I needed every word of this today. Seeing concrete examples is So helpful. This just validates all of the fears I had while still in it, and when he tried to get me back, and then it ultimately became violent. This is a true power source for sticking to your guns.
"You keep dragging up the past. I feel like all my hard work means nothing to you."
Getting upset that you can't just get over years of trauma as soon as they start behaving a little better means that they're actually *not* taking full accountability of the harm they've caused.
Super agree on this. I say, “do you expect me to just get over it? Human beings don’t work like that. I’m still mad etc… and I don’t know if/when that’s going to change. As long as I’m still hurting and I want to talk about it, you’re going to hear about it.”
Boy, this was a timely article considering my ex reached out to me two weeks ago begging me to come back. It only took 2-3 responses from me to know that absolutely nothing had changed about him, as he immediately started saying things were just a “miscommunication” or that I was “blowing things out of proportion.” The only remorse he shows is for how miserable he is, not how much crap I had to put up with. The list of green flags you listed was helpful, as he demonstrated exactly zero of those behaviors. Definitely have zero regrets getting out of that relationship.
I really needed this today like others have mentioned. Hearing validation towards my feelings of being angry that I've been constantly asked if things will change during separation, and "I just want my wife back" when I've said what I've wanted to do. It feels awful to say what *I* want after being a doormat for him for so long, but these articles remind me that I'm worth respecting the boundaries I have set.
He has changed if he has actually done the work to change! His MINDSET must change because that is primarily what allowed him to treat you in abusive ways. After time away or when he is really afraid you will leave, an abuser can be very charming and appear to have changed. You need to ask yourself, "What has he actually DONE to change?" Has he gone to therapy? Has he gone to a men's support group? Has he stopped drinking/drugging and attended a 12-Step Group? If he hasn't done these things at the bare minimum, the only thing that has changed is the date on the calendar. Even if he has done these things you still need to be patient and observe his behaviors OVER TIME. An abuser is tricky because he has studied you and knows your weak points. He will be the perfect partner as long as he knows you are considering coming back. Watch how he treats you if resuming the relationship or coming back to him is off the table. If he has done his work, he will understandably be disappointed. If he was just playing the role of "Mr. Nice Guy" his true colors will shine through. Wait. Give it time.
This is so true. After an incident, I left and he “changed” so much. But when he saw I wasn’t coming back on his timeline he said he was leaving the country.
Thank you for writing this. Now that we are almost two years post separation, he still says I need to acknowledge my part in our failed relationship. I have. So many times. I was the only one who apologized and attempted to make any change in that relationship (by appeasing him). When he says that, it really gets to me though and I don't know why.
Yes, totally. We had a big fight in December because I asked him to quit lying to people about the circumstances of our divorce. We have a decent co-parenting relationship and I wrongly thought I could communicate this boundary. That's when he laid into me about me taking accountability for the divorce. He cheated on me for 15 years.
lol, the audacity of that man. He cheated for FIFTEEN YEARS and thinks you played a role? How could you have saved a marriage with someone who was acting like he wasn’t in a marriage? I’d tell the biggest gossips in town what he did, show them proof, pretend you’re swearing them to secrecy, and let them roll. 💁♀️
His narrative is likely that she made him cheat. He’ll pick reasons. They’re all excuses and there’s no justification. But as an abuser he’ll never blame himself and if he ever did something wrong it was justified ‘because you...’. When my ex trashed our house in a drunken drug filled rage , he justified it as my fault because I went out to the garage to ask if he wanted dinner. If I hadn’t gone to the garage it wouldn’t have happened. He told me that. He had no remorse.
2nd comment. LOL. Even "if" they have changed, for most women it's too late. My ex never changed but the wise words of Lundy Bancroft, author of "Why Does He Do That?" said that once a woman gets free (physically) she will inevitably ask herself "Why would I go back to that?"
A relationship that was a D- or even an F won't miraculously transform into a B or even an A level relationship.
For most women, especially as we get a little older, we realize it's not worth it and the thought of living your remaining 30, 40, years or so on this earth with that guy isn't appealing.
There’s also the question: if you can treat me well now, why weren’t you treating me well then?
If he can listen empathically, make amends, clean up now…then there’s no reason he couldn’t have done so back then. But he chose not to. Because he didn’t value women’s time / life / well-being. Because he was entitled and thought women didn’t really matter.
If he can’t admit to his past sense of entitlement and derogation of women, then I’d seriously distrust the sincerity of his effort in the present.
Like others, I needed this. I’m pre-separation, but it’s coming, and I have moments where I still question if I should. Your list is such a helpful reminder that he hasn’t accomplished any of these things, and he’s not going to be able to any time soon. I hope (at least for his sake) that he does, but I don’t want to be waiting around for those changes that may never come and accruing even more trauma while he’s “working on it.” Thank you.
I am counting down to 18 so I can block too!
Same. We should start a club.
I needed every word of this today. Seeing concrete examples is So helpful. This just validates all of the fears I had while still in it, and when he tried to get me back, and then it ultimately became violent. This is a true power source for sticking to your guns.
"You keep dragging up the past. I feel like all my hard work means nothing to you."
Getting upset that you can't just get over years of trauma as soon as they start behaving a little better means that they're actually *not* taking full accountability of the harm they've caused.
Super agree on this. I say, “do you expect me to just get over it? Human beings don’t work like that. I’m still mad etc… and I don’t know if/when that’s going to change. As long as I’m still hurting and I want to talk about it, you’re going to hear about it.”
Boy, this was a timely article considering my ex reached out to me two weeks ago begging me to come back. It only took 2-3 responses from me to know that absolutely nothing had changed about him, as he immediately started saying things were just a “miscommunication” or that I was “blowing things out of proportion.” The only remorse he shows is for how miserable he is, not how much crap I had to put up with. The list of green flags you listed was helpful, as he demonstrated exactly zero of those behaviors. Definitely have zero regrets getting out of that relationship.
I really needed this today like others have mentioned. Hearing validation towards my feelings of being angry that I've been constantly asked if things will change during separation, and "I just want my wife back" when I've said what I've wanted to do. It feels awful to say what *I* want after being a doormat for him for so long, but these articles remind me that I'm worth respecting the boundaries I have set.
"I just want you to be my wife" is what I heard. What he meant was he wanted me to continue being his therapist, mom and sex maid.
I’m hearing the same thing. But with no action behind it
Words are too damn easy
He has changed if he has actually done the work to change! His MINDSET must change because that is primarily what allowed him to treat you in abusive ways. After time away or when he is really afraid you will leave, an abuser can be very charming and appear to have changed. You need to ask yourself, "What has he actually DONE to change?" Has he gone to therapy? Has he gone to a men's support group? Has he stopped drinking/drugging and attended a 12-Step Group? If he hasn't done these things at the bare minimum, the only thing that has changed is the date on the calendar. Even if he has done these things you still need to be patient and observe his behaviors OVER TIME. An abuser is tricky because he has studied you and knows your weak points. He will be the perfect partner as long as he knows you are considering coming back. Watch how he treats you if resuming the relationship or coming back to him is off the table. If he has done his work, he will understandably be disappointed. If he was just playing the role of "Mr. Nice Guy" his true colors will shine through. Wait. Give it time.
This is so true. After an incident, I left and he “changed” so much. But when he saw I wasn’t coming back on his timeline he said he was leaving the country.
ahh, yes...the honeymoon period when they swear they have changed only to revert to their old ways.
Yes! Such great points
Thank you for writing this. Now that we are almost two years post separation, he still says I need to acknowledge my part in our failed relationship. I have. So many times. I was the only one who apologized and attempted to make any change in that relationship (by appeasing him). When he says that, it really gets to me though and I don't know why.
I think after two years you can close the book on this conversation with him. You don’t owe him the same explanation a million times ❤️
Yes, totally. We had a big fight in December because I asked him to quit lying to people about the circumstances of our divorce. We have a decent co-parenting relationship and I wrongly thought I could communicate this boundary. That's when he laid into me about me taking accountability for the divorce. He cheated on me for 15 years.
lol, the audacity of that man. He cheated for FIFTEEN YEARS and thinks you played a role? How could you have saved a marriage with someone who was acting like he wasn’t in a marriage? I’d tell the biggest gossips in town what he did, show them proof, pretend you’re swearing them to secrecy, and let them roll. 💁♀️
His narrative is likely that she made him cheat. He’ll pick reasons. They’re all excuses and there’s no justification. But as an abuser he’ll never blame himself and if he ever did something wrong it was justified ‘because you...’. When my ex trashed our house in a drunken drug filled rage , he justified it as my fault because I went out to the garage to ask if he wanted dinner. If I hadn’t gone to the garage it wouldn’t have happened. He told me that. He had no remorse.
I'm not surprised of course, I just think it's important to highlight the absurdity of blaming cheating on the betrayed spouse.
2nd comment. LOL. Even "if" they have changed, for most women it's too late. My ex never changed but the wise words of Lundy Bancroft, author of "Why Does He Do That?" said that once a woman gets free (physically) she will inevitably ask herself "Why would I go back to that?"
A relationship that was a D- or even an F won't miraculously transform into a B or even an A level relationship.
For most women, especially as we get a little older, we realize it's not worth it and the thought of living your remaining 30, 40, years or so on this earth with that guy isn't appealing.
There’s also the question: if you can treat me well now, why weren’t you treating me well then?
If he can listen empathically, make amends, clean up now…then there’s no reason he couldn’t have done so back then. But he chose not to. Because he didn’t value women’s time / life / well-being. Because he was entitled and thought women didn’t really matter.
If he can’t admit to his past sense of entitlement and derogation of women, then I’d seriously distrust the sincerity of his effort in the present.
Like others, I needed this. I’m pre-separation, but it’s coming, and I have moments where I still question if I should. Your list is such a helpful reminder that he hasn’t accomplished any of these things, and he’s not going to be able to any time soon. I hope (at least for his sake) that he does, but I don’t want to be waiting around for those changes that may never come and accruing even more trauma while he’s “working on it.” Thank you.