Please don't become a stay-at-home mother

Staying home with your kids is hard and rewarding. It's one of the most valuable things you can do. Here's why I think you shouldn't do it.

Please don’t become a stay-at-home mother. I’m begging you.

There. I said it. Now, before you think I’m one of those working moms on my high horse, judging women who want to stay home with their kids, let me assure you that I am not. Stay-at-home mothers are the backbone of society. They do incredibly hard and valuable work. This is why I get so frustrated when people talk about the “privilege” of staying home, or how “lucky” they are that their partner “allows” them to stay home.

No. Stay-at-home mothers make immense sacrifices, and the benefits accrue to their male partners and their children. They do profoundly important work. Over the long-term, though, if the marriage sours, the sacrifices a SAHM makes may actually harm her children—such as if she does not have the financial resources to leave a marriage.

In a healthy society, we would have rich and meaningful community. Parents who wanted to focus solely on raising their children without earning income could do that safely. We do not live in a healthy society. We live in a world in which choosing to become a stay-at-home parent is choosing to put yourself at a profound and lasting disadvantage.

Dear reader, if you are considering staying home, please know that I deeply respect your decision, and your desire to be with your children. I am not judging you. I am asking you to, for the safety of your children and for your own well-being, please consider the actual costs of stay-at-home parenthood.

Here’s what many people don’t consider when they elect to stay home:

Even if Your Marriage is Great, Stay at Home Parenthood Could Still Cost You Dearly

Even if you think you and your partner will be together forever, even if he’s a feminist prince and your life is a fairytale, most women who elect to stay home think only about the here and now: the cost of daycare or a nanny, the challenge of leaving the baby every day.

But stay-at-home parenthood presents many significant hidden costs. And if you can’t budget for these, then you can’t reasonably and safely become a stay-at-home parent. Ask yourself:

• Will my husband put money into a retirement fund for me each month?

• How much of our budget will we allocate for my continuing education, so that I can retain skills that enable me to eventually return to the workplace?

• What will my husband invest in my job search when and if I do eventually return to the workforce?

• What about the lost earnings I’ll face when I do return to the workforce? Is my husband prepared to compensate me for this?

• Will I have access to an emergency fund? Even feminist men can become abusive or develop addictions. How will you leave if this happens to you?

Realistically, though, most marriages are not fairytales. So consider…

No Marriage is a Sure Bet

Think honestly about your marriage. If you’re like most women, there are probably significant areas of disagreement. He might not support your parenting style. He’s probably not doing his fair share around the house. Whatever you fight about now is going to get a lot worse once you are financially dependent on your husband.

He will absolutely weaponize your status as a stay-at-home parent against you. Angry about household inequality? “It’s your job to take care of the kids!” Think his parenting is not great? “You should handle that anyway since you’re the full-time parent!” Mad he forgot Mother’s Day or otherwise mistreated you? He’ll gleefully tell you to be grateful that he “lets” you stay home.

Even if your marriage is rock solid, can you be 100% certain that your husband won’t weaponize the newfound power of being the sole breadwinner? No, you absolutely cannot. Because you live in a patriarchal society in which men are indoctrinated from birth to weaponize sexism against women and to control women. You live in a world in which the work women does is constantly devalued. Your husband may very well become a different, less tolerable person. In fact, the odds that he will are much higher than the odds he won’t—because, again, we live in a sexist society in which controlling women and demeaning their labor is normalized and expected.

The effort it takes to be less sexist in a sexist society is immense. The reality is that very few men are going to commit to that effort, especially when they have the immense power that comes from being the sole breadwinner. If your husband is not a dedicated feminist who consistently demonstrates a willingness to accept criticism, there is zero chance of him treating you with decency once you give up all your financial power.

Here’s another way of thinking about this:

When I was a kid, I loved snakes. I especially loved milk snakes, which look a lot like highly venomous coral snakes. If you don’t know much about snakes, it’s easy to confuse one for the other.

And in a patriarchal society, it’s easy to confuse a venomous, toxic man for a harmless partner. You won’t know whether you have the venomous version or the harmless one until you give up autonomy and stay home with kids—and by then it’s too late.

It’s not all snakes. And it’s not all men. But you won’t know whether it’s the one you have until it’s too late.

You Are Trapping Yourself

In the years that I have been doing this work I have talked to thousands of women trapped in bad marriages. The women who truly feel they can’t leave—because of financial concerns, emotional abuse, physical violence, or fear of family courts—share one thing in common: They are all stay-at-home mothers.

When you quit working, you give up the ability to sock away money for an emergency. You can’t easily see or pay a divorce lawyer or get therapy. Every decision you make depends on your husband’s financial approval.

And if you do finally leave, you will still be financially dependent on him. That’s because you’ll be in a worse financial position than you otherwise would have been, so your ability to care for your kids will hinge on getting adequate child support payments.

SAHMs Suffer Permanent Damage to Their Earning Potential

Let’s say you earn the average wage, which in the United States, is about $60,000 per year. Now let’s assume your employer is on the cheap end of things, giving an annual cost of living bump of 3%.

Each year, a person who continues working is going to see their earnings increase. Future earnings are benchmarked against prior, which means their bump in earnings is going to accelerate each year. A person who stays in the same job for 5 years with standard cost of living raises will be making $70,000. The parent who stays at home with their child will re-enter, at best, still making $60,000—and often making less, since they may be penalized for staying at home. This penalty will affect their earnings for the rest of their life.

You’re not just giving income up for the time you’re out of the workforce. You’re giving income up forever—and your husband is going to get a significant income boost because of your labor. When mom stays home, dad earns more, does less, and can ascend the career ladder faster. Does that sound fair to you?

What About Retirement? Disability? Life After Children?

Even if your family can easily afford for you to stay home, what happens to your future? Who is going to save for your retirement? If your partner isn’t putting money into a retirement account for you each and every month, then he is disadvantaging you, and you cannot afford to stay home.

What happens if your husband dies or becomes disabled? If the family is dependent on you to support them, how might years out of the workforce undermine your ability to do so?

Perhaps most unsettling of all, many men elect to trade their partners in for younger models right around the time the kids are leaving the nest. You may find that you’re trying to get a job, save for retirement, and support yourself (possibly while fighting for custody of your kids) all at the same time.

Going Back to Work Will be Difficult

Although it may feel otherwise when you’re up all night with screaming little ones, your children will not be little forever. Eventually, they will go to school. What happens then?

You will likely have to return to work. But when you do, you may find that it’s harder to get a job, and that you’re taken less seriously and earn less than before. So you’re not just sacrificing the years you spend out of the workforce, but potential additional years when you return.

Family Courts Are Not Fair to SAHMs

If you’re a stay-at-home mother you will almost certainly get some child support. But your husband will never fully compensate you for all you have given up and lost, and the court will not make him if you get divorced. Worse still, family courts are biased against mothers. Having been a stay at home mother will not improve your chances of getting custody, or of getting anything else.

So you could give up your career for your husband and children, only to continue to lose in family court. Please don’t do this to yourself.

I know it sucks to pay so much for daycare. I know it’s hard to leave your kids every day. But there are alternatives, and I think you should exercise those before becoming a stay at home mother. I’ll talk about them in my next newsletter, so subscribe to make sure you get the update.