My husband doesn't celebrate my birthday: Bad Advice Friday (paid subscriber bonus)

This letter perfectly embodies what goes wrong in couples therapy, and how even therapists participate in the gaslighting of women.

Bad Advice Friday is a twist on my usual Feminist Advice Friday. In this semi-regular column, I look at the bad advice other columnists have given. The bad advice is often rooted in patriarchal norms, in the idea that women’s emotions really don’t matter, and in the cultural practice of centering men’s desires at the expense of women’s needs. You can find a complete list of previous bad advice columns here.

The problem

A woman writes to Slate with a common problem: Her partner does not get her gifts for her birthday. She’s asked him to change this, but it doesn’t change.

The letter itself is a rich text of patriarchal bullshit. Her husband initially refused to commit to her, she drops hints about what she needs but can’t communicate directly, and there’s zero evidence of anything of value this man brings to the relationship.

Our fearless advice giver is a beloved couples therapist who seems to have looked up patriarchal bullshit in the encyclopedia and then committed herself to embodying it as well as possible.