How can I be less of a people pleaser? Feminist Advice Friday

A reader struggles with speaking out against injustice because of her people-pleasing tendencies.

A reader asks…

During a recent AMA session, a reader asked me, “How do you deal with women friends who advise you to keep quiet about your beliefs that may differ from the masses (example Gaza) and say things like I am ignorant to what’s happening so that’s why I stay quiet (when you know it’s just a brainwashed 1950s housewife mentality that we can’t have any opinions that are upsetting to men). Also women who prefer you to be quite perfect and small. Vs outspoken and take up space.”

In following up, she inquired about how she could work on her people-pleasing tendencies, because they make it difficult to speak out and challenging to disagree with friends.

My answer

I address a lot of this in “Can I be a nice person and still be a feminist?” There’s a lot of great discussion on that post, so I encourage you to start there.

I am always the first person in any room to stand up and yell about oppressive behavior. Even in activist groups, I’m often the first to notice problematic dynamics. It means I get a lot of opportunities to speak out for people who need my voice, but it has also caused me a lot of stress, and lost me a lot of relationships and opportunities.

I’ve always been this way. In third grade at my Catholic school, I went on a rant in front of my class about a woman’s right to have an abortion (not even really understanding what that means).

So it might surprise you to know that I also struggle with people-pleasing. I want people to like me. Who doesn’t? I was the kid who nobody really liked, because I was just so weird. I carry the wound of being the loser whom no one wanted to sit with at lunch with me to this day. Every time someone rejects me, I wonder if someone else—someone better, more likeable, more not-like-me—might be able to say the things I say without alienating them.

It’s hard. I get it.

But people pleasing does not have to be an obstacle to standing up for what is right. Here is why: You cannot please everyone.

Duh, right? That’s obvious. But it implies an important corollary: in every instance where you feel anxious about speaking out, you have to choose which party you are going to please.

Framing it this way makes it much easier.

In a hierarchical society, we are socialized to literally not see the oppressed as people.

So for example, a person might not speak out against racism at work, citing fears of angering people, without realizing that the act of not speaking out will also anger people—those victimized by racism.

In every situation, the choice is not actually “Do I please people or not?” It’s more like:

• Do I stand up for my child and teach her bodily autonomy, or do I kowtow to my pushy dad?

• Do I protect the BIPOC people I care about, or the racist asshole at work?

• Do I prioritize the feelings of people who would reject me for doing the right thing, or do I stand with the oppressed?

• Do I please my boss and reward him for sexually harassing someone, or do I protect his victim?

When you are silent in the face of oppression, you’re not actually being a people pleaser. You’re just being complicit.

We all have to make choices about whom we cater to, whom we respect, whom we protect, whose needs we center. Redirect your attention to centering the needs of the people who need you to speak out for them.

You will never regret losing a single friendship in the service of justice.

But if you continue ignoring the oppressed in favor of not rocking the boat, you will continue to feel guilty and uncertain, which will only lead to more people-pleasing.

The world needs your voice. Start using it.