Yes, and to add to it that this behaviour also applies to ourselves over time. We would rather avoid upsetting other people (who we perceive to have more power than us) than upset those we perceive to have less, as well as upsetting ourselves.
Trying to adjust ourselves to the more powerful can be an act of self betrayal.
However we do this all the time but I only hear complaints when people are asked to be considerate to those that have less power than them.
I think it is very human to bow to power. So perhaps your degree of "people pleasing" has more to do with the degree of power you (believe you) have compared to the people you surround yourself with?
Ideas for how to help teens learn this lesson when developmentally they’re feeling even more pressure about fitting in with the assholes and have less skill to speak up? I want my teen to not wait til midlife to find his voice
As the quiet, avoiding conflict person in my family (except those that I felt safe with having conflict with which weren’t many), I came through adulthood eventually to really not trust people pleasers for all of these reasons. I was subconsciously looking for someone who was strong enough to defend me and have my back from my abusive family. I did marry that. Sadly, he too ended up abusing me and didn’t help support me to be more assertive. He too was people pleasing (in a camouflaged way) to outsiders and failed to make sure I was safe. He saw himself as a protector in the typical patriarchal way but he came to be patriarchal in so many other ways. I still district people pleasers/conflict avoiders (as I became one too despite my brief respite of being one in my early- mid-20s). I sometimes feel like this maybe an unfair judgement of them but I worry they will not have my back when it counts and they will lie at the smaller things to avoid any discomfort.
As the quiet, avoiding conflict person in my family (except those that I felt safe with having conflict with which weren’t many), during adulthood I quickly did not trust people pleasers for all of these reasons you mention.
I was subconsciously looking for someone who was strong enough to defend me and have my back from my abusive family. I ended marry someone like that. Sadly, he too ended up abusing me and didn’t help support me to be more assertive. He too was people pleasing (in a camouflaged way) to outsiders and failed to make sure I was safe. I’m Latina and he white and he would stay silent at work when someone would say something racist. He could come home to tell me about it. I would ask what he said in response and it was always nothing. He saw himself as a protector in the typical patriarchal way but he came to be patriarchal in so many other ways. I still distrust people pleasers/conflict avoiders (as I became one too despite my brief respite of being one in my early- mid-20s). I sometimes feel like this maybe an unfair judgement of them but I worry they will not have my back when it counts and they will lie at the smaller things to avoid any discomfort. I know I will have to face my children one day regarding this as I chose to marry their abusive father and stayed way too long all while subconsciously avoiding conflict. When my child start to ask me to keep secrets from his dad and I thought that isn’t what people do in healthy marriages…did I start to see that maybe I wasn’t in a healthy marriage like I thought I was. I started to lie to avoid the conflict… then he became physically abusive for the first time, did the light bulb go off that I had to leave.
You are so deep. Thank you.
🔥🔥🔥
Omg we say "I don't want to upset people" because we don't think of the oppressed as people 😱
Yes, and to add to it that this behaviour also applies to ourselves over time. We would rather avoid upsetting other people (who we perceive to have more power than us) than upset those we perceive to have less, as well as upsetting ourselves.
Trying to adjust ourselves to the more powerful can be an act of self betrayal.
However we do this all the time but I only hear complaints when people are asked to be considerate to those that have less power than them.
I think it is very human to bow to power. So perhaps your degree of "people pleasing" has more to do with the degree of power you (believe you) have compared to the people you surround yourself with?
Ideas for how to help teens learn this lesson when developmentally they’re feeling even more pressure about fitting in with the assholes and have less skill to speak up? I want my teen to not wait til midlife to find his voice
As the quiet, avoiding conflict person in my family (except those that I felt safe with having conflict with which weren’t many), I came through adulthood eventually to really not trust people pleasers for all of these reasons. I was subconsciously looking for someone who was strong enough to defend me and have my back from my abusive family. I did marry that. Sadly, he too ended up abusing me and didn’t help support me to be more assertive. He too was people pleasing (in a camouflaged way) to outsiders and failed to make sure I was safe. He saw himself as a protector in the typical patriarchal way but he came to be patriarchal in so many other ways. I still district people pleasers/conflict avoiders (as I became one too despite my brief respite of being one in my early- mid-20s). I sometimes feel like this maybe an unfair judgement of them but I worry they will not have my back when it counts and they will lie at the smaller things to avoid any discomfort.
As the quiet, avoiding conflict person in my family (except those that I felt safe with having conflict with which weren’t many), during adulthood I quickly did not trust people pleasers for all of these reasons you mention.
I was subconsciously looking for someone who was strong enough to defend me and have my back from my abusive family. I ended marry someone like that. Sadly, he too ended up abusing me and didn’t help support me to be more assertive. He too was people pleasing (in a camouflaged way) to outsiders and failed to make sure I was safe. I’m Latina and he white and he would stay silent at work when someone would say something racist. He could come home to tell me about it. I would ask what he said in response and it was always nothing. He saw himself as a protector in the typical patriarchal way but he came to be patriarchal in so many other ways. I still distrust people pleasers/conflict avoiders (as I became one too despite my brief respite of being one in my early- mid-20s). I sometimes feel like this maybe an unfair judgement of them but I worry they will not have my back when it counts and they will lie at the smaller things to avoid any discomfort. I know I will have to face my children one day regarding this as I chose to marry their abusive father and stayed way too long all while subconsciously avoiding conflict. When my child start to ask me to keep secrets from his dad and I thought that isn’t what people do in healthy marriages…did I start to see that maybe I wasn’t in a healthy marriage like I thought I was. I started to lie to avoid the conflict… then he became physically abusive for the first time, did the light bulb go off that I had to leave.