Feminist Advice Friday: Why won't my wife let me explain feminism to her?

A male reader wonders why his wife won't let him explain feminism to her, and insists that his high intelligence makes him unable to communicate with her in the way she prefers.

I have to add a bunch of notes before I dive into this week’s letter, because it is a giant, waving “WTF” flag. There’s a lot of awful stuff here. I think this writer will really benefit from seeing how people respond to his problematic words and demeanor, so I encourage you to comment, even if you normally do not. However, I believe he contacted me in good faith. He really wants to do better, even if he is profoundly ignorant of his own faults and sexism. So let’s assume good faith, because people shut down and don’t listen when you don’t.

Also, this gets all the trigger warnings for gaslighting and misogyny and implying women are hysterical and just…this entire post is a mess. I have shortened the post and added paragraph breaks for readability, but have otherwise left it unedited because it needs to be read in its entirety.

A reader asks…

I'm one of those alt school kids who grew up with a single mom. Well, I'm married now to a fabulous woman and we team up great raising two strong, unafraid, untitled, thinking daughters but...we have a really hard time talking about contemporary anthropology. Topics like the numerous facets of the trans conversation, the history of feminism, the cultural effect of sexualizing a culture till we're all in rut or afraid to stand up.

I absolutely love her passion and strength of opinion but unfortunately it's preventing her from getting past my thesis statement(s). To be fair my brain finished it's highschool development with basement nerds(D&D style) who went on to be leading CGI guys, hard and soft ai guys, astro physics yada...to say that I have a way of communicating that runs people wrong who prefer a bit of enabling foreplay.

To be clear I believe that niceties are nice it's just hard to find the wisdom of prioritizing them over hard info. It's not a joke, she gets really frustrated quickly, cuts me off and starts attacking me in personal ways as a now predictable response when I challenge a narrative bequeathed to her by her emulations, fears or desires.

She's highly intelligent with a wonderful way about her when connecting with others so I know the prerequisites are there. The rub is: by my measure it's terribly wrong to manipulate those around you and it seems crazy to me that conversational enabling isn't exactly that, manipulation. Ultimately I just don't want us to get to the point where we stop trying to have an evolved convo so here I am extending binary to a stranger fer advice, but, you seem to be askin' fer it lol

I followed up and asked, “Can you give me an example of a topic in anthropology that triggers these arguments, an example of the assertions you make, and an example of how your partner responds, in as few words as possible?”

His response: Certainly not unprovoked I would make a statement like 'what seems to be the issue with modern feminism connecting with its intellectual roots is that we're now at least a generation deep in entertainment driven evolutions regarding feminism. I could go on to support the statement but that would stray from the purpose of my reaching out. I would be predictably interrupted soon after the statement leaving shoddy assumptions that manifest themselves in technically abusive verbal personal attacks rather that a direct response or clarifying question. I connect with her anger very easily and I hold her grey matter in high esteem but realize that she's preventing herself from getting past the break.

I followed up again and asked: so you have given me a specific example of things you say, but only a descriptor of what she says. "abusive verbal personal attacks" can mean a lot of different things, so what is an example of the sort of attack you experience?

His response: Starts with a 'well you think this is because of [ place a foible of mine ]',then after a bit of escalation it'll be well you think this because you are a [ Place a shitty Qualitative about myself ]'. To be very, very clear, I do no feel abused, were I to distinguish between revenge and escalation, the 'abuse' only inspires the latter and only to a point; we are a gentle family to be sure. I was attempting to use contemporary vernacular whereas myself, I subscribe to a late 19th century period for dictatorial accuracy.

My Answer

You communicate very poorly. I need you to hear that, so I’m going to say it again:

I have spoken with thousands of people about feminism over the years. I’ve counseled hundreds of people through my advice column and online Q&As.

You are the worst communicator of all of them, by far.

Your specific communication style is also a hallmark of sexist men. Men who talk this way about and to women always have serious issues with women. I know you’re engaging in intense sexism in your relationship because the way you talk to and about your wife is awful.

I’ve struggled with how to answer your letter, because there is so much here. But ultimately, I think what you need to hear is that your communication is absolutely awful. It’s not because you’re using big words or complex, beautiful prose. I’m a career writer with a degree in philosophy who is well-equipped to understand complex prose.

It’s not because you’re foregoing niceties either.

It’s because your communication is indirect, unclear, unspecific, and needlessly florid.

If this is how you communicate with your wife, this is why you are having a problem. It’s not because she is needlessly emotional or whatever. It’s because you are a bad communicator who has decided to blame her, rather than improve your communication skills.

I want to look at just one sentence to demonstrate the issue:

You are using way too many words, and hiding your meaning.

Instead of “certainly not unprovoked,” why not just say, “provoked?”

And I really don’t know what your thesis is? Is it that feminism focuses too much on popular culture? That feminism has abandoned its intellectual roots? What the fuck evolutions are you talking about? Even just a single sentence is impossible to decipher, let alone your fuller arguments.

The problems you are having are your fault. Even if everything you are saying about your wife is true—and there is evidence from your own letter that the stuff you’re saying is NOT actually true—you are still the one causing this problem.

Because I don’t know how else to respond to this absolute nightmarish mess of a word salad, I’m going to address what you have said line by line, and explain why literally each line of your speech is a goddamn nightmare:

My response to each line is in italics:

I absolutely love her passion and strength of opinion but unfortunately it's preventing her from getting past my thesis statement(s).

What you’re really saying here is that your wife is too emotional to communicate with you. This is insulting. The trope of the hyper-emotional, hysterical women is sexist in origin and nature. And because your communication is so unbelievably poor, it’s especially offensive to blame your communication difficulties on her.

To be fair my brain finished it's highschool development with basement nerds(D&D style) who went on to be leading CGI guys, hard and soft ai guys, astro physics yada...to say that I have a way of communicating that runs people wrong who prefer a bit of enabling foreplay.

It’s clear you’re trying to say you’re really smart, and that as a result you will not change your communication style. Intelligent people learn and grow from experience. They are able to adapt their communication style to their audience. Your problem here is not that you are too intelligent. It is that you refuse to improve your very poor communication. Of course she’s getting mad at you. You’re acting like a sexist asshole. Calling you sexist is not an insult; it’s a fact, bro.

To be clear I believe that niceties are nice it's just hard to find the wisdom of prioritizing them over hard info.

It's not a joke, she gets really frustrated quickly, cuts me off and starts attacking me in personal ways as a now predictable response when I challenge a narrative bequeathed to her by her emulations, fears or desires.

Here, you have decided you are the only one presenting cold hard facts, and she is reacting with emotion and not reason. Here’s how I know that’s not what’s actually happening: You are talking to her about FEMINISM. As a woman living in the world, she is an expert on the topic of women’s experiences, and you are an ill-informed novice. This is like when my toddler tells me I know nothing. It’s just patently absurd. Moreover, the way you speak about her is profoundly insulting and demeaning. If my husband spoke to me or about me this way, I would leave his ass. No one deserves to be with someone who has so little respect for them.

She's highly intelligent with a wonderful way about her when connecting with others so I know the prerequisites are there.

The rub is: by my measure it's terribly wrong to manipulate those around you and it seems crazy to me that conversational enabling isn't exactly that, manipulation.

So now, you are calling her manipulative. Another sexist trope. Your brain is so full of sexist word salad that you can’t see the problem right in front of you which is, again, that your communication is fucking terrible and you do not have anything approaching the knowledge and rationality you seem to think you do.

Ultimately I just don't want us to get to the point where we stop trying to have an evolved convo so here I am extending binary to a stranger fer advice, but, you seem to be askin' fer it lol

I am glad that you don’t want to get to that point. If that is really true, then I have to urge you to change your behavior immediately. This problem is your fault. I can tell you with absolute certainty, beyond any shadow of any doubt, that if you do not recognize this fact and begin changing immediately, your wife is going to eventually leave you.

Certainly not unprovoked I would make a statement like 'what seems to be the issue with modern feminism connecting with its intellectual roots is that we're now at least a generation deep in entertainment driven evolutions regarding feminism.’

This statement makes absolutely, literally no sense. You are presenting her a box, telling her it contains a brilliant idea, and then she opens the box and its filled with random words. Then you’re mad at her for being like, “why are you giving me this empty fucking box?”

Also, “what seems to be the issue with modern feminism…” is never, ever an appropriate way for a man to begin a sentence unless he has devoted YEARS to listening to women and learning about feminism from women. You can’t even listen to your wife, so I know you haven’t done that.

Sexism is a reality for your wife. You are turning it into a topic of fun discussion, and then you can’t understand why she gets upset. This is not because you’re too smart. It’s because you’ve devoted almost no actual thought to sexism, and instead want to blindly pontificate and get praise for empty content. You are the emperor, and you have no fucking clothes.

I could go on to support the statement but that would stray from the purpose of my reaching out. I would be predictably interrupted soon after the statement leaving shoddy assumptions that manifest themselves in technically abusive verbal personal attacks rather that a direct response or clarifying question.

I would call my husband sexist, too. And I would not be interested in engaging in further discussion. Also, when I asked you to identify what “abusive” language she was using, you did not identify any abusive language. So on top of acting like a dick, communicating in a manner so poor it should earn you some kind of award, and absolutely dripping with sexism, you are also now claiming to be abused when you are the one behaving abusively.

I connect with her anger very easily and I hold her grey matter in high esteem but realize that she's preventing herself from getting past the break.

She doesn’t want to get past the “break” because she knows what you’re saying is stupid and ill-informed. And that is your fault, not hers.

Starts with a 'well you think this is because of [ place a foible of mine ]',then after a bit of escalation it'll be well you think this because you are a [ Place a shitty Qualitative about myself ]'. To be very, very clear, I do no feel abused, were I to distinguish between revenge and escalation, the 'abuse' only inspires the latter and only to a point; we are a gentle family to be sure. I was attempting to use contemporary vernacular whereas myself, I subscribe to a late 19th century period for dictatorial accuracy.

So you said she responds abusively, then when asked for an example, could provide none. But there are plenty of examples of abusive and escalating behavior to which you have admitted here. Please sit with that: in your letter, where you attempt to depict yourself as the good guy, you still give multiple examples of absolutely horrible behavior.

Everything you have written here strongly suggests to me that you are incapable of self-assessment or of listening and learning from someone else. This is not a characteristic of hyper intelligence, and in fact, learning from others and critical self-reflections are necessary prerequisites to any form of intellectual growth.

So I’m pleading with you to please change tactics immediately. You are modeling abusive mansplaining to your children, and you are mistreating your wife, who is likely going to leave you the first chance she gets. So the question here is: Do you want to enjoy continuing to position yourself as superior to this woman until she leaves you? Or would you rather rethink your behavior and save your marriage?

If it’s the former, then please, do this poor woman a favor and let her leave now. You are doing incredible damage and she deserves better.

But if it’s the latter, I’m going to throw a bunch of thoughts at you and hope that perhaps some of them break through:

• For the next week, I want you to assume that everything you think about feminism, anthropology, and anything else is COMPLETELY WRONG. Approach the world from a place of true curiosity.

• For the next week, I want you to assume that you are constantly and aggressively behaving in sexist ways toward your wife. Assume she is an expert, that you are a dunce, and that every criticism she levels at you is 100% true. Act accordingly.

• I need you to practice communication. Every time you want to communicate something to your wife, I want you to find a way to say your piece in as few words as possible. Eliminate descriptors. Give evidence and examples. Be clear and direct. It would be a very good idea to take some classes on English composition or communication because I’m not sure you will be able to improve your communication on your own.

• Assume every miscommunication and argument with your wife is because of your poor communication. Then fix it until it improves. Do this for at least a month.

• Apologize to your wife right now for the ways you have condescended to her in conversation. Please. Your wife is a fucking saint. There are very few women in this world who would tolerate the sort of behavior you have outlined, and the communication you have demonstrated.

• You are part of the group of people that oppresses women. And you want to debate an oppressed woman about her own oppression. What the fuck is wrong with you that you think this is fun?

• You need therapy. The way you communicate is incredibly self-involved. It doesn’t show regard for your reader’s time, or indicate an earnest desire to communicate effectively and efficiently. I also wonder if there may be some underlying mental health issues contributing to this communication style. Disorderly thoughts can be symptoms of a number of diagnoses. I’m not diagnosing or judging you. I’m saying that, whether you’re struggling with your mental health or not, a therapist can help you express yourself more effectively, with more consideration for how your words are likely to be perceived.

Finally, I want you to consider something: You contacted a feminist writer with your question, and so presumably you’re at least somewhat familiar with my work, including how I have extensively written about the ways that men erroneously dismiss women as excessively emotional.

I am puzzled that you would think you would get a positive response or validation. Ultimately, your letter is all about what’s wrong with her. Not once do you ask me what you need to change. The entire point of advice columns is to seek advice about changing your own behavior since, of course, I’m not talking to her.

There’s this thing sexist men do a lot where they try to get women to validate their behavior. Then they can go back to their partner and say, “See? I’m not sexist! She agrees that you’re crazy!” It’s even better if they can get validation from a feminist.

Is that what you’re doing here? It sure seems like it.

You need to make fundamental, lasting, immediate changes in the way you think, talk, and communicate. Good luck.

Readers, please help.