Nice gets you killed: A plea to stop giving dangerous men the benefit of the doubt

No, he doesn't deserve another chance, and you're not being mean. Men's choices must have consequences.

“How many chances should I give my husband to stop being emotionally abusive?”

“How likely do you think it is that my sexually and emotionally abusive husband will hit me?”

“He says he’s trying so hard to treat me better. It breaks my heart to watch him struggle, and I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me.”

“There was a guy following me in the parking lot. I told him to get away from me but now I’m worried that I was overreacting because of my trauma history.”

These are the questions I hear all day, every day, from women who have spent a lifetime being instructed that their first and most important duty is to be nice to men, to prioritize the feelings of men who never think about the woman’s feelings.

In a society that fully acknowledged the weight of the violent burden women carry, we would phrase these questions differently: How long, and how severely, should I have to risk my life and well-being to please a man who cares about neither?

In a patriarchal society, nice gets you killed. Teaching girls to be nice to men is teaching them to prioritize men’s desire to feel important over women’s right to continue living in safety. “Just give him a chance” is really “just give him a chance to kill you.”

A few weeks ago, I took my baby shopping at our local home improvement store. She’s developed a bizarre obsession with this terrifying Christmas decoration, and since I won’t bring this obviously possessed monster into my home, I let her visit it a few times a week.

When we left the store, I noticed a man walking strangely around the parking lot, seemingly watching women. I scurried quickly to the car, watching my back as I always do. I positioned the cart at the back of the car, creating a slight barrier between the baby and anyone who tried to approach, and proceeded to buckle the baby into her carseat.

Suddenly, the man appeared. He put his hands on my cart, and seemed to be gesturing that it was in his way. I told him he could move it if it was in his way.

Instead he put his hand on the back hatch of my van and started trying to open it.

This was the moment I had to decide: Am I going to be nice, knowing that it will probably be ok? Or am I going to aggressively overreact because there’s a small chance it might save my life?

I’ve spent many years de-conditioning myself, reconnecting with my maternal instinct to protect my children at all possible costs. The right choice was clear.

“Get your hand off my car and get away from me now,” I growled.

He removed his hand, but he did not back away.

I started screaming, “Get away from me! Get away from me right now!”

He took off running. I finished buckling the baby and left.

I’ll never know what his intentions were.

Maybe he was a socially awkward man trying to help me unload or hoping to talk to a friendly looking stranger.

Maybe he was homeless and seeking help.

Or maybe, like the last guy I got into a fight with in a parking lot, he was a Christian evangelist who thinks it’s ok to approach strange women.

I don’t know. And I don’t relish making an innocent person feel bad.

But also, ultimately, I don’t care.

If his intentions were good, his execution was terrible. Men need to learn that women live in a terrifying world, and that you can’t approach strange women and expect them to be ok with that. It’s not my job to make men feel good about their stupid decisions.

And if I’m given the choice between making a man feel bad and preventing myself or my child from ending up hurt or dead, I’m choosing my life over his feelings.

Every. Single. Time.

The same is true of a man who’s mistreating me, or anyone I love.

It doesn’t matter if it’s an accident, or if he’s trying, or if he doesn’t know how to do better, because men’s feelings aren’t the only feelings that matter.

The reason for the mistreatment doesn’t matter. What matters is the mistreatment.

If we start centering women and other victims of men, then eventually men will have fewer victims. Eventually, they’ll learn that the only way to get what they want is to treat people with decency.

In 2024, I hope we can all resolve to stop being nice to men who don’t deserve it. To stop rewarding bad behavior with the benefit of the doubt. And to stop prioritizing men’s total comfort over our right to go on living.

Women stay with abusive men for a myriad of reasons. Sometimes they can’t leave. Sometimes they do the math and conclude that being nice is the safest option. But too often, women tolerate abuse solely because society has instructed them to, solely because we’ve told women that their lives matter less than men’s forever sensitive feelings.

In a society that gives men infinite chances, that indoctrinates women to accept and excuse whatever men do, the right number of additional chances after the first episode of abuse is zero.