'Men just grieve differently:' How we excuse men from meeting their partners' emotional needs

During life's worst moments, abusive men turn away from their partners. And society excuses it with false claims about gender differences.

“Men just grieve differently.”

“He never learned how to support you.”

“He’s struggling, too. That’s why he’s being so aggressive. Men show sadness through anger.”

“He might seem abusive and angry, but he’s grieving. The best way to get support from him is to support him.”

“Men don’t know how to support women when they’re grieving. You need to look to friends.”

These are just a few of the comments I’ve heard in an infant loss support group I’m part of. But they’re not limited to infant loss. Everywhere I look, I see women facing the hardest moments of their lives—the death of a baby, infertility, the death of parents, a child’s life-threatening illness—and being told that they just can’t expect their husbands to support them because men grieve differently.

And it’s not just that expecting support from these low value men is too much. Apparently women should also normalize abuse as some sort of misplaced grief.