Moms: You don't have to lose it this Thanksgiving
Moms: You don't have to lose it this Thanksgiving
No, really. I promise I won't tell you to thank your husband more.
Next week, American families will gather ‘round the Thanksgiving table to ignore the National Day of Mourning, pretend the slaughter of indigenous people never happened, perhaps turn indigenous bodies into costumes and decorations, and then watch children put on helmets and body slam each other into brain damage in a beloved tradition we for some reason call football celebrate all they are grateful for.
For most married heterosexual mothers, the gratitude list is long. We are grateful that we get to work full-time, then come home to a second shift of childcare. We are grateful that there’s still no guaranteed paid leave in this country, and that we are therefore inspired to work hard. We are grateful for out husbands, because they tell us we should be even as they sit around and do nothing while we do everything. Ah, what a time to be alive.
For most mothers, the time between Thanksgiving and Christmahanukwanzmasnewyear is a time of near-total exhaustion. We’re treated as servants at home, as inadequate at work. And if we push back on any of it, we’re told to stop being so ungrateful, so lazy, so entitled, even though we work harder and are more productive than anyone. If that doesn’t work, we’ll be treated to a heaping plate of mom guilt to put us back in line and convince us we deserve nothing.
Fuck that.
This is not another piece about being grateful and reminding your lazy-ass husband that he needs to change a diaper and then you’ll be oh-so-grateful. This is about reality. And reality really sucks for a lot of moms. This doesn’t mean you’re powerless. Improving the holidays begins with recognizing them for the scam they are, then trying to build something better. Here’s my best advice for not wanting to murder your family this holiday season.
Know how the holiday scam works
Breaking the cycle of holiday guilt, overwhelm, exhaustion, and resentment requires you to understand how the holiday scam works.
It goes like this:
We tell mothers they have to make the holidays magic for their children. This message is specific to mothers. For some reason, we’ve decided that even though fathers do less childcare and housework, it’s somehow fair for mothers to have to do even more during the holiday season.
We guilt mothers for any failure to maximize all opportunities to make the holidays magic. Oh, you’re not willing to get up at 5AM so you can clean the house and get work done before dressing your child in festive attire to see Santa and then going on 14 playdates while your husband sleeps? Sorry you’re such a shitty mom!
We use that guilt to deter moms from asking for better, or different, from their partner. How very dare you ask your partner to wrap half the presents? You’re a shitty mom who’s already falling down on the job, and now you can’t even wrap presents?! Are you a shitty wife, too?
Then we tell women that everything will be fine if they just ask for help in the right way—always help, never equality, because of course it is mom’s job to do everything and men’s job to enjoy life and realize their full potential. He can’t know what to do if you don’t tell him (because apparently men are perma-babies and incompetence is carried on the y chromosome) but also don’t nag him because men don’t like that! And also be sure to praise him and communicate with him via his love language, especially if his love language is pressuring you to have sex you don’t want, grinding against you for 35 seconds, then falling asleep. Don’t ask about your love language, though! That’s selfish. Do you want to be selfish!
When things get overwhelming, and mothers inevitably feel overwhelmed and resentful, we tell them to focus on what really matters—not all that meaningless shit they’ve been doing like buying presents and arranging playdates. GOD WOMEN ARE JUST SO SUPERFICIAL.
And the cycle repeats: You must do this work, get no help, feel exhausted, feel bad about being exhausted, and then be told that your work didn’t matter and that also it’s not work because mothers must love every minute.
You may not be able to change this cycle. But recognizing it can help you feel less crazy.
Demand better from your partner—and take stock if he doesn’t deliver
That dude napping on the couch? Mr. “How can I know children need food to live if you don’t tell me?” King “I thought a magical elf just delivered and wrapped all of these presents.”
That dude.
He is every bit as responsible for making the holidays great as you are.
Tell him to get off his ass and get to work. Tell him your time and your life matter too. If he disagrees, consider whether you want to still be with him next holiday season. What’s the point of having a partner who’s not a partner?
Don’t bail your partner out
Stop doing the things your partner is too lazy and entitled to do.
Stop protecting him from the consequences of his actions.
Do not buy presents for his parents. Do not take care of his holiday plans. Let him feel the weight of things not getting done for once. Relax while that weight pushes down on him.
Do the things you like
Your kids will enjoy holiday traditions more if you enjoy them, too. If you hate cooking, fuck it. If you don’t want to watch the movie, take a family nap. You are entitled to enjoy the holidays, too.
Traditions exist to oppress women
Traditions don’t spring up out of nowhere. They exist for a reason. And a lot of holiday traditions—endless cooking, endless cleaning and entertaining—are designed to keep women busy and overwhelmed while men relax. Stop doing things just because they’re tradition.
Order takeout. Sleep in. Garden instead of shop on Black Friday. Make new traditions that make you feel good. And if anyone pushes back and whines about tradition? Tell them to do the work of keeping up the tradition.
Know what boundaries are, and how to enforce them
You cannot control others. This is where a lot of people go wrong with boundaries. They mistakenly assume that drawing a boundary means it will be respected. This isn’t reality.
Boundaries are for you. They are guidelines for how you will behave to protect your own peace, for what you will do if someone disregards your needs. You deserve the freedom and protection that comes from enforcing your own boundaries. So spend some time thinking about what those boundaries are, and how you will hold the line.
Finally, remember: The holidays don’t have to be perfect. They don’t even have to be good. Your children will not be traumatized by an un-magical Christmas, but endless fighting and resentment definitely is bad for them. Do what you can to maintain safety and calm, even if it means compromising on the “magic” (which is really just another word for free labor by women).
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