How do I stop negatively comparing myself to other women? Feminist Advice
A reader feels competitive with other women, and knows it's partially because of past male abuse.
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A reader asks…
How can I stop comparing myself to other women in a negative way? I find this habit particularly present when I'm in relationships with men or when they parade around their new partners after me. I know part of me doing the comparison is because these men would comment on other women being attractive or successful, while not giving me any verbal appreciation. However, I think this comparison brain habit of mine is more deeply ingrained than some asshole boyfriends. It seems to be a patriarchy artifact and I can't seem to shake it!
My answer
Have you ever felt less confident giving a presentation because you thought you did not look sufficiently attractive? Or been distracted doing something important because you were thinking about how you looked?
This happens because patriarchy indoctrinates us from birth to see ourselves as products. The value of a product is not intrinsic or individual; it is in the eye of the buyer. And that buyer is a man. No wonder women feel they have to compete with one another.
This competition with other women serves another purpose, too: it separates us from our peers, cutting us off from community, which makes us more vulnerable to male abuse. It’s not an accident.
This enculturation as a product is also what causes you to compare yourself to other women. When you’re taught to self-objectify, to view yourself as a product lacking intrinsic value, then anyone who seems to do, or, think, or be anything impressive becomes a threat.
You are absolutely right that this is a deeply ingrained brain habit designed to oppress you, make your life worse, and encourage you to continuously perform for the male gaze. The very idea that one person can be “better” than another is rooted in the notion of people as products. Every time you feel threatened by the goodness or success of another woman, you are self-objectifying.
Our feelings, however, are remarkably impermeable to reason. Knowing something harms you is rarely sufficient to inspire change.
The good news here, though, is that the problem doesn’t reside in your brain. Just as we blame women’s hormones for postpartum depression and their periods for their anger at men, we tend to label women’s behaviors as “irrational” when those behaviors have been taught by years of relationships with men.
The problem has been the men you are with, who comment favorably about other women without offering you similar favor. This is deliberate; they are trying to induce insecurity and jealousy, because insecurity is a great way to get a woman to stay in a relationship and ask less of her partner. As soon as a man begins making you feel this way, or attempting to make you feel this way, it’s a sign you need to run. Feeling insecure around an attractive, smart, or successful woman is often an early sign that your relationship leaves you feeling unsafe.
But what if this behavior continues once you leave the low value men behind? I think it’s unlikely that it will, because when you no longer over-value men, you no longer feel the need to compete with other women for their attention. Brains are weird, though, and intrusive thoughts can take some time to eliminate.
One of the best ways to cope with intrusive thoughts is to replace those thoughts with something more helpful and accurate every time they appear. Consider your intrusive thoughts an opportunity to remind yourself of the ways patriarchy is attempting to hack your brain.
Consider asking yourself the following questions when these thoughts spring up:
In what way does this thought process harm me? How does it harm the other woman? How does it collectively harm women?
Who benefits when I think this way? What power structure is this thought preserving?
Can I find a way to enjoy this woman’s talent/beauty/kindness without feeling like it’s a threat?
Could I become her friend instead of viewing her as a competitor?
What memories is this bringing up for me? In what ways have men weaponized this competitiveness in the past?
In patriarchy, men will always be the biggest threat to us—to our earnings, our safety, our very existence. They pose such a threat, that I’ve written before that violence against women is effectively legal. It’s in patriarchy’s interest for you to underestimate the threat, and instead direct your skepticism toward your natural allies—other women.
Use those Intrusive Thoughts as an Opportunity to make a woman's day and maybe make a friend.
If you're over here thinking "ugh her hair is so perfect and shiny and I will never be able to have that hair," COMPLIMENT HER AND ASK ABOUT IT. Tell her "your hair is gorgeous! Who does it?" Start a conversation instead of taking the next step Patriarchy trained you for. She isn't your enemy and she isn't a Vain Bitch and she might just be your new friend (or the person who recommended your ner favorite stylist).
If someone seems So Smart, TELL HER. Because I guarantee you that some men, somewhere, have used it as a way to insult her ("you just think you're too good for anyone"). I guarantee that wherever you noticed her Being Smart, she is probably trying so hard to seem smaller and actually playing way down. Tell her she is smart and impressive and do not say anything self-deprecating. Just say "wow you're very smart" or "it must've taken so much work to learn all that."
Someone's wearing a dress you "could never wear because of (some reason that probably isn't true)"? Tell her you love the dress. Instead of judging her ("slut, bitch, vain, rich, showoff, etc.") or judging yourself ("I'm too fat/not pretty enough/too ugly/whatever"), tell her that color is great on her. Tell her how bright she shines. Tell her you like her style. Ask her where she shops because every woman everywhere LOVES sharing Style Tips and Sale Information.
Eventually, you won't even have the Bad Comparison thoughts anymore because you've successfully programmed yourself to see Attributes instead of Antagonists.
Men do this on purpose. On several occasions I’ve had men point out that they’ve slept with other women or that particular women likes them (if that’s even true - men think any woman that looks their way likes them) and it’s always been like, okay then what are you doing here with me. They hate when you have enough confidence to encourage them to pursue what they want, when what they are really using other women for is to gain compliance and submission from you. They play women as always in competition for their attention and these are usually men using multiple women. I don’t compete - please go find what you truly want and I appreciate the sooner the better so they don’t waste my time and energy.
There definitely is an internalized misogyny here that seems unavoidable though or maybe it’s externally and socially imposed. I hope the right people end up together - and I know if I have to compete for a human relation - it’s not a relation.
They also do this to separate women from women - so they can’t compare notes. Pay very close attention when men say bad things about women - because they probably don’t want you two to figure out what he’s been doing. How men talk about women tells you what’s going on inside them - and it’s usually horrifying.