Has he really changed?

"But I've changed, you fucking bitch" seems to be the party line of the abusive man.

“I’ve changed. Please take me back.” It’s the plea of the abuser returning for another round of abuse. And often, that plea comes interspersed with a ton of emotional violence:

• “Take me back or else I’ll take the kids.”

• “Take me back, you fucking bitch.”

• “I can’t believe you slept with someone else. I’ll destroy you if you don’t take me back.”

• “How dare you leave me?

A plea for reunification in the midst of emotional abuse is never a sign that someone has changed.

“Take me back,” though, can be the plea of someone who has really changed—if a number of green flags are present, and all forms of abuse are absent.

Abusers rarely change, and they never do so overnight. Still, though, people do heal. The very nature of abuse is that it is a choice, and an abuser can always choose to stop.

The cycle of abuse primes survivors to accept more abuse, while remaining hopeful that this time will be different. It can be hard to think critically and objectively about someone you love, whom you desperately want to love you back.

If you’ve gotten out once, though, you already know how hard leaving can be. So it’s important to proceed with extreme caution when a man says he has changed.

So how do you tell the difference between real, sustainable change and more manipulation and grooming?

For him to have truly changed, all of the following must be present. If any of these are absent, or are only intermittently present—such as when he apologizes for his behavior, then later blames you for it—then he is not committed to change:

• He can name all of the specific behaviors that ended the relationship, and why they were abusive/harmful.

• He shows no signs of being entitled to a relationship with you.

• If you are going through a divorce or custody dispute, he does not use this as a tool to get you to reunite. For example, he does not engage in a custody battle or refuse to sign divorce paperwork.

• He has completely ceased all of the abusive behaviors that ended the relationship for an extended period of time. If there was physical violence, the abuse must have stopped for at least one to two years.

• He makes no excuses, does not try to engage you in long, drawn-out arguments, and never demands anything from you in return for accountability.

• He is willing to change even if you do not agree to take him back. He does not view change as transactional, and understands that basic decency requires correcting his pattern of abuse.

• He does not recruit third parties to guilt you.

• He understands that abusive behavior comes from many different individual and social forces. He does not declare himself cured, and understands this will be an ongoing project. He can identify a plan for preventing abuse, and specific coping skills he is implementing to prevent further abuse.

• He fully admits to the abuse, and does not demand that you help him save face, that you conceal the abuse, or that you not seek outside support.

• He wants to make amends, not just get back together. Making amends means fixing the damage he has caused on your timeline, not on his. So if you need to be single for a year, he accepts that. If you need to him to replace items he has broken, he accepts that. He must be committed to making you whole. Otherwise he doesn’t understand that he has taken something from you.

• He can identify how he has changed—what he has done to achieve change. Blandly asserting that he has changed means that the odds are nearly zero it’s true. He should be able to identify the specific steps he has taken, over a period of time rather than overnight, to alter his behavior.

• He accepts that nothing justifies abuse. For example, he doesn’t tell you that he raped you because you withheld sex, or that he hit you because you cheated.

• He accepts the consequences of his actions, and he does not blame you for them. For example, he doesn’t tell you it’s your fault that he’s in jail, or that he lost his job because of his abuse.

• He does not blame abusive behavior on neurodivergence. And if he is neurodivergent, he has developed tactics to better manage his brain and his behaviors.

• He does not lob false allegations at you.

• He listens to your feelings without redirecting to his own needs and feelings.

• He does not display a sense of ownership over you or your body by berating you for dating other people when you were separated.

• He wants to develop a plan for equitably sharing household labor.

• He listens to and cares about your concerns and misgivings. He does not dismiss these, because he understands that abuse is scary and undermines your hope for the relationship.

• You have had many conflicts since he declared himself “changed,” and he has never engaged in abuse.

• He understands that his relationship with his children is separate from you. He works independently to make amends to them, and neither expects you to fix the relationship nor blames you for the problems in the relationship.

• He is living a healthy lifestyle on his own, rather than insisting that he can only be healthy (or employed, sober, etc.) if he reunites with you.

• If being separated is causing you specific harm, he is willing to mitigate that harm to give you more time. For example, if you struggled to get the children to all of their activities, he is willing to help. Or if finances are a concern and he has extra resources, he shares them. Doing so ensures that you can freely choose to get back together with him rather than being coerced into it.

No one can be perfect. Reunification does not require perfection, and it’s ok to accommodate minor slip-ups. But these slip-ups must be truly minor. Here are some examples of minor and major slip-ups:

• Minor: He expresses his frustration and sadness about your breakup, or indicates that it exacerbated some of his underlying trauma or other issues. Major: He blames you for ending the relationship, suggests that you should be remorseful, guilts you for ending the relationship, or argues that his abusive relationship was not serious enough to end the relationship over.

• Minor: He is insecure or anxious about getting back together, and might ask for a timeline or ask more than you are comfortable with—but he stops when you ask. Major: He prioritizes receiving comfort from you, or continues to demand answers. He makes threats that he won’t get back together with you if you don’t respond within a certain timeframe.

• Minor: He wants to talk about what each of you can do to make the relationship better. Major: He blames you, says your behavior was just as bad as his, or suggests that you must make amends to him for comparatively minor behaviors.

• Minor: He has other annoying, non-abusive personality quirks. For example, he might be distracted in some conversations. Everyone has negative or challenging qualities. Major: He engages in any abusive behavior, including financial, psychological, or emotional abuse, physical intimidation, or domestic labor inequity.

• Minor: He may feel insecure about the people you dated while separated. He may need to talk about it when you are ready. Major: He berates you for having relationships with other people.

Ultimately, abusive men are unlikely to change, especially with a partner they once abused. The reasons for this are myriad. Even if a man is able to overcome his abusive tendencies, though, it is unlikely that he will be able to make sufficient amends to a prior partner. A clean slate with someone you’ve abused is profoundly difficult.

So if you’re considering reuniting, proceed with caution. There is no cost to waiting—or rather, there should not be if he is truly committed to ending his abuse and to mitigating any material effects of the separation. But rushing things can mean undoing all the progress you have made, and ending right back in an abusive situation.

You deserve a good life, and you owe your abuser nothing. You are not an accommodation, a crutch, or a tool for a man to use to better himself. You’re a whole person.