I needed every word of this today. Seeing concrete examples is So helpful. This just validates all of the fears I had while still in it, and when he tried to get me back, and then it ultimately became violent. This is a true power source for sticking to your guns.
"You keep dragging up the past. I feel like all my hard work means nothing to you."
Getting upset that you can't just get over years of trauma as soon as they start behaving a little better means that they're actually *not* taking full accountability of the harm they've caused.
Boy, this was a timely article considering my ex reached out to me two weeks ago begging me to come back. It only took 2-3 responses from me to know that absolutely nothing had changed about him, as he immediately started saying things were just a “miscommunication” or that I was “blowing things out of proportion.” The only remorse he shows is for how miserable he is, not how much crap I had to put up with. The list of green flags you listed was helpful, as he demonstrated exactly zero of those behaviors. Definitely have zero regrets getting out of that relationship.
I really needed this today like others have mentioned. Hearing validation towards my feelings of being angry that I've been constantly asked if things will change during separation, and "I just want my wife back" when I've said what I've wanted to do. It feels awful to say what *I* want after being a doormat for him for so long, but these articles remind me that I'm worth respecting the boundaries I have set.
He has changed if he has actually done the work to change! His MINDSET must change because that is primarily what allowed him to treat you in abusive ways. After time away or when he is really afraid you will leave, an abuser can be very charming and appear to have changed. You need to ask yourself, "What has he actually DONE to change?" Has he gone to therapy? Has he gone to a men's support group? Has he stopped drinking/drugging and attended a 12-Step Group? If he hasn't done these things at the bare minimum, the only thing that has changed is the date on the calendar. Even if he has done these things you still need to be patient and observe his behaviors OVER TIME. An abuser is tricky because he has studied you and knows your weak points. He will be the perfect partner as long as he knows you are considering coming back. Watch how he treats you if resuming the relationship or coming back to him is off the table. If he has done his work, he will understandably be disappointed. If he was just playing the role of "Mr. Nice Guy" his true colors will shine through. Wait. Give it time.
I'm glad my ex doesn't want me back. I'd like to think that at this point I find him so repulsive (he is) that if he asked I would just laugh. I'm counting the days until our son turns 18 and I can block him forever.
Thank you for writing this. Now that we are almost two years post separation, he still says I need to acknowledge my part in our failed relationship. I have. So many times. I was the only one who apologized and attempted to make any change in that relationship (by appeasing him). When he says that, it really gets to me though and I don't know why.
2nd comment. LOL. Even "if" they have changed, for most women it's too late. My ex never changed but the wise words of Lundy Bancroft, author of "Why Does He Do That?" said that once a woman gets free (physically) she will inevitably ask herself "Why would I go back to that?"
A relationship that was a D- or even an F won't miraculously transform into a B or even an A level relationship.
For most women, especially as we get a little older, we realize it's not worth it and the thought of living your remaining 30, 40, years or so on this earth with that guy isn't appealing.
Like others, I needed this. I’m pre-separation, but it’s coming, and I have moments where I still question if I should. Your list is such a helpful reminder that he hasn’t accomplished any of these things, and he’s not going to be able to any time soon. I hope (at least for his sake) that he does, but I don’t want to be waiting around for those changes that may never come and accruing even more trauma while he’s “working on it.” Thank you.
I needed every word of this today. Seeing concrete examples is So helpful. This just validates all of the fears I had while still in it, and when he tried to get me back, and then it ultimately became violent. This is a true power source for sticking to your guns.
"You keep dragging up the past. I feel like all my hard work means nothing to you."
Getting upset that you can't just get over years of trauma as soon as they start behaving a little better means that they're actually *not* taking full accountability of the harm they've caused.
Boy, this was a timely article considering my ex reached out to me two weeks ago begging me to come back. It only took 2-3 responses from me to know that absolutely nothing had changed about him, as he immediately started saying things were just a “miscommunication” or that I was “blowing things out of proportion.” The only remorse he shows is for how miserable he is, not how much crap I had to put up with. The list of green flags you listed was helpful, as he demonstrated exactly zero of those behaviors. Definitely have zero regrets getting out of that relationship.
I really needed this today like others have mentioned. Hearing validation towards my feelings of being angry that I've been constantly asked if things will change during separation, and "I just want my wife back" when I've said what I've wanted to do. It feels awful to say what *I* want after being a doormat for him for so long, but these articles remind me that I'm worth respecting the boundaries I have set.
He has changed if he has actually done the work to change! His MINDSET must change because that is primarily what allowed him to treat you in abusive ways. After time away or when he is really afraid you will leave, an abuser can be very charming and appear to have changed. You need to ask yourself, "What has he actually DONE to change?" Has he gone to therapy? Has he gone to a men's support group? Has he stopped drinking/drugging and attended a 12-Step Group? If he hasn't done these things at the bare minimum, the only thing that has changed is the date on the calendar. Even if he has done these things you still need to be patient and observe his behaviors OVER TIME. An abuser is tricky because he has studied you and knows your weak points. He will be the perfect partner as long as he knows you are considering coming back. Watch how he treats you if resuming the relationship or coming back to him is off the table. If he has done his work, he will understandably be disappointed. If he was just playing the role of "Mr. Nice Guy" his true colors will shine through. Wait. Give it time.
I'm glad my ex doesn't want me back. I'd like to think that at this point I find him so repulsive (he is) that if he asked I would just laugh. I'm counting the days until our son turns 18 and I can block him forever.
Thank you for writing this. Now that we are almost two years post separation, he still says I need to acknowledge my part in our failed relationship. I have. So many times. I was the only one who apologized and attempted to make any change in that relationship (by appeasing him). When he says that, it really gets to me though and I don't know why.
2nd comment. LOL. Even "if" they have changed, for most women it's too late. My ex never changed but the wise words of Lundy Bancroft, author of "Why Does He Do That?" said that once a woman gets free (physically) she will inevitably ask herself "Why would I go back to that?"
A relationship that was a D- or even an F won't miraculously transform into a B or even an A level relationship.
For most women, especially as we get a little older, we realize it's not worth it and the thought of living your remaining 30, 40, years or so on this earth with that guy isn't appealing.
Like others, I needed this. I’m pre-separation, but it’s coming, and I have moments where I still question if I should. Your list is such a helpful reminder that he hasn’t accomplished any of these things, and he’s not going to be able to any time soon. I hope (at least for his sake) that he does, but I don’t want to be waiting around for those changes that may never come and accruing even more trauma while he’s “working on it.” Thank you.