Best of luck to you! I have two dear friends who are single parents by choice via donor and every day I look at them and think how incredibly smart they are to do it that way.
You’re absolutely right. One of the best decisions I ever made was leaving the abusive “father’s” name off of my child’s birth certificate. Ngl, it’s been tough for all of the reasons Zawn outlines. But my child and I have a mostly drama free life. Like you said, there’s no one questioning my parenting, constantly letting us down or abusing us. There was no way I was going to stay with a violent abuser and allow him to have any kind of custody, so no child support and it’s 1000% worth it. Going on 15 yrs now. I think that decision saved both of our lives.
I hope all is well with you and yours. Sounds like you made the right decision.
My child barely remembers her father. I have been mindful to frame leaving him as positive and have been age-appropriately honest (but not vindictive or emotional) about why we had to leave, and focus on his poor parenting, lack of commitment of his time or resources to family, and alcoholism. He died when she was five, and she hadn’t seen him for 18 months or so by then. Since he died, I have also been mindful not to leave a space for her to be curious about, but to mention him infrequently and neutrally, to give her opportunities to ask about him if she wants to, without having to feel it’s a big deal. I mention him once a month or so. She never mentions him at all. When he died, I gave opportunities like ‘ it’s okay to be sad now you don’t have a dad anymore’ and she said ‘ I never did’
She was six.
I wanted to be sure I did all I could to compensate for her not having a dad , and did lots of reading and research into how absent fathers become an issue for kids. The consensus is if they have other loving adults and adequate resources, they do just fine. The issue is having a dad who doesn’t show up, and kids don’t have the emotional intelligence not to take that personally, so it impacts their self-worth. It isn’t the space. Any loving adult can fill the space. Fathers are not irreplaceably special! Mother’s can run after bikes, wrestle with kids, teach them to change tires, catch spiders - there is nothing fathers can do the mothers can’t - the issue is the child feeling unloved because the father chose not to love them and be there for them. Or simply not having enough resources in a single parent family. When those variables are controlled for, kids do just fine with single parents. I pass this on for affirmation and reassurance! Good luck mama!
I whish my ex would die XD hahha...so the endless court battles would stop! he doesnt pay any money..nor is asking for his daughter. The only thing he do and want is destroyng my life with all means!
Hello as a now single mother who has gone thorugh abusive relationship and still!! After 10 years is in the hustle of family courts and in fear of social system that will take away my child (which i completely raised alone, because I flew from "home" when she was 2 years old) ..It's the RIGHT thing to do! I don't want to have kids with a man, if he doesnt pay me 50k upfront AND soleyly custody is given to me! My husband started the beating when i got pregnant, and financially dependent on him! Never again...
This is sad. Very good points to consider. I'm wondering what you would advise for women who have multiples (either twins /triplets or little ones in close succession) where the daycare costs become so exorbitant they can't work, or who earn such low wages it's not financially feasible to pay for daycare? Thinking of situations I've heard of where the woman's hand was essentially forced by those circumstances to leave the workforce and become a SAHM.
I believe this is why as a society we need to provide subsidized childcare, living wages, fairer family courts, a whole host of things to make life more livable. But given that we're not, is there anything you'd advise for women to do if they must stay home to care for their children?
This conversation brought up a memory of something a Women's Studies prof said in college. I didn't give it much thought at the time with the realities of parenting and being responsible for a household still seeming far away. But she suggested in effect something where women swap childcare / housework duties with one another to make the labor visible and valued. In other words, instead of Woman A cleaning her home and caring for her own kids (uncompensated and likely unappreciated) she'd pay Woman B, and Woman A in turn would be paid by Woman B to do the same at Woman B's house. I might be misremembering some of the details but that seemed the gist.
It now occurs to me that if a woman had no other meaningful entry into the paid labor force, that might be one way, even if mostly symbolic and not hugely lucrative, for women to build a network where they recognize and compensate each other's labor.
The incredibly awful reality of capitalism is that there is not always going to be a good option. But I would urge women to consider that, if daycare wipes out their earnings, they should still work because of the long-term losses associated with not working. It's ok to work just to fund daycare because you're actually funding more than that.
One option might be part-time work. Maybe using a mother's helper or family caregiver. Part-time daycare. Cobbling together childcare options to keep a foot in the door of employment.
I didn't see your post! Couldn't understand why the other mothers returned to work! 23 years later, despite my husband being 'a good guy', I'm f...d! No pension. No house to split (he would buy one 🤷)....we are 'estranged' but friends - I'm not sure if I left (somehow), stopped being the house keeper how far the 'good guy' would stretch! He has asked in the past if he has to continue to.support me if I get a new boyfriend (you know, 'cause I had new boyfriends' children, kept his house, raised his children, supported his career - not 🤦♀️).. this thinking on his part is troubling to say the least! I will get there though. And be successful! Just wish I'd read this newsletter 23 years ago! Blessings!
Thankyou for shining such a brilliant light on all that is motherhood. I have been steeped in feminist thought for years now but still have just been reading your words with wide eyes: shocked at how eloquently you nail the truth of it. I have lived this: I know what you are saying is the reality of the situation for me and so many others and yet we are duped into not seeing the bind that we are in as mothers. Your words have meant so much.
I became a stay-at-home-mother due to disability, losing my beloved career overnight and this is 100% true. Even though my husband was for a time also a stay-at-home dad, even when we were both home, the household labor distribution was far from equal and he's only been an even bigger jerk ever since. I now have no recourse to leave.
And if you are thinking that I am staying home not by choice but because I genuinely have a disability that prevents me from working and pursuing a career, you are absolutely right. The defining point was being actually home. It did not matter to my spouse that I was too disabled to do the household or childcare labor around the house, I was home and "doing nothing" and "not working".
It bears mentioning that the systemic sexism is intertwined with capitalistic thinking - women/mothers are less valued because they earn less even while their husband and children benefit from their outsized contribution. It's a vicious cycle.
As part of this decision making, many households quantify in money terms how much it would cost for childcare, cleaning, household management etc. Keep this quantification updated and expect/demand a similar compensation for everything you take on as a stay at home mother that is no longer being paid for. That is the minimum of how much you have earned through your labor, and nobody should ever forget it.
i'm in the same situation. I loved my career, had to leave due to disability. It's hard for me to stand/ remain upright especially on bad days, but there is no understanding whatsoever coming from my husband. He gets to say he does "everything" because he takes our kid to school and cleans up his own stuff when he feels like it on top of working. Meanwhile I have no more rights in this household. Since I "don't contribute" I don't get any say in financial decisions and am looked up upon as a liability. hard not to feel like it in those circumstances.
As a SAHM of about 16 years (working here and there, but not much) this is 100% right. Maybe 110% honestly.. The psychological issues of going back to work is insurmountable to me. I feel like everyone thinks I'm slow, inadequate, going to drop work for my kids, out of the loop.. it just goes on and on. While my husband does save for my retirement and funds all the little educational courses I want to take, it's not enough to overcome the mental blocks I have regarding returning to the workforce. Not to mention the what if's.. what if I kept working.. would I be in a better career? Would we be better off financially? Would I even still be married? It permeates every level.
Hello, just wanted to ask if 'insurmountable' could be done one little step at a time. Ater 24 years as a SAHM I know that I am a 1000% better, more capable employee than I was before....but society of course doesn't value the huge amount of skills I have now - and I wouldn't put up with a male boss who treated me with anything but total respect & paid me what I now know I am worth!! So, I've started out on my own - making it up as I go along, earning not a lot yet - but having huge potential. Go for it - you are your own resourced powerhouse - you are the workforce! One tiny idea, one little step at a time!! If you want to ofcourse! Good luck 👍
This all was me when I worked PT as an independent contractor and still suffered professionally but not as much as I would have if I didn’t at least keep my professional foot in the door.
This still happened despite being married to a self-proclaimed feminist to boot.
Great article Zawn. This is so poignant to talk about the women who are in a position to not be able to leave. My mother always advised to never depend on another person for income. Being raised by a single mother, this was very apparent to me.
I consider myself very lucky. I am a single mother of one amazing little human. Our life is so much easier now her father is not living with us. I raise her all by myself. I had to give up my career due to disability but I get great support from my government. So I get to spend every single day with my baby (who's not much of a baby anymore) and we live very comfortably. Being disabled is horrible some days but I get through. I do wonder what will happen if I do decide to go back to work one day or if the government support is cut. Finding a job that works around my disabilities will be very difficult as I've been unemployed for a long time. But for now we are happy, although we are struggling with overcrowding where we live.
England. But it's not applicable for everyone here. You have to be severely incapable of work and you have to fight for it. And it can be humiliating and dehumanising.
Not only is no marriage a sure bet, but death or disability are both very real prospects, even in people who are healthy now. My own father was widowed at 40, a close friend at 38. Car accidents, industrial accidents, cancer are unfair and can be arbitrary. The absolute last thing you need as a young widow with children is a struggle to get back into the workforce when you’re grieving and running out of money.
I am the primary caregiver for my younger disabled child. I am dependent on my husband’s work ethic, and his physical health, for my financial needs - health insurance, food, shelter. That is NOT a great way to live.
This is rough. I have a neurodivergent child who will likely grow up to present as typical, with no physical disabilities. I also work full-time, but from home. Even in my situation, which is a much easier version of the disabled child track, I have been shocked by how time-consuming caring for my child is, and by how much every element of society assumes there is one parent at home. The lack of support for disabled kids is absolutely fucking enraging. It shouldn't be this way.
My daughter also presents as ‘typical’ - she is fully verbal and mobile - but can’t safely drive herself or ever live on her own. So, when people ask me if I’m employed (came up yesterday at my PT appt), I’ve taken to saying “I am my daughter’s primary caregiver - I don’t get a paycheck, but believe me, I WORK”. Parents of disabled children/adults usually can’t really work, it is depressing and scary to be so financially at risk. I live in a state of constant, low-key anger at how dependent I am on my spouse’s paycheck, and how I really can’t do a whole lot about it.
"If your husband is not a dedicated feminist who consistently demonstrates a willingness to accept criticism, there is zero chance of him treating you with decency once you give up all your financial power."
100% this. The ONE time in the history of my marriage when my husband became controlling over the money was when I became a SAHM for 9 months. He went from never questioning anything I spent money on or even looking at our joint checking account to scrutinizing every cent I spent, making me feel guilty about buying our infant clothes, and if he couldn't figure out what exactly a certain transaction was, he would "go to the bank for answers." The second I went back to work part time, that stopped. He is not controlling at all over finances, especially since I am full time employed. He tells me what he plans to spend money on and even "asks" if paying for certain things is OK as if he needs my permission, although he makes more money than me currently. But something about me contributing no actual financial currency to our family sent him on a power trip like never before. It was horrible.
I have a good male friend. He’s like a brother to me. We’ve known each other since 6th grade. We became close friends because we were the only ones in our friend group to be raised by single mothers.
His wife is a SAHM. They planned to have a bunch of kids while she stayed home but due to fertility issues, this didn’t happen. They have 1 teen. She is still a SAHM that fills her time with volunteer work. However, she had an affair and their marriage is on the rocks right now which they’re doing the work to reconcile. He now feels like he can’t divorce her because she doesn’t work outside of the home.
However, she “likes” on social media all my articles I share on the burden on women in marriage and motherhood. I brought this up to him to consider and follow Zawn too. I think he will. But it got me curious, how does labor of parenting and managing the home become more equal when there is a SAHM? How does this change with time when the child grows up? What does the division or household labor look when one parent is a SAH parent (no disability) and the other works out of the home (and may travel for work at times)? He will acknowledge she takes care of nearly everything and she only complains of cooking which he does all summer long (grilling). He is not messy, he always has cleaned up after himself. They’ve both acknowledged that. I’ve experienced it when I’ve hosted our childhood friend group (which is mostly males and their wives).
She also manages the finances and makes a lot of decision making for the family. She doesn’t seem to mind that. However, it’s becoming clear that she’s not good with finances either. I’ve tried to tell him to get more involved there but it doesn’t appear to have happened.
It sounds like you have a lot of judgments of this man's wife, and that those judgments are based on incomplete information.
But if she does "almost everything" as you say, she is shouldering more than her fair share of labor. And how much of the burden did she do when the child was young? I bet 90%, and he still has years worth of labor to compensate her for. Women also don't typically have affairs unless there are significant problems in the marriage.
Him not being messy has nothing whatsoever to do with household labor, and whether he should participate in it.
From the outside looking in, it sounds like you don't like her, that you have labeled him a "good guy," and that you have made judgments about how he is as a husband without actually knowing. This can be a pretty harmful and toxic dynamic.
Yes you are correct that there is judgement based on information I’ve not included here. I’m sorry to distract with extraneous unnecessary info and distract from my question...
My question though (lost in my long comment), is what is the division of labor when one is working outside of the home and the other isn’t?
There IS an imbalance of household labor in this situation I mentioned. But where IS the balance? How does a couple figure out where the balance is? Should both have equal leisure time available to them and start from there?
Studies show men and women on average need different sleep. Men on average need less sleep for example so should sleep be considered “leisure” in the division? If it takes one person longer to figure out tasks then the other (ie cooking), does that get included in the calculation?
What's the ideal number of children? How much should a wedding cost? What should the division of labor be in a marriage? There is no single best answer for these questions. Each couple must discuss and find what works for both.
If someone in the relationship is keeping score and feeling taken advantage of then that is a huge issue. They might need counseling (although that is risky). A marriage is (typically) not a business where one party is directly paying for goods and services. Both people should contribute and should recognize the contributions of their partner.
If your friend is resentful of his wife, whom he's supposed to love and cherish, then maybe it's a sign they should look into divorce. If you're resentful of his wife and he's not considering divorce, then maybe you two shouldn't be talking so negatively about his wife, whom he's supposed to love and cherish.
Damn, stone cold truth. I love how you say it so clearly. "In a healthy society, we would have rich and meaningful community. Parents who wanted to focus solely on raising their children without earning income could do that safely. We do not live in a healthy society. We live in a world in which choosing to become a stay-at-home parent is choosing to put yourself at a profound and lasting disadvantage." I have a part within me (referring to Internal Family Systems, parts work) that longs to right the wrongs in the world. It's almost as if I refuse to acknowledge how messed up the world is, or how normal/average I am. As wonderful, capable, hardworking, and smart I am, I alone, cannot defeat patriarchy or capitalism. I sure would like to!
I would have never listened to this advice back when I chose to be a SAHM (the same way I convinced myself that our sex life would magically get better after we got married). We need to do a better job preparing our girls for real life. No one tells their girls about what happens after "and they lived happily ever after." That's where the hard stuff begins.
Edited to add: I'm the first to admit that I wasn't able to do it all. I planned to go back to work after my 8-week maternity leave, but I KNEW I was going to end up doing doing an equally shitty job at work and as a mother if I tried to do both, so I chose mother. I've tried to tell myself that I made the right choice, especially because of the years I needed to fight for my neurodivergent kid (a war we absolutely CRUSHED). But now, here I am, stuck, with nothing to show for it monetarily. NOTHING. Hopefully my kids will help me out when I'm homeless.
I don't think not being a stay at home mother has anything to do with why the family court is as it is. It is a misogynistic failed experiment. And so, I would say, as an entrepreneur but also someone who always worked from home or studio. the actual stay at home part is not the problem.
The problem is societal.
There are countless PHD, lawyer, activist, intelligent women, who have been scammed in the family court. I repeat, family courts are a failed experiment.
Now, back to staying at home. There are many creative ways to hold power and not go to the office. That's all I am going to say. Violence against women, after the first time it happens, statistics show that jobs dont' stop it from continuing.
It isn't the job.
In fact, I found I could do much more, and have since graduating university, with autonomy that parenting at home brought. We have to think of it out of the box as well. It is more than how the male sees the position. It is how I see the position. Understand?
You're talking about working from home and still earning money. Which is very distinct from not warning money. A job is the power to leave and pay a lawyer rather than end up in a shelter. It's not protection from the family court system. It's protection from immediate poverty.
No, I'm not talking about making money. Having money for the lawyer is only possible if the partner isn't stealing it. They steal it by removing law -- not by following any rules.
If a person is going to steal, they are going to do it. Having a job doesn't make a difference. They will steal inheritance, children, many things that don't have monetary value. I am just saying that it is an individual decision. I had far more freedom staying at home, in our particular situation, and my sons had a far better upbringing than if I had not been around. I was smart, not any other thing.
One of the deepest issues of the family courts, in first world countries, is to take the children from the mother. This happens through non-recognition. Non-recognition is used towards Indigenous people, an intersectionality of not seeing. Albert Marshall, in 2004 introduced 'Two-Eyed Seeing' which incorporates Indigenous Science and Western Science. Western Science has not patience. (Dr. Leroy-Littlebear) Mothering is more than caring for children, it has outreach, such as water quality, food, and other things. When the fam courts remove children from mothers as they do, in particular Indigenous mothers, but all mothers in general, it is non-recognition of the rights and responsibilities of this position. It is a quiet power grab and causes child trauma, suicide ideation in young adults who have been removed. It is vital to recognize the contribution of mothers. I have written an essay on this concept, called, 'Indigenous Concepts on Mothering' https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/indigenous-concepts-mothering-kelly-winsa/?trackingId=9wcEKS4qS76DEDp%2FLvIAHg%3D%3D When judges remove children from mothers, and remove protection orders, they are simply not recognizing the work.
I wish you all the happiness in the world. I am a single mother and it's the best thing that ever happened to me.
I have a few sorority sisters who are single mothers by choice! Sounds like an idea option
Best of luck to you! I have two dear friends who are single parents by choice via donor and every day I look at them and think how incredibly smart they are to do it that way.
You’re absolutely right. One of the best decisions I ever made was leaving the abusive “father’s” name off of my child’s birth certificate. Ngl, it’s been tough for all of the reasons Zawn outlines. But my child and I have a mostly drama free life. Like you said, there’s no one questioning my parenting, constantly letting us down or abusing us. There was no way I was going to stay with a violent abuser and allow him to have any kind of custody, so no child support and it’s 1000% worth it. Going on 15 yrs now. I think that decision saved both of our lives.
I hope all is well with you and yours. Sounds like you made the right decision.
My child barely remembers her father. I have been mindful to frame leaving him as positive and have been age-appropriately honest (but not vindictive or emotional) about why we had to leave, and focus on his poor parenting, lack of commitment of his time or resources to family, and alcoholism. He died when she was five, and she hadn’t seen him for 18 months or so by then. Since he died, I have also been mindful not to leave a space for her to be curious about, but to mention him infrequently and neutrally, to give her opportunities to ask about him if she wants to, without having to feel it’s a big deal. I mention him once a month or so. She never mentions him at all. When he died, I gave opportunities like ‘ it’s okay to be sad now you don’t have a dad anymore’ and she said ‘ I never did’
She was six.
I wanted to be sure I did all I could to compensate for her not having a dad , and did lots of reading and research into how absent fathers become an issue for kids. The consensus is if they have other loving adults and adequate resources, they do just fine. The issue is having a dad who doesn’t show up, and kids don’t have the emotional intelligence not to take that personally, so it impacts their self-worth. It isn’t the space. Any loving adult can fill the space. Fathers are not irreplaceably special! Mother’s can run after bikes, wrestle with kids, teach them to change tires, catch spiders - there is nothing fathers can do the mothers can’t - the issue is the child feeling unloved because the father chose not to love them and be there for them. Or simply not having enough resources in a single parent family. When those variables are controlled for, kids do just fine with single parents. I pass this on for affirmation and reassurance! Good luck mama!
I whish my ex would die XD hahha...so the endless court battles would stop! he doesnt pay any money..nor is asking for his daughter. The only thing he do and want is destroyng my life with all means!
Hello as a now single mother who has gone thorugh abusive relationship and still!! After 10 years is in the hustle of family courts and in fear of social system that will take away my child (which i completely raised alone, because I flew from "home" when she was 2 years old) ..It's the RIGHT thing to do! I don't want to have kids with a man, if he doesnt pay me 50k upfront AND soleyly custody is given to me! My husband started the beating when i got pregnant, and financially dependent on him! Never again...
Always a thought-provoking read, Zawn. Thanks.
This is sad. Very good points to consider. I'm wondering what you would advise for women who have multiples (either twins /triplets or little ones in close succession) where the daycare costs become so exorbitant they can't work, or who earn such low wages it's not financially feasible to pay for daycare? Thinking of situations I've heard of where the woman's hand was essentially forced by those circumstances to leave the workforce and become a SAHM.
I believe this is why as a society we need to provide subsidized childcare, living wages, fairer family courts, a whole host of things to make life more livable. But given that we're not, is there anything you'd advise for women to do if they must stay home to care for their children?
This conversation brought up a memory of something a Women's Studies prof said in college. I didn't give it much thought at the time with the realities of parenting and being responsible for a household still seeming far away. But she suggested in effect something where women swap childcare / housework duties with one another to make the labor visible and valued. In other words, instead of Woman A cleaning her home and caring for her own kids (uncompensated and likely unappreciated) she'd pay Woman B, and Woman A in turn would be paid by Woman B to do the same at Woman B's house. I might be misremembering some of the details but that seemed the gist.
It now occurs to me that if a woman had no other meaningful entry into the paid labor force, that might be one way, even if mostly symbolic and not hugely lucrative, for women to build a network where they recognize and compensate each other's labor.
The incredibly awful reality of capitalism is that there is not always going to be a good option. But I would urge women to consider that, if daycare wipes out their earnings, they should still work because of the long-term losses associated with not working. It's ok to work just to fund daycare because you're actually funding more than that.
One option might be part-time work. Maybe using a mother's helper or family caregiver. Part-time daycare. Cobbling together childcare options to keep a foot in the door of employment.
I agree! Theirs invisible costs to not working even if the math doesn’t appear to be worth it.
I didn't see your post! Couldn't understand why the other mothers returned to work! 23 years later, despite my husband being 'a good guy', I'm f...d! No pension. No house to split (he would buy one 🤷)....we are 'estranged' but friends - I'm not sure if I left (somehow), stopped being the house keeper how far the 'good guy' would stretch! He has asked in the past if he has to continue to.support me if I get a new boyfriend (you know, 'cause I had new boyfriends' children, kept his house, raised his children, supported his career - not 🤦♀️).. this thinking on his part is troubling to say the least! I will get there though. And be successful! Just wish I'd read this newsletter 23 years ago! Blessings!
Thankyou for shining such a brilliant light on all that is motherhood. I have been steeped in feminist thought for years now but still have just been reading your words with wide eyes: shocked at how eloquently you nail the truth of it. I have lived this: I know what you are saying is the reality of the situation for me and so many others and yet we are duped into not seeing the bind that we are in as mothers. Your words have meant so much.
I became a stay-at-home-mother due to disability, losing my beloved career overnight and this is 100% true. Even though my husband was for a time also a stay-at-home dad, even when we were both home, the household labor distribution was far from equal and he's only been an even bigger jerk ever since. I now have no recourse to leave.
And if you are thinking that I am staying home not by choice but because I genuinely have a disability that prevents me from working and pursuing a career, you are absolutely right. The defining point was being actually home. It did not matter to my spouse that I was too disabled to do the household or childcare labor around the house, I was home and "doing nothing" and "not working".
It bears mentioning that the systemic sexism is intertwined with capitalistic thinking - women/mothers are less valued because they earn less even while their husband and children benefit from their outsized contribution. It's a vicious cycle.
As part of this decision making, many households quantify in money terms how much it would cost for childcare, cleaning, household management etc. Keep this quantification updated and expect/demand a similar compensation for everything you take on as a stay at home mother that is no longer being paid for. That is the minimum of how much you have earned through your labor, and nobody should ever forget it.
i'm in the same situation. I loved my career, had to leave due to disability. It's hard for me to stand/ remain upright especially on bad days, but there is no understanding whatsoever coming from my husband. He gets to say he does "everything" because he takes our kid to school and cleans up his own stuff when he feels like it on top of working. Meanwhile I have no more rights in this household. Since I "don't contribute" I don't get any say in financial decisions and am looked up upon as a liability. hard not to feel like it in those circumstances.
As a SAHM of about 16 years (working here and there, but not much) this is 100% right. Maybe 110% honestly.. The psychological issues of going back to work is insurmountable to me. I feel like everyone thinks I'm slow, inadequate, going to drop work for my kids, out of the loop.. it just goes on and on. While my husband does save for my retirement and funds all the little educational courses I want to take, it's not enough to overcome the mental blocks I have regarding returning to the workforce. Not to mention the what if's.. what if I kept working.. would I be in a better career? Would we be better off financially? Would I even still be married? It permeates every level.
Hello, just wanted to ask if 'insurmountable' could be done one little step at a time. Ater 24 years as a SAHM I know that I am a 1000% better, more capable employee than I was before....but society of course doesn't value the huge amount of skills I have now - and I wouldn't put up with a male boss who treated me with anything but total respect & paid me what I now know I am worth!! So, I've started out on my own - making it up as I go along, earning not a lot yet - but having huge potential. Go for it - you are your own resourced powerhouse - you are the workforce! One tiny idea, one little step at a time!! If you want to ofcourse! Good luck 👍
This all was me when I worked PT as an independent contractor and still suffered professionally but not as much as I would have if I didn’t at least keep my professional foot in the door.
This still happened despite being married to a self-proclaimed feminist to boot.
Great article Zawn. This is so poignant to talk about the women who are in a position to not be able to leave. My mother always advised to never depend on another person for income. Being raised by a single mother, this was very apparent to me.
I consider myself very lucky. I am a single mother of one amazing little human. Our life is so much easier now her father is not living with us. I raise her all by myself. I had to give up my career due to disability but I get great support from my government. So I get to spend every single day with my baby (who's not much of a baby anymore) and we live very comfortably. Being disabled is horrible some days but I get through. I do wonder what will happen if I do decide to go back to work one day or if the government support is cut. Finding a job that works around my disabilities will be very difficult as I've been unemployed for a long time. But for now we are happy, although we are struggling with overcrowding where we live.
Where do you live that you can live off government assistance 😱
England. But it's not applicable for everyone here. You have to be severely incapable of work and you have to fight for it. And it can be humiliating and dehumanising.
Not only is no marriage a sure bet, but death or disability are both very real prospects, even in people who are healthy now. My own father was widowed at 40, a close friend at 38. Car accidents, industrial accidents, cancer are unfair and can be arbitrary. The absolute last thing you need as a young widow with children is a struggle to get back into the workforce when you’re grieving and running out of money.
that's true...
I am the primary caregiver for my younger disabled child. I am dependent on my husband’s work ethic, and his physical health, for my financial needs - health insurance, food, shelter. That is NOT a great way to live.
This is rough. I have a neurodivergent child who will likely grow up to present as typical, with no physical disabilities. I also work full-time, but from home. Even in my situation, which is a much easier version of the disabled child track, I have been shocked by how time-consuming caring for my child is, and by how much every element of society assumes there is one parent at home. The lack of support for disabled kids is absolutely fucking enraging. It shouldn't be this way.
My daughter also presents as ‘typical’ - she is fully verbal and mobile - but can’t safely drive herself or ever live on her own. So, when people ask me if I’m employed (came up yesterday at my PT appt), I’ve taken to saying “I am my daughter’s primary caregiver - I don’t get a paycheck, but believe me, I WORK”. Parents of disabled children/adults usually can’t really work, it is depressing and scary to be so financially at risk. I live in a state of constant, low-key anger at how dependent I am on my spouse’s paycheck, and how I really can’t do a whole lot about it.
"If your husband is not a dedicated feminist who consistently demonstrates a willingness to accept criticism, there is zero chance of him treating you with decency once you give up all your financial power."
100% this. The ONE time in the history of my marriage when my husband became controlling over the money was when I became a SAHM for 9 months. He went from never questioning anything I spent money on or even looking at our joint checking account to scrutinizing every cent I spent, making me feel guilty about buying our infant clothes, and if he couldn't figure out what exactly a certain transaction was, he would "go to the bank for answers." The second I went back to work part time, that stopped. He is not controlling at all over finances, especially since I am full time employed. He tells me what he plans to spend money on and even "asks" if paying for certain things is OK as if he needs my permission, although he makes more money than me currently. But something about me contributing no actual financial currency to our family sent him on a power trip like never before. It was horrible.
I have a good male friend. He’s like a brother to me. We’ve known each other since 6th grade. We became close friends because we were the only ones in our friend group to be raised by single mothers.
His wife is a SAHM. They planned to have a bunch of kids while she stayed home but due to fertility issues, this didn’t happen. They have 1 teen. She is still a SAHM that fills her time with volunteer work. However, she had an affair and their marriage is on the rocks right now which they’re doing the work to reconcile. He now feels like he can’t divorce her because she doesn’t work outside of the home.
However, she “likes” on social media all my articles I share on the burden on women in marriage and motherhood. I brought this up to him to consider and follow Zawn too. I think he will. But it got me curious, how does labor of parenting and managing the home become more equal when there is a SAHM? How does this change with time when the child grows up? What does the division or household labor look when one parent is a SAH parent (no disability) and the other works out of the home (and may travel for work at times)? He will acknowledge she takes care of nearly everything and she only complains of cooking which he does all summer long (grilling). He is not messy, he always has cleaned up after himself. They’ve both acknowledged that. I’ve experienced it when I’ve hosted our childhood friend group (which is mostly males and their wives).
She also manages the finances and makes a lot of decision making for the family. She doesn’t seem to mind that. However, it’s becoming clear that she’s not good with finances either. I’ve tried to tell him to get more involved there but it doesn’t appear to have happened.
It sounds like you have a lot of judgments of this man's wife, and that those judgments are based on incomplete information.
But if she does "almost everything" as you say, she is shouldering more than her fair share of labor. And how much of the burden did she do when the child was young? I bet 90%, and he still has years worth of labor to compensate her for. Women also don't typically have affairs unless there are significant problems in the marriage.
Him not being messy has nothing whatsoever to do with household labor, and whether he should participate in it.
From the outside looking in, it sounds like you don't like her, that you have labeled him a "good guy," and that you have made judgments about how he is as a husband without actually knowing. This can be a pretty harmful and toxic dynamic.
Yes you are correct that there is judgement based on information I’ve not included here. I’m sorry to distract with extraneous unnecessary info and distract from my question...
My question though (lost in my long comment), is what is the division of labor when one is working outside of the home and the other isn’t?
There IS an imbalance of household labor in this situation I mentioned. But where IS the balance? How does a couple figure out where the balance is? Should both have equal leisure time available to them and start from there?
Studies show men and women on average need different sleep. Men on average need less sleep for example so should sleep be considered “leisure” in the division? If it takes one person longer to figure out tasks then the other (ie cooking), does that get included in the calculation?
It seems like you are too interested in another man’s wife and marriage! Why are you his friend and not hers?
What's the ideal number of children? How much should a wedding cost? What should the division of labor be in a marriage? There is no single best answer for these questions. Each couple must discuss and find what works for both.
If someone in the relationship is keeping score and feeling taken advantage of then that is a huge issue. They might need counseling (although that is risky). A marriage is (typically) not a business where one party is directly paying for goods and services. Both people should contribute and should recognize the contributions of their partner.
If your friend is resentful of his wife, whom he's supposed to love and cherish, then maybe it's a sign they should look into divorce. If you're resentful of his wife and he's not considering divorce, then maybe you two shouldn't be talking so negatively about his wife, whom he's supposed to love and cherish.
Damn, stone cold truth. I love how you say it so clearly. "In a healthy society, we would have rich and meaningful community. Parents who wanted to focus solely on raising their children without earning income could do that safely. We do not live in a healthy society. We live in a world in which choosing to become a stay-at-home parent is choosing to put yourself at a profound and lasting disadvantage." I have a part within me (referring to Internal Family Systems, parts work) that longs to right the wrongs in the world. It's almost as if I refuse to acknowledge how messed up the world is, or how normal/average I am. As wonderful, capable, hardworking, and smart I am, I alone, cannot defeat patriarchy or capitalism. I sure would like to!
This is a powerful reminder. My mother used to tell me this all the time. Thank you.
I would have never listened to this advice back when I chose to be a SAHM (the same way I convinced myself that our sex life would magically get better after we got married). We need to do a better job preparing our girls for real life. No one tells their girls about what happens after "and they lived happily ever after." That's where the hard stuff begins.
Edited to add: I'm the first to admit that I wasn't able to do it all. I planned to go back to work after my 8-week maternity leave, but I KNEW I was going to end up doing doing an equally shitty job at work and as a mother if I tried to do both, so I chose mother. I've tried to tell myself that I made the right choice, especially because of the years I needed to fight for my neurodivergent kid (a war we absolutely CRUSHED). But now, here I am, stuck, with nothing to show for it monetarily. NOTHING. Hopefully my kids will help me out when I'm homeless.
I don't think not being a stay at home mother has anything to do with why the family court is as it is. It is a misogynistic failed experiment. And so, I would say, as an entrepreneur but also someone who always worked from home or studio. the actual stay at home part is not the problem.
The problem is societal.
There are countless PHD, lawyer, activist, intelligent women, who have been scammed in the family court. I repeat, family courts are a failed experiment.
Now, back to staying at home. There are many creative ways to hold power and not go to the office. That's all I am going to say. Violence against women, after the first time it happens, statistics show that jobs dont' stop it from continuing.
It isn't the job.
In fact, I found I could do much more, and have since graduating university, with autonomy that parenting at home brought. We have to think of it out of the box as well. It is more than how the male sees the position. It is how I see the position. Understand?
You're talking about working from home and still earning money. Which is very distinct from not warning money. A job is the power to leave and pay a lawyer rather than end up in a shelter. It's not protection from the family court system. It's protection from immediate poverty.
No, I'm not talking about making money. Having money for the lawyer is only possible if the partner isn't stealing it. They steal it by removing law -- not by following any rules.
If a person is going to steal, they are going to do it. Having a job doesn't make a difference. They will steal inheritance, children, many things that don't have monetary value. I am just saying that it is an individual decision. I had far more freedom staying at home, in our particular situation, and my sons had a far better upbringing than if I had not been around. I was smart, not any other thing.
One of the deepest issues of the family courts, in first world countries, is to take the children from the mother. This happens through non-recognition. Non-recognition is used towards Indigenous people, an intersectionality of not seeing. Albert Marshall, in 2004 introduced 'Two-Eyed Seeing' which incorporates Indigenous Science and Western Science. Western Science has not patience. (Dr. Leroy-Littlebear) Mothering is more than caring for children, it has outreach, such as water quality, food, and other things. When the fam courts remove children from mothers as they do, in particular Indigenous mothers, but all mothers in general, it is non-recognition of the rights and responsibilities of this position. It is a quiet power grab and causes child trauma, suicide ideation in young adults who have been removed. It is vital to recognize the contribution of mothers. I have written an essay on this concept, called, 'Indigenous Concepts on Mothering' https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/indigenous-concepts-mothering-kelly-winsa/?trackingId=9wcEKS4qS76DEDp%2FLvIAHg%3D%3D When judges remove children from mothers, and remove protection orders, they are simply not recognizing the work.