into regular conversations.
ETA: For someone who "prefers" the prose and/or speech patterns of the 19th Century, you are also very bad at that.
I love how you dissected all of his garbage. I found all of his excessively wordy sexist ramblings to be really hard to process, and for all that he called his wife "manipulative" I felt like all of his wordy sexist word salad to actually be quite manipulative and seemed kind of like gaslighting to me, at least my brain pretty much wanted to shut down when reading it the way it would when my abusive ex would send me gaslighting emails and I'd have to read them. In fact the way this guy communicates reminds me very much of my abusive ex, and leaves me concerned for his wife. There's just no empathy there, he's just so full of himself, and it's all so selfish and unconcerned at all with his impact on others. It was such a relief to see how you shut it all down and pick it apart - in fact the only reason I could continue reading all of his crap is I knew how you'd shut it down and was looking forward to seeing all of his manipulative statements getting picked apart, like I wish I could have done with my ex 20 some years ago when he'd pull stuff like that.
I don’t have anything to add here with the exception that I hope that this person’s long-suffering wife will land on her feet away from this garbage.
My was-band never struck me and he thought he deserved some sort of heroic medal for this. Nope. The emotional abuse he dished out was very painful and I’ve never regretted taking myself out of that unfortunate situation.
Spot on. I’ve met two or so men who communicate like this and it is so utterly arrogant and well, false. People who speak like this are rarely intelligent. Any idiot can grab a thesaurus and craft some stupid sentences together. Only unintelligent people will find it intimidating. Actual intelligent people will see right through it.
So - these insecure guys just want an unintelligent audience to make them feel superior. What a sad foundation to build a life on! How exhausting!
I applaud your commitment to deciphering this guy's absolute nonsense. I got to admit, I did not make it through the entirety of his ramblings. There are entire ChatGPT discussions that communicate more clearly than he did - it made me wonder if someone wasn't having a laugh by auto-generating his responses.
I am a professional writer and I have two degrees in anthropology. I would be fired if I wrote like this. And I would never have passed my courses. There is something seriously wrong here - I’m wondering if this man is a troll, because this is so absurd. This is some of the worst writing I’ve ever read.
Sir, if you read this comment, please remove yourself from whatever social circles/weird online communities have taught you this is intelligence and learn how to communicate concisely and clearly. THAT is intelligence. Please get out of your bubble and meet different people.
Holy shit that was the most satisfying, glorious point by point response I have ever read to this kind of abusive gaslighting. Especially witnessing the dissection of his SUPER INTELLIGENT gibberish. Wow.
The only way I made it all the way through that godawful mess of a letter was because I was excited to see how completely Zawn was going to eviscerate him. Beautifully done!
How anyone could have a conversation with this man is beyond me. He comes across as trying to act more intelligent than he actually is and all anyone gets is a load of nonsensical rubbish. I am frustrated and annoyed just reading his garbage.
The second I read, "The numerous facets of the trans conversation" I knew this jackoff was not communicating in good faith. I'm trans. Fuck him. He's just another privileged man who thinks we are all DESPERATE to hear his many reasons why we should be exterminated.
Get out, letter writer. Kick his ass to the curb. Yes, the whole man. His kind do NOT change without some drastic shift in their lifestyle, and that means losing his mother-wife so he is forced to grow up.
I want to think this wife doesn't exist and this is all some neckbeard's weird way to get off, but unfortunately I am married to a man who isn't dissimilar sounding to this guy. When we were young and in college, I got taken in for this sort of discourse -- now a mom of 3 in my 30s, I can't think of someone more obtuse or exhausting.
I think you're right on the money with your thoughts on ND; my husband is a diagnosed (but willfully untreated) ADHD-er, and very likely somewhere on the spectrum. There is something inherent in the rigidity and tangential nature of this guy's nonsense that rings familiar.
I feel immense grief for this woman. It's hard.
The talking in nonsensical circles to the point of brain fog for the recipient is not a tactic I've ever seen deployed in good faith. It's almost as if someone is trying really hard to hide what he's really saying.🤔
Also ditto to Jennifer, that was a hellacious red flag.
I dated a guy like this for a (very short) time, and the vagueness is INTENTIONAL and purposeful. They do it so they can claim innocence when you actually read their intentions correctly. Then they'll cry foul, act like you're victimizing them and accusing them of things they didn't *aCktChUaLlY* say.
These guys want to be oppressed SO BAD🙄
Oh my goodness. Bruh.
I am raising two 'highly intelligent' 'alternatively educated basement nerds(D&D style)' and am married to man who is extremely successful in one of the 'nerdy elite' careers this guy mentioned. No one in my family has an easy or intuitive way with communication, much less conversational niceties.
All this to say that I am pretty practiced at parsing meaning and intention from the very people he is identifying himself with.
My 9-year-old can speak more intelligibly and empathically on topics like feminism and transness. My 9-year-old has a better understanding of their privilege and how it impacts their knowledge (or lack thereof) on issues affecting people with less privilege.
This is unbelievably sad. His wife deserves better. His daughters deserve better.
Hi, it's you, you're the problem, it's you.
I am a lawyer. I put that right in front because it is my literal job that I went to 7 years of college for to decipher and comprehend esoteric and often detail-laden arguments in writing. It is also my job to WRITE comprehensive arguments about esoteric bits of law and string them together in a way that makes sense to further my argument and position.
I. Cannot. Even. Tell. What you are trying to "communicate." I don't know what the topic of these "debates" or "conversations" is. I don't know what your position on the topic is. I don't know why you are trying to have the conversation or what happens if you do. I don't know anything other than that you seem to think very highly of yourself while also apparently believing that brains stop developing in high school.
But I can tell you this. Your wife DOES NOT WANT to "debate" feminism or the existence of trans people or anthropology. She especially doesn't want to debate those things with some guy who, absent any formal education in those subjects or in debate, has declared himself an "expert" and just makes vague statements about whatever "epiphany" he just had regarding them. She especially doesn't want to decode whatever the fuck you meant by your example regarding feminism and entertainment. I don't either, so I won't even be trying to figure out the point. You're wrong because you are just making shit up to argue about and then acting like you're doing her a FAVOR by "educating" her in these fields. In which you have no education or experience.
You are atrocious at communicating. And whether you know it consciously or not, always looking for a "debate" in your household and relationship is acting in bad faith. Not everyone wants to argue with you. Most people don't find it fun or edifying to argue with someone about random scientific or political concepts, especially when the person starting the "debate" has already declared himself an expert and The Winner.
The last guy I dated tried to do this shit at me about "physics." By which he definitely meant "a Fringe YouTube Channel I watched." He wanted me to "agree" that there's Loads Of Evidence to suggest we all live in a Matrix-like simulation. When I wouldn't entertain that "debate," he got all broody and mad at me for "not engaging in a discussion." The thing is, I did not want to have that discussion, there is no point to that discussion, and it would change my daily life exactly none if I were living in a "realistic simulation," which is probably not the case and likely not supported by any actual evidence gathered by real physicists. However, what WOULD happen if I decided to have that "discussion" is that it would last for DAYS and he'd never admit that his rectally-sourced opinion from some YouTuber wasn't equivalent to (or better than) any information shared by actual physicists whose entire life's work is figuring out the nature of the universe. He heard a thing he thought was "interesting," and he wanted an argument. That's it. He's not Extra Smart because he Noticed. He's just some fucking guy who spent his day eating snacks and watching YouTube. And I don't have to debate him or care about the subject at all.
Your wife doesn't want to argue with you. She doesn't HAVE TO argue with you or have a "friendly debate" about her life's experiences, or present you with "sufficient proof" that you are wrong while you move the goalposts. And she is FRUSTRATED by you continuing to shoehorn your random YouTube word salad opinions into regular conversations.
ETA: For someone who "prefers" the prose and/or speech patterns of the 19th Century, you are also very bad at that.
I love how you dissected all of his garbage. I found all of his excessively wordy sexist ramblings to be really hard to process, and for all that he called his wife "manipulative" I felt like all of his wordy sexist word salad to actually be quite manipulative and seemed kind of like gaslighting to me, at least my brain pretty much wanted to shut down when reading it the way it would when my abusive ex would send me gaslighting emails and I'd have to read them. In fact the way this guy communicates reminds me very much of my abusive ex, and leaves me concerned for his wife. There's just no empathy there, he's just so full of himself, and it's all so selfish and unconcerned at all with his impact on others. It was such a relief to see how you shut it all down and pick it apart - in fact the only reason I could continue reading all of his crap is I knew how you'd shut it down and was looking forward to seeing all of his manipulative statements getting picked apart, like I wish I could have done with my ex 20 some years ago when he'd pull stuff like that.
Zawn, I was just given this free book, and so far its amazing. This guy strikes me as the Mr Right type of abusive man described in the book. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I don’t have anything to add here with the exception that I hope that this person’s long-suffering wife will land on her feet away from this garbage.
My was-band never struck me and he thought he deserved some sort of heroic medal for this. Nope. The emotional abuse he dished out was very painful and I’ve never regretted taking myself out of that unfortunate situation.
Spot on. I’ve met two or so men who communicate like this and it is so utterly arrogant and well, false. People who speak like this are rarely intelligent. Any idiot can grab a thesaurus and craft some stupid sentences together. Only unintelligent people will find it intimidating. Actual intelligent people will see right through it.
So - these insecure guys just want an unintelligent audience to make them feel superior. What a sad foundation to build a life on! How exhausting!
I applaud your commitment to deciphering this guy's absolute nonsense. I got to admit, I did not make it through the entirety of his ramblings. There are entire ChatGPT discussions that communicate more clearly than he did - it made me wonder if someone wasn't having a laugh by auto-generating his responses.
I am a professional writer and I have two degrees in anthropology. I would be fired if I wrote like this. And I would never have passed my courses. There is something seriously wrong here - I’m wondering if this man is a troll, because this is so absurd. This is some of the worst writing I’ve ever read.
Sir, if you read this comment, please remove yourself from whatever social circles/weird online communities have taught you this is intelligence and learn how to communicate concisely and clearly. THAT is intelligence. Please get out of your bubble and meet different people.
And yes, stop being sexist too.
Holy shit that was the most satisfying, glorious point by point response I have ever read to this kind of abusive gaslighting. Especially witnessing the dissection of his SUPER INTELLIGENT gibberish. Wow.
The only way I made it all the way through that godawful mess of a letter was because I was excited to see how completely Zawn was going to eviscerate him. Beautifully done!
How anyone could have a conversation with this man is beyond me. He comes across as trying to act more intelligent than he actually is and all anyone gets is a load of nonsensical rubbish. I am frustrated and annoyed just reading his garbage.
You hit the nail on the head when you said that he thinks he's superior to her. You are the emperor and you have no fucking clothes.