Thank you for this thoughtful writing. Co-parenting with a toxic ex is so difficult. It feels like a chronic illness that totally consumes my life at times.
“ Please remember that your child is better off having part-time safety with you than living full-time with you and your ex in an unsafe environment. ”
This. This is true. It feels impossible to imagine when you are trapped in the relationship, but this is true.
I ended my marriage when I realized I couldn’t keep the kids safe from his physical violence by staying with him. Upon separation, I learned that it was much worse than I thought…and, of course, the kids thought I KNEW and it was ok. My babies thought I knew their father was punching them and hitting them. That was lesson number one with my kids: Mama will always listen and believe you, but you have to tell me. I don’t know what’s happening when I can’t see it happening.
Yes, he continued to hurt them after the separation. Yes, it was terrible. No, the courts didn’t protect the kids (gave him some custody anyway). I don’t have words for the terror I lived every time they went there. Unlike the courts, CPS helped a bit. They put him on 100% supervision when he was with the kids for a while.
I’d like the say this story has a happy ending, but their father got smarter about the violence and switched back to being violent around them (the psychological abuse never stopped) instead of violently touching them. But eventually, they grew up to the point that I could no longer physically force them to go (two were bigger than me), and they refused to return.
The most important job I had was to teach my kids was that I was a safe parent, and that violence toward them is never ok. We talked about social rules a lot. We talked about mysogyny too, but not directly about their father other than for me to listen. In our court case, I couldn’t tell them I would talk to the courts because ex had convinced the courts to order us not to speak of anything related to our case. Like you wrote, Zawn, I used general words like, “it’s never ok for an adult to punch a child.”
The kids couldn’t call anyone, even 911, from his house because after he assaulted one of our kids and the police did arrive, their father took all the phones and locked down all the devices. No calls, no emails, no texts. (Yes, that means that even though the Court said they could have a phone call with me once per night, he violated that. For over year, every other weekend, I had no idea if they were ok until he dropped them off (always late). Yes, all, it’s perfectly legal in my state in the US for a parent to remove all methods of contact, even with 911, from their child. I learned this when I tried to fight it.
But even so, the kids knew that they could tell their teachers. The kids knew they could call CPS (since CPS had worked with them). They knew they could tell their friend’s parents. And they eventually learned that I had no idea what had been happening. That I thought they were physically safe (though never emotionally safe) until the day two weeks before I left that showed me they weren’t even physically safe.
My kids were able to begin to heal in their part-time safety. It was better. Terrible. But better. They would tell you that too.
Thank you for this thoughtful writing. Co-parenting with a toxic ex is so difficult. It feels like a chronic illness that totally consumes my life at times.
“ Please remember that your child is better off having part-time safety with you than living full-time with you and your ex in an unsafe environment. ”
This. This is true. It feels impossible to imagine when you are trapped in the relationship, but this is true.
I ended my marriage when I realized I couldn’t keep the kids safe from his physical violence by staying with him. Upon separation, I learned that it was much worse than I thought…and, of course, the kids thought I KNEW and it was ok. My babies thought I knew their father was punching them and hitting them. That was lesson number one with my kids: Mama will always listen and believe you, but you have to tell me. I don’t know what’s happening when I can’t see it happening.
Yes, he continued to hurt them after the separation. Yes, it was terrible. No, the courts didn’t protect the kids (gave him some custody anyway). I don’t have words for the terror I lived every time they went there. Unlike the courts, CPS helped a bit. They put him on 100% supervision when he was with the kids for a while.
I’d like the say this story has a happy ending, but their father got smarter about the violence and switched back to being violent around them (the psychological abuse never stopped) instead of violently touching them. But eventually, they grew up to the point that I could no longer physically force them to go (two were bigger than me), and they refused to return.
The most important job I had was to teach my kids was that I was a safe parent, and that violence toward them is never ok. We talked about social rules a lot. We talked about mysogyny too, but not directly about their father other than for me to listen. In our court case, I couldn’t tell them I would talk to the courts because ex had convinced the courts to order us not to speak of anything related to our case. Like you wrote, Zawn, I used general words like, “it’s never ok for an adult to punch a child.”
The kids couldn’t call anyone, even 911, from his house because after he assaulted one of our kids and the police did arrive, their father took all the phones and locked down all the devices. No calls, no emails, no texts. (Yes, that means that even though the Court said they could have a phone call with me once per night, he violated that. For over year, every other weekend, I had no idea if they were ok until he dropped them off (always late). Yes, all, it’s perfectly legal in my state in the US for a parent to remove all methods of contact, even with 911, from their child. I learned this when I tried to fight it.
But even so, the kids knew that they could tell their teachers. The kids knew they could call CPS (since CPS had worked with them). They knew they could tell their friend’s parents. And they eventually learned that I had no idea what had been happening. That I thought they were physically safe (though never emotionally safe) until the day two weeks before I left that showed me they weren’t even physically safe.
My kids were able to begin to heal in their part-time safety. It was better. Terrible. But better. They would tell you that too.
Fantastic article. Thank you so much, Zawn !!!