How can I talk to my child about my ex's behavior without badmouthing my ex? Feminist Advice Friday
Talking about healthy relationships without badmouthing an abusive ex.
A reader asks…
How do you let a child know his father's behaviors, patriarchal actions and his ways of thinking, gaslighting, etc are all toxic and negative without talking bad or pointing out a child's own parent? And when do you start letting them know this? I find that either way, the child will eventually think that you are not sided with the other parent which could build resentment or hate for one parent or another. What's the safest and best way to handle this other than having other men as good examples? I think it needs to go further than that, because children normalize everything in the home.
My answer
This is so hard, and the fact that you’re thinking about it speaks to your commitment to being a great parent. If you’re still involved in a custody dispute, or have reason to believe that you might be fighting over custody in the future, you need to talk to a lawyer before you have this conversation. That’s because the things you say to your child—even if they are accurate, developmentally appropriate, and supported by psychological research—can be used against you in a family court system that is biased against mothers and cares little for child well-being.
It’s not fair, and the natural inclination is to want to fight back, and perhaps even lash out. But if you don’t play by the family court system’s rules, they will punish you harshly—potentially by taking custody of your child. I write in more detail about how to navigate these discussions in the context of the family court system here.
But you didn’t mention a custody battle, so I’m going to assume that’s not happening. As you have these discussions, I want you to keep in mind three distinct goals:
Your child deserves to feel like they can safely love both parents, and to make their own decisions about their relationships.
Your child deserves information about healthy relationships, and support to understand what has happened in their own family.
Your child must have their experience validated, and you should never gaslight them.
It’s also important to remember that there is no such thing as a neutral story about your marriage, your divorce, or how your ex treats your family. Even saying nothing at all is a very significant choice that conveys much. So forget about neutrality, and think instead in terms of what is in your child’s best interests at each age and stage of development.
Before you begin the discussion, think about what you want to share. Your child does not need to know details that are irrelevant to them, such as that your ex cheated. Instead, the goal should be to give them age-appropriate, relevant information that keeps them safe and that does not normalize any maltreatment by your ex.
No matter how old they are, the safest option is to phrase the discussion in terms of behaviors that are healthy unhealthy, rather than labeling specific people (including your ex). Some scripts you might use include:
“A lot of men think women should do the majority of the parenting and housework. That’s not true, and it hurts women and society. I think women and men are equals, and should do equal work. What do you think?”
“It is never ok for anyone, ever, to insult you or call you names.”
“There is nothing you can ever do that should ever make an adult hit you, hurt you, or try to make you scared. It is always wrong, and if that ever happens, it is important to tell me right away.”
For a teenager or older child: “What do you think are some dating red flags? Here are some behaviors that mean a relationship is not safe…”
“Some adults don’t think kids’ feelings matter. That’s not true. When that happens to you, you can always come to me.”
Here, you are talking about healthy relationship behaviors disconnected from your child’s father. It can, however, be helpful to give a real-world example that does not involve your ex. For instance, if you are remarried to someone who shares the load, you might point out the ways in which he does so. Or you can use examples from your own life. “When I was a kid, my dad sometimes hit me. I worried that I deserved it because I made him mad, but now I know that it is always wrong for an adult to hit a kid.”
These discussions must be ongoing and integrated into daily life. There’s no single sentence that will reverse the harmful norms to which your child has been exposed, nor a high-stakes conversation that you must get right to keep your child safe. Like everything else in parenthood, it’s a marathon, not a sprint.
If your child feels safe coming to you, and if your ex mistreats them, they may start sharing this mistreatment with you.
It is critically important not to gaslight them with phrases like, “Well, daddy loves you” or “Daddy is trying his best,” because this teaches your child to conflate abuse and love.
Instead, validate. Explain a better behavior, then offer help—but only as much help as you can. Don’t make false promises like “I’ll make sure daddy never does that again.”
Some scripts that might help:
“Daddy should never do that to you, and I promise I will keep you safe here. When daddy is angry, he should talk to an adult. I will talk to daddy about this.”
“Right now, the courts say you have to spend time with daddy. I will do everything I can to keep you safe, including talking to the court and daddy.”
“You can always talk to [safe, available adult at the other house] if you feel scared.”
“If things get really scary at daddy’s house, you are always allowed to call 911.”
Be prepared for your child to defend and sometimes even side with your ex. This is developmentally normal for a variety of reasons—not a sign that you have lost your child or that they will grow up to become an abuser. If, however, you act as if all is lost when your child does this, you may eventually lose your child’s trust.
Remember this is a child going through a difficult period, who has to make sense of their world. They’re not obligated to make you feel good, or even to believe you. But you are obligated to protect them and love them at all costs. Don’t make the mistake of seeing them through the lens of your abusive ex. Don’t make adult attributions. Your five-year-old is not a budding misogynist, and your 10-year-old is not abusing you. It will be tough to remember this when your child treats you in ways that remind you of your ex, but responding in a gentle, loving, developmentally appropriate manner in these difficult moments remains one of the most important things you can do for your child’s well-being.
Please remember that your child is better off having part-time safety with you than living full-time with you and your ex in an unsafe environment. Their time with you gives you plenty of opportunities to model healthy relationships and love. It’s not ideal, and I know you wish you could protect them fully from the abuse, but this is reality for now.
Hang in there. By modeling love to the next generation, you pass the baton of progress on, bringing us a little closer to liberation for all.
Thank you for this thoughtful writing. Co-parenting with a toxic ex is so difficult. It feels like a chronic illness that totally consumes my life at times.
“ Please remember that your child is better off having part-time safety with you than living full-time with you and your ex in an unsafe environment. ”
This. This is true. It feels impossible to imagine when you are trapped in the relationship, but this is true.
I ended my marriage when I realized I couldn’t keep the kids safe from his physical violence by staying with him. Upon separation, I learned that it was much worse than I thought…and, of course, the kids thought I KNEW and it was ok. My babies thought I knew their father was punching them and hitting them. That was lesson number one with my kids: Mama will always listen and believe you, but you have to tell me. I don’t know what’s happening when I can’t see it happening.
Yes, he continued to hurt them after the separation. Yes, it was terrible. No, the courts didn’t protect the kids (gave him some custody anyway). I don’t have words for the terror I lived every time they went there. Unlike the courts, CPS helped a bit. They put him on 100% supervision when he was with the kids for a while.
I’d like the say this story has a happy ending, but their father got smarter about the violence and switched back to being violent around them (the psychological abuse never stopped) instead of violently touching them. But eventually, they grew up to the point that I could no longer physically force them to go (two were bigger than me), and they refused to return.
The most important job I had was to teach my kids was that I was a safe parent, and that violence toward them is never ok. We talked about social rules a lot. We talked about mysogyny too, but not directly about their father other than for me to listen. In our court case, I couldn’t tell them I would talk to the courts because ex had convinced the courts to order us not to speak of anything related to our case. Like you wrote, Zawn, I used general words like, “it’s never ok for an adult to punch a child.”
The kids couldn’t call anyone, even 911, from his house because after he assaulted one of our kids and the police did arrive, their father took all the phones and locked down all the devices. No calls, no emails, no texts. (Yes, that means that even though the Court said they could have a phone call with me once per night, he violated that. For over year, every other weekend, I had no idea if they were ok until he dropped them off (always late). Yes, all, it’s perfectly legal in my state in the US for a parent to remove all methods of contact, even with 911, from their child. I learned this when I tried to fight it.
But even so, the kids knew that they could tell their teachers. The kids knew they could call CPS (since CPS had worked with them). They knew they could tell their friend’s parents. And they eventually learned that I had no idea what had been happening. That I thought they were physically safe (though never emotionally safe) until the day two weeks before I left that showed me they weren’t even physically safe.
My kids were able to begin to heal in their part-time safety. It was better. Terrible. But better. They would tell you that too.