"Give him a chance!" they cried, after I put up with his drunken unemployed, lazy, useless golf-playing, money-pilfering, mortgage non-paying, gaslighting, child-endangering ass for over a decade. He had his chance. He had 20 million chances. When I stopped listening to the Patriarchal Chorus of "Give Him a Chaaance" is when I started to heal. Brava once again, Zawn.
I wish family court would take this advice. My ex is on his next "chance" after passing out drunk with our toddler during his parenting time, and not dropping her back off when he was supposed to. Our judge says this is the last chance for him to keep unsupervised visits and get sober before he steps down to supervised visits only.
Meanwhile, I have a friend who lost all custody and contact with her children for helping her kids report their dad's abusive behavior (kids were both unwilling to go to his house, having panic attacks, etc.). Because holding a man accountable and protecting your kids is somehow worse than passing out drunk during your own parenting time?
Family court is hell on earth. My drunk ex put put our kids in danger but zero people involved in our custody case felt this meant he shouldn't share custody (unsupervised). Judges, GALs, forensic psychologist, parent coordinator all decided we were *both* problematic; ya know, because I was not happily agreeing to let Drunky McShitface have our young kids 50/50.
Also, "you're not nice" is an ultimate argument in every discussion with my STBX.
It's just so dumb. Starts a conversation he knows sh1t about the subjects, cannot talk in civilized manner - goes personal, tries to ridicule my point, stereotypizes my answer putting it in a black and white box making it a different information (probably just wanted to argue, not talk), uses "logic" of a dumb man whom he hates and I point that out as he compared my line of thinking (but wrongly though) to similar stuff... he'll go furious WHY AM I UNKIND TO HIM?!
After saying, that the single criterium whether something's nice or not is dependent on who's saying that, me, or him, and he just did exactly the same to me, several times, goes pikachu face and silent, never apologizing or saying he not only was wrong (it was a simple matter, 10sec googling) but acted like a douchebag. Nope. Never. It was me who was UNKIND and this is the ultimate argument.
I am so sorry! But glad he's STBX! And not current!
Ugh! This thing we we ask them to have some empathy and be *less cold* yet when we're like 2% as cold as they are they say we're being horrible people!
Yes, the last article from series weapons sexist men use - "you're the abusive one" is pretty much real. It fks with your brain so much. I am not a submissive person or a people pleaser (just a kind person but autistic and can't swallow bullshit) yet I believed him that the problem is me because I was depressed (not entirely because of him, but looking back, he had his major part in keeping me under the water for own benefits). For 10 bloody years.
But unless him, I've been doing the work on myself because of that and it occurred that he is just uncapable of love and as much as I had some mental issues, he is just a purely toxic, egocentric person that can't even handle stating a fact like "you closed me in the hot bathroom, put heavy packages just behind the door, and didn't hear me screaming as I couldn't get out" - even that got him trying to blame me for something, defensive and bullshit spitting.
And now it's really awkward when I just don't engage in toxic behaviors, he doesn't really know what to do so it ends up with weeping "you're not nice". Like he would ever be nice to me. It's truly pathetic to watch.
We do believe them hey!! and when we tell other women to be careful men say WE'RE the ones spreading fear and hate...
I am so sorry that happened to you! But also so glad you got out!! UGH they can do THE most abusive behaviour and then blame US for it... their lack of willingness to do any self work! or they only do things that prove them right...
omg the "youre not nice" is the worst- like so what? "nice" doesnt really mean anything tbh.... Nice doesn't mean kind, it doesnt mean respect, there is no real backing for it... e.g. a kid wants a 3rd lollipop... the "nice" thing to do is keep giving it lollipops.. the KIND thing to do is set a limit/boundary for the childs health and discipline etc
I also LOVED Zawns piece on "can i be a feminist and nice... I like carebears"
Zawn - is this YOUR story? (sorry wondering what country this is) I ask as I'd be wary of doing this in the USA out of fear of being shot honestly! (being loud/makinga"fuss")
I say this as someone whose 1/2 American, 1/2 White Aussie (and living in Australia thankfully!).
This Piece! "I’ll never know what his intentions were.
Maybe he was a socially awkward man trying to help me unload or hoping to talk to a friendly looking stranger.
Maybe he was homeless and seeking help."
"Men need to learn that women live in a terrifying world, and that you can’t approach strange women and expect them to be ok with that. It’s not my job to make men feel good about their stupid decisions."
100% it doesn't matter WHAT his reasons were (in many ways) there are other ways to learn to approach women (ugh. If they even have to 😕). Have you ever seen" Atypical"? The show?
I really enjoyed it as a fellow ND, one scene I find particularly fascinating is the young teenage boy with ASD practising phrases of how to speak to a girl/woman with his female psychologist. And the psych is giving input on a woman's perspective - so he can learn to be more aware, curious, observant and empathetic!
The way you state things continues to decondition me. It's just so clear..."stop prioritizing men’s total comfort over our right to go on living." 'Nuff said. 🙌
Not too long ago I went to a shopping mall to pick up my teenage daughter from work. I was in my car listening to dumb podcasts when I noticed a sketchy guy in the parking lot. Now, I am a huge fan of Gavin de Becker. Highly recommended to all women!!!!! Anywhoo something about this guy triggered my nope and I quietly locked the car. This is a small town of less than 30k people on a nasty, cold night. But I just felt it.
He tried the back driver's side door. That I had just locked.
I drove out of there. Called 9-1-1.and then called my daughter because the mall is full of young girls working alone! Told them to stay together until the police could escort them out.
We never heard about the creep but why was he hanging around the parking lot of a small shopping mall where many girls work alone at closing time? His mistake (checking out the mama bear) was our advantage. And my daughter thinks it's a weird story not a trauma to carry.
"Give him a chance!" they cried, after I put up with his drunken unemployed, lazy, useless golf-playing, money-pilfering, mortgage non-paying, gaslighting, child-endangering ass for over a decade. He had his chance. He had 20 million chances. When I stopped listening to the Patriarchal Chorus of "Give Him a Chaaance" is when I started to heal. Brava once again, Zawn.
What is most heartbreaking for me is that men feel entitled to it.
I just can't stand it. It makes me sick.
I wish family court would take this advice. My ex is on his next "chance" after passing out drunk with our toddler during his parenting time, and not dropping her back off when he was supposed to. Our judge says this is the last chance for him to keep unsupervised visits and get sober before he steps down to supervised visits only.
Meanwhile, I have a friend who lost all custody and contact with her children for helping her kids report their dad's abusive behavior (kids were both unwilling to go to his house, having panic attacks, etc.). Because holding a man accountable and protecting your kids is somehow worse than passing out drunk during your own parenting time?
Make it make sense.
Family court is hell on earth. My drunk ex put put our kids in danger but zero people involved in our custody case felt this meant he shouldn't share custody (unsupervised). Judges, GALs, forensic psychologist, parent coordinator all decided we were *both* problematic; ya know, because I was not happily agreeing to let Drunky McShitface have our young kids 50/50.
What a shit show. I hope reform comes soon and that you and your kids are safe in the meantime.
Also, "you're not nice" is an ultimate argument in every discussion with my STBX.
It's just so dumb. Starts a conversation he knows sh1t about the subjects, cannot talk in civilized manner - goes personal, tries to ridicule my point, stereotypizes my answer putting it in a black and white box making it a different information (probably just wanted to argue, not talk), uses "logic" of a dumb man whom he hates and I point that out as he compared my line of thinking (but wrongly though) to similar stuff... he'll go furious WHY AM I UNKIND TO HIM?!
After saying, that the single criterium whether something's nice or not is dependent on who's saying that, me, or him, and he just did exactly the same to me, several times, goes pikachu face and silent, never apologizing or saying he not only was wrong (it was a simple matter, 10sec googling) but acted like a douchebag. Nope. Never. It was me who was UNKIND and this is the ultimate argument.
I am so sorry! But glad he's STBX! And not current!
Ugh! This thing we we ask them to have some empathy and be *less cold* yet when we're like 2% as cold as they are they say we're being horrible people!
Yes, the last article from series weapons sexist men use - "you're the abusive one" is pretty much real. It fks with your brain so much. I am not a submissive person or a people pleaser (just a kind person but autistic and can't swallow bullshit) yet I believed him that the problem is me because I was depressed (not entirely because of him, but looking back, he had his major part in keeping me under the water for own benefits). For 10 bloody years.
But unless him, I've been doing the work on myself because of that and it occurred that he is just uncapable of love and as much as I had some mental issues, he is just a purely toxic, egocentric person that can't even handle stating a fact like "you closed me in the hot bathroom, put heavy packages just behind the door, and didn't hear me screaming as I couldn't get out" - even that got him trying to blame me for something, defensive and bullshit spitting.
And now it's really awkward when I just don't engage in toxic behaviors, he doesn't really know what to do so it ends up with weeping "you're not nice". Like he would ever be nice to me. It's truly pathetic to watch.
We do believe them hey!! and when we tell other women to be careful men say WE'RE the ones spreading fear and hate...
I am so sorry that happened to you! But also so glad you got out!! UGH they can do THE most abusive behaviour and then blame US for it... their lack of willingness to do any self work! or they only do things that prove them right...
omg the "youre not nice" is the worst- like so what? "nice" doesnt really mean anything tbh.... Nice doesn't mean kind, it doesnt mean respect, there is no real backing for it... e.g. a kid wants a 3rd lollipop... the "nice" thing to do is keep giving it lollipops.. the KIND thing to do is set a limit/boundary for the childs health and discipline etc
I also LOVED Zawns piece on "can i be a feminist and nice... I like carebears"
Zawn - is this YOUR story? (sorry wondering what country this is) I ask as I'd be wary of doing this in the USA out of fear of being shot honestly! (being loud/makinga"fuss")
I say this as someone whose 1/2 American, 1/2 White Aussie (and living in Australia thankfully!).
This Piece! "I’ll never know what his intentions were.
Maybe he was a socially awkward man trying to help me unload or hoping to talk to a friendly looking stranger.
Maybe he was homeless and seeking help."
"Men need to learn that women live in a terrifying world, and that you can’t approach strange women and expect them to be ok with that. It’s not my job to make men feel good about their stupid decisions."
100% it doesn't matter WHAT his reasons were (in many ways) there are other ways to learn to approach women (ugh. If they even have to 😕). Have you ever seen" Atypical"? The show?
I really enjoyed it as a fellow ND, one scene I find particularly fascinating is the young teenage boy with ASD practising phrases of how to speak to a girl/woman with his female psychologist. And the psych is giving input on a woman's perspective - so he can learn to be more aware, curious, observant and empathetic!
The way you state things continues to decondition me. It's just so clear..."stop prioritizing men’s total comfort over our right to go on living." 'Nuff said. 🙌
They never give us a chance, do they?
What happened next? Did you have a panic attack once you were safe? Did your baby cry? Did you explain what happened to your baby?
If I had been brave enough to do that, I would have been shaking for hours afterward.
Not too long ago I went to a shopping mall to pick up my teenage daughter from work. I was in my car listening to dumb podcasts when I noticed a sketchy guy in the parking lot. Now, I am a huge fan of Gavin de Becker. Highly recommended to all women!!!!! Anywhoo something about this guy triggered my nope and I quietly locked the car. This is a small town of less than 30k people on a nasty, cold night. But I just felt it.
He tried the back driver's side door. That I had just locked.
I drove out of there. Called 9-1-1.and then called my daughter because the mall is full of young girls working alone! Told them to stay together until the police could escort them out.
We never heard about the creep but why was he hanging around the parking lot of a small shopping mall where many girls work alone at closing time? His mistake (checking out the mama bear) was our advantage. And my daughter thinks it's a weird story not a trauma to carry.